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SomeWife

Heading For Divorce, Husband Hates Me

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I just need some help, I feel completely sick inside.

My husband and I fight a lot. Since being married, we've always argued. Things would get better for awhile, then bad again. Recently every little thing has been setting things off.

I feel like my husband doesn't love me anymore. Every time we have the slightest argument, he throws out the "D" word. In fact, he loves that word. It crushes me. I always try to find hope that our marriage will succeed. But he always seems to find a way to crush any hope by saying, "No, we're going to be miserable our whole lives. We're not going to work out. Might as well end it now." I HATE this.

I understand he must be exhausted with all the fighting. I am too! It makes me physically sick inside. But I try and steer away from the word "divorce" and find ways to improve. I've mentioned getting help, but he refuses to do anything. I may have to get help without him.

Last night was a perfect example. We got in another fight over the most ridiculous things. I was sick and nauseated and admittedly a little crabby. We both snapped at each other. Because his obsession with getting a divorce and distance from me, I accused him of having an affair (the first time I ever did such a thing). I admit it was too far. I just couldn't find any other reason why he was pushing me away from him constantly.

This time, he told me to pack my bags and leave. I don't have any friends, and any family is too far. Besides, I would rather not involve family in this. It's none of their business. So, I packed up my stuff and headed out. He told me not to get a hotel (I work, but he pretty much brings in the income. My little job is to help get out of some debt we're in), because he didn't want any money spent. I told him all I had was a car to sleep in. He said he was fine with that. At one point I looked up a homeless shelter, and told him I would be staying there. Again, he didn't seem to care. "Anywhere but near me," was his excuse.

Yes, my night was terrible. I slept in my car for the most part, but it was not only freezing outside, but I was uncomfortable. I never bothered to contact him nor complain about anything. I dealt with it. Finally one point in the night, he said it was okay for me to come home, but to keep away from him. I eventually, out of being so cold and in pain (and still sick, might I add), I finally arrived home late in the night, when he was already asleep.

What disturbs me the most about this, is he didn't care where I went. He didn't care if I were to have slept in a homeless shelter, or on the streets. He knew I had nowhere else to go, but he didn't care. I could have been attacked; anything could have happened to me. He expressed no concern. I felt like a dog being thrown outside for being peeing on the carpet, and then letting me back inside when he felt a little guilt (if that's what it was).

I don't know, I just feel sick inside. I can't stand him when he continually talks about divorce. He has no optimism for anything anymore. He's probably just exhausted. But like I said, I am too. I want things to get better. I don't want a divorce. To me it feels like quitting. I'm not ready to quit. There are worse marriages out there. Abuse, affairs, drugs, addiction, etc. Our worst problem is we fight too much. I read an article about divorce in the Liahona, and it gives me hope.

But really, what's the point of holding on when he's not willing to do the same? Are we doomed?

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I just need some help, I feel completely sick inside.

My husband and I fight a lot. Since being married, we've always argued. Things would get better for awhile, then bad again. Recently every little thing has been setting things off.

I feel like my husband doesn't love me anymore. Every time we have the slightest argument, he throws out the "D" word. In fact, he loves that word. It crushes me. I always try to find hope that our marriage will succeed. But he always seems to find a way to crush any hope by saying, "No, we're going to be miserable our whole lives. We're not going to work out. Might as well end it now." I HATE this.

I understand he must be exhausted with all the fighting. I am too! It makes me physically sick inside. But I try and steer away from the word "divorce" and find ways to improve. I've mentioned getting help, but he refuses to do anything. I may have to get help without him.

Last night was a perfect example. We got in another fight over the most ridiculous things. I was sick and nauseated and admittedly a little crabby. We both snapped at each other. Because his obsession with getting a divorce and distance from me, I accused him of having an affair (the first time I ever did such a thing). I admit it was too far. I just couldn't find any other reason why he was pushing me away from him constantly.

This time, he told me to pack my bags and leave. I don't have any friends, and any family is too far. Besides, I would rather not involve family in this. It's none of their business. So, I packed up my stuff and headed out. He told me not to get a hotel (I work, but he pretty much brings in the income. My little job is to help get out of some debt we're in), because he didn't want any money spent. I told him all I had was a car to sleep in. He said he was fine with that. At one point I looked up a homeless shelter, and told him I would be staying there. Again, he didn't seem to care. "Anywhere but near me," was his excuse.

