Heading For Divorce, Husband Hates Me

[Roseslipper]

theres always 3 sides to a story his, yours and the truth. But what I do know is that no husband should treat his wife like yours did. He should of never thrown you out of the house, he didnt care where u went or slept that nite if u were safe or not, if u were cold or not, all of that is just plain wrong!!!! Theres no excuse for that. If you can both work it out great, we all know that would be the best. BUt alot of change has to take place probably in both of you. Good luck. Dont be a victim is my advice.

[mellowyellow]

Hi:) I logged into this just to tell you this... Go! Go now! and don't look back. I have been married to your husband for 12 years. (not yours of course:) He will not change. He can not it is who he is. I am assuming you don't have children yet. I do. I can't go now. I know when you say your husband hates you you just feel like he does, but he tells you he loves you right? And things will be nice right? And then something will happen and it just sets him off... and then... No physical abuse but the mental stuff seems to be harder. And it's all your fault right? Maybe I am way off and you can work through this. Mine got better for a while and then, this February I found out he was talking to someone else. Someone who makes him feel special and loved. He called it off but he still hates me and says he loves me. Now I can't trust him either. And I never know when it's coming. People should be able to have an argument when they are married and not ask for divorce. Mine asked on our honeymoon. I wasn't a member then and was pregnant and stayed. I stayed when my kids were 1 and 2 and 3... It just gets harder as it goes. I don't want my kids to have divorced parents. I am an idiot though:) I think you should go. You can do it. You will find someone who loves you and treats you right. He is not treating you right. You are a daughter of our Father in Heaven and he wants you to be loved and respected. Good luck to you. Pray and you will make the right decision. Only you know what is best for you.

[skippy740]

There's one BIG thing that's been overlooked (that I happened to see).

He has NOT taken responsibility for his temper. Instead, he blames you and kicks YOU out of the house.

Now, my marriage is far from perfect. In the first year of my marriage, when I flew off the handle, I left the house to cool off. I didn't kick out my wife. My temper, reactions and responses are MY responsibility, NOT hers.

Until he takes ownership of his responses and temper, you are not safe with him. Have a back-up plan, if needed. Know where you can stay at a moment's notice. Get this arranged now, even with a few supplies and a few dollars. Don't actually leave, but be ready to have a safe place. NEVER allow yourself to be in the same situation where you only have the car to stay. Plan this now.

[Guest]

My broadcast to wives everywhere. A (non-physically abusive) husband can only kick you out of the house if you leave! DON'T LEAVE. If he doesn't want you near him, he can leave. Go sleep on the couch or something. But, staying in a car freezing... what was the point in that? Playing damsel in distress hoping he would call you and care about you is just going to hurt more when he doesn't. And, if your husband is like my husband, when he is mad, he's not thinking straight, he won't call.

Anyway, your husband is being a mean jerk. I don't care what you did to him.

But, there was a reason you got married. Divorce should be an if-all-else-fails-very-last-resort option. In my marriage, it's not an option. Period.

[Guest]

Here's my next advice.

You can't change him. If you are willing to work with a jerk (and it sounds like you are which is cool), then your best route is to get to know him and what makes him tick. Figure out what makes him upset, what makes him happy, what makes him sad, what makes him yell, what makes him fight, everything.

Make it like a science experiment or something. Anyway, when he comes home, smile. He left dirty socks on the floor again... smile. He ignored you while he watches TV... smile. Ask him how his day went and if he grunts as an answer... smile. Do not engage in a negative confrontation. He says you look like a hag... smile and say, you look really good today, my love.

And while you're doing this, observe everything about him. Forget your needs for a while and just concentrate on learning about him.

That's first step. There are more steps, but this is the first one.

[FairChild]

If you don't have children now, please don't think of having a child to save the marriage. Children should be wanted and loved, not used as an excuse to stay together. If he would treat you in such a crummy way, think of how much harsher he could treat an innocent child that has no ability to protect him/herself. Please follow through and call the shelter. Create a bag that if it was an emergency, you could leave for 2 or 3 days. Put meds and copies of important papers in it. Add as much money as possible. If you can, Hide it at home, leave it at a friend's house or even your locker at work. Change your computer passwords, don't let him have them. And please, find out what your legal rights are. Talk to your bishop. Mine was very helpful when I was dealing with an abusive situation. Don't let him know you are doing this. If he doesn't/won't treat you as he should, then treat yourself as you know your Heavenly Father would want.

