Why do people stop attending church?

[MarginOfError]

I'm in the middle of a huge brainstorming and thought building process about this. I want to spark some discussion on the topic. Answers don't have to be specific to people leaving the LDS church, or even a Christian church. I just want some hypotheses thrown at me.

As fair warning, I'm likely going to respond by nitpicking over the hypotheses, challenging them, finding fault, and hopefully refining a few. I encourage all to engage in these activities. My goal is selfish--I personally want to understand this better and a little collaboration would help me.

And lastly, let me say that no theory is too minuscule to mention. I don't believe there is a single, unifying theory to explain this. The reasons are likely varied and complex.

So thanks for your help, and please, lay your hypotheses on me.

[Dravin]

A few:

1) Some leave because they are living contrary to Gospel standards and dislike the constant reminder that going to Church gives.

2) In response to perceived or real offenses. Either because it sends up some sort of "any church in which this happens can't be true" flag, to avoid a reminder of the offense or source of future offenses, or in demand of some sort of apology. There are of course others.

3) Bored. I personally find going to church difficult because the thought of sitting through Gospel Doctrine, Priesthood and sometimes even Sacrament (Fast and Testimony) does not particularly appeal so it's a real temptation to just stay home.

Of course depending on how you look at it these are symptoms and not causes in and of themselves. At least you certainly hear a lot of #1 is a symptom of not repenting, #2 is a symptom of not forgiving, and #3 is a symptom of not having the right attitude and so on.

Edited December 9, 2010 by Dravin

[skippy740]

It's WORK!!!

Our church is a church of work and activity. This isn't a church where we sing "Kum-bai-ya" about the great mercies of our Lord. We talk about work - callings, activities, feeding the missionaries, home & visiting teaching, youth activities, ward activities, priesthood blessings, constant worthiness, tithing settlement, etc., etc, etc.

How does one get a break from this? You stop going and they LEAVE YOU ALONE! lol

Our church doesn't have a culture of having the freedom to say 'no' without thinking you're telling the Lord Himself 'no'. You CAN say 'no', but you may feel worse for doing so.

And if you have a lot of drama in your life... then adding to your responsibilities may not be the best thing for you.

[Carl62]

The internet could be playing a big part in this these days. It takes less than a minute to get on any anti site or youtube video that talks about the early doctrines or history of the church that may go against what we teach today, thus causing people to have serious doubts/questions that they sometimes can't get answered and therefore end up going inactive. I honestly believe this is becoming more and more of a problem. I wish the church could somehow figure out a way to do damage control on this.

[Guest Alana]

The three stages that seem to affect my extended family:

1. Everything goes wrong on Sunday. Kid A gets sick one Sunday, Kid B the next, the next week Mom is sick. The car won't start. The pipe under the sink breaks and water won't stop gushing out. Kid A falls off the top bunk and needs a trip to the ER. The dog gets sprayed by a skunk, Kid A and B are both sick etc.

..... This breaks the habit of going every Sunday ....

Then comes the Sunday where there isn't a major catastrophe.

2. In lack of major catastrophe, minor annoyances become excuses. Mom is recovering from being worn out by taking care of everyone who had been sick the last two weeks. The clothes that were laid out the night before are half missing. The car is acting a little funny, so we shouldn't drive it. Combine these excuses with the fact that staying in PJ's all day while watching a movie and eating left over chinese food can be much more appealing than getting up, showered, dressed nicely and out the door in time to go to a three hour meeting.

.... This finalizes the habit of staying home .....

3. Now it's been a while since church has been attended. Going back will feel 'weird'. There's guilt for not going, and in order to avoid thinking about guilt, one avoids thinking about going to church at all. Next thing you know, months turn into years and one is officially inactive.

[Wingnut]

Alana, I totally get all that. Sometimes it just feels like one thing after another.

There are four families I can think of right now in my ward who are strong-ish families, but seem to be slipping away. Two are married couples in their early 30s with no children, one is a couple with one son who just started college. None of those three have any of those excuses.

[Guest]

Alana, I totally get all that. Sometimes it just feels like one thing after another.

There are four families I can think of right now in my ward who are strong-ish families, but seem to be slipping away. Two are married couples in their early 30s with no children, one is a couple with one son who just started college. None of those three have any of those excuses.

Wing... just because a couple is in their 30's without kids or an empty-nester couple doesn't mean that they are not getting hammered with challenges...

Burn out. Yeah, that's a big one.

