Do I Have To Be Skinny? LDS Dating


kileyizzle
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Uh, no. The previous poster's point was if you think that weight is related to fitness then you are ignorant and I opined on the absurdity of that point.

My point is not childish, Shallow would put me off a man much quicker than his looks, who wants to be stuck with someone for eternity that needs to ask the question in Between Husband and Wife, about how he can find his wife attractive again now she has stretch marks following the birth of a baby. Who wants a man that stops wanting marital relations just because you have put on pounds or your hair has gone grey etc Like miranc says who wants someone that can't make it or can't be trusted to adore you whatever happens. You may have high standards when it comes to looks that's fine, personally I expect more from the men in my life, and I usually get it as a result.

Overweight does not equal unhealthy and skinny does not equal health, anyone that goes on BMI alone to determine who would be best for climbing up a mountain is ignorant and putting lives at risk,. You cannot tell by those factors alone. I'd choose my overweight husband who is actually nimble on his feet and can hop up rocks, over my anorexic sister in law if I was climbing up a mountain. I have an obese friend who in her 80s stilll goes skiing, plays tennis etc I'd pick her over the skinny woman next door who smokes like a chimney and takes drugs to go up the mountain. I can think of another lady who eats healthy, exercises every morning (about 1 hour in the gym and may swim afterwards) she loves walking and is in her 70s. Again I'd pick her over some of the more slender looking people I know. I'd need me way more information than their BMI for the decision. Without that I would go obese as they are more likely to survive if they get trapped:)

Also for the marriage race my overweight (but healthy as he is capable of cycling 8 miles a day), husband is far fitter than my hyper fit Father (he's of the marathon running geriatric variety)

I can honestly say I was attracted to my husband before I knew what he looked like, because I met him online. Before that sure I have given people a chance that aren't my automatic wow he is gorgeous. There is a huge difference for me between dating material and eye candy.. I didn't date anyone unless I had been friends with them first.

So yes Snow you may feel its childish and absurd but quite frankly your posts come across to me as too shallow if I was looking for dating material it would turn me off much faster than what you looked like, And I wouldn't just date someone because they were cute.

I have dated better looking men than my husband (well actually now he is fast losing his weight not so sure lol ), but he is the best man I have ever spent time with. I married a good man, true he had a nice backside and handsome legs but I didn't marry his backside.

Snow I have no objection to you doing things your way thats fine, but personally i expect more from LDS men and many of them are capable of it

Edited by Elgama
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My point is not childish, Shallow would put me off a man much quicker than his looks, who wants to be stuck with someone for eternity that needs to ask the question in Between Husband and Wife, about how he can find his wife attractive again now she has stretch marks following the birth of a baby. Who wants a man that stops wanting marital relations just because you have put on pounds or your hair has gone grey etc Like miranc says who wants someone that can't make it or can't be trusted to adore you whatever happens. You may have high standards when it comes to looks that's fine, personally I expect more from the men in my life, and I usually get it as a result.

Actually views based on looks/ when aging can be quite different. As stated before i had very strict parameters when it came to weight.( body fat) My wife got huge during her pregnancies and after losing the weight she has the stretchmarks and some extra skin. She wants to get a tummy tuck, but i'm the one saying she don't need to due to the risk.

Overweight does not equal unhealthy and skinny does not equal health, anyone that goes on BMI alone to determine who would be best for climbing up a mountain is ignorant and putting lives at risk,. You cannot tell by those factors alone. I'd choose my overweight husband who is actually nimble on his feet and can hop up rocks, over my anorexic sister in law if I was climbing up a mountain. I have an obese friend who in her 80s stilll goes skiing, plays tennis etc I'd pick her over the skinny woman next door who smokes like a chimney and takes drugs to go up the mountain. I can think of another lady who eats healthy, exercises every morning (about 1 hour in the gym and may swim afterwards) she loves walking and is in her 70s. Again I'd pick her over some of the more slender looking people I know. I'd need me way more information than their BMI for the decision. Without that I would go obese as they are more likely to survive if they get trapped:)

This is interesting because i have known chain smokers who lived to 80-90 while my mother who walked 4 miles a day, never drank anything harder then water , and lived the WoW to the t died at 50.

