Heading For Divorce, Husband Hates Me

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think everyone is looking at this situation in isolation instead of the broad picture of the marriage. While I agree the behavior of throwing his wife out of the house with nowhere to go, and denying her a hotel is atrocious, I'd rather focus on trying to improve the situation as Somewife appears to want to make the marriage work.

Your situation sounds kind of like the situation with my wife in our early years. My wife was raised in a family where they snap at each other, give dirty looks at the drop of a hat, and use petty arguments to try to resolve situations. It was maddening in the beginning. She also reached a point where she thought I didn't love her anymore, and she was almost right.

We had similar blow-ups, but I would leave for the night and stay in a hotel or my parents place just to get away from her. So, somewife, my advice is to focus on those things you CAN do to improve your marriage, and I think seeking someone who can help you is a starting point.

But we've worked through the issues now and I find our relationship satisfying enought to say I'm happily married. So I think even the most difficult circumstances can be overcome (there were a lot of difficult circumstances in our marriage, no just lack of ability to communicate and problem-solve).

There is a concept called the Circle of Infuence and the Circle of Concern you might also consider.

The Circle of Influence is the things in your life you CAN control. The Circle of Concern contains the things you can't control. Focus on the Circle of INfluence factors in your life, and you find the Circle of Concern gets smaller, and the Circle of Influence gets bigger...so try focusing on those aspects of your life you can act upon to improve you marriage, and it may well get better over time.

[addendum - I deleted something here because I missed the fact somewife and her hubby have been doing some counselling and its helping].

Sounds like Somewife has been working within her Circle of Influence and is seeing the Circle of Concern diminishing!

Edited August 12, 2010 by mormonmusic

[beefche]

mormonmusic, did you not read the update from Somewife? She and her husband are both going to counseling. They both recognize that there are deeper issues in the marriage and both are working on their portion and responsibility.

[Guest mormonmusic]

mormonmusic, did you not read the update from Somewife? She and her husband are both going to counseling. They both recognize that there are deeper issues in the marriage and both are working on their portion and responsibility.

I must've missed it, I'm sorry. I edited my post above so it hopefully adds value :)

Edited August 12, 2010 by mormonmusic

[danaalex]

i didn't finish the entire thread. i read to about the end of page 3.

best of luck to you!!! and HUGE HUGS!!!!! . take care of yourself!!! xoxoxox

i posted before reading the end, lol. taught myself not to do that from now on! i hope things keep moving in the right direction for you two!!

Edited August 13, 2010 by danaalex

[Intrigued]

Good luck. Divorce may be necessary.. but you're doing everything you can together (I say 'you' as in 'both of you') and that's the important thing. You marred him and he married you.. both of you were once enthusiastic about it I'm sure. I'm just saying that maybe you need to rediscover those reasons that caused you two to enter into marriage.

[FairChild]

SomeWife, I am so happy to hear that you and your husband are together working to improve your relationship.

[Maya]

To be married is SUCH a hard jobb...... and it wont get any better with an other, you just by time til it gets worse again.... maybe in an other thing, but I promise ALL mariages have their huge problems, no matter how happy they seem to be. It is not the problems it is how we deal with them.

[SomeWife]

Thank you again, everyone!

I did the Edible Arrangements the next day after reading the advice, and he loved it. He called me up happily, and thanked me for the chocolate covered apples and strawberries. He even had happy co-workers whom he gladly shared with. He keeps his "I love you" balloon on his desk at work for everyone to see :)

It's definitely been a challenge going from nagging and confrontational wife, to the "okay, dear" wife, but I've noticed a transformation. It's hard to walk out of the room when I feel like strangling him, but I've been working very hard on it. Often I leave the room holding my breath, then immediately pray, listing all the things I'm grateful for. This always leaves me feeling much more relieved than pounding into him with words. I've even noticed a transformation in him.

He's been showing more love and gratitude toward me as well.

