Law of Chasity/Petting Problem (Father is the bishop)


ldsforeverx3
 Share

Recommended Posts

I was wondering this exact same thing. Surely she should not have to confess to two people?

Well, I do think she needs to tell her parents. But I think that the repentance/disciplinary issues (if there be an disciplinary issues) should be addressed and cleared up with the stake president. After that, she should be able to have the ecclesiastical interview with her bishop (father) but not involve father (bishop) in that process directly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I disagree with most everyone who has posted on this thread. First and foremost, the man is this girl's father, not bishop. He should act first as her father, and later as her bishop. She needs to tell her father, and see what he would recommend.

And I can't figure out why she couldn't resolve the repentance issues with the stake president, and then afterward still have an ecclesiastical interview with the bishop.

you don't have to tell anything to your parents wingnut. and i wouldn't suggest it if your parents are as judgmental as mine. i told them, now my life sucks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't find the double-thank button.

I find it sad that children cannot talk to their parents... especially about transgressions. If you can't find comfort at home, where can you?

I've always talked with my parents. And naturally when I committed serious sins, I told them too. They haven't treated me the same since then... They've tried to comfort me. But they've also tried to control me now. Making it their duty to stop me from ever committing such sins again. Not really showing me their trust anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you don't have to tell anything to your parents wingnut. and i wouldn't suggest it if your parents are as judgmental as mine. i told them, now my life sucks.

I don't know your particular situation but a lot of kids think their parents are judgemental when their parents are trying their best to lead their children in the correct path. When you become a parent you will soon realize that there is no "Complete Manual for Raising Children" and a lot of what you do will be to the best of your knowledge.

So, your situation can be 2 things:

1.) Your parents are trying to help you with the repentance process but you are not yet ready to deal with the consequences of your actions.

2.) Your parents, like most other parents in the planet, are doing the best thing they know how and it just happened to be the wrong one.

In either case, it might help you to understand why your parents are doing what they are doing. I'm very sure they are not doing it because they could care less about you... well, there are those parents too - but those parents usually don't care enough about their kid and would be mostly absent.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gwen: I guess I'm not a father, so I can't say for sure... but I would hope this would be the case (but you are probably right).

Still, when I was dealing with what I viewed as my trials, I wasn't ready for my family to know for a while. My parents lovingly accepted the fact that there were "things I was dealing with, and I was dealing with them with the proper authority" without knowing what they were.

I found that to be so trusting of me, and it really cemented my relationship with my mom in particular. I would hope the dad in this case would be able to view his daughter's repentance process in the same way - although it might be wishful thinking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i think every family situation is different. i'm thrilled to know there are more positive experiences than the ones i had. my mom i could tell things to. she would have the respect to be able to say "i know you are trying to do the right thing, i'm ok to not know the details". my dad on the other hand was a different story. if my dad was the bishop i would not go to him with an issue. if the stake pres went without my permission (yes i have reason to believe this could happen) it would be the last time i went to a stake pres either. unfortunately we don't all have understanding parents. and no my feelings weren't because i was a dumb teenager that didn't understand what it meant to be a parent. it's how it was.

yes i understand my past gets in the way when commenting on things like this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i think every family situation is different. i'm thrilled to know there are more positive experiences than the ones i had. my mom i could tell things to. she would have the respect to be able to say "i know you are trying to do the right thing, i'm ok to not know the details". my dad on the other hand was a different story. if my dad was the bishop i would not go to him with an issue. if the stake pres went without my permission (yes i have reason to believe this could happen) it would be the last time i went to a stake pres either. unfortunately we don't all have understanding parents. and no my feelings weren't because i was a dumb teenager that didn't understand what it meant to be a parent. it's how it was.

yes i understand my past gets in the way when commenting on things like this.

