Midsingles


beefche
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Are you talking about our conversation? :D What I mean when I say that many don't understand mid-singles is that many have never been a never married 28-40 year old to understand the struggle of that time. Each developmental stage has its own milestones and things to be accomplished. This is part of why they split the demographics like they do, 18-34, 35-49, 50-64, 65+. People in each of those demographics are going to have more things in common than with another age group. And there are things that mark progression in that stage, IE: getting married, having children, finishing school tends to be in the 18-34 stage, while raising kids and steadily progressing in your career tends to be in the 35-49, etc. Its called family life cycle theory if you want to look it up. When you end a stage without completing the things that are "supposed" to happen in that stage it can create some different experiences for people. Hence why we get people who are asked, why aren't you married? Or what's wrong with you, you're just too picky. Or whatever your favorite is.

So why do we create YSA wards? Why do we create YSA activities even if there isn't a ward in the area? Its the same with SA and now mid-singles. When we are in our own lives and wards doing our thing its hard to meet others who share your values and who you would like to be connected to. Its also nice to know you aren't the only one having certain experiences but that its a similar experience based on the life stage. Its like mothers who get together to talk about their children/babies. They need to be with others to know that what they are going through isn't just them, that they are in fact normal and to gather support. I find it similar with mid-singles. Its nice to be with other mid-singles so that I know I am not alone in the experiences I'm having and that I can get support in those things.

Please know that not all mid-singles have had good experiences in family wards. My first family ward I went to was AWESOME and exactly what I needed when I took myself out of the singles ward at 27. I just couldn't deal with the childishness (developmentally appropriate) and needed more adult support. My second ward was VERY different. They put me in the nursery (free childcare and a break for everyone) and I HATED IT. I love kids but it completely removed me from any interaction with the sisters in my ward. I was there 2 years and still had people coming up to me asking me if I was new.

Another thing that I have come up against is that many people don't know how to talk to someone who doesn't have children. Many times, when a single has children, they integrate much easier into the family ward. In my ward I've had 1 person come up and actually start a conversation with me, and I've been in the ward 2 years. Granted it was an odd 2 years where I was gone quite a bit, but still. People know of me, but don't know anything about me or my life. My assumption is because I don't have children and they don't know what else to talk about. I could be totally off though. I've had other friends tell me similar experiences in their wards. Those with children don't seem to have as many problems integrating into family wards while those without really struggle.

Going back to your original question :) I think what makes mid-singles unique from both YSA and SA is that it really is an inbetween stage. Many of the YSA activities (depending on the ward) are focused on the late teens/early 20's crowd which is appropriate. The purpose of YSA wards is to retain youth as they transition. My thought is that mid-singles functions as a way to retain singles as they transition from YSA to a family ward. Many of the SA functions, at least the ones that I've been to in my area, have been planned and attended by the older singles, typically 55+. Most of them have been in the area for a long time, maybe even raised their kids here and have been integrated into their family wards for a long time. Mid-singles is an odd time of transition from a YSA ward to a family ward and we lose a TON of people in my area at that time. I had a friend who told me that before we started mid-singles in our area that she had been going out on dates with men in their late 50's (she was 32 at the time). In horror I asked her why. She said, well they were the only ones asking me out on dates. She went to the SA activities and that was who attended. I would love to find a balance between YSA and SA which I think mid-singles does.

From what I've seen, the needs that are different go back to the stage thing. YSA is about learning who you are, getting stable in the gospel/what is the gospel and what do I believe, finishing school and starting a career. Mid-singles seems to be more of I know who I am and what I want, I'm good in the gospel and want to learn how to deepen my relationship with God/how do I do that, progressing well in my career, I've done the dating thing for a while/how do I date to marry so I can have a family of my own. The single adults seem to be more geared toward I had my family and my children are grown/I have grandchildren, I'm looking to retire/am retired, I'm looking for companionship or friends, I'm serving on the high council/stake RS.