See, my husband was an extreme Mama's Boy growing up, and had good reasons for it. His mother had a hard life. Her first husband beat her, and ended up leaving her while she was 5 months pregnant with her 5th child. She then married my husband's father, and had 3 children with him, the 2nd one dying at birth. My husband is the baby...by far. The next living oldest is about 10 years older than him. Of course, there's the one next in line above him who died at birth (another reason why's he's so precious to his mother...he mended her heart when he arrived). He was a surprise pregnancy. She was in her late 30's/early 40's when he arrived.

Luckily his mother is smart enough to know where the line is drawn when it comes to interfering with our marriage. In fact, it's drawn TOO well, and often times we're the ones who call her to see how she's doing. His father was terminally ill for many years, and recently died when a new tumor was found in his throat.

Anyway, what I learned so far, was when we married, I immediately went into the role of mother instead of wife. He didn't get off that easily, of course. His Mama's Boy attitude didn't help. But I solved all his problems, did everything for him, picked up after him, and eventually became a nagging person. I scolded him more than showed love to him. This pushed him away dramatically.

Although I can see an annoyance when I have him solve his own problems now, I can also see a major difference. Not only am I allowing him room to grow, but I've noticed he's wants me and needs me more than before. It throws him for a loop when I say, "Okay dear, I understand" instead of arguing and snapping, but we're not fighting. I'm giving him more space, I'm not throwing down, and he's growing up (we both are). He's solving his own problems without me jumping in, and although it's very hard, it's worth it. I'm still not perfect and probably never will be, but I know in time it will become easier. We're still working on it.

Edited August 16, 2010 by SomeWife

[Guest]

AWESOME!!!!!!!!

I told my husband about you sending your husband an arrangement and he said I should buy stock from them. LOL. He said he is glad that your husband loved it too because it is still (after 12 years of marriage) his favorite thing I do for him.

I'm so happy you are both improving. Hopefully, he also addresses his issues and owns up to his mistakes. But, at least, we know your side of things are on the mend!

I don't think we will ever reach the point of perfection. I have to say after 12 years of marriage, I still have a lot of weaknesses and so does my husband. But what changed is our ability to deal with them together.

Here's BIG, GIANT, HUGS to you!

[Guest mirancs8]

It's definitely been a challenge going from nagging and confrontational wife, to the "okay, dear" wife, but I've noticed a transformation. It's hard to walk out of the room when I feel like strangling him, but I've been working very hard on it. Often I leave the room holding my breath, then immediately pray, listing all the things I'm grateful for. This always leaves me feeling much more relieved than pounding into him with words. I've even noticed a transformation in him. He's been showing more love and gratitude toward me as well...

Yep it's a real challenge not to nag and be confrontational when that's how you both have been throughout the marriage but it's worth it. You'll be a better wife for it and he'll be more affectionate and loving towards you. Now keep in mind too that with love comes disagreements so it's not always going to be "okay, dear" as the answer to everything. Be sure to express your opinions/ideas BUT don't do it like you are the wild hungry animal let out of a cage... him being the raw meat You can still say what you want to say but communicate it in a healthy way. Sometimes getting out of the house and going for a walk to you neighborhood park to talk can work wonders. Just getting out of the house can change the way you both approach each other in conversation.

Learning how to stop ourselves from immediately reacting and flying off the handle is tough. We're women... we're emotional. Instead like you are doing stop yourself from spewing those hateful words you will later regret and diligently pray to HF to help you in that moment with your response. The thing is we get's so worked up to get our responses/reactions in quickly that we don't put the thought we should into it. You can respond later... you don't have to immediately say something. By the time you do respond you both will be more cooled down and in a better place emotionally to communicate lovingly to each other.

I am so happy to hear things are going well. Keep up the good work and continue doing what you are doing!

[ryanh]

Congratulations SomeWife. It is heartening to hear of the breakthrough in understanding you and your husband are going through. Don't expect everything will be sunshine and roses from now on though. There will be times you two stumble and have to regroup. However, you have now experienced what it takes, and how to make it work. Keep applying the formula and adjusting as necessary, and you two can have a wonderful loving relationship.

