"Cheating" husband, should I stay?


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I found out this morning that my husband is "cheating" on me. I consider it cheating, but he says it's not because it hasn't been "all the way". There is still nudity involved, and he's done it with 5 different women. My heart is broken, because we have 4 children all under the age of 10. The thing that is hardest for me, is that we've been doing all the "right" things. I thought we had a good marriage. This has really hit me out of left field. We go to church every week- all our meetings. We do FHE every week, read our scriptures every night as a family, family and couple prayer. We go to the temple monthly.

His father did the same thing to his mother. She stuck it out, staying with him through 25 years of marriage. In the end he ended up leaving her any way. Now she's 50+ and all alone.

Do I stick it out, hoping and praying that I don't end up alone in the end. Do I get out now, while I'm still young? Why is this happening to my family?

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Do I stick it out, hoping and praying that I don't end up alone in the end.

Base off of what? Do you have any reason to even think that staying with him is worth it?

Do I get out now, while I'm still young?

Thats more for you and the Lord. Is this who you want your kids to look up to (Much like he looked up to his father).

Don't you feel you can have a better life with out this guy (or a better guy).

Why is this happening to my family?

With agency there is always a choice. He had a choice, being married (a choice) always has Consequences.

Is it a blessing that you see him for what he is now, instead of 50 years later?

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Hi Reader. First of all, I am sorry about the difficult time you are facing. I am quite annoyed (sorry, I cannot find a better word) your husband's position about the whole thing not being "cheating" because it hasn't been "all the way". It tells a lot about how he is viewing this whole thing (and five different women?). Wow, I mean is just unbelievable. You mentioned you guys have been doing all the "right" things. Well, obviously something along the way did not work out.

How did you find out? Did he tell you about it? There are so many things you have to take into consideration:

1. Whether or not he is lying with regards to the fact he didn't have intercourse with these women (5 different ones?). Sorry, I doubt it very much and you need to take into consideration sexual transmitted diseases, etc. You need to be checked by a doctor to ensure.

2. He doesn't seem remorseful about the whole thing and does not even consider it "cheating". This is a HUGE red flag for your future marriage, taking into consideration he did this with more than one woman. I am pretty sure he is also heavily involved with pornography.

I am not saying this marriage cannot be saved, but you both need serious counseling as soon as possible, both individually and marriage counseling. He also needs to go through the repentance process (without rationalizations as he is doing right now) and YOU need to evaluate what you want to do with your life, your kids (if you have them) and whether or not he will be the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with after finding out all this. You also need to take into consideration your HEALTH, knowing he has been around with other women. Do NOT put yourself at risk.

It is only you who can answer whether or not you should stay, however regardless of the outcome your husband has serious issues that need to be addressed not only by a Bishop but also by a professional psychologist.

All the best.

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Something to keep in mind - when there are kids involved, ending a marriage does not end the relationship. You'll always have something to do with him, because of custody and whatnot.

My general answer to your situation - your children will look at your choices, and integrate them into themselves as the way they should act. The boys will know what the women they marry will put up with if they decide to cheat. The girls will take from you how to act if they marry a cheater.

If it were me, I'd let the kids know what dad is doing, and that dad gets to come back and live with us only if he choses to pick husband and father, over lying horny teenager hypocrite scumbag.

LM

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If it were me, I'd let the kids know what dad is doing, and that dad gets to come back and live with us only if he choses to pick husband and father, over lying horny teenager hypocrite scumbag.

Yes, because badmouthing the kids' other parent is also so good for them, and sets a great example.

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Hi Reader,

I am sorry this is happening to you and your family.

I agree with Suzie and if I may, would recomend your husband leave the house and get into counseling for his problem. Even though he doesn't think it's cheating, make it very clear that you do and won't put up with it. Would he think the church would agree with his view? How would the children feel if they found out? He needs help!

We know God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) and is surely capable of restoring your husband and your marriage but that can only happen if your husband first admits his sin and commits his life to Christ and then gets into counseling and stays there until he can prove to you he is a new man and until, or if ever, you can trust him. He needs to see you are completely serious. If he refuses then that will show you a lot. You also need to be in prayer and absolutely lean on your friends. Please don't go it alone. My prayers are with you.

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I would leave it up to how sorry he is. If he is not sorry so you say sorry the door is that way!

Some guys are really sorry when they se how it hurts... let him see, hear what he is doing to you and your marriage! Many guys are such kids and jerks:mad:... but I stil would not say you should leave, unless you are sure he is not able to repend. He needs to go to talk to the bishop adn if he dont tell him to get back when he has been there.

Many think anything is ok just they dont get caught!