I hope that this isn't too far off topic since you didn't ask this specifically. What I find is that many who are administering mid-singles who have never seen it themselves or experienced it, don't really understand how to make it not a YSA/youth thing. They want to treat mid-singles like YSA (or lump them in with SA). Many Mid-singles have more money and/or willingness to spend their money on traveling to other areas and having cool experiences. The extra bonus is getting to meet new mid-singles. Many mid-singles don't want to be treated like they are still YSA age, they want to have cool experiences and are willing to pay for it.

I also believe that mid-singles isn't for everyone. I have a good friend who is around 40 and she has 3 teenagers. She wants to marry someone older than her but not in their 50's. The mid-singles group that we have around here has skewed younger, like late 20's early-mid-30's (which is great, the exact demographic I'd like to see to "catch" people out of the YSA ward but that's just me). So for her, mid-singles isn't a good match. Now if we had a larger group that had more of the full range of mid-singles ages, it might be different. So for now she stays with the SA activities. She does occasionally come to a mid-singles activity but only because I ask her to. :cool:

I don't know if you've read this, but a really great thing to read is this explanation on mid-singles. Midsingles Program Outline

As far as what do mid-singles need/want....what does anyone single want....to be married. :P Even those who say they don't want to get married, really do. So how do we facilitate that happening? I have my thoughts, but what are everyone else's? :idea:

i still feel like a mid single since i am not over 62 but i am too old for lthe mid singles.
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  • 4 months later...

I really like your points about Single Adults. It is hard as we are all individuals of such varying age and situations. Right now I am really hating the 31-45 groups in Utah county as I am over 45 but not "allowed" to go snowmobiling, hiking, atv-ing or other activities they are doing only because of my age. Activities should be open to all ages and be for those who are interested in the activity. I understand the church wanting young single women age 18 to not be "dating" 40+ year old men or these same men thinking that dating an 18 year old is cool, but if the programs of the church are provided to meet the single adults social needs then it should not be restricted by age, we are adults and can choose for ourselves and I've always had older and younger friends. I have had great joy in knowing my 80+ year old friends beyond measure and valued my 23 year old friends as a special opportunity to learn from their excitement in their lives and the growth and experience they are having that helps me reflect on my own younger life and choices. I also have been seeking groups outside the church to meet my social needs, interests, and health needs (physical activities that challenge me to expand my beliefs about myself and my level of fitness). Even though I am working at expanding my social interactions with others I am feeling more alone than ever. I am working hard at reaching out to those who offer support and friendship and sometimes find their offer wasn't really sincere. Just words that sounded good at the moment. I have no cousins, uncles, aunts, siblings, children, spouse etc. The more distant cousins don't seem to care or understand how alone I am. I have reached out to them, but they are disinterested as their needs are being met terrifically by siblings, spouses, and friends. My closest friends who are single, really are quite thoughtless. They have their parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins etc none of which I have and they ask me to spend holiday's alone taking care of their pets and homes last minute, while they go off with family and they refuse to ever include me. I am never doing that again. I don't expect the ward to meet all my needs. I am just struggling right now...it hurts that so many singles my age have children, grandchildren, etc....and I am left out, alone, I've never obsessed or dwelled on my "singleness" with great regret as some of my now married friends did, and now I am thinking maybe I should have...but what would that have changed? Most of my friends who did dwell on their status are unhappily married...at least they have children, family even though not the best family relationships. I want to be happy as I am, single, unapologizing about my "singleness, childlessness, and family-less-ness, but don't know how, due to the comments and questions that target my status as some kind of weakness, defect, unworthiness...which I am certainly none of... I am worthy, more than capable, loving, giving, worthy and yet so often ignored, condescended, forgotten. Maybe I just need to pray for better friends and work at finding and being the friend I need. My only doubt about that is, is that I give and give and give some more only to ignored...the thoughtless bug resides in my relationships. Any suggestions for my today's pity party?