Yes, my night was terrible. I slept in my car for the most part, but it was not only freezing outside, but I was uncomfortable. I never bothered to contact him nor complain about anything. I dealt with it. Finally one point in the night, he said it was okay for me to come home, but to keep away from him. I eventually, out of being so cold and in pain (and still sick, might I add), I finally arrived home late in the night, when he was already asleep.

What disturbs me the most about this, is he didn't care where I went. He didn't care if I were to have slept in a homeless shelter, or on the streets. He knew I had nowhere else to go, but he didn't care. I could have been attacked; anything could have happened to me. He expressed no concern. I felt like a dog being thrown outside for being peeing on the carpet, and then letting me back inside when he felt a little guilt (if that's what it was).

I don't know, I just feel sick inside. I can't stand him when he continually talks about divorce. He has no optimism for anything anymore. He's probably just exhausted. But like I said, I am too. I want things to get better. I don't want a divorce. To me it feels like quitting. I'm not ready to quit. There are worse marriages out there. Abuse, affairs, drugs, addiction, etc. Our worst problem is we fight too much. I read an article about divorce in the Liahona, and it gives me hope.

But really, what's the point of holding on when he's not willing to do the same? Are we doomed?

Any man that would throw his wife out of the house instead of leaving himself isn't worth being married to.

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Sounds like you and your husband suck at communicating. If 'every little thing' sets off an argument, it's because one or both of you are unable or unwilling to talk about what the real problems are.

So, practically speaking, it takes two to make a marriage work. However, you can certainly work on your end of things. I would absolutely recommend counseling. Make the appointment (hopefully with LDS Social services - they're good at helping). Tell hubby you'd like him to come, but you're going alone if he doesn't.

You'll know you've found a good counselor if they won't let you sit there and complain about your husband, but they get you to look at yourself and your behaviors and how you can do your part to make a marriage work.

Let us know what happens.

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Sounds like you and your husband suck at communicating. If 'every little thing' sets off an argument, it's because one or both of you are unable or unwilling to talk about what the real problems are.

So, practically speaking, it takes two to make a marriage work. However, you can certainly work on your end of things. I would absolutely recommend counseling. Make the appointment (hopefully with LDS Social services - they're good at helping). Tell hubby you'd like him to come, but you're going alone if he doesn't.

You'll know you've found a good counselor if they won't let you sit there and complain about your husband, but they get you to look at yourself and your behaviors and how you can do your part to make a marriage work.

Let us know what happens.

About how much is the cost with counseling? I'm am willing to do anything at this point.

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So, I packed up my stuff and headed out. He told me not to get a hotel (I work, but he pretty much brings in the income. My little job is to help get out of some debt we're in), because he didn't want any money spent.

This just plain ticks me off.

I don't know what state you're in--I'm a lawyer in Utah, and I do some divorce work--and if you're in Utah, *all* of the money is marital property. He has no right to cut you off from it, and until your divorce is finalized he still has the responsibility to support you.

Whether you stick this out or not, is up to you. But if you wind up leaving, the first thing you should do is go to a lawyer and get yourself a temporary support order.

Oh, and this behavior generally (isolate wife from family and friends, repeatedly threaten divorce, cut the purse strings) is all pretty symptomatic of an abusive husband. There may be other issues here as well--maybe he's bipolar or manic depressive or something--but abuse is still abuse.

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This just plain ticks me off.

I don't know what state you're in--I'm a lawyer in Utah, and I do some divorce work--and if you're in Utah, *all* of the money is marital property. He has no right to cut you off from it, and until your divorce is finalized he still has the responsibility to support you.

Whether you stick this out or not, is up to you. But if you wind up leaving, the first thing you should do is go to a lawyer and get yourself a temporary support order.

Oh, and this behavior generally (isolate wife from family and friends, repeatedly threaten divorce, cut the purse strings) is all pretty symptomatic of an abusive husband. There may be other issues here as well--maybe he's bipolar or manic depressive or something--but abuse is still abuse.

Thanks for keeping your anger in control, JAG. I had to self edit out almost everything I wanted to say to avoid having a second post deleted today. There were just too many things I was saying about the _____________________________________ husband.

(Note: you're not off the hook SomeWife. But I'm not angry at you)

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I agree with much of what is being said. The fact that HE kicked you out instead of leaving, and then told you not to go to a hotel and didn't care what happened to you is terrible. It is abuse. You may not realize it but that is abusive behavior.

