Asperger's and dating

[Indyrm03]

Hello! My name is Amber and I am 30 years old. My boyfriend, Ted (age 29) has

Asperger's Syndrome. We both attend the same YSA ward and we have attended the same stake for over 20 years. I am looking for advice on how to understand Ted better and how to have a successful relationship. I asked for help on an LDS Asperger's site and they basically all said that it would be a mistake to get into a relationship with someone who has Aspergers. I hope I can get better advice here because I LOVE Ted and I KNOW that I am suppose to marry him.

We first began dating in August of 2008 when our Singles Ward held a girl ask

guy dance. I had the strong impression that I needed to ask Ted to the dance. I

followed the impression and asked and he agreed. We had an AMAZING time at the

dance and agreed to go out some more. We dated for 3 months before he broke up

with me.

I have to agree that I pushed WAYYYY to hard and fast for him in those 3 months.

I grabbed and held his hand an kept telling him that I loved him. When I did

those things Ted would become stiff and distant but I continued to push him.

When he broke up with me I realized that I had forgot all about his different

needs and how he had to have a different pace then normal relationships.

Ted basically ignored me for the next 13 long months. All that time I continued

to have strong impressions that I was suppose to marry him. I had missed not

being around him and not going out anymore. In December of 2009, Ted began to

make tiny steps to come back to me. He began sitting next to me in church and

talking to me again. Although he still hasn't held my hand or kissed me yet, I

think our relationship is going good.

I understand that Ted needs a relationship to go at a much different pace then

normal relationships. I am willing to wait for him to make all of the moves and

set the pace but I don't know if I should make any moves too. Like I said, we have been back together since Christmas but our relationship hasn't progressed to normal standards.

Ted's Asperger's doesn't seem to effect him as much as other people who have Asperger's. Most people who have Asperger's are negetive and anti-social. Ted is always possitive, friendly, happy and always has a smile. Ted is really smart as he makes a living as an Accountant. He is devoted to the gospel and serves faithfully as the ward clerk. He does have a few social difficulties such as not making eye contact with people when he talks and he has a hard time starting conversations. If a person starts the conversation then he becomes a chatter-box.

Can anyone give me ideas on what I can do to help and understand Ted? Can I make

the move to hold his hand? Can I make the move to share a hymnbook at church

with him? Can I ask him out since he has asked me out already? Or do you think I

should wait for him to do all of those things so I don't scare him off? I don't

want to ruin our relationship like I did the first time but I also want to make

sure our relationship doesn't stall. Any and all help would be much

appreciated!!! Thanks!!!

ALSO, Are there any books or websites that I can look at that helps me with

dating someone with Asperger's Syndrome? I found a few books on Borders.com

about being in a relationship with someone with Aspergers, but it would be nice

to have books that give an LDS perspective.

[Mahone]

I asked for help on an LDS Asperger's site and they basically all said that it would be a mistake to get into a relationship with someone who has Aspergers.

LOL! Can you give me the link to this website? I would like to know their reasoning behind this.

Aspergers can affect different people in different ways, but personally, I think you should ask him out again, just do it casually via text message or e-mail. This gives him chance to think over his response, and he doesn't feel pushed to respond immediately like in a face to face conversation.

[Tarnished]

Aspergers is a type of Autism. I would have to say that the best thing I have found to help me understand Autistic people has been the movie Temple Grandin. You can find it at Redbox or at your local store. The movie is about a woman named Temple Grandin who is autistic, it follows her life and how she sees the world. It follows her through high school, and college and finally to where she earns her Doctorite and finds her own place in the world. As I have a niece who is autistic (I think she also has Aspergers) it helped me to understand her better and understand some of the difficulties that autistic people go through. For some autistic people the sensation of being touched is painful. For some, hugs are painful or are too much stimulus. People with autism often process their observations of the world differently than people who do not have autism. Watch the movie, I think it will be helpful for you.