And, of course, when somebody finds themselves not living gospel principles, they tend to think there's no point in going to church anymore.

[MarginOfError]

Alright, let's get started:

A few:

1) Some leave because they are living contrary to Gospel standards and dislike the constant reminder that going to Church gives.

I have no issue with this one. To be honest, it seems like a perfectly valid reason to stop attending. If they don't intend to stop what they've come to believe is sinful behavior, why would they want to be reminded week in and week out.

The other side of this is that they may not believe their actions are sinful. If their actions are related to core principles (eg, alcohol consumption), then they have a valid reason not to attend. If it's something minor (eg, caffeine consumption), then there's a problem in the ward if they're made to feel guilty for it.

2) In response to perceived or real offenses. Either because it sends up some sort of "any church in which this happens can't be true" flag, to avoid a reminder of the offense or source of future offenses, or in demand of some sort of apology. There are of course others.

I was reading a talk on lds.org yesterday and ran across this

...To all such [less active] we reach out in love. We are anxious to forgive in the spirit of Him who said: ‘I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.’ (D&C 64:10.)

We encourage Church members to forgive those who may have wronged them. To those who have ceased activity and to those who have become critical, we say, ‘Come back. Come back and feast at the table of the Lord, and taste again the sweet and satisfying fruits of fellowship with the saints.’” (“An Invitation to Come Back,” Church News, 22 Dec. 1985, p. 3; italics added.)

I actually found myself mildly offended at this. Why exactly do we need to forgive those that have left the Church? What harm has a person done to me by going less active?

Furthermore, I find it utterly bizarre that we say we encourage the less active to forgive their offenders and come back to church. But I have yet to see any statement that maybe the active members at church might need to make changes in themselves. Why do we hold the active members (perhaps better read as, "the ones who didn't leave") blameless?

3) Bored. I personally find going to church difficult because the thought of sitting through Gospel Doctrine, Priesthood and sometimes even Sacrament (Fast and Testimony) does not particularly appeal so it's a real temptation to just stay home.

This I can empathize with. I've been reading some other things as I've thought and researched this topic. There seems to be a sizable group of people that feel that the Church has developed such a culture of anti-dissidence, that few people are comfortable expressing ideas that are uncorrelated. So the only things that get said in lessons any more are the same basic, safe, low-hanging fruit principles that we've all come to readily accept. It's like our services have become so focused on spiritual stimulation that it's entirely forgotten that, to some extent, intellectual stimulation is a vital part of learning.

Of course depending on how you look at it these are symptoms and not causes in and of themselves. At least you certainly hear a lot of #1 is a symptom of not repenting, #2 is a symptom of not forgiving, and #3 is a symptom of not having the right attitude and so on.

I think very much we focus on the symptoms. I think we have buzzwords to describe people leaving, like

"They lost their testimony" (Often, in my experience, not true)

"They stopped feeling the Spirit" (Well, that doesn't help us know how to get them to feel it again)

"They were offended" (Why?)

And more often than not, the proposed solutions to these issues are just as vague: "We need to get their testimony back." Gee...thanks.

[mnn727]

Its not meeting their needs and wants - whatever those needs and wants are - and its different for every person.

[MarginOfError]

It's WORK!!!

Our church is a church of work and activity. This isn't a church where we sing "Kum-bai-ya" about the great mercies of our Lord. We talk about work - callings, activities, feeding the missionaries, home & visiting teaching, youth activities, ward activities, priesthood blessings, constant worthiness, tithing settlement, etc., etc, etc.

How does one get a break from this? You stop going and they LEAVE YOU ALONE! lol

Our church doesn't have a culture of having the freedom to say 'no' without thinking you're telling the Lord Himself 'no'. You CAN say 'no', but you may feel worse for doing so.

And if you have a lot of drama in your life... then adding to your responsibilities may not be the best thing for you.

I already perceive this to be a huge problem. I think we really need to fix the culture that we can't say no. With the newer handbooks, there's a lot more implication of the humanity of leaders, and that their decisions--yes even their spiritual decisions--can often only be good as the actual knowledge the leaders have of an individual. We need more dialog between leaders and members.

[MarginOfError]

The internet could be playing a big part in this these days. It takes less than a minute to get on any anti site or youtube video that talks about the early doctrines or history of the church that may go against what we teach today, thus causing people to have serious doubts/questions that they sometimes can't get answered and therefore end up going inactive. I honestly believe this is becoming more and more of a problem. I wish the church could somehow figure out a way to do damage control on this.