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Angela007,

Let me share a few thoughts that came to mind as I read the part of your post that dealt with age restrictions. When I was a student at BYU, the father of a good friend of mine was a GA. This friend told me that the leaders went back and forth, back and forth on singles' wards. Some believed that singles' wards should be done away; others believed the opposite. What it came down to, according to what her father had told her, was a majority decision. And I do remember seeing it go from one other at different times. With respect to this, and to the larger context of grouping people by age, that's something the the church does based on culture. In other words, some of the church's program's reflect the culture in which it is operating. And in the US as well as other countries similar to the US culturally, members are grouped by age. The fact that the US is a culture that groups people by age in so many ways, some of the church's programs follow the same pattern. Think of our public schools where the grade you're in is based on age. In my grandmother's day, before public schools were the norm, classes were based on the level of education one had. As a result, the norm was having children of every age in the same classroom. My grandmother was taken out of school when she graduated from the 8th grade so her mother could go to school and learn to read and write, which meant that a grandmother with a daughter who'd graduated from the 8th grade was in school with young children and teenagers and all were learning the same subject. And it's not just in school we do this. It's all over the board where we group by age.

Yet other countries and cultures operate different and the church programs reflect this. When I was in Mexico in the 1990s, I was in my early 30s. I was not married then so I was quite accustomed to being classified by age. I remember my first experience in the next step up from SYA, what my close friends and I referred to as Special Lepers. What a shock! I found out quickly that about there were only two things we had in common--we were all LDS and all in the same age group. Other than those two points, I was a square peg in a round hole. This and more were part of my thoughts, mindset, and expectations when I found myself in Mexico. I was invited to an LDS dance in Mexico City (el DF). Being the typical gringo from the US, I was thinking in terms of the various groupings we had in the US based on age. Hence, I asked my Mexican brothers and sisters what age group the dance was for? Note, I'm fluent in Spanish, so there was no real language barrier. But my background was a barrier since I was speaking of things they had no concept of. When I'd ask my question, they didn't seem to understand what I was talking about. I re-phrased things, and they still didn't understand. When I spelled it all out, they were surprised that we did things that way and said that in any event it was for everytone. I still didn't know what they really meant until I went to the dance. Sure enough, it was for everyone, something I'd never experienced in all my years living in the US. Everyone was out there dancing and having a good time. The elderly and the young all mingled together. And for the first time in my life, I actually saw little children of 8, 9, or 10 dancing at a chuch dance right along with everyone else.

Since that time I've lived all over the world, and I've repeatedly seen how the church adapts certain programs or policies (as opposed to teachngs, principles and doctrines) to the culture in which it finds itself. For the past several years, I've seen this in the Middle East. But I've also seen it throughout Latin America, the Far East, and Europe. While I've come to appreciate the Mexican way, I do understand what the leaders are attempting to do in the US when it comes to certain programs. The truth is that the Mexican way might not work in the US since our cultures are different. But given my experience working and living abroad as one who is not attached living on all the Little Americas abroad I've come to appreciate even more how the church has an adaptability that we sometimes don't see in our own culture. On a personal level, I've come to value the Latin way, were age or status are not part of the equation, but I probably would have never come to value their way of doing things if I hadn't lived there since I grew up in a culture that did things differently and my mindset was in large measure shaped, nourished, and rooted in my native culture.