There are exceptions to every rule but saying overweight = unhealthy is the same as saying smoking is unhealthy. It is a general rule supported by medical science.

In fact being military affiliated i know plenty of smokers who can smoke (pun intended) your average American, in a 2 mile run.

Also for the marriage race my overweight (but healthy as he is capable of cycling 8 miles a day), husband is far fitter than my hyper fit Father (he's of the marathon running geriatric variety)

I can honestly say I was attracted to my husband before I knew what he looked like, because I met him online. Before that sure I have given people a chance that aren't my automatic wow he is gorgeous. There is a huge difference for me between dating material and eye candy.. I didn't date anyone unless I had been friends with them first.

So yes Snow you may feel its childish and absurd but quite frankly your posts come across to me as too shallow if I was looking for dating material it would turn me off much faster than what you looked like, And I wouldn't just date someone because they were cute.

I have dated better looking men than my husband (well actually now he is fast losing his weight not so sure lol ), but he is the best man I have ever spent time with. I married a good man, true he had a nice backside and handsome legs but I didn't marry his backside.

Snow I have no objection to you doing things your way thats fine, but personally i expect more from LDS men and many of them are capable of it

I don't think snow is purely advocating looks, i certainly wouldn't. But All people have standards, and some is based on looks. If that is all that matters then you could call it shallow, but to quote snow

considering various physical characteristics in one's potential mate does not not make one superficial - it makes one human.

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Im kind of surprised that anyone here is even attempting to make the argument that overweight or obese persons can still be healthy. Its not healthy. Now, you can get into one's definition of overweight or obese but it really doesnt matter. If you are overweight or obese, you are not as "healthy" as you could be if you brought your weight down to proper proportions. If you are underweight, you are not healthy either. If you are within your normal weight range, there shouldnt be an assumption that you are healthy just because you are considered "normal". Its can just be easier to hide if you are in that normal range. But not being in that range, whether you are over or under, its a dead give away that you are not living the most healthy lifestyle that you could. Its a no brainer.

I also think its pretty offensive to call someone shallow because they happened to be attracted to physically beautiful people. Im not attracted to overweight people. If I was single, I would not date someone who was obese. Why? Because Im not attracted to them. If I am going to be with someone for the rest of my life, I want to be physically attracted to them, and spiritually attracted to them. There is nothing wrong with having both. I married an insanely beautiful woman. It makes me wonder now if people see me coming into church with her and instantly thing. . . "boy, he sure is shallow". Is that really what some of you think? That if someone is with a beautiful companion then this person is shallow? Do you also think that because someone is physically beautiful then they have nothing inside that gives them additional value? If anyone ever suggested to my face that my wife only had her looks going for her and had nothing else to offer, I think Id come unglued.

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This is nothing to do with attraction its to do with loving people

My point is not childish, Shallow would put me off a man much quicker than his looks, who wants to be stuck with someone for eternity that needs to ask the question in Between Husband and Wife, about how he can find his wife attractive again now she has stretch marks following the birth of a baby. Who wants a man that stops wanting marital relations just because you have put on pounds or your hair has gone grey etc Like miranc says who wants someone that can't make it or can't be trusted to adore you whatever happens.

You can't* claim attraction isn't important on one hand, in fact you didn't even claim that attraction wasn't important you stated it was a non-issue, and then on the other as you are now doing claim it is important to you, that your husband be attracted to you. Which is it? Does attraction matter in a romantic relationship or doesn't it?

* Well you can but the inconsistency hurts your position.

P.S. You may be using attraction differently in your two instances, in which case an explanation is gonna be needed for this thick headed guy.

P.P.S. I also realize that attraction being important doesn't mean one must have a narrow scope of what one considers attractive.

Edited by Dravin
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Oh Kids,

Stop your arguing! I join the ranks of shallow people.

