Racially disconnected in Church?

[Melissa569]

If you talk to her, I probably would not mention anything about the racial part of her feelings at all, because its just too sensitive a subject. It would be difficult to do so without sounding patronizing, and I never cared about race anyway. I would just walk up to her, offer her a big hug, and speak my heart by saying something like,

"I just want you to know that you are very loved and welcome here-- and so is anybody else who needs the truth of God's word in their life."

Edited August 14, 2010 by Melissa569

[Dossice]

Maybe for the rest of the day, but it seems odd that you would still be dwelling on it when this happened in May. I don't think the imposed self-consciousness would be something that would last.

Not exactly. The self-consciousness was temporary as you suggest, but she hasn't attended church since that Sunday, so I'm concerned. Perhaps it has nothing to do with her discomfort, so I can only pray that she is safe and healthy. If she does return however, I think Melissa569 is correct in leaving out her racial disconnection in greeting her back to the ward. That was my very sentiment in that bringing up that subject would seem almost patronizing. Besides, a hug is pretty much a universal heart-to-heart, who could pass one of those up? :)

[dorave]

She's seems lonely. Go be a friend.

[Melissa569]

She's seems lonely. Go be a friend.

Amen. There are plenty of reasons why somebody might feel like an outsider in a group. Most of the time, they just want to hear that at least ONE person genuinely wants them around. And if many people say the same, it can work wonders. :)

I remember when I was 12 and my parents had just divorced-- I was te ONLY girl in young women's, who's parents weren't still together. There were 3 divorced memebrs in my ward (1 woman and 2 men), but none of them had a teenage daughter living with them. I felt completely alone in my age group there, like I just didn't belong. Everyone else seemed to have a happy family. None of the other girls understood what was going on, at least not on a personal level. I stayed with my father, because my mother left him for someone else, and he was really depressed. Besides, I was a daddy's girl, lol.

Dad and I started going inactive... But the church sent out the two male divorced members and some missionaries to talk to him. And they had all the girls in Beehive write me letters, asking me to come back and saying how even in hard times, its better to have support than to be alone. So we went back for another year, which really made a difference. Then we moved up to the mountians with Dad's parents, and there were no wards up there. But the way they reached out to us really made us feel better.

Edited August 15, 2010 by Melissa569

[pam]

"I just want you to know that you are very loved and welcome here-- and so is anybody else who needs the truth of God's word in their life."

Why even add that at the end? That puts it in a way to where you are implying the difference.

I'd just leave at the welcome here part. But saying it and showing it can be two different things.

[Moksha]

Of course, she is entitled to her own opinions of how she should feel. The fact is, however, it is difficult in regards to how she made it a public issue. I am sure she wouldn't appreciate it if 30+ members of our ward repetitively asked her how they could make her feel more apart of the ward, although I'm sure if a few people did that, it would show her that we are concerned for her welfare nad would make her feel more at ease. I'm not sure if ignoring her plight is truly the best way to go, nor being blunt. Perhaps there is middle ground in which the answer lies.

Your heart is in the right place. I hope your outreach is successful. When one truly feels out of place, my guess is that well intentioned caring people can help make that feeling dissipate through their outpouring of care and support.

[mightynancy]

Which is?

Being in the minority.

If minority feels out-of-place in the majority--well, we've got to completely cater to that individual. But if the situations are reversed--why, he had it coming to him, and he should just deal with it!

I never said that only we big, bad white people are awful. Any discrimination based on outward appearance is lamentable. When a white male is discriminated against for being a pale and carrying a Y-chromosome, that's wrong. Perhaps you have me confused with someone else?

I think the OP is great to be concerned about a sister in her ward. My only caution is not to tell the sister how she ought to feel - justified or not, the sister feels racially disconnected; that's her reality.

[dorave]

Amen. There are plenty of reasons why somebody might feel like an outsider in a group. Most of the time, they just want to hear that at least ONE person genuinely wants them around. And if many people say the same, it can work wonders. :)

I remember when I was 12 and my parents had just divorced-- I was te ONLY girl in young women's, who's parents weren't still together. There were 3 divorced memebrs in my ward (1 woman and 2 men), but none of them had a teenage daughter living with them. I felt completely alone in my age group there, like I just didn't belong. Everyone else seemed to have a happy family. None of the other girls understood what was going on, at least not on a personal level. I stayed with my father, because my mother left him for someone else, and he was really depressed. Besides, I was a daddy's girl, lol.

