Can Religion be a big issue?


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Hi everyone, I've been reading the posts around here and I thought I'd start sharing my own concerns.

I was with this woman for the past 5 years of a relationship. It recently ended 4 weeks ago because of responsibility issues, and honestly, I started treating like her like an object. Yes, we had sex for the past 4 years. We were both very into it, but I think eventually my "desires" overtook the respect part of things.

Since then, I've talked to my bishop and started the process.

Now, I've been reading a lot of materials about getting back with the ex and what not, and I think we really could get back together. The issue is in the long run.

We're REALLY compatible in terms of being around each other and having fun. We're both each others first (literally). First bf/gf, relationship, sexual experience.

Here's the issue, shes a Witness, inactive, but still holds on to some of the beliefs (probably because her mother is somewhat devout). We've celebrated holidays and birthdays, so you get the idea of how she feels about it.

I'm worried by getting with her again, that everything maybe all dandy at first but down the road will be troublesome with children in the picture. She said she would be willing to go to church with me once we start living together (married) and even take lessons. Sounds great, but at the same time I don't want her to force herself to believe something just because of me. I would want her to 'discover' the LDS church all on her own.

The question: is religion a really big issue? I understand that can be a foundation of a lot of problems. Is it worth it, or should I just improve my chances by moving to Utah (I really am) and finding that LDS woman (I live in CA).

I guess when i hear stories of people' SO's converting makes me feel better, but at the same time, I think I've done nothing to set an example to her about being LDS. Yeah, I've taken her to the temple once, never went to church with me, prayed once or twice together. She's the type that if I would push my beliefs on her she would push away ten fold.

I've messed up big time in the religion dept, i know. I'm thinking by the 'example' I've set, she's even more turned off by the idea of possibly joining. I've tainted her idea of the church.

Thanks in advance.

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People can be very live-and-let-live about kids and religion generally, but then you see that pink bundle of blankets and a little smile and gurgle come up out of it--and you want that little girl (or boy) to have all the good things you did, including your religion.

And your spouse will feel the exact. same. way.

Between that, and the fact that as a couple you've already got some baggage: frankly, I think you'd be better served starting over with someone who shares your religious principles than you would be trying to make the old relationship work. But take that advice for what you paid for it. ;)

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I like Dr. Willard Harley's discussion on this topic Conflicts of Faith (Part 2) #1 You may want to read through some of the basic concepts so you understand what he's talking about.

I remember another article of his that talks about some difficulties of inter-faith marriages, but I can't find that one now. The key point I remember from that article was that the problem that comes into play when your differing religious beliefs create situations that neither can "enthusiastically" agree to (such as a hypothetical marriage between an orthodox Jew and someone who believes in a strict pork diet.) The key idea here being that you need to know what your "non-negotiables" are going to be and what hers are potentially going to be, then decide between the two of you if you can live with each others non-negotiables.

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I practically married a non-member (he's been inactive for over 25 years and doesn't even consider himself LDS anymore) and it's tough. Especially since we've talked about starting a family and having children. Will we promote LDS standards and expectations, or won't we? It's a tough situation. My husband is a good man and good to me but he has difficulty in understanding where I come from when I open my heart up about the Church.

Anyway, everyone will have a story and everyone's story will be different. Religion and culture are HUGE factors when it comes to choosing a spouse. It's easy to initially overlook both but they're issues that will arise at some point.

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I have a daughter with a non-member, to whom I am not married to. I didn't worry about our relationship initially. Eventually, when pregnant, I realized how far off the path I had gone. I had been inactive for 2 years when I met him. I am active again, since about a year ago, and it is causing issues. I want to have a preisthood holder in my home, and I want to be sealed to my daughter.

My bishop is very undertanding that I can't marry my boyfriend just yet. It's too soon for marriage but too soon to break up. I am so torn by the situation. Without the church, he's a great guy. But when I look at what I want for eternity, he isn't cutting it.

Don't hold your breath on converting her. If you can accept that your children may not be able to be sealed to you, then by all means go about getting your girl back. Also, realize that the conflicting interests may cause her to want you to not go to chruch some Sundays, or she may be jealous of all the time you spend participating in callings and activities. Not all non-members have issues with that though, she may not mind you being involved often.

All I can say from my position right now is that it stinks not being equaly yolked spiritually with your companion.

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In a relationship, any large differences will be a source of friction. While couples may be able to put this aside for a while, during times of stress, they can become something much bigger.

Also ask yourself how you will react if your spouse asks that your child not be blessed. Or baptized.

Just as you are returning to the LDS church, what if your wife has a personal witness and decides to become active in the Jehovah Witnesses? Are you willing to give up birthdays and Christmas?

Finally, there is a reason this woman is an ex. Are you sure you remember all the negatives, or are you glossing over them because the positives were so good?

