"Cheating" husband, should I stay?

[Bini]

I'm much more hard nosed regarding this stuff. I stuck it out and put up with my ex-husband's cheating for almost six years. He committed adultery within the first three months of marriage and I was absolutely devastated but thought that regular prayer, counseling and meeting with the Bishop would be enough to salvage things. When my husband broke down in tears, I figured that was a true sign of remorse and that he'd never betray me again. Wrong. I later discovered through one of his friends (who fortunately for me is a lousy liar) that when they took road trips up north for BYU games, my husband was picking up girls and taking them back to their hotel. This had already been going on for a couple of years. Then, supposedly he did the whole repenting thing all over again.. But towards the end of our marriage, I was still seeing red flags everywhere of unfaithfulness, which he did confess to with a heavy heart but at that point I had already told him I was leaving him. All I can say is thank God we didn't have kids.

Anyway, my point is that nobody can determine when's a good time to wave fair well. You have to make that decision but you can use your common-sense and review the track record. How many times has he committed infidelity? Is he remorseful for doing so? Does he get annoyed when you tell him how much it hurts you and does he brush it off? My ex-husband just didn't care. It didn't hurt him to see me hurting. So after a lot of pain and tears, I decided that his history of playing around isn't really history, it's current and always will be because he chooses not to change. And, it was the BEST decision I ever made. I re-married and I couldn't be happier.

[Bini]

Oh and PS.

As everyone else has said, protect yourself because you never know who he has been with. My ex had three affairs with women I had met and numerous one-nightstands when he was traveling away from home. I got a STD & HIV test and that sucked but at least I knew. So yeh, reiteration, protect yourself and get checked. Just because he says he hasn't slept with any of them, doesn't mean he hasn't. My two cents.

[Melissa569]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I'll quote something from one of my favorite "Savage Garden" songs called "Affirmation":

"I believe that trust is more important than monogamy."

Even if he does bite his knuckle and try to behave, can you live in fear of him doing it again for the rest of your life? Its like any other addiction-- people think that once an addict starts behaving better, that everything is fine. But that's not true. An addict will have to fight their urges until the day they die, and msot of them fall back again, from time to time. This is always going to be a struggle for him. You can pray all you want, some people just have higher hormone levels. I knwo that sounds like I'm making excuses for people who cheat, but I'm not. This is very real. Its just a question of making sure you don't pick someone with this problem, if tis somethign that bothers you.

There are cases where its all just in the head, yes. But there are also cases where iit is an actual, medical problem. In that case, its something god is going to have to consider when judging a person. But in the mean time, you have to decide what kind of man you want.

In the medical case of higher hormone levels-- its not a spiritual thing, or a psychological thing. They can actually SEE physical proof of this in tests. Any doctor will tell you that different people have different levels of testosterone and estrogen in their bodies, and it has a VERY profound effect on their sexual drive. Medically, he "could" have sexual urges that are too broad for only one woman to cater to. You may never have all of him. If that's the case, it may be beyond the help that church activity can offer.

Its kind of like how if you're having heart problems, you can pray and go to church, and it may help (some)... But that's not going to take care of the problem all by itself. You still have to change your diet, and go see a doctor.

Of course, the problems are not your fault, and I don't know the details of your personal life... But with a high hormone problem in a husband, there are only 2 things you can do: Be just as into sex as he is, and try all the things he likes to try, as often as he wants to try them even if they make you uncomfortable (because whatever you won't do, another woman will). But if you're really not that into it, that can be horribly unpleasant--- or you can see if there is a way you can get medical help.

The problem is, I don't know if they have medical treatments to "lessen" a man's sexual drive, lol. Usually, that is something men are greatful to have, and any medical complaints are on the other side of the fence.

Its good to be a virgin when you get married. But it does have its drawbacks too... When people are very strict about not only premarital sex with a partner, but also "self exploration" and such-- sure you can discuss sexual expectations with your fiance beforehand. But its extremely difficult to tell how often or how much you are going to expect sex. Especially with the things you discover after a few years of marriage. I mean everybody kind of wants it a lot as a newly wed. But you really find out what your nature is after you've been in a relationship for a while. Because of the differences in our needs, and our anatomy, men often discover that "the real thing" is more addictive than they expected. While women often discover that its NOT as wonderful as they expected.