And if he told it to you himself it is good... he may have realised something.

Still we need to forgive when that is right! And sometimes it is..... :huh:

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I truly appreciate all the advice. Thank you.

Maya, I discovered his secret by accident. I don't think he would have told me otherwise. He's willing to go through repentance, but we've been through this before ( he had pornography issues). He promised not to do "things" again. What he has done now is far worse than "just looking", because there were REAL women involved. Won't he just follow the same suit again....promises made and broken? Are there any trustworthy men any more?

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Ok, I"ll chime in being that "guy" in your story.

The best thing you can do for him and you is to leave him. If you have children, then keep the lines open without any resentment and hatred. That will just lead to hard feelings and a hard life. Try to get a default divorce without any attorneys. And DO NOT leave him without taking your share, which will be at least 50%, the house and the children.

Some of us men need to get smacked between the eyes with a 2x4 to get our attention. As for me, I lost my house, family, church membership and even my freedom for a time. But I got back on the right track after many years and am back and active in the church. For heavens sake, I'm an ex'd member with a Stake calling! I call that progress and the Lord blessing me for turning my will over to him (well, I do have my moments, I am human).

I've also been through a whole lot of group therapies with the church and hardcore (and it's an understatement when I say hardcore) group therapy sessions. Separation is 90% necessary for both. He needs to be separated to see what he has lost and what he will lose permanently unless he straightens up and flies right. He also needs space to fix himself, if he wants to. If he doesn't, then you need to get that influence away from you and your children. You need the separation to be able to breathe, think, and see that you can survive without him and his obnoxious behavior. You need to do what you need to bring the Spirit of harmony back into your home since he will not share in that responsibility.

You have every right to be happy as long as you are doing the will of the Lord. Fast and pray about it. You'll make the right decision if you listen to the whisperings of the Lord.

I have dealt with many women (and some men) who are deeply depressed because they, early on, didn't want to see or face what was happening, and now, in middle age, being forced to face it because either DCFS, the law or both has forced them to.

BTW, my ex and I are still friends, we talk all the time, I work with her in her business, and I get to see the kids as much as it is possible for me. I believe it's because we have an understanding that regardless of what has happened, we still both have a responsibility to raise up the children. We so kept them out of our issues that it took a few years for them to realize that we are divorced.

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Fair enough. But letting the kids know that dad is out of the house, and what he did to get kicked out, is pretty important IMO.

It's called being "age appropriate." You don't tell an 11 year old that daddy's been sleeping around. You say that daddy made a big mistake, or we are working on our relationship. Keep it real, folks.

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I found out this morning that my husband is "cheating" on me. I consider it cheating, but he says it's not because it hasn't been "all the way". There is still nudity involved, and he's done it with 5 different women. My heart is broken, because we have 4 children all under the age of 10. The thing that is hardest for me, is that we've been doing all the "right" things. I thought we had a good marriage. This has really hit me out of left field. We go to church every week- all our meetings. We do FHE every week, read our scriptures every night as a family, family and couple prayer. We go to the temple monthly.

His father did the same thing to his mother. She stuck it out, staying with him through 25 years of marriage. In the end he ended up leaving her any way. Now she's 50+ and all alone.

Do I stick it out, hoping and praying that I don't end up alone in the end. Do I get out now, while I'm still young? Why is this happening to my family?

I can't answer why this is happening, but you should not stay based on the information you have provided.

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If it were me, I'd let the kids know what dad is doing

Try to get a default divorce without any attorneys

No, no, no! You do not need to let the kids know what their Dad is doing. That's completely inappropriate. I agree with the "Dad made a mistake" if you must, as long as you can keep it vague. This is a burden of information that the kids do NOT need to carry.

And, please, get yourself a good lawyer. You need a dispassionate third party to advocate for you legally.

As for why this is happening, only your husband can say. Doing "all the right things" is no protection from trials. It is spiritual protection and peace, but we will all have trials because that's just how life is. Please don't think that righteousness means that things will always be sunshine and roses. The fact that y'all were doing these things together only tells me how duplicitous your husband is capable of being.

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I am so sorry you are going through this. As for what you should do, only you can decide. Be sure you understand what the consequences for leaving will be as far as custody/visitation with the children is concerned. If he is to fight custody, him not being faithful will not be of much help to you. Understand what the visitation schedule where you live is. Even when divorce is the answer, the custody arrangements are very difficult on both you and the children. Sometimes divorce is the answer, but it is not without its great pain also. Know up front what you will be dealing with.