[crazypotato]

My broadcast to wives everywhere. A (non-physically abusive) husband can only kick you out of the house if you leave! DON'T LEAVE. If he doesn't want you near him, he can leave. Go sleep on the couch or something. But, staying in a car freezing... what was the point in that? Playing damsel in distress hoping he would call you and care about you is just going to hurt more when he doesn't. And, if your husband is like my husband, when he is mad, he's not thinking straight, he won't call.

Anyway, your husband is being a mean jerk. I don't care what you did to him.

But, there was a reason you got married. Divorce should be an if-all-else-fails-very-last-resort option. In my marriage, it's not an option. Period.

I agree. Before we all jump on this man for being abusive, maybe we can look at him as someone young, immature, with no skills for handling arguments, maybe poor communication skills, who behaves like a jerk because he doesn't know what else to do.

It is true that if someone is yelling at you to leave the house, or yelling at you about anything, you have a choice whether to yell back or leave. "Emotionally abusive" has been any of us at any time we lost our control over our temper and yelled, said something rude to another person, etc. It is a term that is thrown around too much. It would be better for a discerning bishop and for the wife through prayer to first work on not arguing anymore and learning how to communicate. Women can be emotionally abusive to their husbands by nagging, the silent treatment, screaming and yelling, saying rude things to them, and telling them to get out of the house, too.

[crazypotato]

There's one BIG thing that's been overlooked (that I happened to see).

He has NOT taken responsibility for his temper. Instead, he blames you and kicks YOU out of the house.

Now, my marriage is far from perfect. In the first year of my marriage, when I flew off the handle, I left the house to cool off. I didn't kick out my wife. My temper, reactions and responses are MY responsibility, NOT hers.

Until he takes ownership of his responses and temper, you are not safe with him. Have a back-up plan, if needed. Know where you can stay at a moment's notice. Get this arranged now, even with a few supplies and a few dollars. Don't actually leave, but be ready to have a safe place. NEVER allow yourself to be in the same situation where you only have the car to stay. Plan this now.

That is a good point. He needs to take responsibility for his anger. They both need to be responsible for the words coming out of their mouths and both of them are responsible for arguing. Sometimes men like this get worse and become physically violent. I think a lot of people are concerned that he may become this way. But for right now, he is just being a jerk. Personally, in the heat of an ugly argument between two people, I think each person is not blaming themselves but the other person, and each person justifies to themselves their anger and bad behavior. This is why communication skills should be worked on first.

[ryanh]

I'm bothered by the continued stone throwing. I'm not sure how that is helping the situation. Fortunately, there are a few in this thread that understand there is more than one side to any situation.

And thank you SomeWife for revealing parts of the apparently unrecognized side. Revealing that allows for others to best help you in your particular circumstances, rather than simply tossing about advice based solely on our own life experiences.

You cannot force change upon your husband. What you can do is focus on yourself. To that end, and in response to part of what you indicated you know you need to work on, here is a quote:

In that same spirit we speak to the sisters as well, for the sin of verbal abuse knows no gender. Wives, what of the unbridled tongue in your mouth, of the power for good or ill in your words? How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman’s words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant than anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined. Sisters, there is no place in that magnificent spirit of yours for acerbic or abrasive expression of any kind, including gossip or backbiting or catty remarks. Let it never be said of our home or our ward or our neighborhood that “the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity … [burning] among our members.” The Tongue of Angels - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Here's a question for you:

Would you want to be married to yourself?

If not, then focus on making yourself into that someone you would want to be married to.

[MichaelCraig]

MAN!!! That Elder Holland shoots straight from the hip doesn't he. I like that man. :)

[yorkiebeebs]

Counseling, counseling, counseling!

There are alot of questions that come to my mind when I read your posts. You and your husband remind me so much of my son and his wife.

These were the biggest things that brought them to this point.

