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mwelch28

Would like some opinions/advice...

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ok this is a very long story im going to try to keep it short.. here is some background info on my situation:

i was raised mormon. starting drinking/smoking/having sex when i got into high school. also during those years i had my parents push the church on me pretty hard which in turn pushed me away from the church. i have always believed the church is true and have always known i would stop all the partying and be a good mormon again. i feel like i do have a very strong testimony even though i havent regularly attended church the past 3 or 4 years. i know that god is there for me and any time in my life things have been super hard i pray and my prayers have ALWAYS been answered.

the past couple years in college i have been living a party lifestyle.. at the start of this year i realized having multiple sexual partners was a bad thing so i cut back on that.

i have a girlfriend who has an EXTREMELY strong testimony of the church and i am so grateful to have her. im fairly confident that i want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. she has made it clear to me that the only way she will get married is in the temple. ive known her for about a year and a half and even last year (when i was still regularly having sex with other girls) i never once tried to have sex with her because i knew she was a virgin and i respected her enough to know that she wanted to wait until she was married.

there are two things that i am asking for advice on..

1. me going back to the church. like i said before, i know i am going to go back to the church at some point. i know that im not going to want to drink and party forever and that it is a temporary thing. my girlfriend says that she will never push the religion on me and says that she supports me doing it when i am ready. i feel bad about having sex before marriage and realize that it was wrong and im not going to have sex again until im married but im struggling to be done drinking and partying. my fear is that i will want to marry this girl before im ready to be done partying so i will go back to the church for her, and not for me. i know in order for it to work it has to be my decision and not for anyone else. the thing i am curious about is how do i know when it is time for me to stop all the bad decisions and start repenting? i know for a fact that i am not quite ready to be done drinking and i dont really feel sorrow that i have done it for so long. i know in order to repent for something that i have to feel bad for it and i just dont. my girlfriend says that she will be patient and i have no doubt that she would wait 5 years if she needed to for me. i think i will be done before then i just dont want to rush it and do it the wrong way you know? how do i know FOR SURE that i am ready to give up this lifestyle?

2. ok so me and my girlfriend have never had sex, we have gotten close and done just about everything else there is to do, but not sex. i know that a HUGE key to a successful and happy relationship is to stay away from that kind of stuff. we have both made it clear that we want to be good and not do anything more than kiss but we both struggle with it. i want our relationship to be the best it can be so i know in order to do that we need to stop anything more than kissing. its kind of weird because she is usually the one trying to get me to do more than kiss. we are both EXTREMELY busy and really the only time we get to hang out is at night, alot of nights she will come sleep over at my house and during the sleepovers is where the majority of these things happen. she always says that she feels close to me while we're doing these types of things that she loves the bond that she feels. i know if we stop doing things completely she will take it as a sign that i dont care about her or find her attractive or want to be close to her like that. i have already told her that if we stop doing those things we will be doing it for the right reason not because i am not attracted to her and for her to keep that in mind. i know the obvious answer is to not have sleepovers and my only problem with that is it would significantly cut back on the time we get to spend together.. is it possible for us to have sleepovers and stop doing these kinds of things? we both want to be better but we keep slipping. im just not sure what to do about this situation in general.

kind of back to the first problem.. (also i realize this is a huge post so thank you for reading this far.) while ive been trying to figure out the answer to the chastity problem it has helped me realize why the church doesnt want us doing these types of sexual things. realizing this has helped my testimony grow stronger. i went to church for 2 hours today (first time ive gone to more than 1 meeting in over 2 years) and i actually paid attention to the talks. before i just sat and daydreamed but when i payed attention today i found myself learning alot and seeing things that actually applied to my life. i am going to make an effort to go to church on a little bit more of a regular basis. i dont want to be a hypocrite by going to church then going out and drinking but i dont see myself ready to be done drinking for a while (one year two years maybe three? i have NO idea). ive thought about this alot and am just really curious how i will know when im ready to stop? or even if i will ever know for sure or if i will just have to wake up one day and stop? thank you for reading this huge thing. ANY advice on either subject would be appreciated

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You are doing things for the wrong reasons. If you are thinking of giving up drinking and partying for the girl, then you aren't ready. You must do it because you want to serve God. It is an issue of not only stopping doing these things, but of actual repentance. Repentance requires a deep sorrow for the things you have done. It doesn't really sound like you are sorry for your sins.

