How? I really just don't get it.

[SeekYourWish]

Maybe this isn't the right spot for this, maybe no one can answer it, heck maybe there isn't even a answer to this question. But, how do you become that person that that person you want to marry will want to marry? I don't feel like I should be changing who I am for someone, I mean I've always been told that people should love me for who I am. Then again in church they say you have to become the type of woman (in my case) that the man you want to marry will want to marry?

Then again, how do I know what kind of girl he'll want to marry, Boys are really confusing. Actually this whole love thing is just nuts.

Does this even make sense? I could just be blabbering nonsense that works in my head as thoughts and doesn't work in other peoples heads. Hopefully someone can help!

Thanks in advance!

[Guest xforeverxmetalx]

I always assumed that just meant from a spiritual perspective... like you'd want someone who obeys the commandments, goes to church, men have been on a mission, temple worthy, etc, and so you should be those things too. Things like personality and interests would be among those things you shouldn't have to change.

[Dravin]

I always assumed that just meant from a spiritual perspective... like you'd want someone who obeys the commandments, goes to church, men have been on a mission, temple worthy, etc, and so you should be those things too. Things like personality and interests would be among those things you shouldn't have to change.

Well some personality. If you are demanding and critical I think a legitimate case can be made for changing parts of who you are and how you behave. Or someone with an extreme temper, I think it is perfectly acceptable to advise them that they learn to control it. You may be categorizing this under spiritual which would be understandable.

Now it is legitimate to say you shouldn't have to develop a love of Star Wars, football, Mexican Food, or what have you.

But, how do you become that person that that person you want to marry will want to marry?

Generally I hear the advice as becoming the type of person who you want to marry would want to marry. As mentioned it's not like you can laser guide yourself into what someone you don't even know wants you to be and not all kinds of changes are called for, but if you want to marry someone who is kind, caring and spiritual develop those qualities in yourself. The kind, caring and spiritual are more likely to be attracted to someone who shares those traits than with someone who doesn't.

[rameumptom]

You should not change yourself for another individual. You should change/improve/develop yourself for God and you. Few want to marry an individual who doesn't grow. It is the perfect recipe for long term relationship failure, as the two people grow apart.

You should pursue self-development in many areas of your life: physical health, education, socializing, spirituality, etc. Only in doing so will you have a fulfilling life AND will be ready for that person of your dreams somewhere down the road.

If there is currently one person of your dreams and it doesn't work out, don't feel frustrated, as there will be others down the road, but only if you prepare yourself to be the best you.

[JudoMinja]

I tend to think of it in the sense that we cannot have higher expectations for our future spouse than we have for ourselves.

If I expect my future spouse to be temple worthy, I should be temple worthy as well. The same applies for any expectations. If I expect my future spouse to have good self-control, so should I. If I expect my future spouse to be forgiving of mistakes, so should I. Etc. Etc. This can apply to both spiritual and temporal expectations. For example, I would never expect my future spouse to be in peak physical condition (though it would be nice ) as I am not in the greatest physical shape myself. I would, however, expect him to have respect for his body, to eat fairly healthy, and to be physically active, as these are things I am.

Become the person you want to be for yourself and God. Then look for a spouse who wants the same things, and holds the same expectations upon himself. Never expect more of someone than you expect of yourself, as this is unfair and will lead to problems. Do not marry below your expectations either, as this will lead to disappointment. As long as your expectations are not too high (you can do it yourself), you will be able to find someone who meets those expectations.

[Just_A_Guy]

I mean I've always been told that people should love me for who I am. . . .

After you're married--sure, you need to learn a certain degree of toleration and acceptance. Because, let's face it--unless you're prepared to pull the nuclear option (divorce), you're stuck with him.

Before you're married - aim high. Most of the time, when I hear this "you should love me for who I am" line, it comes from single guys who are trying to convince gullible girls to marry/sleep with them in spite of their utter lack of principles, accomplishments, or ambition. (Or it comes from actors or musical artists. And we all know what stable, lasting relationships they tend to form . . .)

[SeekYourWish]

Wow, I'm not really sure what to say except wow and thank you of course! So many different(in my eyes) yet all the answers have the same meaning. Though I understand everything thats been said this question still lingers in my mind, I'm not quite sure why perhaps I just need to take it completely in make it something I believe instead of just listening to it. But thanks again!

[bert10]

Conditional love versus unconditional Love.

The person who lives "unconditional Love" will love you as you are and not seek to change you.

The person who lives "Conditional Love" will seek to transform you into the image of his perspective what is a perfect mate.

The Lord called "Conditional Love" Darkness. With it comes all types of fears and it leads the use of coercion or applied pressure in order to get what one wants.