They are 23 & 25 yr old and both the youngest in their families.

Both very immature.

Heavily indebt (this is a BIG one)

A good counselor can find out what is bringing this behavior and help you both to learn communication skills and understand what is really going on.

Everyone knows the buttons to push with their spouse. You need to learn to restrain from pushing them and he needs to learn to walk away and not respond when it happens.

If you have financial stress it can really cause a negative atmosphere and bring on bad behavior. A good counselor can help you find ways to reduce your debt and relieve stress.

If you treat him like you treated him when you were dating and early in your relationship eventually he will respond. He sounds very angry and there are probably reasons for that.

It's hard to be mad and hurtful when someone is being loving to you. Like I've said before, I believe that love is a choice. You can choose to respond in a loving way and say kind things. I think most people respond to that.

Your husband should consider anger counseling to help him learn proper responses when he gets angry.

It sounds like you both have things to work on.

[crazypotato]

MAN!!! That Elder Holland shoots straight from the hip doesn't he. I like that man. :)

Sometimes people need to hear it straight. I wish years ago Elder Holland had come over and told me to knock off the way I spoke to my husband. I was totally clueless, totally did not understand my husband, he didn't understand me, we both were crappy to each other, but almost all of my advice that I got was that my husband was emotionally abusive, with the assumptions that I was cowering under his wrath with no self-esteem (not the case).

[Suzie]

There is nothing that this wife did that caused this man to do what he did. It was his CHOICE and if he is a man he should take responsibility for what he did. Nobody pushes you to the point where you will leave your WIFE sleeping in freezing temperatures in your car and you do not care at all. That's ABUSE. Whether we want to make it sound better by choosing other words, doesn't change the fact.

Maybe some people who are in abusive relations themselves may think or rationalize this whole scenario in another different perspective by trying to share the blame but I believe that's just a victim's point of view. "He is not that bad, I am bad too because I made HIM do it...". Nobody has the right to treat another person in this way, no matter what.

IMO, of course.

[crazypotato]

There is nothing that this wife did that caused this man to do what he did. It was his CHOICE and if he is a man he should take responsibility for what he did. Nobody pushes you to the point where you will leave your WIFE sleeping in freezing temperatures in your car and you do not care at all. That's ABUSE. Whether we want to make it sound better by choosing other words, doesn't change the fact.

Maybe some people who are in abusive relations themselves may think or rationalize this whole scenario in another different perspective by trying to share the blame but I believe that's just a victim's point of view. "He is not that bad, I am bad too because I made HIM do it...". Nobody has the right to treat another person in this way, no matter what.

IMO, of course.

Five years ago I would have agreed with you. But we are not saying that what he did was no big deal or okay. We are saying there are two sides, and how do you know that the wife hasn't been emotionally abusing her husband? Most people leap to conclusions of categorizing men as abusers without thinking too much about the women and what they are doing. Sure, if dinner isn't ready on time and he throws her out of the house. . .

It's really not for us to decide, though. It's for the OP to prayerfully discern and her bishop and husband as well. How in the heck do we know?

[Suzie]

Five years ago I would have agreed with you. But we are not saying that what he did was no big deal or okay. We are saying there are two sides, and how do you know that the wife hasn't been emotionally abusing her husband? Most people leap to conclusions of categorizing men as abusers without thinking too much about the women and what they are doing. Sure, if dinner isn't ready on time and he throws her out of the house. . .

It's really not for us to decide, though. It's for the OP to prayerfully discern and her bishop and husband as well. How in the heck do we know?

Crazypotato, I am commenting on what it is written. I don't have a crystal ball. :) Of course there are two sides of the story. I am commenting in the exact scenario the OP shared. :)

[crazypotato]

Crazypotato, I am commenting on what it is written. I don't have a crystal ball. :) Of course there are two sides of the story. I am commenting in the exact scenario the OP shared. :)

Yes, I understand. It strikes a personal chord with me because I could share stories about my marriage where I could easily make my husband look like a terrible jerk. I could leave out what I did wrong, and I could get professionals, friends, and families to side with me, look down on my husband, and urge me to go to a woman's shelter. But if I go to the bishop, or to the Lord, and share the same story, I may get a completely different answer (the opposite).