You won't be ready to give anything up until you are ready to be truly remorseful of it. You need to decide which god you will serve: alcohol or Jesus. If and when you are serious, you will talk with the bishop about your sins. You will attend AA meetings to stop drinking. You will change your friends from drinking buddies to righteous LDS friends.

You will sit down with your girlfriend and explain to her you are now on the path of full repentance, which means avoiding any and all things that can tempt you to fall. This means clear and specific rules on dating, kissing, etc. If she truly wants to marry you in the temple, these will be small sacrifices to make now in order to prepare for the temple.

If you wait 2-3 years to stop drinking, do you suppose your girlfriend will wait that long? Do you suppose God will wait that long on you, protecting you from yourself? I work in a prison, and 1/4 of the offenders here are in for alcohol related crimes. Much better to man up now and repent, than wait until it is possibly too late.

As it is, you are trading eternal salvation for a mess of pottage. A little pleasure will never replace what God wishes to give you. But you cannot have both. Turn your life around NOW, or you'll later regret as you look back on all the time you wasted. Few people on their death beds wished they had drunk more in their lives. Most wish they would have found God sooner and turned their lives around fully. My Dad started drinking during the Korean War. He finally stopped drinking when he was 50 years old. That isn't what he planned, and he wished he could have done many things over in his life. Don't make the same mistake he and millions of others do.

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i appreciate the advice youve given me. i dont feel that i am giving up drinking FOR the girl. i have always known that i would return to the church i just dont know when is right. i view this girl coming into my life as a sign that the time is coming sooner that i am going to repent. i honestly dont feel like i would be repenting for her. i realize i need to feel sorry for it before i can repent.. how can i feel sorry for it? i dont feel liike i am dependant on alcohol by any means. it doesnt make my grades worse. i dont ditch any type of responsibilites because of my drinking. i honestly dont view it as a very negative impact on my life so i really am not sure why i would currrently feel sorrow for it.. any suggestions?

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If you know the gospel is true, and that the Spirit has witnessed it to you, THEN drinking alcohol means you are ditching responsibilities. God holds you responsible. Your drinking with little concern over repenting means you have a cavalier attitude towards your personal relationship with God. Regardless of whether you get drunk or abuse it or not, each of us sets an example for those around us. We either encourage people towards righteousness or wickedness by our attitudes and examples. There is no fence sitting, which is what your response seems to suggest you think that is what you are doing.

If you are only looking at your life day by day, or as Isaiah would put it: "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die", then we are not looking at eternal things. It may not seem to be negatively impacting your life right now, but sooner or later it will. Those who deny such a problem often DO have a problem with dependence on alcohol. That you have little or no desire to stop now, actually shows a disregard for what is truly important. You would rather drink than please God or this girl.

You now know that drinking is a sin in the eyes of God, according to LDS teaching. If that is the case, and you deny it having any negative impact, then you are not serious about really changing your life. If I knew the young lady involved, I would personally suggest to her to move on to dating others and to not date you again, until you had spent 6 months or longer abstinent from all major sins and showing real remorse for the lifestyle you had lived.

It isn't that you aren't a nice guy or anything. It is that your behavior and words show a pattern I've seen dozens of times before as I've served in Church and in my work. I work in a prison as a counselor. Most of our prisoners are here over alcohol or drug related charges. I've met many women marry guys that did not take the commandments seriously, but only give them lip service long enough to get married, leaving the woman to later regret the relationship.

Don't be one of those guys. Be real. You either sit at the bar or you sit in the front of the pew. You can't do both. And you are risking ruining a young lady's life because of your narrow views and attitude. Don't do that. Either get serious, get remorseful, and repent now; or cut her loose.

Edited by rameumptom

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mwelch28,

I was once much like you. Oddly enough when I was finally old enough to drink at 21, is when I gave it up forever, deciding it was time to live the life I was meant to as a member of the church, and as a Priesthood holder. I'm 36 now, and have not touched it since.

