The Angry Marriage; Overcoming the Rage, Reclaiming the Love by Bonnie Maslin, PhD


Dr T
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The other book I read was The Angry Marriage; Overcoming the Rage, Reclaiming the Love by Bonnie Maslin, PhD. That book was also just under 300 pages. While this book was not the greatest treatise on this issue, there were a number of good things and I thought she did a fine job with the concept of anger in marriage. Moreover, while she didn’t say it in these words, she did show the reader that anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is used to cover something else like feeling disrespected, hurt, embarrassed, etc. She also covered that there are biological, psychological and social aspects to anger. Dr. Maslin went through some of her cases and lumped them into six categories. I appreciated how she often pointed out that her examples do not in and of themselves prove that person has an anger problem. I got the impression that she works from a psychoanalytic or psychodynamic approach in her training. She shows how people can trace back their anger and utilize insight for working toward changing their behaviors. Overall, I think I would rate this book at a 3 out of 5 stars. It can be used as a good start with this issue.
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That's a good question Zippy_Do. When I read read I focus on one at a time. When I just read I have books all over the place throughout the house. My next books that I plan to read include another Phil Jackson book called The Last Season, The invisible man by H.G. Wells, and Flags of our fathers but I don't remember who wrote that one. Last night I started Hondo by Louis L'Amour and I LOVE it so far. I've also been reading The Screwtape Letters and See yourself as God sees you (actively depending on where I'm sitting). I tend to read like crazy. When I first started coming here me reading significantly reduced. I have not been on this site like I used to be so I have much more time to read.

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Anger is a secondary emotion. But so are hurt, embarassment, etc. These all are based upon fear - a primary emotion. When people fear that their lives are going out of control, that they are no longer safe or in their "safe place", or fear of betrayal, etc., then other emotions build upon it.

It is only by releasing the fear and embracing faith, hope and love that we can overcome such negative emotions.

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Hello Rammy,

Sorry I haven't responded to your last post. I don't know what you're saying really about fear being a secondary emotion that would be like saying Fear comes up to cover up for other emotions. Will you please speak more that this idea. Thank you

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I believe there are two fundamental emotions: fear and love. They are opposites. All other emotions are based upon one of these two.

Fear causes a whole list of negative emotions: anger, paralyzing sadness, jealousy, etc.

Love: joy, happiness, faith, hope, and healthy sadness.

We spend so much time on symptoms, such as jealousy, anger or other negative emotions, that we do not get to the root cause. Why do people use drugs/alcohol/sex/video games/gambling? Because of fear has them seek a quick emotional rescue. Pleasure is also based on fear. We fear being lonely, poor, or feeling empty, and so we delve into things that give us temporary pleasure as an escape. Fearful people often seek intense emotional events in order to mask their deepest feelings of fear. Addictions occur because of fear. Fear is based on chaos, which I've written about on my blog.

Love, OTOH, leads to healthy actions and methods. Love leads to long term healthy relationships, growth, and development. It creates self-esteem. It develops faith in God that is firm and immutable. Love establishes order out of chaos, as I've also written about on my blog.

Yoda was correct about young Anakin. It was the fear within him that turned him evil. Anger was based upon that fear, and he sought power and control in order to protect himself from the fears raging within himself. Only Luke's true love could save his father from his fears.

Joel's Monastery: Gospel Scholarship: Order out of Chaos

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I agree with apathy would be the opposite of love.

I can see the other in work though. When I felt "out of control of my situation" I did feel fear. I did not want to go back to what I was before. I then became angry. The sad is that this anger just kept me from the Holy Ghost, the comforter. I did this to myself. It happen to me when I did not do my part in the gospel. There is a reason we need to pray even in a house of anger. There is a reason we need to read our scriptures. There is a reason we need to attend our meeting and do our callings. If we are doing what we are suppose to then the control is there. The comfort is there. The guidance is there.

Edited by zippy_do46
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I think apathy is just one way in which people try to control fear. If they do not feel anything, then they won't feel fear. Of course, it also negates feeling love, as well.

So, fear is still the basic emotion that opposes love. Just like anger, pride, hatred, jealousy, and a myriad other negative emotions can be shown to oppose love, they are all based on fear.

This is the primal emotion Satan uses. In the premortal existence, when we had to choose between God's plan of agency or Lucifer's plan of salvation for all; many chose Satan's plan because it played on their fears. The fear of suffering in earth life, of death, of pain, of possibly not returning to heaven, all are foundational to people falling away from God. Lucifer plays upon our fears. Yes, he doesn't mind if we become apathetic, because that inures us from feeling love and faith in Christ. But it is based on fear.

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