I could very well be wrong on this but I have always associated Bishops with an awesome, understanding father...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i have to agree that the stake pres should handle this. most ppl, men particularly, don't move from one hat to the next very well. you can't expect dad to act like a responsible bishop. also if college applications are being filled out she isn't really a kid anymore so the counsel to tell the parents i think is wrong. a 13 yr old, a 16 yr old, maybe but an adult? even if she is a new adult she is an adult.

forgive my ignorance on the issue of school applications but.... what? you have to have an interview? like a baptism or temple recommend interview? or is it a personal recommendation where the bishop says "yes i know this person and they know the rules and i think they will live by those rules"? i'm not sure why petting should come up in such a discussion. maybe if you were excessively promiscuous but petting?

honestly i would go back to the stake pres and request more info. if it's not a church policy thing i would ask him to handle it. if there isn't a specific question on the paper for school i wouldn't tell him. i know it sounds bad (and maybe a greater reflection on my relationship with my dad) but i wouldn't. there is no reason to think you intend to go off to school and drink and sleep around, they can't ask that you be perfect, it shouldn't be a "worthiness" interview... it's school, you made a mistake. so what? i the stake pres wouldn't handle it i would wait till i got to school and then talk to the bishop there. probably not the best advice but i would not speak to my dad about such an issue.

I love my dad but I too wouldnt talk to him about this...I would go to another bishop....and my dad wouldnt mind this kind of behavior...I wasnt brought up LDS. Acutally as and adult a family member told me to go ahead and do it get over it! What advice...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not sure what this has to do with the situation. Stake presidents also have the keys that the bishop holds, and that's who she spoke to. I'm not sure why you're bringing past bishops into the discussion.

.

Because both stated that once released you no longer hold the keys of Bishop. That includes the Stake President. Show me a reference where it says that Stake President holds the same keys as Bishop.

Edited by applepansy
typo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So would it be possible to go through the repentance process with my stake president rather than my bishop (father)? I would be way more comfortable in that situation, I spoke with my stake president today and he basically told me that I needed to tell my father since I informed him as a stake president, and there are two interviews for LDS colleges, He helped me to realize how strong I truly am, it gave me confidence but this is still a lot to bear.

So if I have another alternative, which would be to go through the repentance process with the help of my stake president and then afterwords have an interview with my father for college, it would still be honest because I would have gone through the process..

Is that correct? I'm sorry but he basically told me that my Mother and father would find out, which would hurt them tremendously, they think that I am doing all that I should be, but really I am a hypocrite going behind their back, doing these terrible things?

That would hurt them so much, I am really desirous to make things right, that I will go to my father as a bishop if needs be, but if there is another easier means such as working through the process with my stake president, don't get me wrong, that's my number one option...So is that plausible? Because he never gave me that option, and now that I have been presented that, it would be better. I'm pretty sure my Dad would go hunt the guy I did these things with down, no matter what. LOL, he's not a crazy but he is my father and he cares tremendously for me. My Dad rarely gets angry but hearing this from my own child would break my heart.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would talk to your stake president again, and present him with your idea. Make it clear to him that you're willing to talk to to your parents about your sins, but that you'd rather work through the repentance process with someone other than your father, which could be more awkward than the typical repentance process.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Because both stated that once released you no longer hold the keys of Bishop. That includes the Stake President. Show me a reference where it says that Stake President holds the same keys as Bishop.

How's the Church Handbook of Instructions? Stake Presidents, when authorized by the First Presidency, ordain bishops and set them apart as presidents of priests' quorums. At the time of setting them apart, they also confer the necessary keys.

It's the same mechanism by which a bishop confers keys on a teachers' quorum or deacons' quorum president. He who holds the keys of a higher presidency has all the keys of the lower presidencies. Since the stake president is president of the high priests' quorum, he holds all the keys held by the presidents of the elders, priests, teachers, and deacons quorums.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So would it be possible to go through the repentance process with my stake president rather than my bishop (father)? I would be way more comfortable in that situation, I spoke with my stake president today and he basically told me that I needed to tell my father since I informed him as a stake president, and there are two interviews for LDS colleges, He helped me to realize how strong I truly am, it gave me confidence but this is still a lot to bear.

