Latter day saint funerals


Last_Daze
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I have never known any ex-mormon family members ever being excluded from attending a funeral. My husband and one BIL are not necessarily ex-members, they are still members in name only, but are more or less "not" members due to disbelief and inactivity and they have always been invited to attend a funeral.

Hey Maureen,

If you wrote this in response to my concerns, I need to clarify. I'm not worried at all about not being allowed to attend the funeral. I'm worried about not being allowed to help dress my mother in her temple clothes. If my mom tells me she doesn't want me to, it would be due to LDS sensibilities and I would honor that. But if she doesn't mind, I'd really like to help with it.

If you weren't referring to me, then just ignore this. :)

Elph

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You have been you- you are a very lovable person Elph, you are also a very likeable person too!

Justice isn't the only one who loves you. He is just one of the MANY who do.

I love you too :P

Those who know me here know I'm rarely at a loss for words (stop laughing!), but I admit, I am right now. I'm genuinely moved by the kindness shown to me in this thread.

Also . . . right back atchya!

Elph

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Hey Maureen,

If you wrote this in response to my concerns, I need to clarify. I'm not worried at all about not being allowed to attend the funeral. I'm worried about not being allowed to help dress my mother in her temple clothes. If my mom tells me she doesn't want me to, it would be due to LDS sensibilities and I would honor that. But if she doesn't mind, I'd really like to help with it.

If you weren't referring to me, then just ignore this. :)

Elph

Hi Elphaba, part of my post was in response to Last_Daze's post and the rest was in response to your desire to help dress your Mother in her temple clothes.

When I first learned of this ritual I was shocked because I did not grow up in a culture where that was normal. When I watched the PBS documentary The Mormons, Margaret Toscano also talked of her sadness of when she was not allowed by family members to help dress her sister when she had passed away. It was so important to her that she was devastated when she couldn't be there. I always wondered why anyone would want to dress a dead body, family or not. It's just something I could not wrap my mind around. But listening to Ms. Toscano helped me better understand that in the Mormon culture it is an honoured and treasured experience. So when you mentioned it in your post, it brought back that documentary and made me realize that the Mormon culture is so unique, at least to me.

M.

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Did you see Marie Osmond on Oprah (I can't stand Oprah but it was on while I was at the gym)

Oprah asked her about dressing her son for his funeral and she expressed how shocking that was and clearly had no clue that it is a Mormon practice. Marie stated that she did it for her mother also. Still...Oprah has no clue. She did talk about how spiritual that must've been for Marie and yada yada.

I was hoping Marie was going to say "it is a LDS practice" but she didn't go there at all.

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i've helped dress a couple of sisters (non family) and both times were a very spiritual experience. one of the sisters did not have any family. the other i was there helping a daughter dress her mother. i have no words to describe the emotions and spirit present at that time. the closest i could compare it to would be going to the temple.

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Interesting thread. Can someone address whether children are allowed? What is the custom regarding wakes. I've heard of funeral potatoes and assume you guys aren't eating them in the pews during the service.:lol:

When do you have the wake, is it in the home or at the chapel, and is there a viewing?

Washing and dressing the dead is also done among Orthodox Jews. I can see how it can be a very spiritual experience, but, especially for a loved one, I can also see wanting to opt out. I would feel it was a special, holy duty to do it for someone in the community who had no one to see to their final rites.

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With the help of my RS President, I dressed my MIL. It was spiritual- and I felt like I had helped give back my MIL's dignity. She had been horribly mistreated by her youngest son and his family. I would not have been able to dress her, had I not held a Temple Recommend.

*note to Elphaba - you won't be able to dress your mother in her temple clothes - you can call one of the temples and ask to make sure though (which is what I would do). When my own mother passed, I could not assist, as I did not have a temple recommend at that time. Also at her open casket services, her cap was removed from her head during the services, then replaced when the casket was sealed.

To the OP- pretty much any type of service you want to have is okay to have in an LDS Chapel- you can not have camera's, video taping or have a picture slide show. We had our laptop set up in the foyer with a slide show of pics of my MIL.

Whether it is an open/closed casket funeral or a memorial (which we had), it follows the same guidelines as a sacrament meeting; Greeting, hymn, prayer, eulogy,hymns/songs, opportunity for family/friends to speak, hymns/songs/musical numbers, announcement of where member will be interred(if it is to be public), announcement of food being served if all are invited (most are), closing prayer.

At my MIL service, we had a barber shop quartet sing several songs- the only two I remember are Amazing Grace and O Danny Boy- the songs were all MIL's favorites, and not necessarily hymns, and the quartet members she knew since they were all teenagers.

