Ready for Dating


morningflower
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Guest mirancs8

It's so uncomfortable isn't it? I have found out very quickly that LDS men (I've met) have no concept of how to actually date. It's funny from someone who's a convert. I'm almost tempted to offer to teach a class lol. That will be the first thing you might notice.

I think in our age range (mid-singles) there aren't many single LDS men (OK correction desirable single men). I live in a very populated LDS community and we only have like nil single brothers in my Ward! I'd say try the online thing. I say it's so so but for some it works great. Besides the guy who was one speedo away from being buck naked on his profile picture I'd say there were some real classy LDS guys on there :eek:.

I felt a bit shy too when I went to my first mid-singles fireside, but before I knew it someone sat next to me and we've maintained a wonderful friendship. You'll make friends there quick. Go to the stake level and find your singles contact person. You can find them online via lds.org (you have to login). Introduce yourself and ask them if they have a site area where they keep the events. We have a mid-singles ward nearby that has their own website and such. Also on Facebook they have a group for mid-singles and if you join the one that is nearest to you they will send you invites and such to events etc.

Once you do it you'll feel more and more comfortable with it. I just enjoy meeting others and getting out. I've been to some great firesides as well which do a mingle afterward.

You'll do great! Just put on a smile and have fun.

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mirancs8: "I have found out very quickly that LDS men (I've met) have no concept of how to actually date."

I find this very amusing. It makes me laugh (in a good way). So how should an LDS man "actually date"? Being a single LDS man myself I am curious. I also could use all the help I can get. :)

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Guest mirancs8

Sorry didn't know how else to word it ;) I'm not saying all of them of course but a good portion of them. A couple of other single sisters that I speak to agreed to my theory. Again it's not all of the men. I find it funny too not in a bad way. I guess because I don't get it, or is it because I don't understand how LDS men think.

This is my theory. They are terrified to actually "date" because they assume that if in anyway they are in a relationship with you that marriage is a given. I'm not talking about taking her on a few dates to see if you two click. No. I'm talking about actually dating. The point between the first few dates and committing seriously enough that marriage is in view. It's goes from a few dates to either "we're serious now" or "it didn't work out". It seems so fast from the point that he thinks she's a catch (she as well) to the we're serious now/almost engaged phase. This could all happen within a few months!

What's even more surprising to me is once they reach the "we're serious now" phase how quickly the women accept it. I am starting to wonder if it's because of the ratio of single men versus single women (I'm talking mid-singles in AZ since I don't know other states how it is). I went to a party and it was something like 5 women to 1 man!! Does this make women more willing to bend just to secure a man?

Truth be told people change over time. As they get more and more comfortable being with you they start to let their guard down. He/she is not going to always be nice, thoughtful, caring, loving, even tempered, and such. You are not exempt from these things just because you are in the "gaga" phase of your relationship.

I think marriage is great. I think committing to each other is terrific. However the race to that point seems terribly fast. If you just got out of a marriage that was years of disappointment and unhappiness how is it that within months you are locking and loading? Explain to me why men do this? Seriously I'd love to know. I know why women do it but I have no clue what motivates men.

Maybe you and I can learn from each other :D

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Mmm. Where do I start??? :) I feel like I am answering for all LDS men everywhere (a lot of presure here). :) No, in all seriousness let me see what I can come up with to answer your question first and then I can move on to your so called "theory". ;)

In regards to your question of "If you just got out of a marriage that was years of disappointment and unhappiness how is it that within months you are locking and loading?" I can only answer for myself, but I can throw out a few "theories" of my own regarding other guys . I honestly don't have a lot of single friends let alone only ones trying to get married (I am in Oregon and the single scene here is a little.......slow at best where I am at) and that is why I am can't speak for other guys.

