The black hole of marriage

[johnnylingo]

Do you ever see your newly-married-old-YSA friends? Is it just me, or do they disappear into the black hole of marriage?

I guess married people only hang out with other married couples......

[UrbanFool]

It gets worse when they start having kids.

[beefche]

Yep. Once married, it seems that single friends are no longer wanted or needed.

I had 2 sets of married couples that would invite me to do stuff with them. The others would say they wanted to do something, but when I invited them they always had plans or something else came up.

Here's the thing. We need to be understanding. Newly married people are adjusting to a new life and need time as a couple. So, we cannot expect them to hang with us as they did before.

As a single, you are going to have some lonely times. And when your friends start having kids, it gets more difficult. I'm sorry. I would suggest finding ways to spend your time--make new friends, service, pursuing interests/hobbies, etc.

[Roseslipper]

I didnt know marriage was a black hole????? hummm

[UrbanFool]

I didnt know marriage was a black hole????? hummm

Not for you!

[Melissa569]

I think its because your priorities change when you get married. And sometimes your old single friends understand, but sometimes they don't... If they don't, sometimes old friends can turn into new enemies, lol.

Before we got married, my husband had this buddy named Duke. Duke was a 38-year-old man who has ALWAYS chosen to remain single (many women have wanted to marry him, but he wasn't interested in being "tied down"). Duke is a VERY happy bachelor. He wants all his friends to be happy bachelors too, and when any woman threatens his "bachelor group" by winning the heart of one of his buddies, he tries to run her off by comming between the two.

Well, after we got married, Duke still insisted on all his friends acting like bachelors. He figured out when my hubby was off work (we lived downstairs from him). Then Duke would come a-knocking on the door, tempting hubby to "come upstairs to his house for all the free beer, and gourmet food (he's a very good cook), and card games, and guy movies he can stand!" On a nightly basis, there would be 4 to 10 "guy buddies" hanging out in his rather nice apartment. Duke INSISTED there be absolutely no women allowed in there. He basically had his own "men's club" for a home, lol. And most guys couldn't help but take him up on the offer; being at "Duke's house" was always more fun than being at home, or doing anything with a girlfriend or wife. So night after night, hubby would just go straight up to Dukes when he got home from work, and not even say hello to me. Finally, he would come home around MIDNIGHT, after I had gone to bed. Then get up and go to work the next day.

That first year of marriage, I hardly every had the chance to SPEAK to my husband, thanks to Duke. All we ever did was fight. I was angry because I felt like Duke had robbed me of my first year of marriage. My husband was angry because I was bashing his "oh so wonderful buddy". If I ever managed to talk Shawn into staying home one night, Duke would knock on the door, hubby would RUN to answer, and then it was up to Duke's apartment again.... If I follwoed them outside and protested that hubby and I had a night planned together, Duke and the rest of the bachelor mob would all yell at me, calling me "posessive, insecure, a prison warden", tell me to "get a life", yadda, yadda, yadda.

I tried many times to explain to Duke that my husband was a married man now, and had duties and responsibities toward his home and his wife. That when you get married, your life and your schedule changes. When I told him that, he just shrugged, and said,

"I don't see why...."

Finally, a job switch forced us to move 30 miles away, and we escaped the clutches of "Duke", and we only fought 1/100 as much, lol. But yes, bachelor friends and married friends often don't mix, lol. I guess its jsut the way lifestyle and priorities change. You also suddenly have a lot less in common, lol.

[Hemidakota]

Do you ever see your newly-married-old-YSA friends? Is it just me, or do they disappear into the black hole of marriage?

I guess married people only hang out with other married couples......

If you had a "best friend", it should be your companion. Friendship can remain but never to override your marriage or considered greater than spending time with the one who want to share eternality with.

[UrbanFool]

Melissa, that was just painful to read. My husband would have come home from Duke's to an empty house until he worked on his priorities.

[FunkyTown]

Melissa, that was just painful to read. My husband would have come home from Duke's to an empty house until he worked on his priorities.

Guys need friends. Granted, not every night, but guys need to hang out with other guys.

Honestly, wouldn't you rather your man have interests other than you so you have something interesting to talk about at night? If he's home every night and has a boring job, you're going to be talking about a whole lot of nothing soon.

[UrbanFool]

Guys need friends. Granted, not every night, but guys need to hang out with other guys.

Honestly, wouldn't you rather your man have interests other than you so you have something interesting to talk about at night? If he's home every night and has a boring job, you're going to be talking about a whole lot of nothing soon.

Beer and girlie movies every night? That's not an interest a new husband needs. I'm all for men having interests. I've had to push my husband into school and church activities and everything to get him out from in front of the TV and doing something. He's never hung out with his friends, but if it ever became a nightly issue, I'd say something. Loudly.

