I don't really know what to do or why I struggle

[rengh]

A lot is going on in my life, and I have a hard time feeling or showing emotion. My parents are getting divorced after 25 or so happy years and 4 bad years. My dad cheated on my mom, moved out of state to work (couldnt stay here), and eventually stopped caring about repenting/coming back to the church etc. He now flirts and has a girlfriend and is even thinking about buying a house down there before the divorce is even finalized. My mom tries to protect me from this information, but needless to say he is choosing a different lifestyle.

He has been my main support through my life--I have never been able to talk to my mom like I talk to my dad. I havent told either of them anything personal for many years, I tell all of that to my friend. Anyways, the fact that I do not feel fully in the church makes this worse. I go, but have been addicted to porn for a while and repented many times, and only do it maybe once or twice a month, sometimes once every few months, but am afraid of going to the bishop now. I dont know why, maybe because of things I have seen while looking at porn that make me feel even worse. I dont feel a trust to talk to my bishop about it. Some things I have seen involve pictures of fyoung teenagers, not child pornography, as in all legal stuff, but I feel so ashamed that I feel like I will never tell anyone and thus never be to the point where I will have a chance at exaltation when I die.

I feel like my hope of salvation is lost and basically I cant talk to anyone about it. I feel like my family is now apart, and I do not feel like I can talk to my mom, and certainly not my dad now.

THanks for listening :) I just wish I could go back in time and make everything right.

[pam]

Some things I have seen involve pictures of fyoung teenagers, not child pornography, as in all legal stuff

This part concerns me.

[tubaloth]

I agree with PAM. Where is your life going. What is your foundation built on? Is your foundation on your Dad's Testimony?

Do you do what you should be doing, you know Read the Scriptures, Go to Church, Keep the commandments. It really is that simple. Its so simple people look beyond it. Are you talking to Bishop about your pornography problem (which sounds like its getting worst).

It almost sounds like you don't know where to turn, and in result are trying to deal with all of this by yourself. That isn't what is expected of you. God wants to be a part of your life. You have to let Him in and follow him. Talk to your bishop about these concerns. Some things we can't control. We can only control how they effect us. If you keep it all in, its not going to work. You need more then a web site to post your problems.

[rengh]

I do not feel comfortable talking to anyone about my problem and I do not know why. I have talked to my bishop about porn before and go a few months without having a problem and then get bored and bam. I dont really feel like I have a living testimony--i know it is all true, but i dont feel it. I feel bored in church, praying, reading the scriptures all feel boring and unhelpful.

[janetj1017]

rengh, I know exactly how you feel! You, logically know it's true, I mean, it's so simple, right? But you don't feel it...inside. You should feel something right? It's the absense of the HG. I have gone through a similar thing and unfortunately you cannot have him as a companion and comforter when you are not living you life in accordance with the Gospel. I know it's hard, but think about it this way....you know it's true right?, and when we find the truth we are asked to act, so act. Pray that you will have the courage to act, and the desire to act, and the will to act. HF knows your heart and will see your sincere efforts. I have been where you are, and trust me, inactivity is no fun at all. Whatever you think you feel right now is nothing compare to how you will feel if you fall away. And it is so much harder to come back than it is to work through it. You can do this, because you wouldn't be going through it if you couldn't. Trust in what you know to be true and then act. Talk to your Bishop, I promise you will feel the sweet peace of relief and you will be glad you did. Good luck!

[sweetiepie]

You don't have to tell the bishop about what kind of porn you watch, right? Just the fact that you are struggling with it. I think feeling ashamed is a very normal part of those who struggle with this addiction, and yes, even if it is every other month or whatever, it is an addiction. You should look into the church's addiction program, and I think you would find it healing for all the facets of your life you are struggling with right now, as well as find some other people to talk to with the same struggles.

[Bini]

You don't have to tell the bishop about what kind of porn you watch, right? Just the fact that you are struggling with it. I think feeling ashamed is a very normal part of those who struggle with this addiction, and yes, even if it is every other month or whatever, it is an addiction. You should look into the church's addiction program, and I think you would find it healing for all the facets of your life you are struggling with right now, as well as find some other people to talk to with the same struggles.

He did say "young teenagers", which I find, a bit confusing. So-called "legal stuff" (at least here in the US) would refer to adults 18-years of age and plus. Not younger. So maybe some clarification on what the OP means by "young teenagers". If he/she has viewed pornographic images of teens under 18 — that qualifies as child pornography, and in which case, is more of a legal matter. It's against the law to engage in child porn.

[rengh]

What I mean by what I said is that I have not looked at anything illegal. Sometimes I haved looked at nudist sites which include pictures of nude people of all ages, some children or teenagers and still be legal. I have also verged into looking at sites of teens in bikinis or boys with shirts off etc. This is the only place I have said that outloud, well in message forum.

I just don't know how to say that and not feel like I have no hope and not feel judged every time the bishop looks at me and not think he thinks I am a evil pedophile.

[IAmTheWork]

@rengh; This is a very difficult topic for anyone in the church, but it's a difficult topic for those not in the church too.

