What can you do if you are getting married, but your friends and family aren't church members?

[jonathan909817]

So they can't get into the temple? I always wondered what one could do so that your family isn't left out of such an amazing thing. Maybe some kind of party or whatnot before or after the actual marriage?

[Wingnut]

A wedding reception after. Most people -- even outside the church and the world of temple marriages -- have a reception after or somehow tied to their actual wedding.

[CookieC]

We had a little devotional with my non-LDS family an hour before our reception. The Bishop talked about some of the covenants made in the temple..kept it light and easy to understand. Our reception included lots of family and friends, all not LDS. Afterwards, no one talked about being left out of the wedding itself. They mostly talked about the great band we had for dancing at the reception! lol!

That being said, there were some hard feelings, mostly from my parents. They were still trying to talk me out of a temple ceremony the night before. It was rough! Once we were married, though, they never brought it up again.

Most temple have a public waiting area where family and friends can wait during the ceremony. That way, everyone can be together for congratulations and photos immediately after.

[Hemidakota]

So they can't get into the temple? I always wondered what one could do so that your family isn't left out of such an amazing thing. Maybe some kind of party or whatnot before or after the actual marriage?

Being a sacred and eternal ceremony, I went with what President Kimball's own life example of having a limited reception with family and close members only – without pompous worldly attraction.

[Maureen]

A lot of LDS couples are having Ring Ceremonies that can happen just before the reception. Everyone is invited to the Ring Ceremony.

M.

[pam]

Being a sacred and eternal ceremony, I went with what President Kimball's own life example of having a limited reception with family and close members only – without pompous worldly attraction.

So those that choose to have a large reception to celebrate with many are considered pompous?

[MichaelCraig]

What about the church in our stake? Do members get married there if a temple is too far away from their home town? And if so, can non members attend the wedding there? While we're on this subject may I ask one more? Does the old time custom of the brides parents footing the bill still apply if the brides family can't even come to the temple wedding?

[bytor2112]

Convert them.

[mnn727]

What about the church in our stake? Do members get married there if a temple is too far away from their home town? And if so, can non members attend the wedding there? While we're on this subject may I ask one more? Does the old time custom of the brides parents footing the bill still apply if the brides family can't even come to the temple wedding?

A Temple is the only place you can be sealed to your spouse for all eternity, you can be married in a Church building and anyone can attend, but the marriage disolves upon either persons death.

It costs nothing to get sealed (married) in the Temple and you would not have a traditional Cathoilic or Protestant in an LDS Church building, so there would not be any expense there either. A marriage is a Covenant between: a man, a woman, and God. All the pomp and ceremony etc is not a part of an LDS wedding.

My wife and I were sealed in the Temple - the only cost was the marriage license from the state. We had a simple reception for family and friends in our Church building afterward - cake and punch and a couple decorations, we spent about $100 total and I planned the whole thing in one afternoon. Compare this to my first marriage in a Catholic Church (Long before I was LDS) which took 6 months to plan and cost over $5,000 (this was 32 years ago - so adjust that amount for inflation)

Edited July 20, 2010 by mnn727

[Tarnished]

What about the church in our stake? Do members get married there if a temple is too far away from their home town? And if so, can non members attend the wedding there? While we're on this subject may I ask one more? Does the old time custom of the brides parents footing the bill still apply if the brides family can't even come to the temple wedding?

Members can get married in the church if they can not afford to travel to a temple, then when they have enough money to make the trip they can be sealed in the temple. This often happens in foreign countries where there is not a temple close by. Yes a non member would be able to attend a wedding which is performed in the church as it would not be a eternal marriage but rather a marriage for time or until death do you part and does not have the same covenants that are made in a temple marriage.

The custom of who pays for what I think really comes down to what the families and the bride and groom are comfortable with. With our marriage my in-laws paid for the reception they held and my parents paid for the reception they held. The wedding was free as it does not cost to be married in the temple. Any extras that were involved in the wedding costs were paid for by the parents that wanted them. We told our parents ahead of time that we wanted to do things on the cheap and that if they wanted extra things then they could foot the bill for what they wanted.

Thus since my mom wanted a professional cake and caterers and a fancy reception she and my dad paid for it. I would have been just as happy with a cake made by a friend, and little cheap snacks we put together on our own. My in-laws chose to have their reception at their house, they had a photographer friend take the pics and they had a cake made by a friend, all the food was cheap and made by the family before the event. We were fine with it.

Truthfully I have always been confused by this who pays for what tradition, I never knew marriage could be so complicated until we got engaged and then I began to think seriously of eloping.

[NeuroTypical]

Here's a Letter to the Editor, published in the SLTrib a few years back:

Before we were married 58 years ago, my husband and I decided not to be active members of the LDS Church. We believed, and still do, that living an honorable and productive life is not dependent on belonging to any organized denomination.