I understand that the (LDS) gospel discourages self exploration... But oh, all the related marital problems are something I would just LOOOVVEEE to discuss with God, lol.

If you are just kind of average about sexual drive, and you're not really interested in doing 3 times the work in that area every day, then you might be a lot happier with a man who is closer to your level. But if you do decide to leave, make sure you thuroughly investigate this with any man who comes into your life in the future. Its not something you want to go through again...

Edited October 3, 2010 by Melissa569

[pam]

"I believe that trust is more important than monogamy."

I totally disagree with this statement. Without monogamy there can be no trust.

[baver3]

I always thought that the woman should just LEAVE if her husband cheated....UNTIL my own husband cheated on me. He didnt think it was 'cheating' either (whatever) but thats just rationalizing terrible behavior.

My husband cheated on me and in an instant you get desperate to save your family and I tried desperately to protect my children.

Now we are divorced and I will tell you what happened. Basically I say that my decision to leave him hinges on two (of the MANY MANY MANY) mistakes that he made.

1. He was NOT willing to work it out and stay with me. I asked him the first night that I found out if he was willing to give up this relationship with this other woman. His answer, "No." -goodbye. Im not in a polygamist marriage. My man is my territory and Im not 'sharing' him. He doesnt get to have his cake and eat it too.

2. After working on things in those tender few days after I found out, He told me that I was "trying too hard". I dont think you can ever TRY TOO HARD to keep your family together or to make it work. It became painfully obvious that staying together with him was not what he wanted and he couldnt appreciate my efforts to stay with him when HE was the one that screwed up.

Above all the biggest and most important thing you can do in deciding is TAKE IT TO THE LORD and wait for an answer. That answer with give you the most strength you will ever need in doing whats right. If He says 'GO' then when you really do go you will never look back because you will be able to trust in the Lord that what you are doing is the right thing. If he says, "Stay" then you will be able to put everything you have in your marriage and waiver. Prayer, in my opinion, is the advice you need.

Your kids dont need to know anything right now and what they will know will be obvious cues that they probably have already picked up. My kids are 2,4, and 3 months. The four year old knows a lot and thats mostly because he is perceptive. I ask him a lot of questions in relation to what he understands and I was amazed at the beginning how much he knew.

[Guest mkevesdy]

If he has a desire to receive counseling from a professional therapist and repent thoroughly by admitting his ways to his bishop then maybe it is possible. It will require a tremendous amount of faith, courage, and dedication on your part.

[Tarnished]

Of course, the problems are not your fault, and I don't know the details of your personal life... But with a high hormone problem in a husband, there are only 2 things you can do: Be just as into sex as he is, and try all the things he likes to try, as often as he wants to try them even if they make you uncomfortable (because whatever you won't do, another woman will). But if you're really not that into it, that can be horribly unpleasant--- or you can see if there is a way you can get medical help.

The problem is, I don't know if they have medical treatments to "lessen" a man's sexual drive, lol. Usually, that is something men are greatful to have, and any medical complaints are on the other side of the fence.

I don't really agree with this. Doesn't matter how high a man's hormones are he still has the option to choose what he is going to do with it. A person's hormones don't run their life. Trying things you don't feel comfortable with does not a happy marriage make. Especially if it is just to please your husband. When it comes to sex in marriage I think there should be a lot of discussion about what each person wants to and doesn't want to do. And whatever is decided should be respected, no matter the hormone levels. And yes, they do have medical treatments for high sex drive. There are medications out there that will lessen a man's sex drive, just like there are medications out there that will heighten it. Or you could always nuke the problem area and sterility will take care of any unwanted issues (sarcasm in case no one caught it).

