Insanely Frustrated


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I’ve mentioned before how my husband is a gambler… Well last night he ran down to the casino and blew all our rent money. Now we’re in a heap of trouble. This has been going on for years, and its getting worse and worse. He’s gambled the rent money away almost every payday for the past few months, and he usually finds someone to bail him out… But its clear that now he’s running out of friends who can (or will) do that.

Well, I tried all the classical things:

* Arranging support/therapy meetings (he won’t go)

* Threatening to leave (he acts like he would just have more freedom to gamble if I did)

* Trying to control his finances (he just cashes his checks at work and lies about when/how he gets money, when/how he spends it, and won’t let me handle it)

So tonight, I went in search of some “other” ways (online) to get control of the situation, but I ended up feeling even MORE frustrated! I mostly went to support sites for spouses and family members of gamblers. All the websites say the same thing:

* You can’t force a gambler to go to meetings. If you try, they will just resent the meetings instead of seeing them as a helpful outlet, and it does more harm than good.

* A gambler must hit rock bottom first, or they will never see a reason to stop.

* Don’t try to control the gambler’s finances, they will just hide their money, lie, and be more secretive about it. (true, lol)

* Don’t try to control their behavior (hiding car key’s, hiding their wallet). They will just borrow money and find another ride. They will also see your control attempts as a reason to gamble even more, out of “nagging stress” caused by you. It really just enables them to blame you for everything.

* Leaving a gambler (or threatening to) doesn’t work, because many of them would actually prefer you to leave, so they can have more freedom to gamble without being nagged. (hmmmm)

Ugh! As I said I got so angry. They are basically just telling you to sit back and let the gambler destroy themselves (and you too, if you are committed to half of the finances like a car or a home/lease-- and what if you have kids?). I tell you, I’ve never hated him more, or wanted to punch him so much in all the 6 years we’ve been together. I know that sounds mean, but it just makes you feel so powerless and MAD.

I soooooooo married the wrong guy. If I could go back to visit the naive virgin I used to be, I'd bump her upside the head and say "Hey! Just because a guy shows interest in you, doesn't mean he's the right one! Keep looking!" lol.

Anyone else dealing with loved ones who have an addiction (of any kind)?

Edited by Melissa569
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Anyone else dealing with loved ones who have an addiction (of any kind)?

Have you not been reading the numerous threads on this site that deal with loved ones and addictions?

Edited by pam
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i doubt i'm saying anything new but you can't control him. you also can't let him ruin your life. since you can't control his finances then make sure yours are separate. don't allow the two of you to have any joint accounts. don't let him have access to credit cards with your name on them (when he defaults on payment they can come after you). set yourself up that when he crashes you are in full control of your life. car, rent, etc.

if he really does want to change it, if he sees it as a problem and is sorry after the fact then i would do all i could to protect myself and then offer him as much help as possible. is there any way to have his check automatically deposited into an account (separate from where your money goes)? you can set up a bank account to be check only (no debit cards) and require 2 signatures for everything. you need to keep in mind though that it causes you to become more his mother than wife.... so even if you do help him overcome the gambling it may be the end of the relationship.

if you can get the auto draft into an account but not the 2 signatures see if you can set up that as soon as the pay check goes into his account the rent and food (whatever bills he's supposed to be helping with) get auto drafted from his account to yours. then you have that covered before he blows all his money.

if he shows no remorse and really doesn't see the problem and doesn't care about the gambling, his future or yours.... if you regret the marriage as much as you imply with your comment about talking to yourself before you met him.... talk to a lawyer and start planning your way out. you don't have to do a big dramatic walk off to leave. you can plan it financially, make sure all the bases are covered and what the best route is to cause the least pain possible and give you the best chances at a new life.

when it comes to marriage i believe there are a lot of things you accept with the person, if the ship goes down you go down with it. this kind of outright addiction isn't one of them. when someone has an addiction that strong you don't really know them, you know the addiction. you have no obligation to be married to an addiction.

i know there is no way this can be easy for you or a simple decision. in the end you have to make that decision with a lot of thought and prayer. good luck and god bless.