Unless there's something biologically wrong with us we all have sexual desires. Some more so, some less. You don't mention your age, but if you're under Methuselah's age then you'll have hormones playing a large part in keeping your curiosity alive! And even older people still have mental attachment to beauty, love, and an inner desire for physical closeness even if sex is only a memory.

I think that the reactions, or expected reactions, of others don't help at times. You get responses like, "Repent, repent!" or, "It'll be ok, just study, pray and take cold showers", or whatever. In your bored moments when you have the opportunity to look at porn, that doesn't help, does it?

For me, porn is boring. Not that it always was, but it quickly became so when I realised a few simple truths. One is that it's a stimulation of sexual desires we have naturally, and continuing in it for even moments can awaken powerful urges which only some sort of sexual activity can give release from in the short term. The problem with this is that we're conditional animals in one sense.

As Pavlov proved with the dog, and awful experiments as well as careful research on humans has shown, when we repeat behaviour it becomes programmed into us, and we want to keep repeating it. Why do you think there are church hymns and programmes of behaviour? Why are there ritual patterns of behaviour in all walks of life? It's not just about worship, or something comforting, or organisationally needful, it's also about conditioning ourselves into accepted modes of behaviour. (Some good books on psychology and sociology are worth a read).

So what does this have to do with 'porn addiction'? Well, if you watch porn and masturbate, as well as the guilt-trip you're lining yourself up for afterwards, and feeling like you're even further away from the lord, you're also conditioning your body and mind to follow the same pattern of behaviour. One of the main problems with this pattern of behaviour is that it's NOT the pattern of behaviour you want to come into play, or be a constant urge in the back of your mind, when you're with a loving sexual partner.

I heard of a man, some years ago, who could only get a sexual release with his wife by making her sit in a chair naked, while he shone a torch on her and brought himself to a climax. How sad is that?! Poor guy, and poor woman too. Married in the temple, expecting bliss in life as well as beyond it, and that's how their cosy nights were spent. I didn't condemn him, but could see how such warped behaviour could happen. Not that I'm saying you'll go that way, but there is at least one other thread about sexual urges and porn on these forums (and darned healthy it is to be able to discuss it in a respectful way, too).

I'm not shocked by porn, but I don't bother looking for it either, and I've been celibate for more than six years. What, no urges..? Sure, but when I see porn, all I see are people trying to make easy money, women 'enhancing' (ie., wrecking) their bodies to conform to very twisted expectations, and even worse, people being humiliated and abused even if they mostly appear to be willing participants.

I don't know all the answers. Some say that if sex were much more open and easy to access then people wouldn't be so messed up. Some say everything should be hidden away behind closed doors. Nothing people try seems to work, so may I suggest that when Christ said live a good, kind and loving life, he meant to treat ourselves well, and care for others so that we can have decent and honest relationships.

I agree that talking to your bishop further may help, but perhaps make it a bit on your terms too, so you don't feel so humiliated in doing so. He'll understand if he's a half decent guy and a half decent bishop. Some people in church feel downtrodden because they've given away all of their own power to authority, but there's no need to fight; just ask and it shall be given. Ask if he'll spend an hour with you somewhere away from the chapel, maybe go for a walk, or whatever. Ask him to share his thoughts and feelings from when he was in the throes of desire, and see what he offers.

More importantly - and I mean this honestly - sit quietly and ask the lord and the spirit. Ask to be given feelings and intuition about the part sex plays in our lives. Even ask the lord what he felt when as a young man he saw some achingly beautiful young woman's skirts blow up in the wind on a warm day. Seriously; the lord is not some unapproachable, untouchable being who finds our earthly lives too distasteful to consider any more. You may even get spiritual promptings which make you laugh - I know I have at times!

A long post - sorry, got my typing fingers on today. :)

[pam]

I contacted a friend of mine who is in the law enforcement business and teaches criminal justice classes here in Utah what his take was on pictures of children and teenagers at nudist colonies.

His response. Legal to take but illegal to post or share.

[Guest]

Boredom. Yeah, that's a killer.

My kids are 7 and 9 and when they got their first taste of video games, all the other things become boring. The very fast action and visual stimulation of a video game is hard to beat - even with a really good book. So, I've been trying to figure out how to channel the kids' energies so that they won't be dependent on video games/tv/movies for stimulation. The answer - SPORTS!

I will say the same to you. Get out there and play something - baseball, basketball, soccer, mixed martial arts... and really get immersed in it. That will take care of the boredom.

Now, all the others have very good answers as for all the other stuff going on in your life.

[Netgood]

I contacted a friend of mine who is in the law enforcement business and teaches criminal justice classes here in Utah what his take was on pictures of children and teenagers at nudist colonies.

His response. Legal to take but illegal to post or share.

People post their naked children in the bath all the time.

[pam]

I'm sure there will be a law about that someday too. Who knows?

I responded concerning the nudist colony since that was what the OP mentioned.

