My Blood is Boiling Right Now


openyourmind
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Maybe if I vent this here I can get some rest tonight as my blood is boiling. I had a parent teacher conference today with my youngest child's teacher. She is the youngest of 6 children, the others are all aged 16 and older...she is definitely the baby.

The teacher lives in our neighborhood as well. My youngest child struggles in school. She is extremely bright in some areas but becomes overwhelmed easily. I spent years working with her (she is in 4th now) and the stress in our house was overwhelming at times. Having a mom as a school principal was hard....she wanted to perform well....but its just not who she is. I had to let up. I was putting way too much pressure on her. She is who she is and she has many strengths to be proud of.

So, on to today. This teacher had made judgments about me. He did not realize I was in education and he clearly thought I was a career-oriented mom who was checked out of her kid's life. He also had nothing positive to say about my child except that she was very obedient and never caused him trouble

It was clear within the first 5 minutes of the conference. He started out by saying that she was only 9 and I would have to start helping her. He then commented on how HE had made her flashcards for her recent history exam and how she had scored a 97. He kept stressing that HE had made them and wanted to know if I understood that HE had made them. I said yes and he then stated that why couldn't I make them then, if that helped her.

He then went on to state that I have to communicate and was failing to do that. I've emailed him several times. The first time was early in the year giving him a complete history on my child, her strengths, her weaknesses and areas of concern for my husband and I. I've emailed him multiple times since. He then asked me if I wanted him to get on the computer so he could show me how to access the school website and figure out how to email him. What???

He also told me that by 7th grade she would surely be failing and it would be too late to change anything or for her to catch up.

Finally, he commented on how my husband is usually the one to pick her up and he rarely sees me. He stated that he was sure I was busy and overwhelmed too as I had to work and most moms have to cook dinner, raise the kids, clean the house, etc. Ummm....I do all of those things too.

Like I said, he lives in my neighborhood. I drive a nice car that I worked darn hard for (drove a mini van for YEARS). I look very young for my age and I think he made a quick opinion that I'm some bimbo mom.

I left the conference in tears and was horrified to walk across the grass where all the "stay at home" moms were...I'm sure they could see my bloodshot eyes. Uggghhhhh!!!

I'm very frustrated that I pay $450 per month in tuition to this school that I loved up until today and that I spent hours last week baking 20 loaves of fall pumpkin bread as well as 5 dozen pumpkin chocolate chip cookies for their fall festival bake sale just to be treated like this.

To top it all of, I'm not great with confrontation and my husband is bound and determined to meet with him tomorrow and give him a piece of his mind. Hubby is a firefighter and was on duty today so wasn't at the conference.

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Print out the emails you sent to him, then you AND hubby make an appointment with teacher AND the principle and let hubby loose on him.

You could also give him a loaf of bread along with a calendar with a star on the day that he made the flash cards. Or in other words in responce to his repeatedly stating that HE made flash cards. openyourmind states- And your point is?

How does your daughter feel about this teacher? If she doesn't like him, then you need to get her into another class.

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How does your daughter feel about this teacher? If she doesn't like him, then you need to get her into another class.

Really? Are we to that point of coddling our children? "You don't like your teacher, sweetie? We'll find one that you do. Don't worry, Mommy will take care of it." No! Kids need to learn to deal with and work with people they don't like. And sometimes parents need to learn it, too.

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Really? Are we to that point of coddling our children? "You don't like your teacher, sweetie? We'll find one that you do. Don't worry, Mommy will take care of it." No! Kids need to learn to deal with and work with people they don't like. And sometimes parents need to learn it, too.

I disagree to a point with this, yes there are times where sometimes you just have to deal with a undesirable situation, but when it comes to teachers I think sometimes you have to look at what kind of a benefit you are getting out of it. I have had a few teachers in my education history who were just bad teachers. And what I learned from their classes was not as much as I could have. I did not sufficiently learn Algebra because of a teacher like this. And because of that I did poorly in my later math courses as well. When it comes to a teacher I think you really need to balance whether or not your child is learning what they need to know. If they are then fine they can deal with the annoying teacher, however if the teacher is not giving them the education that they need then I see no problem with moving them to a different class if it means that they will learn. I would rather have my child learn what they need to know for that year than lose a year of education just so they can learn how to deal with the idiots of the world.

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Tarnished, what you're talking about is different. Your examples are of teachers who can't teach, or adapt their lessons to different learning styles. You're talking about destructive environments. This particular teacher has a problem with mom, but seems to be helping the child a lot -- flashcards that have produced good results, etc. If my child comes to me and tells me that they just don't like their teacher, I'm going to tell her that's just too bad.

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True, but from what I have read so far the child hasn't said anything yet about not liking the teacher. It is just the teacher being a jerk to the parent. Either way it seems like something that the parent and the teacher need to work out. I agree with you, not really a need to remove the child from the class.