I dated a guy in college for as long as I could. He was sooo nice and such a good person, and sooo skinny. I just couldn't make myself be attracted to him. I really tried because he was such a good person, but I never wanted him to even hold my hand. He was really tall and weighed probably one pound. I just don't like super skinny guys. I would rather they were a bit chubby if I had to choose. Not that any of you people care.

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Good grief people. Seriously? Stop swiping at one another. It's just bad form. ;) Let's stick to the point of the OP.

The question asks, Do I have to be Skinny?

Answer:

Yes and No and sorta.

Ye-- if you want to attract those people who weigh (heh, pun intended) in on the I am not attracted to someone unless they are thin side of the debate.

No--if you prefer to find someone who focuses on who you are to find you attractive.

Sorta--if you are patient enough and establish enough good friendships, one of those friends after getting to know you may fall in love with who you are in spite of their need for physical beauty as a characteristic.

I do not advocate being overweight. It's really hard to manage life when you are bigger. But that depends on how much overweight a person is. I have been both under and over weight.

Life was easier for me when I was under weight but, the price I paid for being under weight was a skewed sense of body image so when I got older and had kids and lost my thyroid to surgery, I've learned just how important it is to love yourself for WHO you are and not the number on the scales or the size of your clothing.

I've had sports anorexia over the years and that's how I managed to even get close to an appropriate weight after losing my thyroid. Age plays a huge factor in our body size and health. According to all my lab tests, I'm a healthy adult. The scales argue otherwise according to the insurance companies. I think it is more accurate to say that being overweight increases health risks. For some it is unhealthy, for others just adding a risk.

The thing is, and I want to say this to the OP.

No, you don't have to be skinny to find your eternal companion. It should never be about finding a companion when you want to lose weight. That should be something you do for you and you alone.

If you want to lose weight, then I'd consult with your doctor and find medications that don't increase your body weight. Get on a good moderate exercise program that you can stick to...or better yet, do fun active things that you love on a daily basis and examine your food choices. No fad diets. Just healthy eating and activity.

Stress and anxiety and discouragement packs on weight for me even when I barely eat. But I know I don't want to stay at my current weight because while my labs are good, I'm having physical issues that aren't fun to have.

I don't care if I find another man to marry. I'm more interested in finishing my degree and moving on to graduate work and I want to do the things I want to do. I'm assuming if I'm meant to remarry, the Lord will present that opportunity for me and I'm not going to change my appearance to find him.

I'll change my appearance because I want to be able to do things I used to do without resulting pain.

Edited by Cassiopeia
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Ye-- if you want to attract those people who weigh (heh, pun intended) in on the I am not attracted to someone unless they are thin side of the debate.

No--if you prefer to find someone who focuses on who you are to find you attractive.

Sorta--if you are patient enough and establish enough good friendships, one of those friends after getting to know you may fall in love with who you are in spite of their need for physical beauty as a characteristic.

(I'm not singling you out Cassiopeia, I'm kinda using you as a springboard to blather on about my own thoughts)

Or if she finds someone who finds her physically attractive the way she is.

There seems to be an assumption running through the thread, or possibly just through the imaginary version of the thread that exists in my head. That she has to be skinny to find someone who is attracted to her physically (or that people who care about physical attraction are only attracted to thin people) or find somebody who is so impressed with her personality they'll overlook her physical appearance (or that someone interested in a girl who isn't thin isn't interested in her physically). Now that's a confidence building statement, "Your hope of finding someone is if you find someone who doesn't mind if you are unattractive physically." She deserves someone who thinks she is beautiful and desirable not someone who puts up with her being 'ugly' and 'undesirable' (I'm not saying she is such mind you) because she has a winning personality.

There are people out there (now whether she'll be interested in them for various reasons is a different story) who will find her attractive both physically and as a person. She can do things both to her body and to her personality to affect who will be attracted to her on both accounts. Though whether the changes to affect who may be attracted to her are desirable or not is a personal decision.

Edited by Dravin
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(I'm not singling you out Cassiopeia, I'm kinda using you as a springboard to blather on about my own thoughts)

Or if she finds someone who finds her physically attractive the way she is.

