Wish I could overcome....


Tamiele
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feelings of being out of place. I have always felt out of place in the LDS church. I have been a member since 2000. I haven't always been active - and adjusting to the culture of the church has been hard for me. Alot of things want to push me out of my comfort zone. Growing up in another church and in another community kind of makes me feel like I have no roots with the people of the church. My husband is a member and his family as well. I have always done well in my own circle of friends/relatives and can take the lead and get things done, without too much anxiety. But not with church people I can't figure out exactly why that is. Tonight I really felt it to my core - I have been called to be an assistant to the Enrichment activities and went to help out. People I knew well and people I didn't know at all were there. I felt like I had absolutely nothing to offer. Everybody had a skill or talent - I kept thinking I haven't anything. I am not the domestic diva that many LDS women have cultivated those skills. Where can I fit here?? Is this adversary?? I obviously have an incorrect belief hidden somewhere deep inside that is bringing this out in the open for me. I am terrified to get infront to give the opening prayers, I refuse when asked. I won't bear my testimony, or give talks, or anything that puts me infront of the group. I don't understand why. I have been infront of people in other situations to sing or announce something. I just though perhaps someone else might have this same issue. I want to be over this. I want to serve and give my best and I know I have things to offer if I just thought about it. I just need to stop feeling ill at the thought of a social gathering. Just be a friend.

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I've been a member all my life (I'm 62) and have never really related with very many members of the church on a personal level. All my best friends are non-members. I'm talking about people I (actually my wife and I) go to dinner with, travel with etc. My wife has a lot of friends in the church, and I do piggy-back on that.

I think the reason is that many of the activities in the church don't really interest me. I have a lot of outside interests, and while I've never been inactive, things like temple work, home teaching, genealogy etc. don't attract my attention. I don't appreciate leaders of the church trying to "guilt" me into doing something that I don't care to do.

In the final analysis, going to church and participating in the activities is like anything else in life: it becomes personal. Luckily for my eternal salvation I found a good woman who I CAN relate to, and she helps me a lot.

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I have never felt really comfortable at church either. I am a pretty big geek/nerd and though I can relate to many people at church I don’t really mesh well with them. Basically if I want to hang out with people at church I have to put on a mask of who I really am and be a pretend me. I have been a pretend me for many years so I am pretty good at it but it is always nice to find someone who just meshes well with me so that I can take off the mask and be myself.

Very often I don’t end up attending Enrichment, mostly because I really am not as interested in many of the things they do, however as your calling is assisting in Enrichment activities maybe you can help bring a bit of a change to yours. Suggest activities that you would be interested in. Have them learn about hobbies that interest you. Enrichment doesn’t always have to be about housekeeping, or scrapbooking, or quilting, it can be about many other things as well.

It sounds like you may be a bit shy when it comes to interacting with other people, especially if you don’t know them too well, I am much the same. It takes awhile for me to get up the courage to talk with others and get to know them. Which is why I often make friends in an area about 2 to 3 years after we have been living there.

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Tamiele, everyone has a gift from God that can benefit others. I have no doubt that you do, too. I suggest you do a topical search of "gifts" and "talents" in the Topical Guide to the scriptures and read what Heavenly Father and the prophets and apostles have said about it. One of my favorite scriptures is in 2 Timothy-

6 "Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands.

7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

The point is that we don't all have the same gifts. You don't have to be a domestic diva or a confident dynamic public speaker to contribute. You may have organizational skills or a nice singing voice to add to a chorus. You might have ideas that help women in other areas. We all have the need to be "enriched" in many areas of life- not just homemaking. I used to love the cultural lessons we got in Relief Society about different countries and lands. Perhaps you could even lend insight into how LDS women can relate to women of other religions and belief systems since you are a convert and grew up in a different church. I think we as LDS women sometimes struggle with that.

Another suggestion is for you to really pray to our loving Heavenly Father. Ask him what your gifts and talents are and what He'd like you to do with them. Confide in your Relief Society president or bishop and ask them to help you find a way to use and develop the natural gifts you have. I don't believe that we should always defer and let the most confident members take over because sometimes it takes just jumping in and doing something hard that increases our abilities. But at the same time I don't think it's appropriate to make someone the Gospel Doctrine teacher who has a mortal fear of public speaking. Know what I mean? There is a place for everyone. And everyone has something to offer.

I think just the very fact that you have come on this public forum to express your concerns shows that you can relate to others with the same problems and perhaps can encourage them. Thanks for taking the risk. I love people like you who are honest and real! I wish we could allow ourselves to be more individual in the church rather than all trying so hard to be just like each other. I resist doing the crafts at Enrichment, not just because I don't like them but also because I don't want my home to look just like others or my daughters wearing the same little skirt or jumper as 20 other little girls in Primary. I used to laugh as a teenager 35 yrs ago when I went into my friends homes and saw the exact same gold sprayed quail sitting in their living rooms. I think every ward RS throughout Utah made those. (My mother-in-law still displays hers!) When I was on the Enrichment board I encouraged the idea of a group that could just come and bring their own craft that they happened to be working on and do them together that evening-not the same craft- just whatever anyone wanted to do. After all its' the sisterhood and friendship and spending relaxed time together that is most important. Unfortunately that never went over very well. The committee always felt compelled to do some elaborate and expensive project that ended up stressing the leaders out. And often never got finished. Cant tell you how many unfinished RS projects I brought home and just ended up dumping eventually.