I thought of your situation when I heard the following today:

We can change. We can overcome. We have the Savior to assist us, and He proved so many times that He can change people's lives. Look how He changed Peter. Look how He changed Mary Magdalene. He gave sight to those who could not see. He healed the lame, and He can heal us too. He can make our lives rich and purposeful if we will give our will to Him.

Evil multiplies by the response it seeks to provoke, and when I return evil for evil, I engender corruption myself. The chain of evil is broken for good when a pure and loving heart absorbs a hurt and forbears to hurt in return. Everything Money Cannot Buy - Mary Ellen Smoot

[dorave]

Any man that would throw his wife out of the house instead of leaving himself isn't worth being married to.

I disagree.

What if the man is bed ridden, paralyzed or has no legs?

[ctr123]

Dear somewife I just wanted to say I'm so happy you didn't just run to the first lawyer and start the divorce papers going. A marriage is not an easy thing but it is a worthwile thing if two people will work at it. Even if at first only one person is willing. It sounds like things are good right now and I truly hope they stay that way, but be prepared that one or both of you may have a relaspe. A marriage is not a 50/50 investment. It must be a 200/200 investment atleast. Alot of times people seem so ready to deem someone not worth our time, b/c of a mistake they may make. Heavenly Father would never deem one of his children not worth his time. Its not an easy task to forgive the mistakes that a spouse does and will make thoughout the course of a marriage, but in the end it can makes a marriage wonderful. When we forgive mistakes especially big ones we can grow closer to our spouse and to the Savior. The decision of divorce should only come from our Heavenly Father through humble pray and scripture reading b/c only Heavenly Father knows when a person will not change. I'm no expert or counselor I'm just a wife who has been married for 17 years and have been on the edge of divorce. My husband and I have hurt each other in ways I didn't think possible to forgive or be forgiven, but have somehow returned to each other and are working hard to communicate and to love. I also wanted to recommend a couple of books one is "The Peacegiver" How Christ offers to heal our hearts and homes By: James L. Ferrell and also "The Love Dare" by Stephen and Alex Kendrick It is a thrity day challenge to understanding love. It goes with the movie Fireproof. I recomend watching the movie with your husband than starting the dare. The movie is a low budget movie but if you can get thru the cheesy acting it has a great message and gives a great since of hope. It is christian based but not LDS. I found the Peacegiver book and the fireproof movie on ebay used very cheap, but the love dare book I got at walmart 9.99 each(i bought one for myself and one for my husband) b/c you write your thoughts in them I didn't want to buy a used one that may have been written in already. Continue to trust in your Heavenly Father and lean on him when things are tough he will guide you and your husband to fulfulling the plan he has for you.

[MormonMama]

Wow. It seems to me that this marriage have MORE issues than simply "fighting constantly". The coldness of the husband's behavior is shocking and the willingness of the wife to stick with her husband after he throw her out in a cold night, sleeping in a car is even more crazy.

Sorry but in this particular situation there seems to be some abuse related issues that may or may not be helped through counseling. However, it seems to me that the husband in question clearly made his mind and does not care about anything at this point. Why to even force him to do so?

I agree with this. He throws his wife out and then won't even let her find a decent place to sleep? And she LETS him dictate this, especially when she does have a job and has a right to pay for a hotel if she wants to? There are some very serious issues going on here with both parties.

Somewife, I am glad to hear that you have both seen the bishop and that there has been improvement. It sounds like you both have a LOT to work on. I hope that you can both overcome your individual issues and focus on yourselves as a couple and partners in this marriage. I also recommend signing up for Mort Fertel's free marriage guidance emails. I was struggling in my marriage and found his advice to be incredibly helpful and it really turned things around for us. I'd also advise you to continue going to the bishop for awhile. Good luck!

Edited August 31, 2010 by MormonMama

[Torn]

Somewife... you need to get into counseling. With or without your husband! Go to your bishop, he can help you with this. We found out through much fasting and prayer that our insurance covered counseling through an employee assistance program. Find out if you qualify for this... it's been a godsend to my dh and I who otherwise wouldn't have been able to afford counseling. I went alone at first, my dh wanted NO part of it, until after my first appointment and he agreed to go with me the next time. It's what saved our marriage. I told my dh if he wanted a divorce, he could have it, but not until we did this first. Three months later, our marriage is stronger than ever (we really lucked out with a GREAT LDS counselor, not even going through LDS social services).