At another service at church, we all went outside to hear a bagpiper play at sunset. Whew!! was that ever an emotional roller coaster! We went outside because the pipes would have been overwhelming loud in the chapel.

At my older sisters service, our youngest brothers four children sang their Aunts favorite primary song, A Child's Prayer, a Capella - The oldest was 15 the youngest was 11.

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Interesting thread. Can someone address whether children are allowed? (A) What is the custom regarding wakes. (A2) I've heard of funeral potatoes and assume you guys aren't eating them in the pews during the service.:lol:(b)

When do you have the wake, is it in the home or at the chapel, and is there a viewing?©

Washing and dressing the dead is also done among Orthodox Jews. I can see how it can be a very spiritual experience, but, especially for a loved one, I can also see wanting to opt out. I would feel it was a special, holy duty to do it for someone in the community who had no one to see to their final rites.(D)

(A) At funeral/memorial services - yes if their parents want them there.

(A2) LDS don't really do wakes.

(b) After the services, the family of the deceased are generally served a meal- the funeral/memorial service is exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally for the family - and the last thing they want to do is go home and cook, or gather at a restaurant and eat - yet they are generally famished. The RS prepares & serves the food, and cleans up afterwords. The food is all pot-luck. Meaning individual sisters prepare some part of the meal. The most common potato dish is a potato casserole. There are several different ways to fix it, but it has ended up with the Funeral Potatoes name.(google it) The meal is served in the cultural hall/multi purpose room or even the RS Room. Food is never served in the Chapel.

© Again, most LDS do not have a wake.

(D) LDS do not wash the dead, they dress those deceased members who, in life, were endowed, meaning they had received their endowments in the Temple, in their temple ceremonial clothing.

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on the note to elph... i was always under the impression that only endowed current temple recommend holding members of the same gender could dress someone in their temple clothes. mostly because same gender is to respect modesty, endowed means they know how the clothes should be worn, and they understand the sacred nature of the clothing. i don't know if an exception is made for spouses but i think that could be a neat experience and allow for some good closure to losing a spouse. that being said i know non endowed can be present. in one of the cases i assisted with the funeral home was upset we wanted to dress her and they refused to assist us. it was very trying but we managed. the second one the funeral home had a female employee (non member) that was experienced in clothing the deceased. she was very respectful, stayed off to the side and observed. any time she saw we were not sure how to proceed she gave subtle instruction and did not rush us or interfere with the process at all. It was wonderful to have her present in contrast to the home that refused to assist us. there is nothing about the clothing process that violates the covenant of what should not be discussed outside the temple i don't see why any family member should be excluded beyond the fact that you don't want a crowd. it should remain sacred but i think all the daughters being present at the dressing of a mother is not unreasonable (even if they don't all "help"). also there are some clothing we wear (like the white dress) that has no sacred meaning, i don't know why anyone couldn't assist with that part.

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Did you see Marie Osmond on Oprah (I can't stand Oprah but it was on while I was at the gym)

Oprah asked her about dressing her son for his funeral and she expressed how shocking that was and clearly had no clue that it is a Mormon practice. Marie stated that she did it for her mother also. Still...Oprah has no clue. She did talk about how spiritual that must've been for Marie and yada yada.

I was hoping Marie was going to say "it is a LDS practice" but she didn't go there at all.

It's not solely LDS. My SIL (non-LDS) dressed and did the hair/makeup of her own mother (non-LDS).

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Guest mirancs8

Holding a funeral or viewing at a LDS facility will exclude (with rare exception) former excommunicated members from offering public talks or prayers. It will not exclude them from attending.

I converted from the Apostolic Orthodox denomination. In our motherland we also dress our family. However they don't do it here at all. They also keep the body in the house for about 7 days. Those 7 days people come and go to give their condolences. They still do all this overseas. Of course they live in villages so everyone is in walking distance. ;)

My question is should I pass away would my non-lds family be able to speak at my funeral. No one in my family is LDS. It crossed my mind do they let non-lds family members speak. The dressing part I'm not worried about. They wouldn't even know that was something that is done. Less said/known better.

Also after the chapel does everyone follow to the cemetery? Is there something (prayer,hymns) done there?

Great topic.

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I've never even heard of an lds funeral. Are you sure they do not allow non lds to talk or sing at such funerals? Are you also sure that you have to be lds in order to dress them in temple clothes? I'm assuming by temple clothes, you do not mean garments right? Just white shirt, white pants and tie or a white dress for a girl? I just can't imagine that being true about someone not being allowed to give a talk or sing at an lds funeral unless they are lds. If it is true though, why not just have the funeral some where else? The lds faith does not teach that the way someone is buried affects what happens to them in an after life.