Just out of curiosity, Carl, what would be your ideas about how to do 'damage control?' I'm not sure damage control is the right word, by the way, but a better one isn't coming to mind just yet.

[Wingnut]

Wing... just because a couple is in their 30's without kids or an empty-nester couple doesn't mean that they are not getting hammered with challenges...

I didn't mean to imply that they didn't have challenges. I was just going off of Alana's post where most of the excuses she's seen used had to do with kids. I know three families personally that seem to be falling away but can't use those particular excuses. That's all.

[rameumptom]

Most people who fall into inactivity have a testimony of the gospel. However, for one reason or another, they have not kept their testimony forefront in their lives. Life is full of distractions and things to keep us busy. We get so busy that we stop reading scriptures, praying, and doing the basics. From there, it is easy to skip Church on occasion, because of our busy-ness and distractions. Eventually, activity slips down the list of importance, as we've developed other habits.

With these families you are concerned about, have you asked them to share their testimonies with you? See where their testimonies of the gospel currently are. See if they are studying the scriptures daily and praying. Those two are the key to leading a person back to active Sunday attendance. You may even wish to help them set a goal to attend the temple, with all of these other things as minor goals to accomplish on the way to the big goal.

[Last_Daze]

Isn't the issue, when we talk about forgiving people who become inactive and then want to return, that it is not held against them in any way? It is true that they haven't injured someone else in any way, but there are people who feel, rightly or wrongly, that they will be guilted or shamed if they come back to the church after a period of inactivity. I think the talk of 'forgiveness' is a somewhat-clumsy way just of saying that it won't be held against the person or the family.

On another note that was addressed earlier, I wonder what would be the way to deal with the alleged lack of intellectual rigor in sacrament meeting talks. As people have been quick to point out to me, those giving these talks are not professional theologians, philosophers, historians or speakers; they're just normal folk, not necessarily more intelligent or educated or anything than anyone else. This always seems to me to be a point of pride for many people, which is fine, but I feel it is unfair to expect too much given that this is the case. I wonder how we reconcile this?

As a final note, I do think it is important that people have the option to say 'no'. It seems to be that people should want to serve callings, but not every calling is equal or requires an equal amount of time and work; some people just cannot do it. On the other hand, this is also a strength of the LDS church, whereas in other churches I've been involved in, it really can be difficult to get involved in things and help out at the church. No such danger in with the LDS!

[Wingnut]

Most people who fall into inactivity have a testimony of the gospel. However, for one reason or another, they have not kept their testimony forefront in their lives. Life is full of distractions and things to keep us busy. We get so busy that we stop reading scriptures, praying, and doing the basics. From there, it is easy to skip Church on occasion, because of our busy-ness and distractions. Eventually, activity slips down the list of importance, as we've developed other habits.

I think this is really important. Distraction or prioritization are a big problem that come with overscheduled lives. Even among the active and attending members there are issues with not reading scriptures or praying regularly. I'm very guilty of it, and I'm the ward YW president.

[Iggy]

It has been my personal experience that you can say No to callings. I have as has my husband.

When the Bishop started in with the guilt laying, I asked him: When did the Church become a church of guilt?

I know what I am capable of doing, and after conferencing with the Lord, I will then accept or reject the calling. If I say No, let it go or I will go to a different Ward/Branch.

At my last Ward (in AZ) I turned down being a VT- why? Because it was all I could do to go to work during the day. It was so hot and miserable for me. I got off work at 10 pm and the temperature was tolerable during the spring & summer- but no one wanted me to come by at 10:30 PM. I went to work at noon, and I could only tolerate one exposure to the heat in leaving my car. So work was first.

On my days off, I went grocery shopping starting at 5 am- got done at 9 am and husband had to put all the groceries away when I got home because I was a total wreck. Sunday's no one wants you to come visiting then.

The Bishop and the RS Pres gave me nothing but grief over that - we ended up going to a different ward, and then became inactive because all the wards in our stake kept the AC at 85- I couldn't physically tolerate that. Why go to church just to end up with migraines, nausea, etc?

Neither of us stopped believing in the doctrines of the Church, we just quit going to a building that was physically uncomfortable to us. Also, the building was new and I got sick from the fumes. New carpet and the stuff they saturated it with to stain proof it, and the wall paper- whew I could smell that no matter what seat I sat in. top it off it was 85 degrees in the building. Granted it was 100-120+ degrees outside, but it was still way too warm for me.