Our six children were not raised in any church but were welcome to ask their own questions and make up their own minds about any religious affiliation, or none. Three of them eventually joined the LDS Church; the other three went in different directions. They were all old enough then to make their own choices. They all seem equally happy and fulfilled in their decisions.

The three "Mormon" kids were all married in temple ceremonies and we were not in attendance. Do we regret that we were not able to be there? Well, yes and no. It would have been nice to be there, but they made their choices and we made ours. The main thing is that they are well and truly wed to wonderful people, happy and secure in their lives and relationships with each other, and us.

So stop whining about not being able to attend those ceremonies. If it matters that much, do what you have to do to be included.

And don't make your kids feel guilty about you sitting in the “heathen's anteroom.” Be glad for them that they have a solid foundation and someone to love and support them.

Life is hard enough without having to deal with your parents' hurt feelings.

Elaine Wessman

Kearns

---------------------

And here are some thoughts I wrote down a dozen years ago, after getting sealed in the temple, and my dad couldn't come.

Some things I did on my wedding day that were shared with anyone we chose to invite:

* Wedding breakfast, complete with a groom-to-be speech honoring my father and thanking him for all he had done for me.

* 4 hour reception with all the shaking hands, smiling, picture taking, garter tossing, cake eating, and car decorating you'd expect at such an event.

Some things I did on my wedding day that were shared only with certain people:

* Getting sealed in the temple (open only to invited temple recommend holders)

* Family pictures on the temple grounds (location open to public, event open only to select family members)

Some things I did on my wedding day that totally and completely excluded absolutely every person I knew on the entire face of the planet except for my new bride:

* Limo ride from temple to reception

* Everything that occurred after driving off in the car with all the "just married" crap hung on it.

So, out of the 24 hours in the day, I'd say 6 was spent sleeping, 2 driving from place to place, 2 wedding breakfast, 2 inside the temple, 2 pictures on temple grounds, 4 reception, and 6 nobody's dang business. (To be honest, 1 of those last hours involved a car wash and a frustrated failed attempt to get toothpaste off the side of my car, but don't tell anyone.)

To summarize, only 8.3% of the best day of my life was spent inside the temple, where my Dad couldn't be. I am very grateful to him for his gracious willingness to involve himself in the 33.33% of the day we wanted him for. I'm very glad he didn't spend years prior to my even chosing a mate griping about losing two hours in an attempt to have me not get married in the temple. Because if he had, I don't know what I would have done. It's possible that the woman that eventually did say yes to me would have instead lost interest due to my negative family complications, and then I would have missed out on all these most wonderful years of my life, not to mention two of the cutest kids ever.

It wasn't until after his death, (when I inherited his anti-mormon library that I knew nothing about), that I realized exactly how much he loved me and trusted me.

I humbly suggest that there's plenty of the "most joyous events of my life" that I was able to share with my father on that day. I owe him big for not screwing it up for me, because he probably could have by having the same problem with it that some parents have.

LM

[falds]

A lot of LDS couples are having Ring Ceremonies that can happen just before the reception. Everyone is invited to the Ring Ceremony.

M.

I think this is a great idea. It's only natural for parents to want to be a part of their child's wedding - and this is a good, simple compromise.

[MichaelCraig]

Thanks Jonathan for this thread. LM, you're are just too much bud. I realize questions from non-members sometimes get crazy real quick like. Mine are always for the purpose of learning unless I'm just cuttin up with someone. To be very honest I would be truly upset if my oldest son (member) even THOUGHT about having his wedding anywhere except the temple and it doesn't matter if that temple is on the other side of the Earth, I will be there. Maybe not inside but everywhere else because that's what families are suppose to do. I've supported him 100% so far even when other family members were not so happy about it and I will never allow anything to seperate us. Since I chose long ago to remain close in his life I now have many LDS friends that are like family to me so his wedding will be the best ever and not because of anything fancy or how much money is spent. The most important thing is my sons relationship with Heavenly Father and his new wife. That alone will be something to hoop and holler over for hours and it's enough for me just to be with them. :)

[JThimm88]

I'm a convert, the only one in my family. In my experience, I was sealed in the temple, and my closest family (mom, sisters, their significant others) "attended" in that they were on temple grounds and waiting in the waiting room while the sealing was performed. It's not a very long temple ritual, so my family wasn't waiting forever and a day. They took pictures with me on the temple grounds, and over all told me they enjoyed their time at the temple. We had a reception at our stake center in order to accommodate for other friends and family that couldn't come to the temple (obviously don't need everyone there anyway, just the closest relatives) -- the reception was an all-night affair that went very well and everyone seemed to have fun. We did do a traditional wedding ceremony with everyone there as well, so it seemed more "traditional" in that sense.