There seems to be an assumption running through the thread, or possibly just through the imaginary version of the thread that exists in my head. That she has to be skinny to find someone who is attracted to her physically (or that people who care about physical attraction are only attracted to thin people) or find somebody who is so impressed with her personality they'll overlook her physical appearance (or that someone interested in a girl who isn't thin isn't interested in her physically). Now that's a confidence building statement, "Your hope of finding someone is if you find someone who doesn't mind if you are unattractive physically." She deserves someone who thinks she is beautiful and desirable not someone who puts up with her being 'ugly' and 'undesirable' (I'm not saying she is such mind you) because she has a winning personality.

There are people out there (now whether she'll be interested in them for various reasons is a different story) who will find her attractive both physically and as a person. She can do things both to her body and to her personality to affect who will be attracted to her on both accounts. Though whether the changes to affect who may be attracted to her is desirable or not is a personal decision.

You're not singling me out? OH drat. :D

And I agree completely with you on this post. :) You dun gewd. :)

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My point is not childish, Shallow would put me off a man much quicker than his looks, who wants to be stuck with someone for eternity that needs to ask the question in Between Husband and Wife, about how he can find his wife attractive again now she has stretch marks following the birth of a baby. Who wants a man that stops wanting marital relations just because you have put on pounds or your hair has gone grey etc Like miranc says who wants someone that can't make it or can't be trusted to adore you whatever happens. You may have high standards when it comes to looks that's fine, personally I expect more from the men in my life, and I usually get it as a result.

I am not sure which of your three points you are referring to and claiming that it is not childish - that it is shallow people who are not attracted to obese people or that people who disagree with your opinion are ignorant or that health / fitness is unrelated to obesity. I think that all three points are laughable.

Overweight does not equal unhealthy and skinny does not equal health, anyone that goes on BMI alone to determine who would be best for climbing up a mountain is ignorant and putting lives at risk,. You cannot tell by those factors alone. I'd choose my overweight husband who is actually nimble on his feet and can hop up rocks, over my anorexic sister in law if I was climbing up a mountain. I have an obese friend who in her 80s stilll goes skiing, plays tennis etc I'd pick her over the skinny woman next door who smokes like a chimney and takes drugs to go up the mountain. I can think of another lady who eats healthy, exercises every morning (about 1 hour in the gym and may swim afterwards) she loves walking and is in her 70s. Again I'd pick her over some of the more slender looking people I know. I'd need me way more information than their BMI for the decision. Without that I would go obese as they are more likely to survive if they get trapped:)

Also for the marriage race my overweight (but healthy as he is capable of cycling 8 miles a day), husband is far fitter than my hyper fit Father (he's of the marathon running geriatric variety)

A measure of how weak your point becomes obvious when you have to make stuff up about your opponents argument. I never said anything about a person losing attraction to their mate because the mate ages and gains some weight with childbirth and I never said that being overweight is exactly the same thing as being unhealthy. You just made all the nonsense up.

Do you seriously think that I don't understand health and fitness? Seriously - is that what you are going to pretend?

The simple fact is that weight is a significant component of health and fitness and, ceteris paribus, healthy weight people are healthier than obese people. Does that mean that a big ole 280 lbs offensive guard cannot be more fit than a 120 lbs fashion model. Of course not and only a loon or someone less than forthright would pretend like someone else thinks so.

I can honestly say I was attracted to my husband before I knew what he looked like, because I met him online. Before that sure I have given people a chance that aren't my automatic wow he is gorgeous. There is a huge difference for me between dating material and eye candy.. I didn't date anyone unless I had been friends with them first.

...and? That doesn't make you somehow holier or deeper or smell better.

So yes Snow you may feel its childish and absurd but quite frankly your posts come across to me as too shallow if I was looking for dating material it would turn me off much faster than what you looked like, And I wouldn't just date someone because they were cute.

Really?

Okay - without being deceitful, making up something and attributing it to me - what did I post that is shallow? I think I'll be waiting a very long time for that answer.