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Tarnished, what you're talking about is different. Your examples are of teachers who can't teach, or adapt their lessons to different learning styles. You're talking about destructive environments. This particular teacher has a problem with mom, but seems to be helping the child a lot -- flashcards that have produced good results, etc. If my child comes to me and tells me that they just don't like their teacher, I'm going to tell her that's just too bad.

Wingnut, Tarmished makes a good point. Sometimes teachers who are having a problem with a parent are just transferring their feelings about the child to the parent. I had this problem with my 2nd son's 2nd grade teacher. She made some assumptions about my son because she went to school with my husband. I got blasted for a year at every parent teacher conference about the bad mother I was and the bad things she manufactured about my son were so out of character they are laughable. But it wasn't a laughable situation. I wish I had pulled him out and insisted on another teacher. I could have avoided a very bad situation my son didn't need to experience. Instead he ran home in tears (a long walk for a 2nd grader) on the last day of school. When I found out what happened I took him back to school to get the teacher's side. What ended up happening is I got yelled at again. I went to the principal and got yelled at again. So I wrote a letter to the school board about the constant abuse the entire year. The teacher and the principle were disciplined. After all this happend I learned that I wasn't the only parent with a problem and that children were crying when they would find out she was going to be their teacher.

The point is: Children should not have to deal with what openyourmind is describing. Neither should parents.

openyourmind:

Find out from other parents what experience they are having with this teacher. Some will love him. Some are having the same problems you are, guaranteed. A teacher who confronts a parent so agressively is having a problem that needs to be addressed. You have received some good advice. Print out the emails. Talk to the principal. Take your husband with you.

Teachers get overwhelmed sometimes and maybe that's what his problem is. But its just as likely that he has made some judgements about you or your child that are untrue and unfair and he's taking them out on your child. Your daughter is more important than the teacher.

ADDITION:

We have really good teachers in this country. I appreciate every single one of them. Its saddens me when one acts like was described by openyoumind. Its not fair to the rest who are working hard to teach our children.

Edited by applepansy
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I'm an elementary school principal so I'm usually pretty effective at working with teachers. This one just left me shocked, however.

My issue currently is not how he treats my daughter. She has no complaints about him. My issue is that he passed judgment without even knowing me as a person. He assumed that I was a career mother who knows nothing about how to educate her child.

He was quite surprised when I mentioned that she had been in my own classroom for two years as a younger child. He had no clue that I was also an educator.

My husband or older children are the ones to pick her up from school daily (which he commented on negatively). I feel like writing him, now that I have my bearings, and explaining that they pick her up because I'm dismissing 870 other young children and ensuring that they make it home safely. :mad:

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Okay, let me understand this... you're saying that HE's saying that because career mothers leave the educating to the teachers that they are bad mothers??? How idiotic is THAT?

There's a reason I'm a career woman instead of a home school teacher. I CAN'T TEACH! I leave it up to the experts - like the teachers who know that flashcards are effective teaching aids...

So, I go to work so I can AFFORD the BEST teachers. Sometimes though, I wonder if these teachers have a clue.

I just pulled out my 7-year-old from the public school last Monday. He is now in the Montessori, finally learning something.

If my kid doesn't like his teacher, I move him to a different teacher. No, I'm not coddling my child, I'm giving him a good foundation. You can't learn anything from a "hostile" environment regardless of how good the teacher is. This is no time to play "tough it out". I reserve that for the dentist.

I don't play around when it comes to my child's education. That could mean the difference between him living in a homeless shelter or a 3-bedroom house.

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Wow, he is obviously making judgements on you. It hurts when those that are caring for your children are making snap decisions about you, without acknowledging your point of view.

Definitely print copies of the emails you sent him. Let your husband take them to him when he goes to the school to speak with this 'teacher'.

My kids have ridden the bus since kindergarden and they don't feel the least bit neglected, and it certainly hasn't effected their education.

And wingnut, I gotta admit, that as a product of 4 generations of educators, I know that there are some people who are teachers who only do it because they could not find any other job. They don't even have to have a degree in education. You take a test on the subject you teach, you're certified.

My daughter had a nightmare of an English teacher one year. She was very into writing, and claimed to be preparing the kids for the writing section of the upcoming standardized tests. They were writing constantly, pages and pages and pages. They were running out of pencils. The stores ran out of pencils. This went on for months. My normally very imaginative child was completely burned out.

I decided to speak to the teacher before class. I asked her one day if she really thought all of this was necessary. Was it really improving their writing skills?

She laughed and said, "OH, no, hahahaha, I don't actually read them!"

The entire class stopped what they were doing. She explained her view that to be a true writer, you write and write and write, and one day, almost accidentally you will write something worth reading. (Much like playing a slot machine, I'm guessing) Further, she said that if I were a writer I would understand that.

I replied that, "You mean to tell me that these kids could be writing the Star Spanlged Banner this whole time and you wouldn't know it?" She admitted that yes, it could happen. Further, I gave her a list of the newspapers I had written for, as well as the publication that had printed my poetry.

I asked her if she had been published yet. "No, actually," she replied.