So if I have another alternative, which would be to go through the repentance process with the help of my stake president and then afterwords have an interview with my father for college, it would still be honest because I would have gone through the process..

Is that correct? I'm sorry but he basically told me that my Mother and father would find out, which would hurt them tremendously, they think that I am doing all that I should be, but really I am a hypocrite going behind their back, doing these terrible things?

That would hurt them so much, I am really desirous to make things right, that I will go to my father as a bishop if needs be, but if there is another easier means such as working through the process with my stake president, don't get me wrong, that's my number one option...So is that plausible? Because he never gave me that option, and now that I have been presented that, it would be better. I'm pretty sure my Dad would go hunt the guy I did these things with down, no matter what. LOL, he's not a crazy but he is my father and he cares tremendously for me. My Dad rarely gets angry but hearing this from my own child would break my heart.

First off, you are not a hypocrite. You made a mistake. Breaking the law of chastity is a very slippery slope, easy to fall into. That is why it is always stressed so strongly in conference talks, Young Women meetings, etc. One must be extremely careful. Unfortunately, it is difficult to understand just how careful you need to be until you have already fallen down that slope.

You clearly feel repentant, which is a very important part of the repentance process. If you don't feel the need to repent, don't feel the guilt and the shame, it is very likely you will make the same mistake over again as you did not learn your lesson.

It is very natural to be afraid of telling your parents, and I think that is really what you are having trouble with. You want to avoid telling your father until you have already completed your repentance process, yes? However, the process will never be complete until you have confessed to all those who were wronged by your actions. This includes your parents. Any chastity problem needs to be confessed to the parents (unless you are an adult and no longer under their stewardship- then you would need to confess to a spouse if you have one).

In serious sins, there is no need to make it public. The confession "list" is rather small. There is yourself, God, the person you sinned with, parent or spouse (the steward of your household), and bishop (the steward of your ward). Confession is a necessary part of repentance.

It is possible to work out the repentance process itself with your stake president, since he is steward over all the wards in your stake. Going to another bishop would not work, because another bishop would hold absolutely no stewardship over you. However, confession to your parents and bishop is still a necessary part of your repentance, which your stake president has already pointed out to you.

The stress and worry and anticipation before the confession is much harder than the actual confession. The sooner you get it out of your way, the better off you will be. There is a sense of relief that comes with confession, a lifting of your burdens. Even if your parents are judgmental and show a lack of understanding, confessing your sins to them will bring peace to your soul. But again, we often imagine the worst possible scenario, and parents are typically far more understanding than we think they will be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

However, the process will never be complete until you have confessed to all those who were wronged by your actions. This includes your parents.

ok i may be really dumb here but someone explain this to me. how does getting caught up in petting count as a wrong against her parents? the parents are not wronged by those actions. it's not personal to the parents and often it happens cause the kids find a way not because the parents did something to create the situation. telling the parents isn't cause they were wronged, it's not part of the repentance process.

i can understand telling the parents if you are talking about a teen and the parents can change something to help the child. if the petting was always happening after 9pm and curfew is at 11 it might be helpful for the parents to know, they can reel curfew in and help her help herself. if these things were happening in the home while mom and dad left the kids unsupervised 5 nights a week so they could go do their own thing, then the parents might need to know they need to be home more. for teens telling the parents is part of the creating a safe environment process. the prevention of it happening again environment.

that's why as adults it's none of the parents business. if the person is taking appropriate actions then i'm not sure "every" teen needs to tell. it should be a case by case basis not standard policy. in this case she is getting ready to leave for school and sounds like she is handling it maturely.

i seriously don't understand the whole "must tell the parents, they were wronged by your actions" stance. if one of my kids does something will i be disappointed? yes. is it personal, was i hurt? no. i would want to do what i could to help, if they are handling things right then i need to be loving and supportive and let them take care of it. how am i personally wronged by that choice? that's the only time confession is mandatory.

fyi, married and confessing to a spouse a law of chastity issue i do agree with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

ok i may be really dumb here but someone explain this to me. how does getting caught up in petting count as a wrong against her parents? the parents are not wronged by those actions. it's not personal to the parents and often it happens cause the kids find a way not because the parents did something to create the situation. telling the parents isn't cause they were wronged, it's not part of the repentance process.

so does that mean that i don't need to confess to my bishop/father??