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i doubt i'm saying anything new but you can't control him. you also can't let him ruin your life. since you can't control his finances then make sure yours are separate. don't allow the two of you to have any joint accounts. don't let him have access to credit cards with your name on them (when he defaults on payment they can come after you). set yourself up that when he crashes you are in full control of your life. car, rent, etc.

if he really does want to change it, if he sees it as a problem and is sorry after the fact then i would do all i could to protect myself and then offer him as much help as possible. is there any way to have his check automatically deposited into an account (separate from where your money goes)? you can set up a bank account to be check only (no debit cards) and require 2 signatures for everything. you need to keep in mind though that it causes you to become more his mother than wife.... so even if you do help him overcome the gambling it may be the end of the relationship.

if you can get the auto draft into an account but not the 2 signatures see if you can set up that as soon as the pay check goes into his account the rent and food (whatever bills he's supposed to be helping with) get auto drafted from his account to yours. then you have that covered before he blows all his money.

if he shows no remorse and really doesn't see the problem and doesn't care about the gambling, his future or yours.... if you regret the marriage as much as you imply with your comment about talking to yourself before you met him.... talk to a lawyer and start planning your way out. you don't have to do a big dramatic walk off to leave. you can plan it financially, make sure all the bases are covered and what the best route is to cause the least pain possible and give you the best chances at a new life.

when it comes to marriage i believe there are a lot of things you accept with the person, if the ship goes down you go down with it. this kind of outright addiction isn't one of them. when someone has an addiction that strong you don't really know them, you know the addiction. you have no obligation to be married to an addiction.

i know there is no way this can be easy for you or a simple decision. in the end you have to make that decision with a lot of thought and prayer. good luck and god bless.

Pretty good suggestions :) Or at the very least, see if I can get the paycheck mailed to the house instead, because I'm the only one who has a mail key (he likes to cash them at work and just not even come home the day he gets paid- takes a cab right to the casino...).

Yeah, it does kind of feel like being a mother instead of a wife, lol. That's why I've never had much desire to have kids, because I feel like I'm constantly busy raising and keeping close watch over a big 200 lb one, who's going to remain a rebellious 14-year-old in his mind forever :). But not just any rebellious teen-- the kind you have to hide your purse and valuables from, lol.

I did start my own little business from home, I'd like to keep working on that, until it earns enough for me to survive on all by myself. I don't have any joint accounts with him because of this, mine is totally separate, and I keep my debot card in my bra (he's not allowed to use it, or to know my pin number).

The lease is in my name, so I'll just pray to god we can manage to get the rent paid until its up (another 6 months, I think). Hopefully by then I can stay with my mom (she wants me to), and contribute money I earn from my business, so I'm not an extra living expense :)

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i don't know how long you have to be married to receive alimony. but if you are planning your exit keep a record of his addiction, the not coming home on payday etc. you can use that to get the alimony pulled from his check before he gets it. the reality is even if there is a order out there if you rely on him to send it you will never see it. if the employer is court ordered to debit it before he sees it that would be best given his addiction. just one more thing to stress your mind about. why i suggest you talk to a lawyer (many will do an inexpensive consult) to plan your exit, there are legal things you know nothing of that would be very easy to plan for now but could hurt you later.

unfortunately if you are hiding your cards and such having to protect yourself you may as well do it right.

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If it is this bad, I would talk to the landlord and find out how much it would cost to break the lease. Sometimes, it is just a matter of paying the rent until new tenants move in. If you live in a decent place, that might only take a month or so. There is no way he can keep finding people to bail him out for another 6 months. You need to get out now before you have an eviction on your credit.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I live with an addict but not such an expensive one so at least I can pay my bills. I think the hardest part is knowing that they love something more than they love us. :(

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* Threatening to leave (he acts like he would just have more freedom to gamble if I did)

Maybe it's time you stop threatening and do it.