Here is my advice for you: GO TO CHURCH

You are beginning to understand the importance of chastity and you seem to have true feelings for your girlfriend because you are not willing to take her virtue. You both are obviously going too far, and if you care for her the way it sounds, then you should be able to have an adult conversation with her about how you feel about her, and why you can't continue to have her sleep over. She'll understand and probably fall for you even more that you would so openly and honestly talk about these things with her. You may not yet understand completely why it is so important that you and she remain chaste, but you will if you continue to go to church.

Go to church with her. Go to church without her. Go to church and get to know your Bishop. He may want to talk about things that may make you uncomfortable right now, BUT GO TO CHURCH ANYWAYS. Be honest with him about where you are right now. He will always be kind to you and make you feel welcome. If you get blitzed on a Saturday night, reek of alcohol, and are so hungover you're still spinning, get your butt out of bed in the morning and go to church anyways. Church is for everyone, and especially for you right now.

A word about Godly sorrow. You are just now becoming more familiar with the spirit, and are just now beginning to see your sins in a new way. I congratulate you that you are coming to these conclusions yourself. I know right where you are. I remember how I also used to say to myself, I'm going back someday. I finally did, and it's been the best thing I've ever done. Godly sorrow will find you, you don't need to look for it or try to find it on you own. GO TO CHURCH and the spirit will touch you and the spirit will not allow these stains to stay with you. When I finally went to my Bishop and repented, I told that man that I barely knew things that I swore I would take to my grave, and settle up with God later. I told him that I couldn't believe I was telling him these things, and let me tell you, I could barely get them out because I was crying so hard. I was truly and deeply sorrowful and needed to come clean to get clean. It was hard, it took time to repair the damage I'd done to myself and others, but it was also an amazing time of my life. The Atonement is for you. It's for all of us.

So, please, go to church. You will find that your life can be so much more and we need you.

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As one who is still "X"d from the church, I can sympathize with your situation. I had a hard, hard time coming back to church thinking I was going to be judged and ostracized because of my sins. Bad think is, I was by some. I even had one complain to my Bishop. But for the most part, a majority of the membership understands what church is all about, the healing of those who are in sin and pain. my advice to you is:

1) Grow a thick skin. Yo will need it not only for the few (and very few) morons who will gossip and say things about you, but so that you can hold yourself together for when you are sitting there and feel like exploding because of the overwhelming feeling of not belonging. You belong. You belong in every meeting, fireside, conference, etc. Remember that it's not about running away from the bozo's out there, it's living with them because no matter where you go, they will find you.

2) Go to church regularly and don't miss a day or meeting. You belong in church, you need the church, the church was made for you, not vice-verse. You will notice a huge difference in your week between the time you go and not go.

3) Talk to and possibly dump your girlfriend. There is no such thing as going up to the line and winning. I had a girlfriend like that. When we crossed from kissing to other things short of getting into the sack, well, I knew I did wrong and confessed it to my Stake President. That meeting (not more than a few days after the "experience") I will never forget because he wanted to talk to me about getting the High Counsel together to start the process of coming back into the fold. Instead, that meeting was about my indiscretion and everything is now set back and on hold. The adversary knows you want back in. He's going to keep you from it and your girlfriend is part of it. Harsh, but true.

4) And should be #1 - Read the scriptures EVERY SINGLE DAY. Pray TWICE A DAY. Attend church EVERY WEEK, THE WHOLE BLOCK. It is that simple. There was a time I asked and wondered because there had to be more. After talking to friends, church leaders and prayer, I have found out that there is nothing more. It is that simple.

5) Build a relationship with your Bishop. He will be able to help and guide you. I'm grateful for my Bishops and Stake Presidents whom have helped me along the way. I feel I've become a project to them. I don't mind. I need the help.

Please commit and leave behind your carnal ways. There is so much more that you will get from staying in the Gospel than in any other endeavor you will undertake.

BTW, Girlfriend now ex-girlfriend.

Edited by slamjet

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i feel like i do have a very strong testimony even though i havent regularly attended church the past 3 or 4 years. i know that god is there for me and any time in my life things have been super hard i pray and my prayers have ALWAYS been answered.