Snow I have no objection to you doing things your way thats fine, but personally i expect more from LDS men and many of them are capable of it

I hope you have a big towel to wipe off the self righteousness - false self-righteousness - dripping off your monitor.

Stop making up garbage and pretending that's what I believe.

Edited by Snow
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My cousin Jason came back from his mission 2 years ago. He's probably a good 80lbs overweight, and he has a gorgeous girlfriend at BYU now. And his younger brother, William, just married a girl is probably closer to 100 lbs overweight, but she is just the sweetest, most loving, kind and social eprson you coudl ever meet!

I really don't think it has anything to do with weight. I think its more confidence and a bright, open personality. Of course, there are lots of guys who really can't see past looks, but if it were me, I wouldn't like having to constantly wonder if that's the only reason he married me.

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I am not sure which of your three points you are referring to and claiming that it is not childish - that it is shallow people who are not attracted to obese people or that people who disagree with your opinion are ignorant or that health / fitness is unrelated to obesity. I think that all three points are laughable.

A measure of how weak your point becomes obvious when you have to make stuff up about your opponents argument. I never said anything about a person losing attraction to their mate because the mate ages and gains some weight with childbirth and I never said that being overweight is exactly the same thing as being unhealthy. You just made all the nonsense up.

Do you seriously think that I don't understand health and fitness? Seriously - is that what you are going to pretend?

The simple fact is that weight is a significant component of health and fitness and, ceteris paribus, healthy weight people are healthier than obese people. Does that mean that a big ole 280 lbs offensive guard cannot be more fit than a 120 lbs fashion model. Of course not and only a loon or someone less than forthright would pretend like someone else thinks so.

...and? That doesn't make you somehow holier or deeper or smell better.

Really?

Okay - without being deceitful, making up something and attributing it to me - what did I post that is shallow? I think I'll be waiting a very long time for that answer.

I hope you have a big towel to wipe off the self righteousness - false self-righteousness - dripping off your monitor.

Stop making up garbage and pretending that's what I believe.

To what end do you attack the person you are responding to? Seriously, you make some good points, EXCEPT for calling them childish and accusing them of self-righteousness.

Perhaps it is of no consequence to you but when I read posts like this, I lose respect for the poster and in turn disregard what they have to say. Can you not make your point without all the malice and anger? Do you think by attacking them you win the point?

Self-righteousness manifests in many forms. I'd be sure to remove the beam from my eye first before accusing someone else of such a thing.

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To what end do you attack the person you are responding to? Seriously, you make some good points, EXCEPT for calling them childish and accusing them of self-righteousness.

Perhaps it is of no consequence to you but when I read posts like this, I lose respect for the poster and in turn disregard what they have to say. Can you not make your point without all the malice and anger? Do you think by attacking them you win the point?

Self-righteousness manifests in many forms. I'd be sure to remove the beam from my eye first before accusing someone else of such a thing.

If you don't like the posts, then mind your own business. I not sure why you think your respect is important to me and why on earth you think that I should refrain from criticizing what other's post but have the gall to criticize me personally is a mystery.

Edited by Snow
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If you don't like the posts, then mind your own business. I not sure why you think your respect is important to me.

It is my business when you post like a troll on a forum such as this. All you do is add contention to subjects that are difficult to handle.

Nasty much? Well, I'm not intimidated.

ETA: Snow has edited their post. My response is to their original post.

Edited by Cassiopeia
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It is my business when you post like a troll on a forum such as this. All you do is add contention to subjects that are difficult to handle.

Nasty much? Well, I'm not intimidated.

ETA: Snow has edited their post. My response is to their original post.

Do you know what the word hypocrisy means?

Go molest someone else.

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Do you know what the word hypocrisy means?

I wasn't speaking to you and now you've attacked me in multiple posts. Go pester someone else.

Of course I know what it means. I'm not attacking you. I'm pointing out that you flame people and instead of discussing the points, you go after the person.

And now that we've had this nice interruption, we return you to your regularly scheduled program.

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