I know you are supposed to separate the role of the bishop from the father, I highly doubt that will be honored since I mean my dad does have feelings and it will change things... I really don't feel that it would right to discuss the repentance process and go through it with my father. That's awkward enough, I thought it over and I'd much rather going through that with my stake president. If I have my college interview in a couple of weeks, when I am going through the process with my stake president, would I have to bring it up?? Is the law of chastity in a LDS college interview?

1st of all, My dad doesn't usually interview me.. He just lets me slide because he trusts me, so..? I'm kind of in a dilemma, if I'm not interviewed then can I just go through the repentance process solely with my stake president?

I mean I really didn't wrong my Mom or Dad, it was truly myself and the Lord, so why do they have to know? My stake president brought up this and i don't see the correlation....

Well in this case my Dad is my bishop so it's a sticky situation.

Edited by ldsforeverx3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

ok i may be really dumb here but someone explain this to me. how does getting caught up in petting count as a wrong against her parents? the parents are not wronged by those actions. it's not personal to the parents and often it happens cause the kids find a way not because the parents did something to create the situation. telling the parents isn't cause they were wronged, it's not part of the repentance process.

i can understand telling the parents if you are talking about a teen and the parents can change something to help the child. if the petting was always happening after 9pm and curfew is at 11 it might be helpful for the parents to know, they can reel curfew in and help her help herself. if these things were happening in the home while mom and dad left the kids unsupervised 5 nights a week so they could go do their own thing, then the parents might need to know they need to be home more. for teens telling the parents is part of the creating a safe environment process. the prevention of it happening again environment.

that's why as adults it's none of the parents business. if the person is taking appropriate actions then i'm not sure "every" teen needs to tell. it should be a case by case basis not standard policy. in this case she is getting ready to leave for school and sounds like she is handling it maturely.

i seriously don't understand the whole "must tell the parents, they were wronged by your actions" stance. if one of my kids does something will i be disappointed? yes. is it personal, was i hurt? no. i would want to do what i could to help, if they are handling things right then i need to be loving and supportive and let them take care of it. how am i personally wronged by that choice? that's the only time confession is mandatory.

fyi, married and confessing to a spouse a law of chastity issue i do agree with.

I kinda see what you're getting at, but I think when you're a teen you are still under your parent's responsibility. That is, when your parents set down rules, you are expected to obey them. Breaking those rules without just cause would be a transgression, if not sinful. It's part of that 4th of the 10 Commandments... Honor thy parents.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you are in a difficult situation. it's a very difficult balance to know what to do. on one hand you need to talk to your bishop, on the other you may not need to tell your dad... for you they are the same. i know we all already know this. the thing that stands out most is you said "He just lets me slide because he trusts me, so..?" he doesn't do a formal interview for temple trips? does he pass those interviews off to a counselor? i'm not sure if that suggests he's uncomfortable interviewing you, if he's trying to respect you and not make you uncomfortable with it, or some other reason. but that does come off as a red flag to me.

i don't know the right answer to tell you. the stake pres might have the answer for you or just make the decision for you. but sounds like he will send you back to dad.

the best i can offer you is this. really reflect on your relationship with your dad. what is it like? has he been a man in your life you can trust? has he been someone you could depend on? does he show you the love and respect a father should show a daughter of god? do you feel safe with him? if you can answer those things positively then trust that. go to him, in a formal official setting, ask him if he can be your bishop and keep the required confidentiality (including from mom). if he can then tell him. ask if you can have a prayer first, if you can say it, pray for the spirit, understanding, discernment, etc. you keep saying he would be hurt but i'm not sure what that really means for your family. will he be disappointed? probably. but remember your parents were teens too. they know what the hormones are like, they know what it's like to feel that way about someone, they know what those situations are like. i very much doubt they never kissed before marriage. if you've kissed you know what it's like to feel the desire to push lines. odds are they have pushed or even crossed those lines themselves.