[NeuroTypical]

I LOVE Ted and I KNOW that I am suppose to marry him.

I had the strong impression that I needed to ask Ted to the dance.

We dated for 3 months before he broke upwith me.

I have to agree that I pushed WAYYYY to hard and fast for him in those 3 months.

I grabbed and held his hand an kept telling him that I loved him. When I did

those things Ted would become stiff and distant but I continued to push him.

Ted basically ignored me for the next 13 long months. All that time I continued

to have strong impressions that I was suppose to marry him.

He began sitting next to me in church and talking to me again.

we have been back together since Christmas but our relationship hasn't progressed to normal standards.

If I were you, I'd ask him one last time "Ted, do you ever think there can be anything between us?" If he says no, then do everything you can to stop obsessing on him. Ok - you have "strong impressions". They'll never amount to anything without his choosing you. And if he doesn't chose you, there's nothing you can do. Let's be very clear - you cannot force someone to fall in love. You can't force someone to want a relationship. You can't force Ted to walk this path you figure is the right path for both of you. If he ever chooses to walk it, then hooray - both of you go dancing off hand in hand. But if he doesn't choose it, it's not about you persuading him or making him or forcing him.

LM

[beefche]

I hope I can get better advice here because I LOVE Ted and I KNOW that I am suppose to marry him.

We first began dating in August of 2008 when our Singles Ward held a girl ask

guy dance. I had the strong impression that I needed to ask Ted to the dance. I

followed the impression and asked and he agreed. We had an AMAZING time at the

dance and agreed to go out some more. We dated for 3 months before he broke up

with me.

I have to agree that I pushed WAYYYY to hard and fast for him in those 3 months.

I grabbed and held his hand an kept telling him that I loved him. When I did

those things Ted would become stiff and distant but I continued to push him.

When he broke up with me I realized that I had forgot all about his different

needs and how he had to have a different pace then normal relationships.

I understand that Ted needs a relationship to go at a much different pace then

normal relationships. I am willing to wait for him to make all of the moves and

set the pace but I don't know if I should make any moves too. Like I said, we have been back together since Christmas but our relationship hasn't progressed to normal standards.

I realize that I don't know you nor do I know anything more about the situation than what you have presented. Further, I am not privvy to your inspiration. But, from your description, I have a few pieces of advice.

First, you say that you recognize that Ted needs more time and a "different pace then [sic] normal relationships"--yet, further, you say that your relationship hasn't progressed to "normal standards." If you know that his pace is different than normal, then why are you expecting it to EVER be "normal?" Normal is relative anyway--what's normal for you may not be normal for me. Relationships are hard and neither party can push the other faster than they are willing to go. There is an ebb and flow to relationships and if one person keeps pushing or keeps having expectations that exceed the other, then the relationship will falter.

Second, because you received an impression to ask him to a dance or ask him out does not mean that you are supposed to marry him. Now, before you jump on that, I am not saying you haven't had that impression, but what I am saying is that don't push it. A spiritual impression regarding a man is not an answer that he is "the one." Sometimes we are supposed to have an experience. Perhaps this dating relationship or friendship or whatever you call it is for both you and Ted for experience and growth. Further, if you did receive an answer that you should marry Ted, that is NOT a guarantee that he has or will receive the same answer. I repeat, just because you got yes does not mean Ted will receive the same answer.

Finally, I agree with Loudmouth--ask Ted what he wants from the relationship. Ask him these questions. As hard as that may be (and trust me, I KNOW how hard it is to have that frank of a discussion with a guy you love), the best thing to have with a boyfriend is a completely and utterly open communication. If you can't talk to him about everything (not that you have to or will, but just that you are able to), then the relationship will not progress. Ted knows himself better than any of us or even any expert. He knows if holding his hand is ok, he will know if he wants to continue dating you, he will know if it is a relationship that can end in marriage. Take heart and ask him. Do not pressure him, do not express your feelings to an overwhelming degree. Simply tell him that you want to know where this is headed and how to proceed.