I also agree with Loudmouth that you two need help communicating. And a counselor would be a good idea, counseling in my area was about $70 a visit. Which may be more than you can afford.

Truthfully it may be better that the marriage does end, if your husband is more worried about a few bucks than he is about your wellfare then he isn't worth sticking with. You deserve to have someone who cares for you more than that. If things can change to where he cares more and communication is working better then great, but if not (and it doesn't sound like he is much open to working through matters) then the marriage may not work out and it is better that you are not in an abusive relationship.

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Wow. It seems to me that this marriage have MORE issues than simply "fighting constantly". The coldness of the husband's behavior is shocking and the willingness of the wife to stick with her husband after he throw her out in a cold night, sleeping in a car is even more crazy.

Sorry but in this particular situation there seems to be some abuse related issues that may or may not be helped through counseling. However, it seems to me that the husband in question clearly made his mind and does not care about anything at this point. Why to even force him to do so?

If I was in this same situation, I would be filing for divorce.

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When I read your post I thought of what I'm going through with my son and his wife. Things were as bad as you are describing or possibily worse. She moved out and was planning her next move.

As far as she was concerned the marriage was over. I called around and found a good counselor and made them an appointment for marriage counseling. I told them and the counselor that I would pay for it for as long as it takes.

They go once a week. At first his wife wouldn't even consider going to the counseling sessions. My son was committed to go with or without her. After a couple of sessions alone my son's wife decided to go also.

The counseling started a couple of months ago and now they are doing really well. There were two or three different weeks that things were so bad that they stayed 3hrs with the counselor (they were the last appointment of the day). They are really working with the counselor and things are good. I may have to pay for counseling for the rest of my life but if that's what it takes for a happy relationship and family then I'm grateful to be able to do it.

The reason I'm telling you this is to tell you that there is hope if there is even a tiny bit of desire or love there. I believe that love is a choice and Heavenly Father can restore what Satan has tried to destroy.

I would encourage you to seek counseling. From what I understand there is counseling available through your Bishop. A good counselor can help you in this situation. Even if you decide to end this marriage a counselor can help you through it.

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Constant fighting will kill a marriage and any love there. I know this sounds biased but it takes two to fight. Stop fighting. Let him rant and rave, try to respond with love. I know its hard. I've been there trying to stop contention in my home at different times of our lives.

Then, PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY... and talk to you Bishop.

Edited by applepansy
addition and typo

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Somewife, are you both members of the church?

Yes, he and I were both born and raised in the church.

Thank you, everyone. I just feel so sick and depressed over this. I told my husband I was setting up an appointment for counseling, and I was going to go for myself regardless of his attendance or not. He said he doesn't like the idea of counseling (he thinks it's all a load of crap and won't solve anything), but even so, he said he would make an effort and try it out.

All the comments about abuse are making my stomach turn. No matter what denial I throw at myself, I can't help but find the truth in it. It just plain hurts. I normally push those thoughts aside and find the good in him. He's never hit me, never cheated on me, has never looked at porn or had any other addiction, he calls his mom almost daily to tell her how much he loves her, he's very respectful to his family members, works very hard everyday...etc. Yet I don't feel like the woman he took to the temple to get sealed to. I feel more like a servant. I feel more like an animal or a child to him. I don't feel valued, appreciated, or loved. A part of me wants to blame myself and say I pushed him into this with whatever nagging or other habits I have.

Eh, I'm driving myself crazy. There's an LDS counselor just around the corner from us. I'll call her.

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My heart aches for you. I am so sorry, but please, please, like yourself. Never buy into the idea that you deserve this treatment. Maybe your husband is sick. Maybe he is a jerk. I don't know. But you do not deserve this treatment, and you are not doing him or yourself a favor by accepting it. Something has to change. And maybe divorce isn't the worst thing. You need to have faith in your abilities. There will be people along the way to help you. Reach out. Don't isolate yourself with no friends. You deserve better.

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Normally I would be right in line with everyone else in what I posted in response. No matter the circumstances, if it went down as described, the behavior was less than distasteful. Not appropriate in the least - even in very difficult circumstances.

However, it feels apt to point out what someone once said: "you cannot slice cheese so fine that it doesn't have two sides".