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And, please, get yourself a good lawyer. You need a dispassionate third party to advocate for you legally

I had plenty of people telling me that. However, we (ex and I) didn't let it get out of hand. I knew she wanted out, I told her I wouldn't fight her. She cried with relief. She got the papers, we filled them out together and she filed them. Done deal. And we are the better for it because we discussed everything and were very adult about it.

But I can see your point. Sex addicts are VERY manipulative. It's amazing how we (me & fellow addicts) can con our wife's into all kinds of stuff. That's why a separation and/or divorce is needed.

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Reader - there is only One that can give you the direction you need. I have talked to women who have been directed to stay despite the infidelity, and others who have either initially, or at a later point, been directed by Heavenly Father to leave.

In the various permutations of either scenario, there have been great blessings from having sought and then followed Father's counsel, no matter how difficult.

This horrible revelation that has come upon you because of another persons agency can become a great blessing, and a weakness made into a strength. Seek our Heavenly Father's direction in your choice. He knows what is best for all involved.

Edited by ryanh
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Oh no, this is so horrible. I feel so sorry for you and your children. I have known a few couples that this has happened to, and I can't imagine being in this situation. I think the most important thing to do is to take care of yourself, and really think through why you would consider staying in the relationship. I would caution from staying in the relationship "for the children", because I think one of the best things you you can do for your children is give them a solid foundation of two parents who love each other...and if you really loved someone you wouldn't cheat on them.

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I'm with slamjet on this one.

Get yourselft tested for STD's immediately.

Get a lawyer. Get with your bishop. Right Now.

This is serious. He needs to know it is serious. Your kids will be adults someday, your hubby is living proof that if the parents are okay with it, the children might have to live with the same disfunction.

This should not be decided on a forum. This should be discussed in your bishop's office tomorrow morning, or as soon as he can talk to you. This is like murder, in that what has been taken away from you cannot be given back. While there is forgiveness, you would be sinning to allow it to continue.

“But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” (Matt. 5:27–28.)

“Thou shalt not steal; neither commit adultery, nor kill, nor do anything like unto it” (D&C 59:6).

You will recall Alma’s teaching his son Corianton that unchastity is the most serious offense there is in the sight of God, except for murder or denying the Holy Ghost. (See Alma 39:5.) Marion G. Romney, “We Believe in Being Chaste,” Tambuli, Feb 1982

If we imagine ourselves involved in improper things, our thoughts may influence our heart’s inclination and perhaps even our future behavior. Dr. Maxwell Maltz underscores the connection between our thoughts and our body’s nervous system: “Experimental and clinical psychologists have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the human nervous system cannot tell the difference between an ‘actual’ experience and an experience imagined vividly and in detail.” Larry E. Dahl, “The Higher Law,” Liahona, Aug 1999,

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I will post now as an addict. My wife and I are separated for now. She is taking care of our 3 kids and staying at her mom's house. I've been on the LONELY road to recovery.

I've NEVER been with another woman while we've been married. However, SHE doesn't know that, nor does she feel that she can trust me. I'm doing my best and I hope to get a temple recommend in the next 1-2 months. :)

I also know that the day I cheat on her physically (in ANY manner) is the day she would file for a divorce. She wouldn't stand for it at ALL.

The hard part is the secrecy from the addict. I recently wrote this in a letter to my wife - maybe it'll help.

I know I’m also very hard on myself. I don’t let other people help me shoulder my burdens or thoughts. I’m very prideful in that way – and that’s not a good thing. Perhaps I doubt the capacity of others to understand me and actually be able to help me?

That’s probably the root of my problems and issues with trust – and yours too (with me). If I don’t think you can help me, why should I tell you? Right? This is what I’ve been telling myself for a long time. So, I keep things hidden and to myself. This could be work-related stress, or debt-stress, or “thinking about our future” stress. I don’t share it enough with you, and I don’t think I have valued your counsel and ideas in the past. I tell myself that: “I got into this mess, and somehow, I can get myself out of it. I don’t want my pretty, little wife to worry about these things. She’s too sweet to know that her husband is an idiot with the household finances, can’t balance his checking account, gets speeding tickets, can’t pay the rent on time… so why not add another secret to my life while I try to numb myself to the pain – like porn? It’s not like I can’t hide it, right? I can hide everything else about me, why not this one too – and at least feel like I can enjoy myself for a little bit of time?”

Wow. That’s a lot of rationalization. And of course, the key word in the word “rationalize” is “lies”.

This was the train of thought I was in. I don't think I ever saw my wife as truly my PARTNER.

Now I believe that my wife LOVED me enough to leave me. She saw my addiction as a crutch and a burden on me and the family. Now, there have been times where she is convinced that we need a divorce... (she herself is a product of a divorced family), but I'm a little too stubborn for that.

