Proactive Transition.


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I really like the top post, and I think you make a lot of good points.

Regarding the post entitled "So many transitions," I have a couple of beefs. (1) Young women should be encouraged more than they are now to prepare themselves to serve missions, but since they are not able to actually go out until 21 years of age, it's not the focus at the time of transition. (2) Home teaching is part of the duties of the Priesthood, and is distributed over the Melchizedek and Aaronic Priesthoods. Visiting teaching is not part of the YW program, so it's not anything that's being neglected. (3) I suspect the actual numbers are higher than 50%, though still not ideal. I've seen a lot more young men fall away during transition than young women. (4) Seeing other singles in RS on Sundays might help, but most graduating 18-year-old will still think of it as mom's group of friends.

Interestingly, the current (but soon-to-be-outdated) Church Handbook of Instructions states that "the needs of single members are best met in traditional wards." Unfortunately, traditional wards no longer know what to do with single members under the age of 65.

I married a month after my 25th birthday. It was a perfect time for me to end my single years -- not too late, not too early. I graduated high school at 17 and went off to college. I attended BYU for a year, so I got that singles experience. Coming back home, I became actively involved with the YSA in my stake, which did not have a singles unit. A neighboring stake did, and we were invited to attend if we wanted, but not many did. We joined with them for occasional regional activities, but we had a very strong YSA program on a stake level. (That stake now has a singles ward, which makes me a little sad.) In fact, we were part of a seven stake region, only two of which had actual singles units, yet each of the seven stakes (except for one that was quite rural and sprawling) had highly successful YSA and Institute programs in their stakes. Many of the wards in my stake had separate YSA Sunday School classes, though we still integrated for Priesthood and Relief Society. It was ideal.

A few months before my mission, my parents move across the country. I came home from my mission to a bit of a foreign setting as far as YSA things went. There was a branch affiliated with the local university, but it was a 25-30 minute drive for me. I stayed in my home ward (despite the fact that I despise that ward...now) for a year and a half. I attended Institute every week at the YSA building, and often attended FHE out there too. Occasionally I would attend my ward in the morning and the YSA branch in the afternoon. Part of me rebelled against being in "a singles ward," part of me didn't want to make the drive every week, and part of me was intimidated by the people there (I was a two-time college dropout, and the branch was local to an Ivy League University). I eventually transferred my records there (ironically, around the same time I started dating my -- now -- husband, who lived out of state then), but only because I wanted out of my calling in the home ward, but didn't want to ask to be released.

Having attended a BYU ward, a non-singles-ward-but-strong-YSA-program-on-a-stake-level ward, and a typical singles branch, my best experiences by far were in the home ward with a strong stake level YSA program. I wish that every stake could run a YSA/Institute program the way that stake did. It would do so much good for the mental, spiritual, and emotional health of its singles.

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Wingnut, thank-you for the thoughtful response.

(1) Young women should be encouraged more than they are now to prepare themselves to serve missions, but since they are not able to actually go out until 21 years of age, it's not the focus at the time of transition.

Totally agree. The gap between transition and the 21-year mission option is an abstraction that doesn't give them as clear a religious role as is given to their male counterparts. We lose a lot of YW in that gap, and it may very well be a matter of logistics.

(2) Visiting teaching is not part of the YW program, so it's not anything that's being neglected.

I know the policy. What I don't understand is the need within our culture to separate YW from duties (assisting with Visiting Teaching) that could help them envision themselves serving in the auxiliary that awaits them. I think opening exercises could go a long way in that department also. From the outside, it would seem that the program in place is constructed more for the success and integration of YM than YW.

(3) I suspect the actual numbers are higher than 50%, though still not ideal. I've seen a lot more young men fall away during transition than young women.

My numbers are from the Stake Relief Society Presidents of Laguna Niguel, CA, and Sugarhouse Stake in SLC. I also spoke with the Stake President of the Seattle North Stake. None claimed better than 50% of YW, and all were distraught with the topic, seeming to be unsure as to what could be done to stem the exodus.

(4) Seeing other singles in RS on Sundays might help, but most graduating 18-year-old will still think of it as mom's group of friends.

Reality is a matter of perception, and perception can be changed with attitude. Little more than opening exercises and participation with visiting teaching could do wonders to dissipate the alienation between these groups if given the chance. YW leaders could also be closer associated with Relief Society leadership. Small and simple things are the means of much good.

Interestingly, the current (but soon-to-be-outdated) Church Handbook of Instructions states that "the needs of single members are best met in traditional wards." Unfortunately, traditional wards no longer know what to do with single members under the age of 65.

All the current leadership has already been socialized by the current program. They should be retrained as to what to do with singles. The singles who do choose to go local bear the most responsibility, though. They should seek out callings and service opportunities wherever they reside. The problem with the YSA program is that it has trained the current generation to think of church as more of a social club than of a service organization.