I looked into transferring, but it was nothing was available. Well, the end of the year was not far away, so I thought I would wait and see what the test scores looked like. The proof is in the pudding. The students' lowest scores were in.....writing, including my daughter's.

My child's feelings were really hurt when she found out that the teacher she was working so hard to impress was not even reading anything that she wrote. She was so jaded.

That can only be topped by the kindergarden teacher who wouldn't allow her to go to the bathroom and the principal that backed her up. I didn't know that was going on until my daughter got a raging bladder infection. The bladder infection got so bad, it went to her kidneys, and she had to go to a urologist and have a procedure done under anesthesia to get it cleared out of her system. Afterwards, I went to her teacher to explain to her that my daughter would need to go more often until she got better, and to please excuse her if she had to rush out. The teacher told me that they were only allowed to use the restroom on the way to lunch to wash their hands. !!!! They simply did not have time during the day to constantly stop every time someone needed to 'go potty'. They were big enough to hold it.!!!! I went to the principal, and he agreed with his staff! I had to get a statement from the doctor and threaten to go to the school board with it before they would allow it. She was treated very badly for the rest of the school year, sent home on days of the school parties, etc. She wanted to know, "why can't I go to the party, too?" poor thing, I didn't know what to say. We moved to get out of that school district.

Yes, there are stupid people everywhere, even in schools.

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And wingnut, I gotta admit, that as a product of 4 generations of educators, I know that there are some people who are teachers who only do it because they could not find any other job. They don't even have to have a degree in education. You take a test on the subject you teach, you're certified.

I don't have a problem with moving kids out of a class where the teacher is a crappy educator. I have a problem with moving them out of the class because they simply don't like their teacher. I'm really not sure I ever implied otherwise.

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Wingnut, I agree. It is very beneficial for children to work through relationships that are not their "cup of tea". I think the beginning years are crucial (grades k-2). But then, maturity develops in children and it is a plus for them to understand that not every teacher will be their favorite, yet they can still learn something from them.

That is, of course, as long as the teacher is doing what he/she is supposed to do as an educator.

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...To top it all of, I'm not great with confrontation and my husband is bound and determined to meet with him tomorrow and give him a piece of his mind. Hubby is a firefighter and was on duty today so wasn't at the conference.

I'm shocked you didn't give him a piece of your mind. I hope by now you've set him straight.

M.

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A personality clash alone is not enough to yank a child out of the classroom. No matter how old or young we are, there are always going to be individuals that we just can't stand. That's life. However, if the teacher (or a peer) is abusive towards my child, that's a completely different matter. I'd be seeking disciplinary action and I'd certainly remove my child. In what I'm understanding with this situation, OP is upset because SHE was treated unfairly and humiliated. In this case, I would go back and address the teacher's unacceptable behaviour and see what kind of solution can be made. I still think that even if parent and teacher dislike each other, it's not enough reason to remove the child unless it is directly affecting the child.

I've worked with parents and family members via my nursing that I couldn't stand but that never changed my professionalism towards their loved ones that were in my care. I did my job and did my best to ensure that their loved one was well taken care of and got the BEST care that I could provide — regardless of how I felt about the parents or other family members.

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I agree with Bini. If the child is doing well in the class, maybe best to just swallow one's wounded pride for the child's own good.

On the other hand, if the child isn't doing well--you're paying tuition? There's a very good way to set this guy straight: transfer the child out of the school, and make sure the principal and the trustees/directors know exactly whose fault that is.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I feel at our school they forget about the larger families (which aren't common here) and how that adds to how the home is run and what works for that family. I think it is fine that his siblings pick him up as well as the husband. Better than on the bus to go home to no parents home.

And yes, with a large family, especially with you both working, that time is getting everything in time. How was your day, dinner, baths, homework, bedtime stories. Oh i forgot, more homework. Or my favorite, I don't know what to do for this homework. Well, I don't, what did your teacher say? I don't know!

It is hard to get every child everything they need. The school should be making sure they are doing al lthey can for her needs as well. The School District is supposed to give a child everything they need for proper education. Its a law. If she needs help, then maybe she needs some special help for some subjects like reading, but is doing great in math. they have to provide that.

My 6 year old son has aspergers, and gets special help for 40 minutes a day for reading. Everything else he is doing great on. I like to check in more than the pt meetings and just to see how they are doing, what is working, and what can I do at home to help. They know I am busy, so they give me ideas we can use at the house such as label the tv, the wall, the couch. And integrate that into our night.

I don't have much more time for anything else, as I am sure you don't either. We are here for our children and to also teach them, but it is their job to teach our children appropriate education for each child. If your daughter needs more help, then maybe she could get extra help from the school resources. That is what they are there for. Does she qualify for any services? You didn't say what she was behind with except that the teacher said she will fail the 7th grade if she keeps going. If she needs some extra help, the school should provide that as well. If she qualifies for anything (I don't know, you might) that would also open up other doors.

We are there to support our children and teach the the gospel, and take part in their education, which thankfully is not in my home! Teachers are amazing.

Edited by sweetiepie
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