"Unconditional Love" is about giving "unconditionally" and with understanding it is certainly not about receiving. Conditional Love is based on conditions in order that we should give our love. When those conditions changes which we fell in love with always happen over time in a marriage... Divorce soon comes because of conflicts, arguments, hurt feelings etc.

They who live unconditional love over time become what they think. For it is written ..."As A man thinketh so is he in his heart."

This Love will work on our mind and heart and so over time we become what is pleasing unto God. Who can resist a spouse who loves unconditionally except the most reprobate man or woman...Who can bear to leave and divorce such a one except the most wicked of men and woman. The Love of darkness must be greater in these than the Love of God.

This is how come there will be no divorce in the millennium.

bert10

Maybe this isn't the right spot for this, maybe no one can answer it, heck maybe there isn't even a answer to this question. But, how do you become that person that that person you want to marry will want to marry? I don't feel like I should be changing who I am for someone, I mean I've always been told that people should love me for who I am. Then again in church they say you have to become the type of woman (in my case) that the man you want to marry will want to marry?

Then again, how do I know what kind of girl he'll want to marry, Boys are really confusing. Actually this whole love thing is just nuts.

Does this even make sense? I could just be blabbering nonsense that works in my head as thoughts and doesn't work in other peoples heads. Hopefully someone can help!

Thanks in advance!

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think most people are ill-prepared to select a mate -- at least, I was.

Here are the steps I recommend after facing the school of hard knocks and realizing I made a less-than-stellar decision about who to marry:

a) Don't try to change yourself. Instead, Find out YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS. Find out your top three needs, which will tend to be from this list below (although there a certainly others not on this list). Find them out by watching for their emergence in your dating relationship, and what makes sense to you. You can also find your assumptions about married life by looking at how your Mom and Dad (if you were raised in a nuclear family) interacted and who did what in your household. This might help you pick your top three from this list.

Physically Attractive Spouse

Conversation

Affection

Recreational Companionship

Financial Support

Admiration

Family Commitment (helps with rearing the family)

Domestic Support (help with housework and jobs around the house)

Sexual Fulfillment

Honesty and Openness

(I will add another -- Same Religion)

b) Find out whether your intended spouse NATURALLY meets your needs, without having to change. Some will be hard to judge, like sexual fulfillment if you are committed to the law of Chastity like most LDS people before marriage, although you can talk about it beforehand and get some idea. The others -- look at the habits of your spouse as they live their lives, how things worked in their natural family, and spend a lot of time with them with their natural family. You will get an idea of how well they are likely to meet your needs.

c) If there is a mismatch between you needs, and the needs you spouse meets naturally, without changing, keep looking for a different spouse. It might hurt because you might like certain things about your spouse that aren't on the list, but trust me, certain things have no lasting impact when your needs go unmet for a long time.

I will post the second half of the equation below -- determining how well you meet the needs of your intended spouse naturally, without changing.

Edited December 13, 2010 by mormonmusic

[Guest mormonmusic]

The second half of the equation is to find out how well you meet the needs of your intended spouse, by simply being who you are. Do this:

1. Identify their top 3 needs from the list above. You can find them out by watching his or her family, seeing the roles their mother or father take in his family, as well as their socio-economic lifestyle. Speak explicitly about his or her expectations of you when married using the list above as a guide. Really look hard at the things you do that upset him or her during dating. Talk openly about sex and determine their level of interest. Boil this all down to his or her top 3 needs.

2. Assess how well you naturally meet those needs, without changing yourself. Again, look at you family life, you natural desires, your interest in things that are truly important to him or her. Try not to be "seduced" by charimatic parts of their personality or an over-emphasis on their ability to meet one of your needs, like good looks, wealth, etcetera.

3. If there is a strong mismatch between his needs, and your natural interest or skills in meeting them, then look for a different spouse.

Believe me, if you want a successful marriage, you will have many decades with the person. And it will be a huge grind when that person is always at you about things he or she wants you to do, that you have no desire to do. You might do them for a while for the sake of your marriage, but then resent it, hate it, etcetera, and its best to find the best match possible with your needs and your spouse's needs. Their charismatic personality or ability to make you laugh may well fade in comparison to the grind of conflict unmet needs can create. Trust me -- I've been there.

My source is based on the ideas here .Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice which are focused on already-married couples. However, I think what I've written is a fair adaptation to people seeking a spouse.

By the way, I have a marriage that ranges between a 7 and a 9 after figuring out what makes it tick. I'm OK with it now, but I have to confess, for well over a decade it was absolute torment. I wish I had known the pattern for choosing a mate above when I was looking for a marriage partner, but no one could tell me....

Edited December 13, 2010 by mormonmusic