[Moksha]

So they can't get into the temple? I always wondered what one could do so that your family isn't left out of such an amazing thing.

Have another marrige ceremony immediately after the LDS Sealing. That way you can help preserve earthly family ties.

[pam]

Have another marrige ceremony immediately after the LDS Sealing. That way you can help preserve earthly family ties.

Which is why I believe Church leaders discourage as it takes away from the sacredness of the temple sealing.

Edited July 21, 2010 by pam

[Wingnut]

Don't look now, pam, but I think Moksha's being snarky again.

The comment about preserving earthly ties actually throws the situation into stark relief. Not to discount the importance of extended family, LDS or otherwise, or relationships here and now, but which is more important -- earthly ties or eternal ties?

[Moksha]

What I understand is that they are against marriages beforehand, which they feel could take away from the Temple experience. The fact is that many marriages have friends and relatives who are not Mormon.

Wingnut, I am being far from snarky when I speak about preserving earthly ties. The Temple took care of heavenly concerns, but the potential earthly concerns of how to start off on the best foot with family and friends in the here and now remains. Many may feel hurt by not being invited to the wedding, such as a Father or Mother who are not Mormon. To be inconsiderate of their feelings would not constitute the best start for the newlywed couple.

[bytor2112]

Have another marrige ceremony immediately after the LDS Sealing. That way you can help preserve earthly family ties.

What would be said and who would say it? Why make a mockery of Sacred things?Those earthly ties, even with beloved family members may end after this mortal probation if they do not accept the Gospel.

[NeuroTypical]

At the time I got sealed, I was close to many non-temple-recommend holding people. From family to friends to close co-workers. In many ways, I live up to my screen name in personal life. But I believe I dodged some serious harmful relationship consequenses by approaching this issue with as much gentleness and tenderness and genuine concern and unfeigned love as I could wedge into myself. If there's ever a time to carefully consider how much "let your light so shine" is appropriate, it's when people who love you are not able to participate in something special you're doing, because you just happen to have the light and they don't.

For me and all mine, we had a big wedding breakfast before the sealing, where I made a great big to-do about how I owed most of my moral foundation to my non-LDS dad. And we had a big reception afterword, full of all the garter-throwing and cake-in-face-mashing and car decorating nonsense you'd expect, and many non-TR holders (believers or not) provided many of the important memories of the day.

None of the non-temple stuff we did that day detracted from the sacredness of what we'd done in the temple. Everyone could see us all standing there in our temple whites. They all seemed pretty happy that we had just done something sacred and incredibly important, and they mostly respected it. The buddy who made a dumb joke about secret handshakes remained my buddy. The half-sister who showed up in jeans and made all sorts of goodnatured sarcastic comments about mormons and religion in general, was recieved with genuine warmth and accepted with a light heart. The black sheep recluse who hates social get togethers in general, was given a picture of the party he was to beat up if they showed their face, and he had a great time circling the fringes and playing secret agent and whatnot.

If people really do care for you, they're usually willing to help you achieve your dreams, as long as they perceive you hold them with respect.

LM

Edited July 21, 2010 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[applepansy]

Thank you for this thread. My daughter is newly engaged and is having questions about this exact problem. I appreciate the suggestions and comments. She's listening to me but its nice for her to hear the same thing from other people.

[Maureen]

...We did do a traditional wedding ceremony with everyone there as well, so it seemed more "traditional" in that sense.

JThimm88, what exactly did you do as "a traditional wedding ceremony"?

M.

[JThimm88]

JThimm88, what exactly did you do as "a traditional wedding ceremony"?

M.

Meh, well, I guess it wasn't technically like a typical non-LDS church wedding or something that you'd seen done in a chapel ... I guess the reason it was only more "traditional" is that we did have bridesmaids and groomsmen who were introduced and walked into the cultural hall before my husband and I were introduced already as the new "Brother and Sister Thimmesch" where we had a *ring ceremony*, so it wasn't really like an exchanging of vows or anything ... actually, come to think of it, my husband and I didn't say a word during the ring exchange. ...We had my husband's old bishop from his family ward speak about the importance of the temple sealing, rather, and how important marriage and family life are in our lives as members of the church.

...So... scratch "traditional." It was more or less just something we did so that everyone, members and non-members alike, could feel more apart of the "big day" as a ring exchange is obviously part of a typical wedding ceremony, but isn't done during the temple sealing.

Us walking in ... and ... ring exchange

Edited July 21, 2010 by JThimm88
typo

[mnn727]

The most important thing is my sons relationship with Heavenly Father and his new wife.

Heavenly Father has a new wife?