Now that I am in the Pacific NW, in an older building (the phase 3 section is 6 years old), the Branch Pres and the Facilities Maint. Person keep the thermostat at 74 degrees. When the sisters are chilled, they put on sweaters and lap afghans. They also don't toss you out the door when you bring a floor fan (tower type) and have it blowing on just the sisters who are too warm. We sit off to the side and make sure the "breeze" isn't blowing on the 'freezing sisters'. I asked if I could do that at the last Ward and you would have thought I had asked to have near naked muscle men fanning me with ostrich feathers!!

I was also asked to join the Choir- I love to sing, but I said no- why??? Because I cry when I sing hymns. For the last 9 years, there isn't a hymn I have sang that I don't cry. Oh, wait, I can sing the songs from the Children's Song Book- only a few of them make me cry.

I know my limitations, I know what I can and can not do. Please have the decency and respect to accept that and leave off with the laying on of guilt.

[Traveler]

There are many encuses but only one reason - sin.

The Traveler

[UtahJakey]

The Mormon Stories Podcast (pro-LDS) put together a presentation on why people leave the LDS church. The presentation is on youtube here

[UtahJakey]

I posted a reply on this thread earlier today and it was deleted and I'm confused. It was a youtube presentation specifically on the topic of the thread. It was from a LDS friendly source and believing members who run the Mormonstories podcast. They also run StayLDS which helps struggling people stay in the church.

So my question is was my post deleted because it somehow violated board rules or for some other reason?

UtahJakey

[pam]

Many Youtube links go under moderator review. It is currently under review.

[Last_Daze]

StayLDS is just barely pro-LDS.

[x-ed with Pam

[UtahJakey]

StayLDS is just barely pro-LDS.

Is that just an opinion or is there something specific about the site that makes you think that? Last time I checked their sole purpose was to help people struggling stay in the church.

Jakey

[Saguaro]

There are many encuses but only one reason - sin.

The Traveler

So the only reason people stop going to church is because they sin? No one is perfect, we all sin from time to time, that's why we have forgiveness and the atonement. Sinners go to church, and people who don't sin don't go to church. It's very presumptuous to assume sin is the only reason. Just from the answers so far on this thread there are many reasons why people stop going and they don't all have to do with sin.

I'll add one, sometimes people just stop believing. There may be an event in their lives or they learn something that changes the way they believe, and they lose their testimony, possibly even to the point they don't believe in God anymore.

[Saguaro]

Is that just an opinion or is there something specific about the site that makes you think that? Last time I checked their sole purpose was to help people struggling stay in the church.

Jakey

Mormon Stories and StayLDS are both the work of John Dehlin as I'm sure you know. You'll find a wide variety of opinions on him and his work on this site. Personally I enjoy the Mormon Stories podcasts, I haven't been to StayLDS for a while. I once linked to a MS podcast, can't remember which one now, and it was deleted.

[MarginOfError]

Most people who fall into inactivity have a testimony of the gospel. However, for one reason or another, they have not kept their testimony forefront in their lives. Life is full of distractions and things to keep us busy. We get so busy that we stop reading scriptures, praying, and doing the basics. From there, it is easy to skip Church on occasion, because of our busy-ness and distractions. Eventually, activity slips down the list of importance, as we've developed other habits.

With these families you are concerned about, have you asked them to share their testimonies with you? See where their testimonies of the gospel currently are. See if they are studying the scriptures daily and praying. Those two are the key to leading a person back to active Sunday attendance. You may even wish to help them set a goal to attend the temple, with all of these other things as minor goals to accomplish on the way to the big goal.

I haven't asked these families anything. Nor has anyone else in the ward. Everyone is making guesses and observations and assumptions, but no one has asked directly. Probably because of some fear of crossing a personal boundary or something. I'm not quite sure why.

In any case, I'm not convinced that simply getting a family to begin reading and praying regularly will bring them back to church. The challenge, as you put it, is to make church attendance a priority, and I doubt that church attendance is a natural consequence of prayer and scripture study.

While there may be some value to your suggestion, it's too simplistic. The other thing I don't like about it is it places all the responsibility on the inactive member. Although I recognize that it is their responsibility to return, they left for a reason, and many times, that reason has to do with the atmosphere at church. I think that again, before we start proscribing solutions that are entirely based in their action, we have to look at ourselves and evaluate if there's anything we are doing that might be inhibiting their desire to return.