I need a little help here...

[Chango]

Yeah what are the odds? Or odds are you have the sex drive of the average wife that most men complain about, only you just happen to be married to a guy who wants it even less!

As for having gone through the whole "porn" thing myself, I know that for me that was something that I only became drawn to because the "real thing" with my wife wasn't happening often enough and I turned to that. I would rather have had actual sex with my wife any day as opposed to looking at some crappy porn.

I think that as uncomfortable as it may be the only real way to know or find out is to talk with him about it, (assuming you haven't already tried after however many years of being married now.) Otherwise your ultimately just left guessing, granted knowing him as well as you do you may have a good idea already but until you really sit down and talk with him about it or get him to talk to you about it there is no way to know for sure.

Just my 2 cents though on the subject for what it's worth.

Edited December 4, 2010 by Chango

[Tarnished]

My husband's libido was basically severely damaged through his fights with cancer. It is aggravating for both of us. We use performance enhancing products and yes the hour wait is awful, but it gets the job done. We have had to experiment to see what works for us. Just waiting an hour and then expecting fireworks often gets nothing done and we both end up feeling bad about the experience afterward. I would say to discuss sex as a couple and be willing to talk about trying other things, like different positions, possibly different types of lingerie, etc. What works best for your marriage is really up to you and your husband and what you both feel is appropriate in your marriage.

I have experienced sex once a month due to him not being interested. I have experienced feeling like my husband does not find me attractive. And yet with us both working together at trying to figure out what works for us sexually we have been able to improve our sex life. If you would like to talk more please feel free to private message me.

[ryanh]

i have a question about this, sorry if it seems off topic. is that really true or is it a perceived power? i know i felt pretty powerless. i wonder if the entire situation is one that just becomes so complicated that no one has power.

I suppose in many ways, it depends on how the situation is framed, and from what perspective it is being examined. Powerlessness to change may not equate to powerholding within the relationship. And, every person and situation is different.

Generally though, it is the low desire partner than holds power over the high desire partner. If it wasn't the case in sweetiepie's circumstances, she wouldn't have made the op asking for advice. She more likely would have exerted power to get the relationship into a more fulfilling state for her.

The reason that power inherently lies with the low desire partner is that stonewalling, dragging feet, etc are all much easier than actually changing. If the high desire partner wants something, they need to motivate the low desire partner to make a change. The high desire partner can’t (rightly) expect change, so the power over any change to meet the needs/wants of the high desire partner remains in the hands of the low desire partner (unless they decide to find satisfaction outside of the partnership).

[SuzyQ7879]

Just a thought. (.....be careful when you ask for advice ....)

I don't mean this to be anyway disrepectful or flippant but have you discussed any same-sex attractions with him? Take away all the physical problems we've discussed and some of the emotional issues and you have a recipe that I have seen all too often.

I really hope this isn't an issue.....and not just because you say it isn't.

Have you honestly asked him......and gotten an honest reply.

[MichaelCraig]

Suzy, although this is a very touchy issue to approach I too, having the open mind-out of the box type thinking that I have, took the risked and asked my wife that question. Since it is and has been very obvious for a long time now that I have nothing that seems to "light her fire" we can't help but wonder....what does? Added with the fact that she has three very close bloodline relatives that have accepted and lived with thier "same-sex" partnership lifestype for many years now (which I personally do not believe in) however, felt it may be a possibility. My wife quickly denies this to be her issue or what she chooses or will pursue as a lifestyle but still I can't help but wonder. Is it something that she suppresses because she knows it's against what our faith says is right and because of the life issues she has witnessed her family members faced and had to deal with from the world because they embrace thier sexuality? Or, is the issue from some sort of awful experience deep in her subconscious from childhood or early teens? She admits to no type of aggrevated rape/sexual abuse or the like as a kid or adult, so what then? I face a brick wall. I've read and tried all of the things mentioned in books on this thread to no avail. We've gone to both church and professional counseling. No improvement. As hard as it is for me to believe a person can be born with little to zero libido it seems maybe because neither of us choose to accept the real truth of what is causing this we settle with the answer that she is just the type person who does not enjoy, does not need and is actually uncomfortable with intamacy. It's not like we 90 yrs old. I'm 50 and she's 5 yrs younger than me. I realize our bodies go through changes as we age but sheesh!! I just do not know what to do. I want so badly for her to be happy even if it means not being with me but she swears another person is not what she wants. If she had discussed with me before we married that after a year or so she was going to be completely celebate it would have been kind of nice, you know? She says she did not ententionally do it, that she did not know so how could she tell me something she was not aware of? Oh, the many wonderful challenges and life lessons our HF blesses us with during a lifetime. Even still in spite of it all I thank Him. I just wish He would tell me what I am to do but I guess it doesn't work like that. I've prayed until my knees bleed and I will continue to pray and have faith because I know, we need not extraordinary faith. Ordinary faith in an extraordinary God, can move mountains.