And the part about him not letting you go to a hote? That's ridiculous! That's abuse. It's a hotel or HOME. And I'm sorry, but especially if you have a job, that money is not his and his alone... for your own safety and sanity, you cannot live in a car. he cannot do this to you!

please, get some help!

[its_Chet]

Somewife, I have to tell you, I see parallels with my own failed marriage.

She occasionally threw the D word at me. Like the time I caught her emailing love letters to an old boyfriend, and knew that she had seen him while out of state visiting her relatives, and demanded that she come home immediately. She got mad at me, like it was my fault, and said she wanted a divorce.

Plenty of other times she admitted she didn't love me, though I refused to believe her. I tried to convince her that she did love, but she just didn't feel it at the time.

She had a habit of going to visit her relatives out of state every once in a while. It got more frequent, the visits got longer, and eventually she didn't come back.

We're about to get a divorce, and I'm finally at the point where it can't come soon enough.

Nobody deserves to be treated the way you and I have. The funny thing is, we're the reason why we get treated like that, in a way. We can always leave. But we never do. We keep trying. We don't give up. We get emotionally abused and convince ourselves that it's just a fluke. And then one day, months after being abandoned, we finally achieve a moment of clarity in which we realize that was what our marriages were all about, and those happy times we remembered were only happy for us, because our spouse was all absorbed in himself/herself, and unhappy because they weren't getting everything they wanted, unable to be happy with what they had, what we tried to do for them, to be for them.

You cannot please someone like that. They are impossible to satisfy. They are cold. They are distant. They don't claim you as a friend. They yell at you constantly. They treat you like garbage, and if they don't literally run you down and belittle you, they make you feel that way through the rejection and scorn that constitutes the bulk of their interations with you.

My wife has been leaving me for years, but I never saw it coming.

I will not make this mistake again.

I do have one question though, for anyone who feels like answering, and I don't want this to sound like I'm taking the side of Somewife's husband in their dispute. Why can't a husband kick his wife out of the house? I've seen wives do that before. Is there some sort of chromosome requirement? I know if my wife ordered me to leave the house, I'd tell her she forgot to bring her army and then go find someplace to sleep. Of course, she'd come after me and follow me from room to room yelling and screaming at me and hitting me (and yes, this has happened before), until I just decided of my own free will to go find some other place to sleep. But you can bet your last dollar I'd either go to a friend's house and tell them all about it, or I'd go to a hotel and I couldn't care less what she thought about the cost.

Anyway, I've gotten off the subject of my question. If someone stays and someone gets kicked out, are we really suggesting that the man has to be the one to get kicked out, that if he kicks his wife out then he's not a real man? But I suppose if the woman kicks the man out, that's just swell? Some of the comments I've read supporting this assertion strike me as kind of sexist.

Maybe I've missed something here, and just don't understand.

[skippy740]

It sure wouldn't look good to a judge for the husband to kick out the wife. Not saying if you should or shouldn't, but to outsiders hearing the story... it'll be too easy to side with the wife.

[Tarnished]

Truthfully it could go either way, but what I find most upsetting about Somewife's story is that he forbade her to go to a hotel or anywhere else. He basically wanted her to have to sleep on the street. That is messed up, no matter what your gender is.

[its_Chet]

Absolutely in agreement there, Tarnished. If he's going to kick her out of the house, even for one night, he's got no right to demand she sleep in her car. That's cruel.

If it was me, I'd go straight to a hotel out of spite. Then I'd order anything I wanted to eat from room service and have pay per view running all night.

In this particular case, based on the side of the story we've all heard, we can all agree he's in the wrong. I just disagree with the notion that a person's gender makes them guilty or a victim by default, or that if two spouses have a fight, it is somehow to be expected that it's okay for the wife to kick the husband out of the house, but not the other way around. Unless there are circumstances such as an affair, fear for personal safety, etc., if it's just two people who aren't getting along, I disagree that the sole determining factor on who is the kicker and who is the kickee is gender.