Dad and I started going inactive... But the church sent out the two male divorced members and some missionaries to talk to him. And they had all the girls in Beehive write me letters, asking me to come back and saying how even in hard times, its better to have support than to be alone. So we went back for another year, which really made a difference. Then we moved up to the mountians with Dad's parents, and there were no wards up there. But the way they reached out to us really made us feel better.

Yep, I agree. Sometimes we complicate things when we resolve problems, and the end result usually nearly always only serves to make the problem worst. A little charity goes a long long way, in fact my personal experience says it never fails. Why the OP posted about it on a forum wihout acting upon her notion at first prompting, is pretty mysterfying, and then to assume it is related to a racial conflict is saying something bemusing itself.

.

[Mute]

One Testimony Sunday late May, a woman in my ward got up and spoke about how although she knew the church was true, she felt racially disconnected because she was one of the only African American women to go to an almost fully Caucasian LDS ward, and told how she has even been battling going to church because she felt out of place.

Now, I do not agree with her reasoning in that for one: our ward is very poor and very humble, and, if any of the other families are similar to mine, we do not judge her by the color of her skin nor treat her differently in any form. And two: She is an exceedingly kind, intelligent, and spiritual woman, and should not let her views of her race become an obstacle to her happiness or faith.

That being said, she has not been attending church for over a month. I sincerely hope that it is not due to these feelings that she earlier revealed, but if that is indeed the case, how would you approach her to let her know that she should not feel disenfranchised from coming to church and practicing her religion because she happens to be a minority within the particular ward? The fact that she is already racially sensitive places a tricky role in this as I fear that she may become offended if anyone did approach her on the subject, but I feel that someone should give her a heads up that we love and respect her for who she is, without consideration to how light or dark her skin may be.

However, on a separate note, I feel that it was inappropriate for her to make use of testimony time to publicly present her issue, and that it would have been more beneficial to her situation if she spoke privately with the Bishop so that he could inspire her that her feelings should not gravitate to race but to her faith, and/or in the case that her feelings stem from being discriminated against by whomever in the church, they could resolve the issue expediently. By presenting her conflicts to the ward, she only made people self-conscious about her issue, and thus uncomfortable and stuck in a position in that we know that she feels different, but there is virtually nothing we can do besides to ignore the fact that she gave such a testimony and pray that she will find the strength to come to the truth that race holds no bounds in religion.

In my opinion, as some have mentioned, I would just be nice to her. I'm not sure how well you know this woman, if at all. If you do not know her really but live by her house or were in the area, I'd possibly stop by to see how she was doing or ask her if she wanted to join you for some activity. You could strike up a conversation about her flowers if she has any. Maybe ask her if she wants to do something not related to the church so the first thought that comes to her mind isn't that you came over because you felt expected to. People want to know someone genuinely cares about them and if they believe that, I do not believe race would be as large of an issue for her. IMO, I believe she would more likely be turned off though if she felt you didn't come over because you genuinely cared about her.

There are a lot of factors that could play a part into how she is feeling. I've felt uncomfortable before when I was in a group where I was the minority but that was mainly because I felt unsafe. Other times I didn't feel bad at all because the people were friendly even though I was a minority. My guess, correct me if I'm wrong, is just that she felt like people were kind of ignoring her or not really acting like she was there so much. That's not because people are naturally racist. A lot of people have a difficult time reaching out to others and sometimes that that makes us feel unnoticed or like we don't fit in. Heck, there are a ton of people in the ward my parents go to that do not do their home teaching simply because they don't know how to reach out to people or they don't think the person will like them. I'm just throwing out possibilities here for why things may be the way they are with this lady. I may be wrong on some of it but this is what I've learned through past experiences. I hope this has helped.

As for the testimony time being inappropriate, people are learning. 95% of all testimonies I've ever heard in the past were not testimonies at all but the story of of someones weekend etc. A lot of people just need someone to talk to and they unfortunately choose to use testimony meeting for it. A testimony meeting is for just that testimonies but that is for the bishop to address them about. Some bishops do stress that you need to keep a testimony short and to the point but that still doesn't stop people from doing it.