[zippy_do46]

You might also try to do something for others. I would suggest that you ask the Bishop if there are some older brothers or sisters that might need some help. Raking a yard, putting up storm windows, or those chores that these older people might have to hire someone to do. Doing these things for free will boast yourself esteen. Sometimes when we stop thinking of just "me"we can get pass a lot of problems.

[jellybelly]

I am so sorry to hear about your family - I am a child of divorce and I understand a little about what it is like to see a marriage (especially that of your parents) end. I'm not going to get into the specifics of your pornography problem, but what I will say is this:

By recognizing that where you are is NOT where you want to be - that right there is a step in the right direction. Maybe you could find something to do that is productive or takes your mind off of pornography when you want to look at it. Taking a walk, cleaning something, etc.

Also, for now, narrow your focus a little bit. It seems daunting to say that you will never look at those images again. For example, instead of saying "I want to have a temple recommend," say "I just have to get through today (or this week) without looking at pornography." it is much easier to be successful if you make smaller goals for yourself to start with.

As for Church being boring, I understand you completely. But this is just one more way that Satan tries to get us to turn our backs on the Church. Try reading articles and scriptures on repentance and see how you feel. I was having a hard time in the Church not too long ago, and I promise you that as I got better and better, Church got less and less boring and dull.

[Radio_Religion]

While I won't comment on your addiction or family situation, I can totally relate to you in the lack of testimony and boredom categories. I want to have a testimony and I want to enjoy church and meet new people. My problem is that I struggle to read my scriptures and pray. I'm also finding that I don't really connect with anyone in my singles ward and usually end up heading for the door as soon as sacrament meeting is over. I feel so different from most of the members I meet that I often question why I even bother. I'm not a typical member and sometimes it feels like its a fraternity I do not belong too.

Years of inactivity have made attending church and living the gospel an extremely difficult part of my life. As of right now, I do not have a testimony. I'm working on it - slowly but surely. I know what it feels like to get bored sitting in Sunday School and just wanting to leave. Even though I have a hard time following my own advice, just try and stick with it.

There's a reason I'm trying to comeback.

Lord knows I'm not doing this to punish myself :)

[Vanhin]

Satan tells us two big lies. First, he tries to convince us that to sin is okay, or just once won't hurt (2 Ne. 28:8). Then once we are stuck in a life of sin, he tells us that we have gone too far and that we cannot repent enough. They are lies, plain and simple.

Are There Points of No Return in Our Lives?

Satan, “the father of all lies” (2 Nephi 2:18), “the father of contention” (3 Nephi 11:29), “the author of all sin” (Helaman 6:30), and the “enemy unto God” (Moroni 7:12), uses the forces of evil to convince us that this concept applies whenever we have sinned. The scriptures call him the “accuser” because he wants us to feel that we are beyond forgiveness (see Revelation 2:10). Satan wants us to think that when we have sinned we have gone past a “point of no return”—that it is too late to change our course.

...

My dear young friends, when the captain of a long-range jet passes the point of safe return, and the headwinds are too strong or the cruising altitudes too low, he might be forced to divert to an airport other than his planned destination. This is not so in our journey through life back to our heavenly home. Wherever you find yourselves on this journey through life, whatever trials you may face, there is always a point of safe return; there is always hope. You are the captain of your life, and God has prepared a plan to bring you safely back to Him, to your divine destination.

(LDS.org - New Era Article - Is There a Point of No Return?)

I submit that whatever it is that one might have done, anything you can think of - even if you think you have blasphemed against God, and you still have a desire to return, do not give in. Sure, you might suffer the consequences of your sins, but I would not stop crying unto the Lord for forgiveness, and I would not stop trying to change my heart and make restitution before that great day of jugement, when we will be raised up and brought before the judgement seat of God. Whatever your final resting place will be, you are not going to be any worse off for trying to repent. :)

Have faith in Jesus Christ and in his Atonement. Believe that it is sufficient to save even you from your sins, on conditions of full repentance, and then devote your life to working out your salvation with fear and trembling before the Lord.

Remember the murderous people who became Anti-Nephi-Lehi, who once converted, buried their weapons of war so that they would never use them to shed the blood of their brethren again. You too can bury your weapons of war, and demonstrate to God you willingness to avoid the sin that plagues you now.

We need a strong faith in Christ to be able to repent. Our faith has to include a “correct idea of [God’s] character, perfections, and attributes” (Lectures on Faith [1985], 38). If we believe that God knows all things, is loving, and is merciful, we will be able to put our trust in Him for our salvation without wavering. Faith in Christ will change our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that are not in harmony with God’s will.

True repentance brings us back to doing what is right. To truly repent we must recognize our sins and feel remorse, or godly sorrow, and confess those sins to God. If our sins are serious, we must also confess them to our authorized priesthood leader. We need to ask God for forgiveness and do all we can to correct whatever harm our actions may have caused. Repentance means a change of mind and heart—we stop doing things that are wrong, and we start doing things that are right. It brings us a fresh attitude toward God, oneself, and life in general.

(LDS.org - New Era Article - Is There a Point of No Return?)

Regards,

Vanhin