Good luck.

[Tarnished]

I agree with Beefche here, just because you have had promptings that he is the one for you, doesn't mean that you are the one for him. When I was in my late teen years (right before leaving for college) a boy that I knew prayed about me and got the answer that I was the one for him. I already knew that he was not the one for me. I ended up going to college and marrying a guy I met out there. So remember that both sides has to have the same answer before it really works out right. Good luck with it all, and take it slow.

[MorningStar]

You say Ted is your boyfriend. Does he call you his girlfriend? Maybe in his committment to the Gospel, he feels any physical contact causes him to feel things he shouldn't? Of the people I know who have disorders on the Autism spectrum, they are the most committed to being obedient that I have ever seen. Maybe he has a hard time verbalizing how it made him feel when you tried to make things move faster? Or it could be a sensory issue he has. If he is interested in marrying you, you will have a lot to clear up first. A woman in my ward married a man with Aspbergers and their relationship took years to develop. She also has to have different expectations with him than other men. She has to be blunt with him. If you're not good at being blunt, then you're going to have a tough time, especially when children come along.

Good luck! :)

[PrinceofLight2000]

I have a friend who used to go to church with me before the ward split and she has a son with Asperger's. I'll have her type something up for you. :)

[Indyrm03]

Thank-you all for your advice!!!! I will take all of the advice and put it into the relationship.

Mahone to answer your question, the website is a Yahoo Group for LDS people who have Asperger's or Autism or have loved one who do. Here is the website LDS_Aspergers : LDS_Aspergers They say that having a spouse with Asperger's is extreamly difficult and most of them say that they would NEVER recommend being with someone who had Asperger's. Most of them say their marriages are disasters and it takes them decades to finally really come to love their spouce.

I have asked Ted out about 10 times (mostly through text messaging or at church) and he has always said yes so far. We are going out Saturday night to an LDS band compitition and a costume dance afterwards. A few weeks ago, we went to a ward Sadies Hawkins dance where we dressed as a famous couple. We went as Fred and Wilma Flintstone. We made the costumes ourselves and had a great time. We even won a trophy (Ted kept it) for Best Couple.

Tarnished: Thank-you for recommending the movie. I will definatly look for it and watch it.

Loudmouthed_Mormon: Thank-you for encouragment to ask Ted what he wants. I guess I am afraid to push him away like I did last time. I should get over my fear and just ask him. If me asking him is going to run him off, I guess he really doesn't want me. I'll try to gather all my courage and ask him that when we go out together tomorrow night.

Beefche: Yes, I do understand Ted needs a different pace. What I meant by saying that he wasn't going at a normal pace is that many people who dont understand his needs tells me I should dump him because he isn't progressing like a normal relationship. I don't want to dump him just because he is not going at a normal pace like society thinks he should. I'm sorry for that confusion.

I didn't think about Ted not getting the same answers I have been getting for over 2 years. I guess I will talk to Ted tomorrow night when we are together and ask him what he feels. Thank-you for your encouragment.

MorningStar: I have to agree with you on people on the Autism Spectrum are defiantly completly obedient at least it is that way for Ted. I didn't think about my touch could make him feel disobedient. I will have to talk to him and ask what his feelings are on touch. I leared my mistake by pushing too much last year. Now that he has started to come back to me over the past 9 months, I have always let him make the moves. I haven't tried holding his hand at all or touch him. I have asked him out about 8 times in non-threatning ways and to non-threatning situations. He has agreed to go out each time. I will work on my bluntness so it will be easier for us to both know what we expect.

PrinceOfLight2000: That would be great if I could have contact with someone who understands Asperger's better then me. I would love to have help, advice and encouragement from her.

[Wingnut]

I have asked Ted out about 10 times (mostly through text messaging or at church) and he has always said yes so far.