[joyalgirl5298]

Kick him to the curb.

[RadDad]

i read with interest your problem. the first thing i did was check to see what country you live in. your profile says usa. yet, you said you read an article in the liahona, which leads me to believe that you are from a foreign, possible non-english speaking country. it would lead me to wonder if some of the communication problems are cross culture or cross language based. still, if he really let you go sleep in the car and he got so mad when you mentioned an affair, it seems that i have to agree that he is abusive. he is a problem wracked man and needs help.i agree that you both, or just you need counciling. even if he will not go, it will help you. he may not be worth keeping, but you need to do what you can to make yourself feel good about you, so you can do and feel what the Lord wants you to do.

[LDSJewess]

Some wife,

Ok I am old enough to be your granny and I have been there and done that so here is some advice to you both. Copu it, share it with you hubby and give this some real though. Then if you truly think changing both yourself and the situation with your husband does not work, then re-read and closely follow the advice of Just-A Guy.

First of all regarding your husband. You said things could be worse. You are right, you could wind up in a hospital or dead. Sorry but many husbands that are mentally abusive escalate down the road in their behavior. Not caring for your well being and not being concerned that you were sleeping in a car, and with holding funds from you IS ABUSE and it is also against the law.

BUT here is where YOU need to change. No more marterdom and self abuse on your part. The household money belongs to both of you and allowing yourself to go to a homeless shelter or sleeping in a car when there are resources at your disposal is SELF ABUSE. In addition voluntarily ramaining in a mentally or physically abusive environment is also SELF ABUSE. You may not be able to change the poor behavior of your husband BUT you CAN change how you respond and react to his behavior.

For that matter "Throwing a dog out for peeing on the carpet is animal abuse."

So you need to first understand and fully recognize what abuse is.

As for counseling, yes go to LDS Family services. And also look into legal counsel to see what your rights are. It is not necessary for your husband to go to counseling, but along the way it will need to be made clear to him by you, a counselor, or even the police, that he cannot legally throw you out of your home. And if you are asked to leave tell HIM to leave if he doesn't want to be near you. Since he is the primary income worker, then it would be easier for him to acquire a new place to live.

But if you must move out for your well being, (or for that matter if he leaves), then he will likely need to pay you support.

Apparently you husband does not realize that beyond the emotional and spiritual aspect, marrage is a legal and binding contract, and you cannot just say it is over because you don't like the person. Your husband has responsibilities that will be made very clear to him if a separation of any kind ensues.

What ever happens, In the event that this issuie cannot be resolved then even after a divorce if that happens, I cwould continue counseling so that when you are ready to pursue a happy and healthy marriage in the future, that you will first have the self esteem tools to not choose the same kind of person and make wiser choices for your self and any possible future children as well.

[Torrence]

Somewife,

Your post got my hackles up. It sounds like my ex-husband all over again. I am not getting into my story because it isn't important. What he is doing is MENTAL ABUSE!!!!!!!!!

Can you talk to the Bishop, Relief Society President, visiting teacher?????

In my area there is church counseling.

I'll read more of the thread.

[SuperChris]

Necromancy makes for old, zombie threads.

Regardless, after reading the thread, I am interested in if the promising improvement SomeWife reported has continued, and if things are much better than they were.

[WilliamK]

[quote name=Yes, my night was terrible. I slept in my car for the most part, but it was not only freezing outside, but I was uncomfortable. I never bothered to contact him nor complain about anything. I dealt with it. Finally one point in the night, he said it was okay for me to come home, but to keep away from him. I eventually, out of being so cold and in pain (and still sick, might I add), I finally arrived home late in the night, when he was already asleep.

I very rarely think divorce is a good solution. Please consider that when I say I think you should ditch the guy asap. the church is there to help you out if you need money to get started again. GO NOW!!!

I'll be praying for you :-)