One more idea- one of my most favorite enrichments was a service project we did where we painted soup bowls (made by a local art/pottery class at the college). They were then donated to a soup kitchen type affair. It was so fun to see the individuality and creativity coming out that night. Every bowl was different!! Didn't matter if you were artistic or not. It didn't matter what the finished product looked like. And best of all, we didn't take them home to clutter up our kitchens- we gave them back to the community.

Good luck in your quest to find your place and contribute. You sound like a person I'd love to have in my ward!

Edited by carlimac
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Tamiele, I'm a convert of almost 15 years and you sound almost EXACTLY like me! I am also not even remotely domestic. I can barely cook, I can only sew enough to put a button on or repair a very basic seam by hand and that's pretty much it. Can't quilt, can't make my own clothes, etc. I don't like social gatherings and am terrified of speaking to large groups. I'm on the Activities Committee, which is very hard for me as I'm really not interested in the activities and would prefer to spend quiet evenings at home. It's not that I don't like the members of the Church, I just feel no need whatsoever to socialize with large groups and I don't enjoy it.

I used to think that all other ladies in the Church could do those things, but I've found out that really very few of them have even one of those talents. They just don't tend to speak up because, like you and I, they're afraid that everyone else does have those talents and that they'll be out of place.

I'm sure part of it depends on where you live. Where I live a lot of the members are converts and didn't grow up learning those skills, like you and I. I find that the ones who can do all those things (at least among the members I know) are the ones who grew up in the Church and learned those skills from their parents, grandparents, etc. So if you live in an area like Salt Lake City where a lot of members are second, third, fourth generation, etc., I can definitely see how you might be in the minority if you can't do a lot of those things.

But you're really not in the minority Church-wide, as most members nowadays are converts. And you DO have talents, you just have to find them. It took me YEARS to discover that my talent lies with family history research and I have been able to bless others by aiding them in their own searches for ancestors. Like you I am terrified to get up in front of the congregation to give prayers, bear my testimony, etc. I do give prayers when asked, but I have only borne my testimony once in my almost-15 years as a member. And from talking with other members I have found that almost everyone is afraid of getting up on that pulpit! Just because people around you don't SAY they're afraid doesn't mean they aren't.

Just remember that you are where the Lord wants you to be and you don't have to be everyone's best friend! This Church is a very social organization, but not everyone is suited to that and that's okay. You can quietly serve and know that you are doing the Lord's work, even if you don't find it exciting or fun or even enjoyable. The Lord may simply want you to learn something from this calling. One of the things I learned from my years as a Primary and Nursery teacher was that I loved kids, but just didn't want to be a teacher. I actually changed my college degree in part because of that experience!

Take heart. I'm betting you are contributing far more than you realize. Sometimes the only thing others need from us is a friendly face and a smile. I've met more than one Church member who I enjoy being around and who has confided that they don't think they have anything to offer anyone. Well, maybe the only thing they're meant to offer is to make me feel comfortable at church. Who knows?

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One more idea- have you had a patriarchal blessing yet? If so, read it again. If not, ask for one. It can help you discover your gifts and what God wants you to do with them.

I have never had this done. I don't know why. I always say I will get to it and just don't make the time. I agree, it would likely clear up some issues for me.

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Thanks for the many encouraging and helpful remarks. I do have some idea of what I am contributing. One of which - is the fact that I am one of the few people in the ward who is homeschooling. Not by choice - by necessity and have been doing that for 5 years now. I am not always met with understanding - and a couple times with outright animosity. This is likely what caused me difficulty last night. One older lady was peppering me with questions and when I didn't answer with what she wanted to hear - she challenged me on it. Sometimes I want to scream at some church members who forget that I am the only one with the authority to make decisions for my children's welfare - not another mom who thinks they know what is best based on their experiences. Mine are different. I didn't even both to get into the fact that my son in special needs because she had closed her mind off to my point of view. Anyhow, back to what I contribute - some sisters who may have considered homeschooling or even had some backward biases towards it - may now look at me and think, she is doing it, perhaps it isn't that weird - or in the case of one of the sisters - she actually pulled her child last year who was having trouble in school and I think she felt she could do that because others were doing it too.

I also thought to myself, that when I am in a group of people and feeling like an outsider. I could make it my mission to interact with people so others don't feel like I do. Plain and simple. Stop thinking about myself - and think of how to help the other sisters.

Thanks again for all of your helpful advice.

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