[dorave]

It's such a fine line to help and love someone that feels racially disconnected to having it turned around to feel racially segregated or motivated.

.

Which is the problem when thin lines are drawn, people become reluctant to act and help if someone is truly in need, the still small voice is drowned out by the fear of crossing that thin line for doing something good.

[Boris_natasha]

I really like the fellowship suggestions: inviting her to activities, calling her up to see how she's doing, asking her if she needs anything, being sincerely caring. Maybe you can talk with the RS pres. and ask about fellowship ideas. Also, encourage her to invite her friends and family to church. I agree with dorave, it might not be a racial issue keeping her from church. But if it is, I think it's ok to tell her that you too would hope to see more racial diversity in your ward.

Edited August 15, 2010 by Boris_natasha

[pam]

Which is the problem when thin lines are drawn, people become reluctant to act and help if someone is truly in need, the still small voice is drowned out by the fear of crossing that thin line for doing something good.

That I do understand. The main reason I brought up the fine line. It's a tough situation. I've been in a ward where I was such a minority. I felt out of place. Not that the people weren't friendly. They were. Just that I was not Polynesian and didn't have that common bond with them.

[rameumptom]

I worked for over 16 years in the inner city of Montgomery and in Tuskegee Alabama, most of it as a stake missionary. In 1987, we started actively teaching blacks, even though it had been 9 years since the revelation on the priesthood occurred.

I was shocked at the amount of racism there was in the Church (I was in the Air Force at the time). We had Relief Society presidencies refuse to visit the new sisters, members complain that a black sister was teaching Primary, etc. It took many years to overcome the racism.

One complaint I often heard from white members was, "why can't they just pull themselves up by their own bootstraps?" Well, the answer is that they do not know how. They feel different, because society treats most blacks and their cultures (there is more than just a rap culture) differently. And few in the Church were willing to take the time and energy to befriend them and teach them how to be a Mormon.

How often does this sister get invited over for dinner, or fun by other ward members? How often do others go up to her and tell her how glad they are to see her, or ask her how she's doing? This sister got up in testimony meeting to give her plea for help. It seems no one listened.

I can easily imagine how ignored she must feel in the ward, simply because others do not understand her. And instead of trying to understand and reach out, they just pretend there is no problem, hoping it will go away. Well, she's gone away now. For many white members that solves "the problem."

In the month that she's been away, who has visited her? Have you? Did you go by and tell her that you miss her, and ask if there's anything you can do to help? Talk with her. Ask her about her life, growing up in a time of Jim Crow laws and racism. You'll never fully understand her experience, but you can begin to understand. And you may develop a wonderful friendship that will strengthen her and make you a better person.

I know I am truly a better person for the times I went at night alone into the projects to visit black members who were struggling. I still feel their pain as I remember seeing the huge struggles they went through. Most of us do not have drug dealers and prostitutes standing on our street corners. Nor do we have to deal directly with gangs and drive by shootings. Many good, decent black folks do.

Finally, invite her to join the Genesis Group. It is an official LDS group for blacks. My friend Darius Gray was president of it until recently. She can find out more at ldsblack.org

Edited August 16, 2010 by rameumptom

[bytor2112]

I worked for over 16 years in the inner city of Montgomery and in Tuskegee Alabama, most of it as a stake missionary. In 1987, we started actively teaching blacks, even though it had been 9 years since the revelation on the priesthood occurred.

I was shocked at the amount of racism there was in the Church (I was in the Air Force at the time). We had Relief Society presidencies refuse to visit the new sisters, members complain that a black sister was teaching Primary, etc. It took many years to overcome the racism.

One complaint I often heard from white members was, "why can't they just pull themselves up by their own bootstraps?" Well, the answer is that they do not know how. They feel different, because society treats most blacks and their cultures (there is more than just a rap culture) differently. And few in the Church were willing to take the time and energy to befriend them and teach them how to be a Mormon.

How often does this sister get invited over for dinner, or fun by other ward members? How often do others go up to her and tell her how glad they are to see her, or ask her how she's doing? This sister got up in testimony meeting to give her plea for help. It seems no one listened.