That's awesome! Then you are at least keeping the first covenant which is to remember him always. It doesn't sound like you've received your endowments, so the only covenant you made so far is to remember him always. Sounds like you're doing that. I think that more than anything else is the most important foundation in the gospel.

i have a girlfriend who has an EXTREMELY strong testimony of the church and i am so grateful to have her. im fairly confident that i want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. she has made it clear to me that the only way she will get married is in the temple. ive known her for about a year and a half and even last year (when i was still regularly having sex with other girls) i never once tried to have sex with her because i knew she was a virgin and i respected her enough to know that she wanted to wait until she was married.

Sounds a bit like my situation. I found the girl of my dreams and it was the answer to my prayers. I believe Heavenly Father was giving me an opportunity to change: Either keep doing the stuff you know you shouldn't which is keeping you from fully enjoying the awesomeness of marriage or choose to marry one of my precious daughters by giving up the bad stuff.

You have Free Agency, so decide what you want and go get it. As long as you're honest with yourself about what you truly want. I would write down what it is that you really want and read it night and day to remind yourself what you're working for/toward.

1. me going back to the church. like i said before, i know i am going to go back to the church at some point. i know that im not going to want to drink and party forever and that it is a temporary thing. my girlfriend says that she will never push the religion on me and says that she supports me doing it when i am ready. i feel bad about having sex before marriage and realize that it was wrong and im not going to have sex again until im married but im struggling to be done drinking and partying. my fear is that i will want to marry this girl before im ready to be done partying so i will go back to the church for her, and not for me. i know in order for it to work it has to be my decision and not for anyone else. the thing i am curious about is how do i know when it is time for me to stop all the bad decisions and start repenting? i know for a fact that i am not quite ready to be done drinking and i dont really feel sorrow that i have done it for so long. i know in order to repent for something that i have to feel bad for it and i just dont. my girlfriend says that she will be patient and i have no doubt that she would wait 5 years if she needed to for me. i think i will be done before then i just dont want to rush it and do it the wrong way you know? how do i know FOR SURE that i am ready to give up this lifestyle?

Wake up, she won't wait 5 years. Trust me on this one, she won't wait. She will wake up one day and realize how selfish you are being. She is sacrificing the joys of marriage and her progression in life and the gospel. What are you sacrificing?

President David O. McKay said, “Next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God’s greatest gift to man.” So the first gift is time on this earth, the second gift is choice. Decide what you want to do with those gifts.

I'm not saying stop drinking. However, it sounds as if you want to stop drinking so you can be worthy and marry this girl. So stop choosing to feel bad. You aren't your past, you are who you decide to be right now. Your choices right now will determine your future. You want to party, then party. You want to get married to the girl you love, then make decisions that will get you there. You either move toward or away from your goals with every choice you make.

You know you want to give it up when you want something else more. It sounds like you're taking the first step, you're asking questions. You're wondering how to get past the partying and get the girl you want. Focus on her, focus on the church. As you get closer to the church, you will not want to do the "bad" stuff anymore.

2. ok so me and my girlfriend have never had sex, we have gotten close and done just about everything else there is to do, but not sex. i know that a HUGE key to a successful and happy relationship is to stay away from that kind of stuff. we have both made it clear that we want to be good and not do anything more than kiss but we both struggle with it. i want our relationship to be the best it can be so i know in order to do that we need to stop anything more than kissing. its kind of weird because she is usually the one trying to get me to do more than kiss. we are both EXTREMELY busy and really the only time we get to hang out is at night, alot of nights she will come sleep over at my house and during the sleepovers is where the majority of these things happen. she always says that she feels close to me while we're doing these types of things that she loves the bond that she feels. i know if we stop doing things completely she will take it as a sign that i dont care about her or find her attractive or want to be close to her like that. i have already told her that if we stop doing those things we will be doing it for the right reason not because i am not attracted to her and for her to keep that in mind. i know the obvious answer is to not have sleepovers and my only problem with that is it would significantly cut back on the time we get to spend together.. is it possible for us to have sleepovers and stop doing these kinds of things? we both want to be better but we keep slipping. im just not sure what to do about this situation in general.

First off, I give you credit for not going all the way, it shows maturity. That's excellent!