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I really like your points about Single Adults. It is hard as we are all individuals of such varying age and situations. Right now I am really hating the 31-45 groups in Utah county as I am over 45 but not "allowed" to go snowmobiling, hiking, atv-ing or other activities they are doing only because of my age. Activities should be open to all ages and be for those who are interested in the activity. I understand the church wanting young single women age 18 to not be "dating" 40+ year old men or these same men thinking that dating an 18 year old is cool, but if the programs of the church are provided to meet the single adults social needs then it should not be restricted by age, we are adults and can choose for ourselves and I've always had older and younger friends. I have had great joy in knowing my 80+ year old friends beyond measure and valued my 23 year old friends as a special opportunity to learn from their excitement in their lives and the growth and experience they are having that helps me reflect on my own younger life and choices. I also have been seeking groups outside the church to meet my social needs, interests, and health needs (physical activities that challenge me to expand my beliefs about myself and my level of fitness). Even though I am working at expanding my social interactions with others I am feeling more alone than ever. I am working hard at reaching out to those who offer support and friendship and sometimes find their offer wasn't really sincere. Just words that sounded good at the moment. I have no cousins, uncles, aunts, siblings, children, spouse etc. The more distant cousins don't seem to care or understand how alone I am. I have reached out to them, but they are disinterested as their needs are being met terrifically by siblings, spouses, and friends. My closest friends who are single, really are quite thoughtless. They have their parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins etc none of which I have and they ask me to spend holiday's alone taking care of their pets and homes last minute, while they go off with family and they refuse to ever include me. I am never doing that again. I don't expect the ward to meet all my needs. I am just struggling right now...it hurts that so many singles my age have children, grandchildren, etc....and I am left out, alone, I've never obsessed or dwelled on my "singleness" with great regret as some of my now married friends did, and now I am thinking maybe I should have...but what would that have changed? Most of my friends who did dwell on their status are unhappily married...at least they have children, family even though not the best family relationships. I want to be happy as I am, single, unapologizing about my "singleness, childlessness, and family-less-ness, but don't know how, due to the comments and questions that target my status as some kind of weakness, defect, unworthiness...which I am certainly none of... I am worthy, more than capable, loving, giving, worthy and yet so often ignored, condescended, forgotten. Maybe I just need to pray for better friends and work at finding and being the friend I need. My only doubt about that is, is that I give and give and give some more only to ignored...the thoughtless bug resides in my relationships. Any suggestions for my today's pity party?

My view on the age thing is that just because you wouldn't hit on a much younger person at a mid-single activity and/or you see it as just fun activities to do to be social, not everyone feels that way. I know of much older men who aggressively pursue much younger women at single adult activities. I have seen it with my own eyes and it is not ok. My belief is that those who are running the activities are looking to set good boundaries to protect women from men who have nefarious intentions. I do that with the mid-singles group I run. Secondly, many of the mid-singles who attend the activities do so with the intention to want to date to marry. It sounds like the mid-singles group where you are isn't lenient in the age range but I would wonder if there are other groups of people doing activities that you could be part of. Since you stated that you are seeking social groups outside of the mid-singles how is that fitting for you? Are you getting your social needs met from that? Are you connecting to others that can then become good friends? I find it hard to believe that if you really are putting yourself out there that NO ONE has responded in a similar fashion about wanting to be connected and being good friends. There are more people than you think who are single who are in a very similar situation you are in without families. I happen to be one of those.

As far as your personal experiences with other singles, I wonder if you haven't shared with them the things that are important for you and how you might be different from them. What had you do all those things for the other singles and not share with them that you might want to be included in holiday events? I know that if I knew someone who didn't have a place to go for the holidays I would totally invite them to come with me. I wonder if your friends knew? It also makes me curious about how much you are personally sharing with others about your life in general if you are giving so much and not getting anything in return. It can be hard to be vulnerable and let people know that we might need someone else and I can guarantee you that others are feeling the exact same way you are feeling. How much do you risk with others and let them see some vulnerability?

We all go through ups and downs in life even if we are married, its just that as singles we go through ups and downs more focused on being single which we sometimes feel we have little control over. It seems like its more awful than what others experience but its not. Yes, it can be harder when we don't have "that one" to get through things with but being married doesn't ensure that either. As you stated, there are many who are in marriages that aren't doing well too. The only thing we can rely on 1000% is the love of God and His ability to be there for us no matter what. I believe that it is when we really BELIEVE that God has a plan for us and that being single is part of OUR plan, it becomes a little easier to bear the burdens of being single. Take it to the Lord and ask Him what you might need to do in order to be the person you want to be, or maybe even more importantly who He wants you to be. That doesn't mean that we will marry, but I believe that we will gain an additional measure of peace about our life when we know that what we are doing is the will of God. How might Heavenly Father refine you more in this time you get to spend alone with Him?

Edited by jennvan
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