Has he ever asked you out?

[MormonMen]

I'm 17 years old and I have Asperger's

I never been in a relationship--- because everyone has stopped talking to me I been friendless for 15 years, I have gain trust issues in those years.

I now got 5-6 friends, (4 of them are brothers with each other, triplets and a there younger brother, their cousin has Austin, so they understand be better)

A girl moved into my ward awhile ago, she's a step-sister to a girl who's in my Sunday school class (O how I hate that class), but anyways, I like her and we talked some on facebook.. she's very nice to me, from about 40+ youth from my ward she was the 2nd and last one to even say hello to me, (My first friend, Spencer, he was the first)

But I really like this girl and it's hard for me, cuz of trust issues, maybe Ted has the same problem?, got trust issues, like for me I'm having 2nd thoughts about this girl... just cuz all the trust issues and problems I have in my life, I really hate it and I worry about each day, we started talking last week and I already worrying about the whole thing, my heart been broken so many times by rejection it seems my heart is in pieces

What I thought soooo often is "Why can't others see "us" (people with AS) like they see others, get to know us, don't run away, don't judge, don't give us rejection"

When people get to know me, they always stop talking to me after 1-2 months, so I'm very glad you can see Ted as another, not as "Different" and want to get to know him etc

My dad has AS too, my mom married him, and their lifes been fine, don't listen to the ppl from the LDS AS site.

Edited October 17, 2010 by MormonMen

[Mahone]

My dad has AS too, my mom married him, and their lifes been fine, don't listen to the ppl from the LDS AS site.

I agree, it's utter tosh... that is of course providing you don't expect the partner with AS to act like someone without AS. If you expect him to show emotion in the same way that the average man would, then it's not going to work out.

If you truly love this guy, that means you'll be willing to accept that some things that seem perfectly natural to most people, don't come naturally to him. Of course people with AS are capable of learning what social behaviour is natural to most people (and I would certainly expect him to put as much effort as possible into doing this), but even then, it's a struggle for them to do it, as it just doesn't seem normal for them. Sometimes they can seem arrogant or rude, but they genuinely don't realise this.

The best way for someone with AS to learn what comes naturally to everyone else is to explain to him after you've seen him acting like a typical aspie. But don't do it angrily, or get upset by it - if it was caused by AS, he didn't do it on purpose. However you should be blunt. Someone with AS has a limited ability to "read between the lines". They tend to take most of what is said to them literally. So just say it the way it is, but caringly rather than accusingly.

[rameumptom]

I suggest you talk to Ted about it. Let him know your feelings, but also that you respect him and want to go at a comfortable pace for him. Ask his permission before you hold his hand, etc. With Aspergers, what is okay today may not be tomorrow. They are very sensitive towards outside stimulation sometimes (I have friends and a couple grandkids with similar issues). While you may enjoy cuddling, hand holding, etc., he may not. And that is where the struggles come from. Right now you are head over heels in love with him, but later in life when you wish for more intimacy or closeness, and he isn't able to give it to you, it may end up leaving you feeling frustrated and trapped in a one dimensional relationship. This isn't always the case with people with Aspergers and related syndromes, but it is often the case.

And in a relationship, if he can only provide 50% of your needs, then you have to be willing to always accept the fact that only 50% of your needs will ever be satisfied, and be happy with what you get. For some, it means never having children, or a satisfying sex life. Or holding hands.

You will have to talk to Ted to see where he thinks your relationship will end up. What is he willing to do for the relationship in the long run, and what are you willing to possibly give up for it, as well. It may be that there is a relationship there, but perhaps not the kind that leads to marriage.

Imagine being married and you do something to upset him. Are you willing to have him ignore his spouse (you) for a year before he begins letting you in again? That is a clear risk, which he has already demonstrated. It could likely happen again.