[Guest mirancs8]

Five years ago I would have agreed with you. But we are not saying that what he did was no big deal or okay. We are saying there are two sides, and how do you know that the wife hasn't been emotionally abusing her husband? Most people leap to conclusions of categorizing men as abusers without thinking too much about the women and what they are doing. Sure, if dinner isn't ready on time and he throws her out of the house. . .

It's really not for us to decide, though. It's for the OP to prayerfully discern and her bishop and husband as well. How in the heck do we know?

It definitely takes two people. One may be more than the other in their actions, but I would imagine most of the time it takes two.

I think what happens is when you are going through something so horrible you become way more focused on the spouse rather than yourself. At times it takes stepping back to finally take a good look at yourself and what might have been your role in the relationship getting so out of control.

In no way should his actions be excused. But lets face it. When you are married to someone even for a short time you know enough about each other to know what buttons to push. Each of you know what can get a reaction out of the other, so by doing this many times a fight erupts.

I find it helpful to turn my focus away from him and put it more on myself. This way I can see if there is something I am doing that may be fueling the tension in the marriage. You both have to find a way to calmly communicate without immediately flying off the handle. Sometimes daily stresses can make us a bit short and tempered, and we don't mean to put it out on those who we love... but it does happen.

Life is hard. Marriage is even harder. Love hurts so very much at times. With the help of your Bishop and therapist you and your husband can work on your issues. Keep positive and pray with a sincere heart to HF.

[FairChild]

SomeWife, would you please let us know how you are doing?

[SomeWife]

First of all, thank you everyone for your love, support, and advice. I apologize for the delay in updating.

Although my husband was not interested in seeing the bishop himself, he suddenly gave in (without me asking or bugging). We learned so many things about ourselves and each other, it was amazing! I realized I was being verbally and emotional abusive with the constant nagging, throwing down, and temper tantrums I was giving. He realized his words can often be hurting to me without even realizing it. His response to "kicking me out" was due to an exhaustion of constantly listening to me arguing with him. Although I had the choice to leave, he did apologize for asking such a thing. We were able to take full responsibility for our own actions without blaming one another.

Two nights ago, I had gone to bed early. My husband was out on the couch, and was overcome to pray. He knelt down in prayer, and said the spirit was so powerful, telling him to come to me. Although I was pretty much half-asleep at this point, he crawled into bed and held me, expressing his love for me. He also told me he wanted to speak to me the next day. He admitted he felt very connected to me at this point, due to the spirit.

After much prayer, we had another chat yesterday. We got to know each other better, and connected so well, talking about anything and everything. We promised each other we'd work harder on being better to one another. We have been praying for each other a lot lately, individually and as a couple, and I know it's been making a difference, as well as receiving spiritual and professional advice. I think seeking help was a way to block out Satan who had a tight grasp on our marriage. I had never had such an emotional and spiritual breakdown like I did the other day after seeking advice.

Since then, everything has been wonderful. We took a vacation out of town for a few days to the ocean and it was a very romantic and relaxing getaway. We connected on so many levels.

We will continue to seek professional and spiritual help, because I know there's still a lot of work to be done. But so far things have been great, and I'm able to see a different side of my man. Again, thank you.

[Guest mirancs8]

What wonderful and refreshing news to hear. I am so happy that you both were able to meet with the Bishop futhermore that you were both able to own up to your part. You will both recieve great blessings I'm sure for working together on your issues and getting to know each other on a deeper level.

Keep working on it! Be positive and patient as marriage is a constant work in progress. Most importantly keep communicating openly with each other about everything. Even if you don't want to hear it from him at times... listen with an open heart. You can at times learn a great deal about yourself if you just listen instead of arguing with each other.

You are doing great! Keep it up!

[Guest]

Somewife, this is awesome news!

Okay, I have a suggestion...

I know this can be pricey, but you can find other means to make it more affordable... Go find the closest Edible Arrangements store to you. Go and order one of their arrangements. My husband's favorite is the Chocolate Banana Boquette. Pick it up from the store, add a big balloon to it, and deliver it to your husband's work. Buying the balloon and delivery from the store is pricey - $5 for balloon and $12 for delivery, so I just do those myself. I would leave it at his work without having him see me. I would put on the card - "from your #1 fan!".