if that's not your relationship, if you don't feel safe with him, if you can't trust him, if you have never been able to depend on him then i wouldn't do it. go back to the stake pres and tell him very honestly why you can't tell your dad. if he would be hurt as in personally offended and take that out on you then i can't feel good about telling you to subject yourself to that.

only you know what that relationship is like. but if you have a good dad, give him a chance to prove himself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Gwen on this one, when we are teens and we commit sexual sins we aren't actually causing harm to our parents. I committed sins when I was a teen and I repented by going through my bishop and he never asked me to confess to my parents. I think as a teen nears entering college they are beginning to enter the adult world, they travel away from their parents and live somewhere away from home. While away they have to start to learn to act as adults. Many college students are still supported by their parents though, but this does not mean that any time they sin that they have to tell their parents about it.

This situation is difficult though because her bishop is her father. I suppose it really depends on what your Stake President is willing to do. If he is willing to work you through the repentance process himself then you may be able to take care of it through him and not your father. If not you may just have to work through the process with your father, seeing as he is your bishop.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When you're a teen you are still under your parent's responsibility. That is, when your parents set down rules, you are expected to obey them. Breaking those rules without just cause would be a transgression, if not sinful. It's part of that 4th of the 10 Commandments... Honor thy parents.

Exactly! Not only that, but your father is the steward of your family. This means he is held responsible for the actions of those under his household. Your sins or transgressions hurt him, in that he could be held accountable depending on the exact nature of the circumstances. No one knows the exact details that determine what parents will be held accountable for, except the Lord. Sins need to be confessed to the parents so that they can make an account to the Lord for the actions of those over which they had stewardship (their children).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest mormonmusic
Hidden

Whether you tell your father is a personal decision in my view. I would petition your Stake President to handle this on an exception basis as this is really ripping you up. Conversely, if you are going away to college, perhaps you could ask your Bishop if you could deal with this when you move (if you do) to the new Ward with the new Bishop.

Even if your Stake President has said "tell your father/bishop" I think there would be room for you to go back to him and state your desires. Ultimately, in the SP's shoes I'd be concerned about what was best for you to get back into full repentence, not whether you told your father because he happens to be the Bishop at the time.

Link to comment

yes parents are accountable for their stewardship but the lord also understands agency. if a kid wants to do something, especially teens, they will. teens are in a transition period where they become increasingly accountable for themselves.

all that being said and i stand by my previous comments. i talked to forever in chat and given a few more details i do think she needs to talk to dad (and at some point mom). just want it clear that i'm serious when i say it depends on the circumstances and i'm not just looking for loop holes to get a kid out of telling their folks things. i do support openness when the family dynamics are such that it's safe to do so.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Conversely, if you are going away to college, perhaps you could ask your Bishop if you could deal with this when you move (if you do) to the new Ward with the new Bishop.

Problem is, I think the OP is applying for LDS Church schools, which require an eccesiastical recommendation from the bishop/branch president. If she has outstanding issues, she would not receive a favorable recommendation. Or, she could lie to her Bishop (father) and get a positive recommendation, then clear things up while away at school (which won't be for almost another year from now) and also deal with the lie, and further loss of trust from parents.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As a kid i used to feel sorry for the Bishop kids for this sort of reason. As an adult and father it has come into perspective.

What is a Bishops Job? To spiritual guide his ward, help them repent, keep them on the straight and narrow for the length of his calling 4- 7 years

What is a Fathers Job? To spiritually guide his children, help them repent, keep them on the straight and narrow for the leaning of his calling 18 years legally, really for life.

I can't think of anything that would necessitate confession to the bishop, who is a "stranger " in a temporary calling, that your father, who knows you better, loves you more and who's role is life long, should not be informed of.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share