NOW, as for the inspiration you felt that "this is the one", let me explain from years of Church leadership experience that often we receive inspired guidance, but misinterpret it. I remember back in 1982 being ward clerk of a single's ward. The bishop confided in me that he had had 4 sisters come to him, each saying they had had a spiritual confirmation to marry the same young man. Obviously, the Lord was not telling them to enter into polygamy. Instead, as the bishop prayed over this, he received inspiration that the Lord was telling these girls that this was "A" right man for any of them to marry. There is a big difference between "A" and "THE" right man. Make sure your inspirations are not being swayed by romantic anticipation on your part. We often read more into personal revelation than is actually there.

Edited October 18, 2010 by rameumptom

[JudoMinja]

I can't really give you any better advice than what has already been offered as far as the relationship itself goes, but I can offer some understanding about Aspergers. I would also recommend the Temple Grandin movie and her book- Animals In Translation. I read the book before I even knew there was a movie, and I kept having people ask me about the movie when they saw me with the book. I think the reason it makes it so much easier to understand people with autism and Apsergers is because it was written by somebody with autism! It's an amazing book, so if you're into reading, you should definitely give it a go.

I have a brother with Aspergers, and he considers me his "favorite person" because I seem to understand him so well. When it is difficult for him to understand something, or he is feeling emotional, I'm usually the one who gets through to him and helps him out. I was never sure why it was so much easier for me to relate to him than anyone else until I read Temple Grandin's book. Throughout it, she describes a lot of things that are characteristic of people with autism, and I found that I am very similar to an autistic person. I do not have enough in common to be considered autistic or to have Aspergers, but I am similar in many respects, and I believe those similarities are what help me understand my brother.

I even made a list of those characteristics of autism described by Grandin and in clinical definitions of autism, then listed those characteristics about myself that I thought would help me determine whether or not I should get tested. Here's the part of that list that I think might be helpful to you in trying to understand Ted better:

Temple Grandin’s description of autism-

Overwhelmed by stimuli- notices too much detail

Conscious access to data centers of memory

Difficulty with physical touch- too stimulating

Easily picks out oddities- see parts more than wholes

Damaged or underdeveloped frontal lobes- falls back on emotion centers

Cannot feel mixed emotions- love and hate someone at the same time

Think in pictures- hard to understand language fully

Must process everything more slowly- build picture memory

Memorizes conversational phrases and repeats favorites

Easily lost- must see location from all angles to become familiar with it

Can relate to animals due to similar thinking processes- pick up on animal cues easier than people cues

Clinical description of autism-

Overwhelmed in social settings- cannot understand social behaviors and mannerisms + too much stimuli

Fascinated with the parts of objects

Great skill with numbers or another singular focus requiring good detail memory

Difficulty with touch- uncomfortable with confinement

Difficulty communicating- language skills barrier

Hard to relate to others- do not understand facial and body cues

Ticks- repetitive behaviors

Difficulty with eye contact

Can come on too strong or as aloof- extremes in outgoingness

Often very good at art due to ability to pick up on details

Difficulty multitasking- singular focus

Require scheduled routine- new things are frightening

Learning barrier- often excel in one area and fall short in all others

Aspergers is basically high-functioning autism. Those with Aspergers fit most of the characteristic of autism, but are able to communicate better and generally function in the normal world without too much difficulty. Think of someone with Aspergers as extremely introverted- not by choice- but because too much social interaction can be very difficult for them to understand or even painful.

[CREO]

I have a really great friend who has Aspergers and he is a member too. He is such a great guy and great uncle. I know he will be a great father and a husband. What I've noticed with him is that he appreciates bonding moments that are related to his areas of expertise, which for him is Sports everything. I'm not huge sports fan but I've tried to center our activities around what makes him excited and our same shared goals. He is a coach and trainer, so we work out together and he helps give me pointers etc. I also really got into Baseball, so we watch my team games and I've picked up knowledge about local teams that we support. He is a really straight forward guy, so its nice to be able to plan these moments. We practice throwing football on the beach, going to Dave and Busters, etc. He like comedies. I know he really likes me and I like him and it seems like just doing these types of activities really made our bond greater. I think because I'm not eager to put terms and definitions on it, he is more relaxed and I can tell when he is not so keep it light and fun is all I can suggest!