Or at the very least, ask yourself why you continue to remain married to a man that is selfish and unwilling to change his destructive behaviour, regardless of how much it hurts you and destroys the marriage? It's true. You can't change other people. But YOU can make changes by deciding that you want a better quality of life and not sticking around in a down spiraling relationship that repeats its vicious and toxic cycle. There's a point when enough is enough.

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I know you did not ask for advice but my first impression after reading your post what I would do.

I would separate.

Try to move out so that you can have separate finances and yourself from him. This person will most certainly RUIN you. Im not saying run out and divorce him I just think you cant make rational decisions with this situation so close to you. He knows how you feel about it and he wont do anything to resolve it. He is hurting you on purpose.

After you have some clarity and you move out then you can make a better, more rational and clear decision about what to do whether that be to stay with him or leave him. He could most certainly benefit from a dose of reality himself.

The best part is that when he runs himself into the ground (which you know is bound to happen ANYWAYS) you will financially be away from him and the only person he will take down will be himself ALONE. Draw on help from EVERY SINGLE PERSON you know. You need to take some action before this worsens.

I so hope he can shape up. Gambling is such a stupid thing to give your family up for.

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I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I live with an addict but not such an expensive one so at least I can pay my bills. I think the hardest part is knowing that they love something more than they love us. :(

Sometimes they love the addiction more than they love themselves.

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Maybe it's time you stop threatening and do it.

Tale of two relatives. In the one case, the wife put her foot down and said, "Leave the bottle or leave us." He left the bottle and lived to a pleasant age of 87, surrounded by loving family. The other wife fumed, fussed, festered, but did not issue an ultimatum. By the time she might have thought to do so, she instead just left. The alcoholic ex-husband continued his boozing ways, and died, mostly felt sorry for, at 68.

I would never advise, sight unseen, and sans my own counseling, divorce. On the other hand, it may be worth considering that an ultimatum (sincerely given, with intent to act upon) could save a life.

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Sad to hear someone like you is having such a problem but if you decide to seperate do it in an attempt to help but hold back telling him what you are doing is a wake up call.If your going to do it I'd do it before you absolutely can't stand him so that you can rebuild or have the hope of it if he does wake up.I find it hard giving this type of suggestion.There was once a girl who was in a relationship with a friend of mine.She asked me how she could get through to him.I thought she would listen to what I said and she did but she disregarded part of what I said.She ended up enjoying the control over him and she drove him to insanity with it.Milked him for everything she could and just spit him out after he submitted.My friend one time before this asked me laughing what woman messed you up.I feel a little guilty introducing him to the type through the advice I gave her.I watched a part of my friend die.What ever you do do it with love.

Edited by Therauh
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I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Melissa, it is not okay. For whatever reason, he is being unfaithful to you..

There is a lot of this going on in the area I live in. I worked at a bank branch that was across the street from a casino. There would be people walking along the side of the road picking up change, and then come in the bank and change it in. There would be bits of grass in it.

I told one man, "Don't go back over there."

He responded with, "I have to, they have all my money." (I've heard that a lot)

I said, "It's not yours anymore, besides, they don't give it back. That's why the building is so big."

He went right back over there and lost the grass money.

Someone came up to me one day in our parking lot. "I ran out of gas just down the road, do you have a few bucks?" I gave him a 5, he walked right across the street to the casino.

I don't get it, I really don't. It seems to me that if tobacco companies can get in trouble for selling an addicting product, why don't casinos have to face the music for addicting people to their product?

There are a lot of addiction counselors around here now. Those things you listed are true, but didn't they tell you anything that you can do? I've seen some people successfully budget a certain amount for gambling each month. They consider it and entertainment expense. Or maybe organize an intervention.

Maybe your bishop can help. Otherwise, pray and fast for your hubby, he has a disease, he is afflicted and you can put his name on the temple prayer roll.