[Tarnished]

As for the OP, I have been watching this thread and not really participating, mostly because of my own experiences. From what happened in my marriage and from the side of the cheater, I would say, if he is willing to work on fixing himself then I would advise trying to save the marriage. If he is not willing to change and repent, then I don't think you should stay in a marriage like that.

[FunkyTown]

I think we're making some snap decisions here based upon what we've heard.

What does 'Not going all the way' entail? From what you described, it could be anything from naked making out in the back seat of a car to going to an exotic dance club and getting a lap dance.

Both require different things. The first is an active attempt at cheating and it's just as bad as cheating. I would recommend dealing with it like cheating.

The second is a bit trickier. He's putting his carnal desires ahead of you and it's clearly a jerky thing to do, but the first thing I would want to do is find out why he's doing it. If he's a New York stock broker and was taking a client to lunch there, then he really needs to reprioritize his life and put God and family above financial success.

I'm just confused by what he says 'Isn't cheating'. How could he possibly think that? We need more specific information. Saying 'Divorce him' when we only have vague speculation is, I think, premature.

[reader6213]

It's been four months since I found out my husbands secret life. I gathered lots of advice from you all, and am so appreciative of it. I took my decision to the Lord, and I know I need to work things out with my husband. Luckily, he's very repentant and is working so very hard on recovery. (We are in an amazing program for sex addicts and their spouses. It has helped a lot) The problem is, I have never felt more alone in my life. All the other ladies in my group are only dealing with pornography addicted husbands. They keep saying things like, "I think my husband wants this kind of woman, because that's what he looks at". Well, I KNOW my husband wants a different kind of woman, because he went out and paid for them. (I'm sorry if this is TMI, but I nursed four babies, and I'm not built like I used to be.) I take really good care of myself, I'm fit and stylish, but that's something I just can't fix ~ without a lot of money. I feel SOOOO down on myself about it, and I feel like I'm spiraling down into a dark place. I'm obsessing about it, thinking that when we're together he must be so disappointed. It just hurts so much! When you get married, as virgins, you have nothing to compare each other to. Now I feel like every time he's probably comparing me to the prostitutes with the big fake boobs. I can't talk to my friends about this... can anyone help?

[FunkyTown]

Reader,

I think you probably need to talk to your husband about this. I'm willing to bet that when he talks to you, he tells you you're beautiful, but because of his actions you think he's simply trying to 'Be nice'.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I used to live in a big city called Vancouver. There was a real prostitution problem there. You could see them everywhere.

The prostitutes? Not that attractive. Physically, they probably weren't the perfect physical specimens you expect. These were not from the set of 'Pretty Woman'. These were people, often with drug problems that made them way too skinny, often looking middle-aged or older or strung out.

I think you might feel better if you read up on why some people visit prostitutes. It has nothing to do with whether you're attractive.

This is all him.

[Gwen]

as you've been though your sessions have you come to a basis for why he did what he did? was it emotional? was it purely physical? unfortunately you can't change his view of you. have you asked him what he thinks of your body or just fearing the worst?

i don't know where yall are in counseling or how helpful this might be but i have 2 thoughts off the top of my head.

one, you should talk to him about how you feel, if he thinks you are beautiful then come up with things he could say or do that will help remind you and help you feel more secure in that. if he's truly repentant i would imagine he'd jump at the chance to help you feel better about yourself, especially knowing he's the biggest reason you doubt to begin with. be creative in what you ask from him, don't stop with "i want you to say i'm pretty". ask him to describe what he loves about you in detail, your eyes, the way your hair smells, anything. things that say i'm looking at, studying, and enjoying you.

the second is you need to work on how you view yourself. women have a lot to learn from men in that regard. men think they are hot, all the time, no matter what. they take great pride in their scars. each one has a war story with it and they love to tell them. as women we have a right to be proud of that too. i've had 5 children, i have scars, in the form of stretch marks, from that. i earned those battle scars, i have 5 amazing stories on how i obtained them. and quite frankly i think at the final judgment god will care more about those scars than one gained in the glory days of high school football. nursing babies also leaves a lasting impact on your body. don't go into that dark place, love your body. i'm as guilty as any woman of hating my body so i don't know how to help you more than that. i know it's easier said than done.

hang in there and god bless

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think you should consider sharing how you feel with your husband. Let him know the impact this is having on you and let him know that you need reassurance. I was in the doghouse with my wife for a while (not over sexual unfaithfulness, but not paying enough attention to her due to some work demands), and she threatened to leave. During that period, I had to restore love, so I was very attentive to her needs, and when she mentioned something, I acted on it.