I can easily imagine how ignored she must feel in the ward, simply because others do not understand her. And instead of trying to understand and reach out, they just pretend there is no problem, hoping it will go away. Well, she's gone away now. For many white members that solves "the problem."

In the month that she's been away, who has visited her? Have you? Did you go by and tell her that you miss her, and ask if there's anything you can do to help? Talk with her. Ask her about her life, growing up in a time of Jim Crow laws and racism. You'll never fully understand her experience, but you can begin to understand. And you may develop a wonderful friendship that will strengthen her and make you a better person.

I know I am truly a better person for the times I went at night alone into the projects to visit black members who were struggling. I still feel their pain as I remember seeing the huge struggles they went through. Most of us do not have drug dealers and prostitutes standing on our street corners. Nor do we have to deal directly with gangs and drive by shootings. Many good, decent black folks do.

Awesome comments. We have a couple of black families in our ward and they are awesome people. One of the boys is good friends with my sons and I would frankly adopt him in a second.....a wonderful young man.

[pam]

Totally agree Ram. Thus my comment about stereotypes that exist even in the Church.

[dorave]

Totally agree Ram. Thus my comment about stereotypes that exist even in the Church.

Stereotypes exist everywhere, it's an element of human nature.

[FunkyTown]

Stereotypes exist everywhere, it's an element of human nature.

Stereotypes exist everywhere in humanity?

That's a stereotype.

[Just_A_Guy]

stereotypes exist everywhere in humanity?

That's a stereotype.

q.e.d.

[dorave]

Stereotypes exist everywhere in humanity?

That's a stereotype.

I just thanked you sonny, for reinforcing my point. Cheerz.

[Dossice]

Yep, I agree. Sometimes we complicate things when we resolve problems, and the end result usually nearly always only serves to make the problem worst. A little charity goes a long long way, in fact my personal experience says it never fails. Why the OP posted about it on a forum wihout acting upon her notion at first prompting, is pretty mysterfying, and then to assume it is related to a racial conflict is saying something bemusing itself.

.

For you to question what I have or have not done in this situation is quite offensive. You, as well as I to this woman, have no background on my/her life, nor how busy we may be with family, school, whatever. Furthermore, SHE is the one who said the reason she has been battling coming to church is because she feels uncomfortable in a white ward, SHE is the one who is pointing to racial conflict. So, please be objective when you start to make assumptions, as with most other people on this board. I'm sure most of you are having some sort of difficulty in your life that you can relate to this woman's, and it is obvious most of you have had more education than I have, but your over-analyzation of this subject is quite irking. I'm just trying to help this woman possibly come back and feel more comfortable in this ward. I do not need to explain to you who I am, why I have not "acted upon my notions," or why I have come to this board for answers. Nor do I need to explain every little sentence you seem to exaggerate to paint me as a bad person. I would be certainly glad for your unbiased offers of help, but I am through with explanations and silly accusations. Thanks.

Edited August 18, 2010 by Dossice

[pam]

I just thanked you sonny, for reinforcing my point. Cheerz.

FunkyTown is not your sonny. I'm going to ask that you please not respond in such a condescending way.

[Vanhin]

Dossice,

I agree with Matthew0059 and even Moksha... (And believe me, it is a rare thing when Moksha is not mocking-ya).

Your heart is in the right place. Even if it is awkward, do what you feel the Lord is prompting you to do. Don't be afraid to act on the promptings you have.

Regards,

Vanhin

[jayanna]

Dossice, I understand your frustration. It is hard to hear a cry for help and not know how to answer it. I would give her the benefit of the doubt as to why she chose to air her grief in testimony meeting, maybe she thought is was the only avenue left to share her loneliness...I don't know.

I think a nice card mailed to her would be good, you might thank her for a particularly nice lesson, talk, or service she has done that you appreciate. You might see when her birthday is, the RS pres. would know.

The Gladys Knight concert is a fantastic idea...I went to one and brought several non-member friends...It was one of the best times I've ever had!

[FunkyTown]

FunkyTown is not your sonny. I'm going to ask that you please not respond in such a condescending way.

I don't take it personal. I suspect he didn't quite get the joke.

[Vanhin]

Besides, maybe FunkyTown is his sonny... They obviously have a relationship of some sort. Funky even quotes dorave in his signature... :)