I do this to my husband on days that I just feel happy. His workmates sees the balloon and comes over to "steal" some of the fruit. So they would tell my husband he must be doing something really good to me...

Okay, the reason I suggest this: It gives you a chance to express your appreciation for your progress in a BIG and public way without telling anybody about your challenges. It makes your husband feel good in a public way while keeping your intimate details private. The reaction from his workmates will validate his nice feelings and would give you guys that push to keep working at it. A fruit arrangement is better than flowers for guys but the way the fruit is arranged (like flowers) gives that same identification - special. Somehow, a fruit basket is just not the same...

If Edible Arrangements is too pricey/not available in your area... make something like it. Get strawberries and dip them in chocolates and put them on a stick and stick them in a vase. Chill them in the fridge and then deliver it to his work with a balloon and a card.

Good luck!

[Guest mirancs8]

Also wanted to suggest a couple of books to you. I found them to be VERY helpful when you have things to work on with youself such as nagging your husband to much.

The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace

This book also has a great workbook with it. I found that it really makes you come head on to the issues you have personally which contribute to problems within your marriage. Not only that it shows you how to work on changing those things about yourself. I hate using these words in this forum but I have to lol... it makes you more... ummm how can I put it without making the Feminist go postal on me. Potato ya wana help a girl out?

The Surrendering Wife by Laura Doyle

OK, so you know how we try to control our men in that ow so very manipulative way? ;)For example we want them to be more romantic, be more thoughtful, dress better, be more attentive, be more assertive, stop leaving his clothes on the floor when the laundry basket in 5 feet away, and all that fun stuff. This book really helps you to surrender yourself. Don't sweat all the little stuff! When we are trying to turn him into our made up ideal we end up being disappointed with him. This book helps you to see that he is your ideal and always has been... stop trying to change him instead embrace him for who he is and his qualities. To find that your husband is perfect the way that he is... loving him for who he is... and being content with him. Because I always remind myself that I definitely am not perfect myself.

Also, I find that when you don't neglect their need for loving attention it helps a great deal. In a loving and caring voice ask him how his day was at work, give him a long hug when he comes home, when you are able greet him at the door when he comes home (instead of being flopped on the sofa), or leave him a short and sweat note in his briefcase or some place you know he'll find it at work. Ask him if there is anything you can do for him. What's is favorite desert? Make it for no important reason... just because you love him. Once a month make a romantic dinner. Don't tell him just put a nice tablecloth, candles, dim the lighting, soft music, and fix yourself up real pretty. When he comes home he will be pleasantly surprised. Sit next to eat other and enjoy that time together. Ow and yeah... make an excuse for you both to "go to bed early" after the dinner;)

Of course there are great books for him as well but being I am not a husband I have no idea lol. I'm sure he'll get some suggestions too.

[Guest mirancs8]

Okay, the reason I suggest this: It gives you a chance to express your appreciation for your progress in a BIG and public way without telling anybody about your challenges. It makes your husband feel good in a public way while keeping your intimate details private. The reaction from his workmates will validate his nice feelings and would give you guys that push to keep working at it. A fruit arrangement is better than flowers for guys but the way the fruit is arranged (like flowers) gives that same identification - special. Somehow, a fruit basket is just not the same...

Great suggestion but just be careful because there are lots of guys who greatly dislike public attention like that. You know your hubby best. You don't want to do something that would make him feel uncomfortable. Every man is different.

[Guest]

Great suggestion but just be careful because there are lots of guys who greatly dislike public attention like that. You know your hubby best. You don't want to do something that would make him feel uncomfortable. Every man is different.

Thanks for pointing this out mirancs8! Yeah, my husband loves this stuff... 12 years of marriage and it never gets old. :)

I can see some other guys wouldn't like this sort of thing.

[SomeWife]

Thank you for your advice! I'll look up the prices. My husband likes stuff like that, too :)

Also, I will definitely check out those books. You are great!