Hopefully your husband feels the same motivation as you say he's repentent -- and will care deeply about what you're saying. At least by sharing what you think, you can give him the information he needs to help you deal with this and feel positive about yourself in your marriage.

[slamjet]

I would dare say to not try to analyze addictive behavior with any sense of logic such as "he want's this type of woman because that's who he cheated on me with." Sex addicts are a complex, manipulative beast with so many things that contributed to their warped decision making. Also, don't expect this to be a short term therapy thing. The answer is very complicated to a very simple question: Why did he do it?

In my experience, and quite frankly I'm pretty much the norm, when it comes to SA, it will take years of therapy and counseling for him to figure out why he chose the way he did. It took me about two years to figure out why I did what I did, longer to forgive others in my past, and about six years to come to come to some semblance of forgiveness of myself. The road is hard and a huge emotional mine field. He will need you to touch him, and at the same time, leave him alone. He needs you to not mother him, but to listen and accept that there will be many things he will not tell you (nor is it wise for him to do so). You both will need to understand that the trust you had in him will never be the same. You both will need to learn that boundaries will have to be reset; he will need to finally learn to have them. He will need to learn to talk about his feelings. You will need to learn to let him. You will have to bear with him as he goes through the traumatic times of his life. You will find most of this will be the same for yourself. It will be an excruciating road. But I can tell you that, without a doubt, it is so worth it.

I can tell you unequivocally that when I look back, I see a dark, dark cavern that I feel I walked out of. In my minds eye, it's a dark hole that I've left behind. I'm much more comfortable with myself. I learned to live inside my skin. There is so much of me that needs help but I'm finally starting to feel like a normal person, not a monster. He's going to go through most of what I've said himself. I suggest you hold on because it's going to be a bumpy ride.

But he is extremely lucky that he has a wife who is going to give him a chance. That, for now, you will stick with him. Who knows if you will still be there with him a few years down the line. But for now, you're there, and he's darn lucky to have you.

[ctr123]

There is a group called surving infildelity that can be very helpful for you.

[twort]

Reader, please listen to me! Leave him. Even if it is only temporary, he needs to feel earthly consequences for his actions... he paid for 5 women? Chances are he's lying to you about what he did (no sex) and he'll do it again.

Please please please... pray about this, think about this... please tell him you want to seperate and act on it!

I cheated on my wife, and I've done A LOT of research on the subject. I also have some real world experience... The woman I cheated with is also married and her husband found out about us by reading an email I sent her. She told him everything, he cried, she told him she'd break it off with me and things went back to relative normality... and she came back to me. She had no consequences other than an awkward home life for a while and a few new rules. Please please please, pray about this again. Don't let your fear of being alone or your love for your husband block your view of the long road ahead.

This is just my opinion, but I have done A LOT of research on the subject trying to figure my own feelings and try to learn why I acted the way I did. I hate cheaters, and here I am... a cheater. You sound like a competant, beautiful woman... you deserve better than the likes of him or of people like me. Please consider my advice for your own sake and for your kids sake.

Please contact me if you need advice or have any questions. Otherwise, Godspeed dear sister!!!

twort

[Lisa74]

Some people cheat because they aren’t getting their needs met inside their relationships. They are under the deluded notion that going outside their relationships is a right answer,

which is not.

In some cases, people cheat because they have never learned to honor boundaries.Talk

to him if he still wants to stay in your marriage. Ask marriage advice to your parents or

home church. Spiritual advices is a big help.

Don't keep it to yourself. You need advices.

Edited February 8, 2011 by Lisa74