You're right, if you stop the affection, even if she logically understands why, it'll still hurt. Not that it's impossible in general, but it doesn't sound like she is the kind to be able to use logic to override her emotions. That's not bad, it's just the way she is. In some ways, I'd say that's good. That's one thing that makes a woman a woman. But I digress...

You could have sleepovers and not mess around, but you've already crossed that line. The triggers are set in place; a wink, a brush of her hand, a light kiss, and BAM you're back to it again. Really now, making out is fun, why wouldn't you want to snuggle up on a cold evening and make out. So I'd suggest trying to add variety to the evening so you don't focus on it. Play games, watch a movie, invite friends over, surf the net together looking for odd and funny things. Or better yet, just go out and have a fun time together doing something else.

One last suggestion is to focus on other stuff you can do together. Don't focus on slipping. Focus on the good things that you are doing and keep doing them. Be consistent.

kind of back to the first problem.. (also i realize this is a huge post so thank you for reading this far.) while ive been trying to figure out the answer to the chastity problem it has helped me realize why the church doesnt want us doing these types of sexual things. realizing this has helped my testimony grow stronger. i went to church for 2 hours today (first time ive gone to more than 1 meeting in over 2 years) and i actually paid attention to the talks. before i just sat and daydreamed but when i payed attention today i found myself learning alot and seeing things that actually applied to my life. i am going to make an effort to go to church on a little bit more of a regular basis. i dont want to be a hypocrite by going to church then going out and drinking but i dont see myself ready to be done drinking for a while (one year two years maybe three? i have NO idea). ive thought about this alot and am just really curious how i will know when im ready to stop? or even if i will ever know for sure or if i will just have to wake up one day and stop? thank you for reading this huge thing. ANY advice on either subject would be appreciated

Congratz on going back to church more. Every step, no matter how tiny gets you closer to your goals.

That's exactly what happened to me. I used to just sit and dream on while they'd yap away. Now I actually listen and learn something. I hunger to know more every time I go.

Don't put church and drinking together. They are separate. Just focus on church. Stop feeling bad about it. Just go back to church and enjoy it. You will eventually not want to drink because church and the gospel will replace the desire you have to drink.

There is no getting ready to stop. Decide to drink or not to drink. "Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try." Don't think about it when it's offered to you, by then you're already stuck cause you can't say wait, give me a few minutes to think about this and then decide not to. You can still party and no drink, right?

Think about yourself in 3 years. Where will you be if you keep drinking? Married to the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with? What if you stop drinking? Go back to church? Become worthy? Marry in the temple? Start a family? Have true intimacy and sex with your wife?

My dream, what keeps me moving forward, is the vision of marrying the girl of my dreams in the temple. Being worthy to give my wife a blessing of comfort when she's sick, to give my daughter a father's blessing before her first date and before she gets married. Forget the son's, they'll probably be lady killers, so it's the girls who'll need the protection! Just kidding!

Remember the gospel isn't a fence, it's a guide rail. Keeps you in the good spots and keeps you out of the bad spots. You can always choose to jump the guide rail, but why would you want to? There's plenty of stuff to do on the good side.

It sounds like you're on the right path, just keep moving forward and doing what you know is right.

Ignore the slipups and spills, they won't quench your thirst. Instead focus on filling the glass with the good stuff, that's what will quench your thirst.

I wish you all the best. Good luck!!

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Stop touching her! She is a virgin, and you respect that, while doing everything except actual sex? Playing with fire, and you know it. She needs to go to her bishop soon before she gives something away to someone she is potentionally not meant to be with (depending on how serious you are). Respect her more.

(I have been a horny virgin mormon girl too, who pushed her own fiancee in those ways, and he was respectful enough to be the strong one and take us to the bishop. And he knew what he was missing too).

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Stop touching her! She is a virgin, and you respect that, while doing everything except actual sex? Playing with fire, and you know it. She needs to go to her bishop soon before she gives something away to someone she is potentionally not meant to be with (depending on how serious you are). Respect her more.

(I have been a horny virgin mormon girl too, who pushed her own fiancee in those ways, and he was respectful enough to be the strong one and take us to the bishop. And he knew what he was missing too).

I agree with everything you've said. Especially the bold. This is coming from an outrageously wild teen back-in-the-day when breaking chastity was the least of my issues!

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