[equacks]

I am 28 years old, a woman, and I have Aspergers. I am extremely high functioning, and in small groups I even come across as a neurotypical extrovert. However, I am an introverted Aspie and it is incredibly difficult for me to put myself out there to date. Because of this strange disconnect, the people in my ward are confused when I participate avidly in church or at Institute, but they never see me anywhere else. I consistently see pictures of the singles in my ward (including introverted ones) out and about hanging out in groups or at the temple, and I feel guilty, but I know myself and I know I would feel worse if I pushed myself into situations that would only stress me out further. I work a retail job that has me running a lot of different things at once, including interacting with customers every single day.

I finally found myself in what I thought was a good relationship. He, too, also has Aspergers, but is comfortable with it. But then he went off to school, though I have tried to maintain a decent connection and felt so amazingly close with him (he said so himself), he is suddenly cutting me out.

I will tell you one thing: Routine. I thrive on it in my personal time, which is why socializing with the singles in my ward is so difficult. I have to have at least a week's notice for any activity outside my usual routine in order to get myself mentally prepared for it, which is why my social life is practically non-existent. Many ward members make plans (if I'm lucky) only a day or two in advance, but it's usually with even less notice than that.

Aspergers is a blessing in many ways: I can focus on the things important to me and block everything else out...but it's also a curse, especially when you are in a ward that is very spread out and no one lives out in your direction. I use the distance as an excuse, but the truth is, I suffer every time I see a post about events and activities that I either can't go to because I am working (I work a full-time job, that includes Saturdays), or because I am too drained from my constant social interaction due to my job that drains me. This can also be the case for young men with Aspergers, so take that into account when asking for a date.

Give him plenty of notice and time to mentally prepare for even something as small as getting ice cream one evening after work. But once we realize someone likes us, we will make the time to fit you into our life. You will notice it with more communication and more interaction. It will come over time because we are very unsure in reading "in between the lines", but it will come.

[Jsmith85]

It's not easy to date someone with asperger's.  My boyfriend has the patience of a saint to put up with mine. 

For me, while I am classic Asperger's, I need the physical touch and the connection. It's very hard to do things last minute and I need the routine. I'm very high functioning but struggle with social cues quiet a bit. My bf and I struggled untill he realized that I do have special needs and I can't always tell if he is joking or serious.

Patience is the key - because making Friends is hard for us, we tend to be loyal to the ones we have.

[Jane_Doe]

Aspire here too!

[Latter-Day Marriage]

Pretty harsh to suggest somebody should be alone for their whole life because of something like that.  Yes, there will be extra challenges but if you do your homework and are honest with yourself you should be able to figure out together how to make it work.

Notice I said together.  You and he need to have some serous conversations.  What do you need in a relationship to feel happy and feel that you are loved?  What does he need?  Are you both able to meet each other's needs?  Can you accept that there will be times he needs you to be one way, and times he needs you to be another, and work out some way of signaling to each other?  There may be times where your needs are in direct conflict with his needs, how would you handle that?  What are his emotional limits and scars and what are yours? 

Don't rush.  Make this a long term project to really REALLY get to know him inside and out.  See him at his worst and at his best, let him see you at your worst and at your best.  Be honest, don't be pushy, and don't fake anything to try and 'get' him, don't thing the power of your love erases all obstacles, it has to be a two way street.  When you know his every little quirk and mood and trigger and need then you can start asking yourself if this will work as a marriage, and be honest enough with yourself to say no it won't work if that is the case.  Better a failed romance than a failed marriage.

[Sunday21]

I have had employees with Aspergers. These people have been awesome! I really miss them.