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Thank you all for your input on my situation. All of you have presented things to me that I will think about.

@Justaguy I feel that maybe all this past baggage may not be worth. I've definitely considered it because not only did we have issues that were religious, but we also had the non-religious issues.

@MrShorty Thanks for that read. I think this would be great advice if i did decide to be with her again. My gripe was that when we discussed religion, we would agree to a lot of things, what sucked was that I even compromised my desire for a temple marriage, which I feel like I don't want to as much now. Although, on the other hand, from all the temple marriages I've seen, it's not a guaranteed thing that will work.

@Bini I'm sorry you're going through that. Thank you for sharing your situation to show me what it could be like if we did start having kids. I remember we agreed that we would both allow the kids to grow up without any religion and let them choose when they get older (I realized this wouldn't really work because without being taught those foundations at the early age, it will be even less likely they'll join any)

@mrmarklin lol, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that only good LDS women are from UT. What i meant to says was that there's an increased chance that I'll find on there. And if she decided that she didn't want to convert at all, I don't really know how I'd react to it. Possibly very disappointed because I've put too much hope that she would convert.

@Suzanne627 I would very much like to be sealed to my family. She did have trouble with even the Sabbath and that we wouldn't be able to go out or shop and what not. Now throw in the meetings and extended callings would probably cause more trouble. Then again, its a matter of whether I believe this whole temple marriage thing is all its cracked up to be.

@Jazok Thats what I worry about. Yeah, shes inactive, but the moment that child comes in the world, her whole perspective will change and maybe she will want to go back to being active as a Witness. I've seen it before with my co-worker. As for going back with her, I'm just not sure now. Everything else is great with her. She loves my family, they love her. All the departments are great except the religion thing.

Decisions decisions.

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Divorce rates for temple marriages are lower than that for non-temple marriages (but are higher than you may realize) but it's not primarily because of the temple marriage, but because both people who get married in the temple take marriage seriously enough to work through problems that break up other couples.

I do believe there is a temple marriage effect for active Mormons in that divorce just feels so wrong. Unfortunately, this sometimes keeps couples together who should not be (I'm thinking of physically and emotional abusive marriages.)

@FormalMan: one idea is to court this other woman and go to premarital counseling with an objective counselor.

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Jazok,

Yeah, I've done some research on the subject as well. The divorce rate for LDS are somewhere between 23-26% but the idea the rate of temple marriage divorces are at 6% because most people just don't want to go through the trouble of dissolving the sealing.

That's something I'm looking for, a woman that will work through ANY obstacle just to save the marriage. Honestly, the idea of divorce is not in my vocabulary.

As for going to counseling, I have no idea if that will work. I feel my objective would be to try to somehow convince her to at least try exposing herself to the church. At the same time, it goes against what i said in my OP! Just don't know.

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My point about premarital counseling is to have someone with no axe to grind, objectively assess both of you. Among other things, to see if your expectations line up. (I believe all couples should do this.)

That said, pushing someone to take lessons in any religion as an implied condition of commitment is a VERY bad idea. (And wouldn't it only be fair if you took lessons from the Jehovah Witnesses?)

Edited by Jazok
Grammar and spelling
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I realize that I shouldn't push at all. I never did. Now I'm thinking because of that, it has never piqued her interest after all these years.

The crazy thing is was that I took two lessons from her church. It was bible study but she stopped making appointments and stopped going all together. I EVEN attended her yearly sacrament (which is totally different from ours by the way) just to show how open i was to her beliefs. Although we did celebrate all the holidays, but I don't think that was really a sacrifice on her part.

Who am i kidding though, we're not even together anymore.

I guess the best advice I could give myself is just find an LDS woman and prevent any stresses or hardships down the road, right?

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Actually, I think the best advice is work on yourself first. Do what you need to do in order to be fully committed to whatever you choose (obviously, I think you should choose to be LDS and fully active). Decide for yourself that you are committed to living the Gospel, receive your temple endowments. Then once you have committed yourself to course of action (and I mean fully committed, not just working on repentance for now, but have full fellowship and become an active member), then you can seek a relationship with another like minded woman.

You decide for yourself what your standards are for marriage and then seek for a woman who has similar standards. It isn't fair to you or a future woman to be unsettled in your mind on what you want or think is right.

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Actually, I think the best advice is work on yourself first. Do what you need to do in order to be fully committed to whatever you choose (obviously, I think you should choose to be LDS and fully active). Decide for yourself that you are committed to living the Gospel, receive your temple endowments. Then once you have committed yourself to course of action (and I mean fully committed, not just working on repentance for now, but have full fellowship and become an active member), then you can seek a relationship with another like minded woman.

You decide for yourself what your standards are for marriage and then seek for a woman who has similar standards. It isn't fair to you or a future woman to be unsettled in your mind on what you want or think is right.

You said it best, beefche.

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