My dad (step) was an alcoholic, and if it helps any, my mom gave him an ultimatum. He came home to a completely empty house. We had moved about 500 miles away. He quit cold turkey, and moved out there with us. Looking back, I think it was good that we moved because his friends would help him drink. I don't know if that would help in your situation or not. My dad did not have a safety net, so it worked, probably did save his life.

:bearhug: A great big bearhug for you. Sorry, all I can do is mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort...no real advice here I guess.

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If he won't get help, then he's in the position of dragging you down into huge financial problems for the rest of your life. It is time to tell him to get help, or divorce. This is just as much a form of abuse as if he were hitting you. Before he puts you in such financial struggle that you cannot dig out of it, divorce him. He will then be responsible for his own debts, and you won't have to worry about him dragging you through that muck with him.

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I don't get it, I really don't. It seems to me that if tobacco companies can get in trouble for selling an addicting product, why don't casinos have to face the music for addicting people to their product?

Oh people knew very, very well that gambling would spell disaster to society. That's why it was illegal in ever state for a long time, and only found separated niche havens in Atlantic City and Las Vegas. The state and local governments knew that gambling was a very bad thing, and purposely maintained it as illegal. So they avoided legalization for the longest time.

Nowadays, the wonderful state and federal government that we have is more opportunistic than moral. Most states have a lottery and are opening up legalized gambling across the state. Why are they doing it? Because they know it will bring in a lot of money for the government. Many churches used the addictive quality of gambling to bring in revenue via Bingo nights and such. Once again, opportunism takes precedence over morality.

Most casino ads I hear on the radio throw some gambling addiction resource in at the end of their advertisement. Maybe that's Illinois state law or something, I'm not sure. But ultimately gambling has been unleashes upon us by irresponsible government entities. Those foolish enough to become ensnared will simply destroy themselves, ruin their family's lives and may end up turning to crime in order to support their addiction. It would have been simpler if the government hadn't abandoned what is right for what is lucrative.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I soooooooo married the wrong guy. If I could go back to visit the naive virgin I used to be, I'd bump her upside the head and say "Hey! Just because a guy shows interest in you, doesn't mean he's the right one! Keep looking!" lol.

Anyone else dealing with loved ones who have an addiction (of any kind)?

Sigh, I am sorry. I know that feeling. I (fortunately or unfortunatly, depending on whose perspective), have not married my wrong guy. I HAVE had a child with him. I am so grateful for my daughter, but I know that her dad is all wrong for me. How do you leave a relationship with a child in the middle?

If you want out, I can promise you that having a marriage that did not work out will NOT ruin you. You are still respectable, you are still able to find a HEALTHY relationship with someone. If it were not for his addiction, would he still be the wrong guy for you? I completely understand the vicious cycle that his gambling puts you though. It isn't just the gambling, it's the lack of respect he shows for you, the lack of consideration, the fact that he finds it WORTH upsetting you.

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I soooooooo married the wrong guy. If I could go back to visit the naive virgin I used to be, I'd bump her upside the head and say "Hey! Just because a guy shows interest in you, doesn't mean he's the right one! Keep looking!" lol.

I don't think I've ever said this to anyone before, but I really think it's time for you to get out.

In every post I can remember reading by you, in which you discuss your marriage, you sound incredibly unhappy. You've made statements similar to the above countless times. You sound depressed, but you don't realize that you can take control of it!

Before I was married, I decided that a gambling addiction would be a dealbreaker for me. I would not marry someone with that problem. I knew that I deserved and could achieve better. You still can.

Divorce is rarely a good thing, but in your case, (1) you have no children with your husband (and at this point have no intention of having any); and (2) you're not sealed to him, so you're not breaking (or abandoning) eternal covenants.

Edited by Wingnut
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Before I was married, there were two things that I decided that a gambling addiction would be a dealbreaker for me. I would not marry someone with that problem. I knew that I deserved and could achieve better. You still can.

So you married someone with a stats addiction. What could be worse? :P

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