[Tarnished]

I agree with Urban, Melissa's post was painful to read, I kept thinking, "If my husband did that every night soon he wouldn't have a wife to come home to."

My husband has a friend currently (the friend is single, has been out of a divorce for about a year) and that friend calls me to ask if my husband can come out and play. Because the one night my husband has free is one of the few nights I get to see him, we work different shifts so I only see him on Sunday and Monday. Often I agree to my husband going out and hanging out as long as I can come along. Too many nights alone for me to let my husband leave me home alone on the one night we can actually have dates.

I have no problem with my husband having friends, but when those friends get in the way of our marriage I draw the line.

When it comes to friends who are single, for the most part our marriage has been pretty open to them. Almost all of our friends throughout our marriage have been single people, which has worked well for us as we do not yet have children. When our little one does come I am sure it will change things. But then again we will be moving to a new area, so we won't have friends anyway.

I think it really depends on the couple and how they work with their friends. I think any couple can make it work with single friends, they just have to figure out schedules a little more than they had to before.

[Guest]

I never had this problem.

My husband and I were friends for 2 years before we got married. We hung out in the same circles. We got married and nothing changed except that now we are always holding each other's hands or sitting next to each other if we go out together.

He still goes to see his own friends and I still go to see my own friends, but I have to admit, both of us would rather be together (honeymoon stage, I guess), so that when he goes to basketball with his ball buddies, sometimes I would go with him and strap on my rollerblades and get some exercise near the court. Or when he goes fishing with fishing buddies sometimes I would go and just sit on a camp chair reading a book.

The big change happened when I gave birth to our first son (4 years later). We were walking zombies for the first few months and just do not want to go out with anybody - single or married - at all. We were just trying to survive at that point.

[Suzie]

That first year of marriage, I hardly every had the chance to SPEAK to my husband, thanks to Duke.

Well Melissa don't take it wrong but you married your husband not Duke. So it wasn't because of Duke, it was because of your husband's choice.

If I follwoed them outside and protested that hubby and I had a night planned together, Duke and the rest of the bachelor mob would all yell at me, calling me "posessive, insecure, a prison warden", tell me to "get a life", yadda, yadda, yadda.

Oh wow, and just curious did your husband defend you? Did he keep his friendship with Duke despite all this?

[Truegrits]

There are things I do NOT like doing with my husband...shopping, for sure! Much more enjoyable with my girlfriend/girlfriends. Going to the movies with the girls to watch the romantic comedies...:) which he does not enjoy.

I like Tom doing things with his friend (s), also.

I see nothing wrong with having time/interests separate from each other. Gives us something, apart from "us", to talk about. Marriage, to me, does not mean you have to sever all ties to people/things you each enjoyed previously.

[Truegrits]

If you had a "best friend", it should be your companion.

No, I do not agree with the should. If your wife is your best friend, great. To say that everyone's spouse should be their best friend is wrong. You cannot, (or should not), define any other marriage, except your own.

[Hemidakota]

Then why get married in the first place? In stating your obvious opinion, eternal marriage becomes meaningless point. Outside of the Godhead, where do you think your friends are going to be? Not with you….

[Roseslipper]

this topic has brought a song into my mind. Families can be together forever,throu Heavenly Fathers plan I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can, the Lord has shown me how I can.....

[Hemidakota]

Well stated Roseslipper...anything less than the highest order of the celestial kingdom, will not part of the eternal schema of families. They remain single outside of the family lines. It is sad though. As my own motto stated, I truly wish we can save many as we can to be a united family forever. However, this will not happen.

[Dravin]

No, I do not agree with the should. If your wife is your best friend, great. To say that everyone's spouse should be their best friend is wrong. You cannot, (or should not), define any other marriage, except your own.

Besides, if one wanted to define a marriage in those parameters one needs to define what a "best friend" is first.

[Saturnfulcrum]

We have this joke between my friends (both married and single) and I that for the first year and a half of marriage, the newly weds are "dead to the world". And it's true.

Whenever a friend got married, my parting words were 'see you in a year and a half!'. They always denied that it would happen. Once they got out of that year and a half 'honeymoon' stage, they admitted that yes, they were dead to the world.

So you call it a black hole, I call it temporary death. :) It's there, but you just take the change by the horns and send them a facebook post every other month or so. You might get lucky and get a reply back!

[Obolus]

If you had a "best friend", it should be your companion. Friendship can remain but never to override your marriage or considered greater than spending time with the one who want to share eternality with.

I doubt anyone is interested in letting friendships override any marriage relationships.

It's just as hard on married couples to be uprooted from their friends and forced to establish new roots in traditional wards as it is for singles to watch their married friends disappear from their immediate religious community.

The segregation is needless. People should have the option of returning home from their honeymoons and maintaining the same friendships in their same congregations.

It is a culture of compartmentalization that has caused our faith to establish all of these unnecessary transitions.