Both my brother and my sisters had their funerals at a funeral home. Neither one was buried in temple clothes. My sister was buried in a white dress but they were not temple clothes. If there is one thing I learned from my sister's funeral, it's that you shouldn't try to stick loose change up a dead guy's nose in the funeral home. It doesn't matter if you think it would fit or not. It's rude or at least that's what my family told me when I tried to do it. I was younger then and it's not something I would consider doing today. Still....I sometimes wonder if it would have fit.

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I'm assuming by temple clothes, you do not mean garments right? Just white shirt, white pants and tie or a white dress for a girl? The lds faith does not teach that the way someone is buried affects what happens to them in an after life.

Both my brother and my sisters had their funerals at a funeral home. Neither one was buried in temple clothes. My sister was buried in a white dress but they were not temple clothes.

the "temple clothes" consist of the garments (worn all the time), the white dress, stockings, slip, shoes, etc (non sacred) and then the ceremonial clothes (worn only at specific times in the temple). when one dies they are buried in all of this. i see no reason why a non member couldn't help with the non sacred clothes. the only reason i see where they "couldn't" with the ceremonial clothes is that they won't know how it's supposed to be worn.

another option for ppl who have a lot of family that is not lds or are not in a situation to be dressed in their clothes is to just have the ceremonial clothes placed with them just before burial. many choose to do this. the clothes are placed in a white pouch and can be placed at their side, most wouldn't even notice it.

there is actually a teaching that suggests how someone is buried does effect what happens to them in the afterlife.... sorta.... lol where it's said or how "doctrinal" it is i'm not sure but i've heard it taught that when someone is resurrected if they will be in the celestial kingdom they will be in their ceremonial clothes. thus the "need" to have them with you when you are buried. i don't know how "correct" that teaching is but i do know the church does put a lot of importance on endowed members having their clothes with them at burial. maybe someone else can clarify or correct me on this one.

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I've never even heard of an lds funeral.

Mute, even LDS pass away. :huh:

Are you sure they do not allow non lds to talk or sing at such funerals?

As others have mentioned non-LDS can speak at an LDS funeral. At my FIL's funeral, one of his step-daughters spoke.

M.

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There's a great blog post on that, here (some of the comments to that post are very good as well).

I just wanted to thank you for posting that link. It was an amazing read for me. Not coming from an LDS family I have never know what that experience was like and I've often wondered.

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For me, being able to dress my mother was very important; a last act of love and respect. My sister and I cried throughout the process, but I cannot imagine having left that "chore" to anyone else.

I have been to many LDS funerals since moving back home. They, almost every one, have been at the grave site, not in the Church. This may be a southern "thing", I am not sure. Everyone is invited/welcome. The announcement is put in the paper, time and site. The families pick who they wish, to say a few words, say the prayers, what songs are to be sung. Near the end, anyone who wishes to speak of the deceased, is invited to do so. There are, usually, as many non-LDS as there are members.

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*note to Elphaba - you won't be able to dress your mother in her temple clothes - you can call one of the temples and ask to make sure though (which is what I would do). When my own mother passed, I could not assist, as I did not have a temple recommend at that time. Also at her open casket services, her cap was removed from her head during the services, then replaced when the casket was sealed.

Were you allowed to be there?

If it's against the rules, I won't have a problem with that. Well, that might not be entirely honest. I am much closer to my mother than anyone else in the family, and I admit, it's insulting that I, the only one who takes care of her today, would not be allowed to do so after her death.

However, I completely understand the reasons I would not be allowed to participate, and know that it would be more important to my mother that these rules be followed than that they allow an exception on my part, and her wishes are the most important thing to me.

When it actually happens, I admit, I may feel a bit slighted, but I will get over it. :)

Elphaba

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Just as a point of clarification - there's nothing written in stone that says just because you are LDS you have to have a "LDS Funeral". If you choose to have the funeral at an LDS chapel, it's subject to Priesthood direction and will need to conform to the CHI. However, if one wants to deviate from that, there's a whole world of possibilities out there.

From my personal experience - my Dad died about 8 years ago. He hadn't been active in the Church since he was 12. In all likelihood, I could have had his funeral at an LDS chapel, but chose not to...no one there would have known him and really he didn't want anything held anyway. We had a short service in Las Vegas (where he was living) for family and some of his old pilot friends. We then flew his body to Ogden, UT for burial where we had a brief graveside service just for family and I dedicated the grave. That was it.

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