Thank-you for sharing your singles experience. I think it confirms a lot of my feelings towards the YSA system. If you remove the meat market from Sacrament meeting, then Institute and activities will naturally become vital and well attended. All the same singles will have the opportunity to meet and interact, it's just the venue that will change.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I think part of the problem too is that the marrieds in our age group just don't know what to make of us--or what to do with us. Like we're overgrown kids that need some kind of supervision.

A little background info on me before I go on. I'm 35, female, never been married. I went to a YSA ward from the time I was 23 to 29. It was not a good experience. Part of the reason was the extreme pressure to get married. I was glad to get back into a family ward. I intensely dislike dances and always have, even as a teen. Firesides aren't much better IMO. I was recently called as the singles rep in my ward. I accepted the calling mostly because I figured it was my turn even though I have not participated in the Singles program since coming back to the family ward and have no desire to do so.

There are only 5 active singles in my ward, all women and I am the youngest by about 10-15 years. Two senior citizens in very poor health, two divorced 40-somethings with children who have flat-out told me, "don't bother me with Singles information" and me who is apathetic towards the program at best and downright hostile at worst.

I went to my first meeting in August. They talked about how the mid-singles activities and such weren't getting much participation and that people were tired of only having dances and firesides. Most of the activities are weekly dances and people don't like dances--the participation was generally around 20-30 people out of about 1,000. It had been suggested that they drop the number of dances to one a month and to come up with other things. I suggested service projects both in our wards and in the community. The idea seemed to be well received and I went away thinking that maybe getting back in the singles scene wouldn't be too bad.

Then came September's meeting in which every decision we made the previous month was thrown out and we were told to plan for a dance for our next activity and to decide what to do for our fireside. When one of the other ward reps questioned the decision we were told that service projects could be done in the ward. The Singles program is to meet the needs and provide activities that the wards can't. So the fellow asked them if there was some sort of mission statement or guideline for the Singles program. They couldn't give us an answer. They didn't know what changes they wanted made. They couldn't tell us what wards could provide that the Singles program couldn't and vice versa. They didn't like/didn't agree with what we wanted or were asking for. I went away in tears feeling like my participation in the church was being decided by middle-aged married men who hadn't a clue as to what my needs were and weren't really interested in finding out despite all their talk about "change". Which is a shame because they're probably very caring men.

I've spent most of the week since that meeting flip-flopping with the idea asking to be released immediately or sticking it out for a few more months to see if things improve.

I feel like there is a definite disconnect and that people want things to be better, they just have no idea how.

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I also wanted to address the Relief Society issue. I have had the experience of actually being pushed away from it and told that I would be better off in one of the other organizations since I "don't have much in common" with the Relief Society sisters (several bishops straight out told me this). Simply because I'm single. I like Relief Society and always have. I was ready, willing, and eager to leave Young Women's to go into RS and I would have been perfectly happy staying there but I estimate that in the 17 years since leaving Young Women's that I have spent maybe 7 years in Relief Society the rest of the time I have been in Primary. Apparently that's the best use a family ward has for me. Don't get me wrong, I love those little kids but I would like to spend time with adults at church too.

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Flutterbee,

Thank-you for commenting.

I think your frustrations with Stake leadership is common, but you have to remember who you are dealing with (they probably married young, and they are probably afraid to look bad to Stake leadership) and find a way to teach them to better understand the people that they are serving. I realize it is frustrating, but even giving the priesthood to blacks was a war of attrition that couldn't happen until certain members of the Twelve passed away. These are humans with weaknesses, and the Lord is doing the best he can with imperfect men. So proceed with compassion.

I would continue to focus on service projects even if the stake leaders continue to refuse. This is an opportunity for you to show some patience & to show that you have a spine. Present with a smile, and accept rejection with a smile. Eventually, you will wear them down and have a successful service project.

When people lose themselves in service, Christ claims that they will find their lives and themselves. It is in this state of mind that many people become more open to relationships. I think at least half of all singles dances (at every age level) should be replaced with service projects. It would show prospective mates a different side of those that participate.

As for Relief Society, I think you should go and not worry about the foibles of certain bishops. Forgive them, and make serious contributions to the RS in your ward. If you consult the Lord & still feel that you have been in Primary for long enough, then ask to be released and continue with your singles calling. If the bishop ends up getting perturbed with you over it, that's ok. He'll eventually get over it, and life will go on. There are plenty of people who could stand to take their turn in Primary, and most of them are male.

Bishops are exposed to the ugly things that happen to married couples, so their reaction to singles is colored by that knowledge. They often think of them as religious transients with potential problems for the ward (in many cases they are right). Much work must be done to change this expectation, and it will take the work and willingness of faithful singles to do this.

But if you are feeling the need to participate in RS, you should do so. The fact that you are single, 35, and active means that you are a rarity. Most singles our age have abandoned church activity completely. You owe it to yourself to be proactive about your activity and to fully expect to be marginalized and offended. Forgive ignorant people in advance, and your path will be much clearer.

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