I can admit that I've been severely depressed for the last few months - and even the past couple of years. I'm still not back with her (yet). I see her and the kids whenever I can. I've been attending my meetings and even paying my tithing.

One thing for me, is that I'm not a "duplicitous" person. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I act as I'm feeling. I'm building up my faith again and it's GOOD! I'm praying more, and reading my scriptures more often than I have in years.

I also haven't been to the temple for nearly 10 years... because I know that I haven't been living worthily to enter. I still remember my covenants there... and one of the phrases is "sexual relations". Those are to be kept between a husband and wife who are legally and lawfully wedded to. "Relations" = everything.

The fact that he's covered up these things and doing all the "tasks of righteousness" (including temple attendance) and he feels that he can STILL be okay with other women because he didn't "do the deed"??? There are some SERIOUS issues that need to be addressed.

I don't envy you and your position. I suppose my post may not help you that much.

Get counselling - for yourself. Regardless of whether he wants to go or not. Don't try to push him or demand anything from him. Let him come to his own realizations. If he does it on his own, then HE can take credit for the ideas and the Lord for helping him to grow spiritually stronger. If you "nag" him, he'll feel like he's doing it to pacify you and it won't have the affect you are looking for.

Yes, you may want to leave him. Organize this with your Bishop. My ward did a great job in keeping me "in the dark" when they moved my family out. She was afraid that I'd get angry or go into a nervous breakdown. I didn't, but she was fearful.

I didn't return to church for about 9 months. I was angry at my prior Bishop for keeping me in the dark and I was afraid of the looks from other members when they would see ME and not the rest of the family. I have been welcomed very well and all I sense in my ward is love for me and my family. All are smiling at me and it's been a wonderful thing. It has been the Adversary who has been trying to keep me from returning to my full fellowship in the faith. He is real and it will be some time before your husband will realize it as well. It's taken me a long time to get this far... and I hope to continue with the Lord's help.

Whether to divorce him... is completely up to you. See what happens if/when you become separated and take it one day at a time.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I beieve something else is going on.Is he reaching out for help?Did he wittness dad doing the same thing?Is it a learned behavior? This is something your Bishop needs to be involved in. I am not trying to make excuses but from the outside looking in,something is not adding up. Do not take it as you did something wrong.These are his actions but they involve you as well. Good luck and please pary about this problem.

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I found out this morning that my husband is "cheating" on me. I consider it cheating, but he says it's not because it hasn't been "all the way". There is still nudity involved, and he's done it with 5 different women. My heart is broken, because we have 4 children all under the age of 10. The thing that is hardest for me, is that we've been doing all the "right" things. I thought we had a good marriage. This has really hit me out of left field. We go to church every week- all our meetings. We do FHE every week, read our scriptures every night as a family, family and couple prayer. We go to the temple monthly.

His father did the same thing to his mother. She stuck it out, staying with him through 25 years of marriage. In the end he ended up leaving her any way. Now she's 50+ and all alone.

Do I stick it out, hoping and praying that I don't end up alone in the end. Do I get out now, while I'm still young? Why is this happening to my family?

Sounds like he needs an addiction recovery class ....It might help repair the damage

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First of all, I am so very sorry! It probably feels like someone dropped a A-bomb into your life. I hope something I say will be helpful.

No one here can answer the question of divorce for you. That's between you and the Lord and that is as it should be. I'm not even sure bishop's know how to advise in these cases. Sometimes bishop's say all the wrong things. But see if the spirit speaks to you through him. More than anything, trust your inner voice. If you can get quiet, your inner voice can help guide your next steps.

In cases like this, I generally think that a separation might be a first good step. It helps you protect yourself physically and emotionally. It sends a strong message to your H that you won't allow him to treat you this way or to play justification games with you. And it also buys you time and space to work out the bigger decisions and consider all the ramifications. We make better decisions when we aren't distressed. Sometimes we need to heal a little before we can find that objectivity. I'll tell you this....if it were me, that boy wouldn't be sleeping in my house. And I'd be thinking seriously about making the separation official so me and my kids were protected financially.

And as far as your husband's behavior is concerned, he is full of it! My guess is this is only the tip of the iceberg. If I were you, I'd want to get real clear about his sexual history if you can drag the information out of him. Looks like sex addiction or at least reckless sexual behavior. Not healthy and certainly not becoming a temple recommend holder. And I think the advise to get tested for std's is really smart.

The MOST important thing right now is taking care of yourself properly. And that means setting the right boundaries and giving yourself protective space to fall apart if you need to or allow time for revelation and self care to help empower you.

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