"what's the point of holding on when he's not willing to do the same?" The point is to have the peace of knowing you have done absolutely everything in your power to make it work. You will be hard pressed to find peace without it, and in retrospect will be priceless to you should this end in divorce.

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Okay, here is my ever-unpopular opinion but I want you to know that I am saying this because I care about you and because I have been EXACTLY where you have.

It is very VERY easy to find counselors that will listen to your story and tell you that your husband is abusive and to leave him.

A good counselor will try and see what you are doing wrong, too. It does take two to fight. Your husband sounds just like mine. If you push him too far, he gets cold and mean. A good counselor will not jump to the conclusion that you are a weak, poor little thing being abused by a mean man. Sometimes this is the case, but often women are also behaving terribly (WITHOUT REALIZING IT). You mentioned that you nag him. Depending on his personality, this can be extremely damaging to a marriage. I don't know you, but I am just saying that some couples have no idea how to communicate or deal with stress together, so it turns into screaming matches and I bet your fights have built up and built up and built up so now he is throwing out the D word because he has no idea what else to do. And I don't blame him for being leery of counseling. There are lots of bad marriage counselors that automatically blame the man for everything and call him abusive. I am not saying what he did was okay, but if you label him as abusive, you will go into the victim mentality where he is mean and poor you. When you are in that mode, if is difficult to have any hope in your marriage or take any good advice, and I strongly believe that although Satan wants to destroy your family, you need to find out what God wants first.

Go to your bishop. BTW, if you have no money for counseling, the bishop can pay LDS services for your fees if you go to him first and he feels that you need them. I think your first stop should be the bishop, and not a counselor.

Edited by crazypotato

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My abusive ex-husband used the D word all the time, but if he kicked me out, I would have had family to go back to because he didn't succeed in isolating me from them. I ended up going to counseling myself, as he refused to go. The counselor wasn't one to quickly blame the man for everything, instead we focused on what I might have done to contribute to our problems. When that didn't work, the counselor was supportive of my decision to divorce.

The last time he threatened divorce, I took him up on the offer and filed the papers myself. I also had to file a restraining order because he got so angry when I told him I filed for divorce, that his anger scared me. The only thing I could say is that I thank God I got out before there were any children, or even a pregnancy as I was able to cut him completely out of my life.

In the end, the divorce was the best thing to happen in my life, as I'm now with someone who treats me far better than my ex-husband ever did.

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No, absolutely no alcohol.

I have called and set up an appointment with the bishop. I will go myself if my husband wishes not to go. He says he feels embarrassed to be speaking to anybody. I too am embarrassed, but I know moving forward is the best thing right now, instead of just hoping for it to get better only to see it crash harder.

Last night was the first time I saw him behave in such a way (kicking me out). Normally he just shuts himself up in the room, turns on a video game, or takes a shower with the door locked. He told me I just don't know when to stop my mouth, so he snaps and says cold things just to get me to shut up and stay away from him...to back off. He said this was another instance. This time he told me just to flat out leave the house because he had enough of me.

I know I have personal issues to work through myself. I know I need help as well. I know it takes two to fight. He does something to irritate me, I throw down, and eventually he feels cornered and snaps at me. His words get more painful each fight. I'm not saying I'm solely responsible for our fights, nor he, but I do know we both need help. I know it will only get worse with time without help. We DO suck at communication.

I currently began a book called, "Strangling your husband is NOT an option", by an LDS author Merrilee Boyack. In the book, she mentions how women will often fall into a "weak and helpless" phase, causing the husband to be more dominant. Sometimes I feel I fit that category...and I need to fix it. I rely on him WAY too much to fix my problems.

I'm not excusing what he did last night, by the way. I'm just clearing things up now that I'm in a less of an emotional state (I posted this when he left for work this morning. We exchanged harsh words and I was a mess).

Anyway, I will be seeing the bishop in hopes for help before it spirals. Thanks.

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Please, also call the local domestic abuse hotline. Call your local police department if you can't find the number to call. You need to know if you physically leave the home, will you also lose all your possesions as well? You can call the police and have him physically removed if he is being abusive. Document, document, document. Make sure you dat what you write. I used my day planner and wrote a few key words when things happened. I used that day planner in court to get my restraining order. Get counceling for yourself and if he chooses (you can't force him) to go, go with him as well to couple's counceling. You are so valuable. Remember that.

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