As for me and my situation though I am not in any rush to remarry, but I know I want to. My x left about 9 months ago and the divorce was finalized 6 month ago. I started to date again soon after the divorce was finalized. Why did I date so soon after the seperation and the divorce....Maybe it was a way to move on. I think a big chunk of it was the fact that things had been tough and difficult in my marriage for a few years due to choices of one person. therefore, when it was over, it wasn't like I was suprised or anything like that and I was ready to move on to a new life. How can I word it better. If you see the end coming or possible end coming you are not supprised when it happens and therefore it is not as hard to move on.

Let me put it this way, if everything was nice and rosy in my marriage and then one day out of the blue my wife were to come to me and say she wanted a divorce, I would be shocked and hurt because I wasn't expecting it. It would also make it a lot harder to move on, don't you agree. However if we were having problems in our marriage for years and I could see the writing on the wall, then it wouldn't be such a suprise if my wife were to come to me and say she wanted a divorce and it also wouldn't be as hard to move on.

I realized my marriage didn't work due to in large part the choices of one person. I am not trying to say I am perfect by any means, but you get my point. I saw the writting on the wall and when it was over I was ready to move on and therefore started to date again soon thereafter because I still believed in marriage and knew / know that is what I want long term.

Now in regards to these guys getting remarried soon thereafter that is an other issue. I am not there yet so I don't know. Like I said, I am not in any rush, but I am dating. I would like to think that I wouldn't rush it if I do start dating someone serious, but wouldn't be suprised if things did happen somewhat quicker than people outside of the church. The reason why I say this (and this is part of my "theory"), is that I have a better idea as to what I am looking for in a potential wife. I mean I have a much clearer picture now than when I was in my 20s, when I first married, of what type of woman I want to marry and the qualities I am looking for. So I will be able to tell sooner than later if she will be a good fit or not.

As for me personally, I see the steps in dating like this. 1. Go on a few dates to see if you "click". For me personally I also look to see if the person has the qualities I am looking for in a wife. If the person doesn't then there is no point to move on. 2 If you "click" then start to date and hang out more and then get serious if things progress. By serious I mean exclusive dating, not necessarially meaning you are going to marry but exclusive. 3. Then "date" as you put it and get to know each other better. Like you said people change once they get to know them and you get to know the person better. 4. Eventually you (the couple) will get to a point that they will decided whether marriage is in the cards in the long term and wil decided from there to stay together or move on. Again this just me.

So....as for these guys remarrying soon after getting out of marriage my theories are this - 1. The guy may have been in a tough marriage and didn't receive the attention or connection with his wife that he wanted and so he moved on quicker to get that attention. Remember... if a guy is in a marriage where he is not receiving the attention or affection he wants, when it is over and someone else then shows him the attention he wants he will most likely jump at it. He will say "There is someone else out there that loves me or wants to be with me" and therefore jumps at the opportunity to be with that person. Even guy need to be wanted. 2.He may have a clearer picture as to what he wants (from being in a prior marriage that didn't work out) and so they are able to move quicker when it comes to dating and remarriage. 3. Like in my situation if the marriage was tough and he could see the writing on the wall then when the seperation does happen it probably isn't as tough to move on for the guy. 4. The guy may just be horny and needs to move on and get married before he get's himself into trouble if you know what I mean. ;) These are only my theories though, so take it as that.

You said you know why women move on quickly after getting out of long tough marriage and so I am curious about that. Do tell. :)

As for your theory, I need to ask a question. Is your issue with the fact that guys don't "date" (as in getting to know the person better) because they are afraid the relationship may mean marriage or do you have issue with the fact the courtship / dating isn't long enough. The reason why I make this distinction is because I guess I see those as two different issues. Some guys just don't "date" because they have commitment issues and think that marriage is implied if they date seriously, which is seperate from the length of the "dating" / courtship process. Does that make sense or am I just splitting hairs?

There are other threads discussing the appropriate courtship length so I don't want to go into that. However just in short, the courtship process tends to be shorter in the church because we are encouraged to marry and that is the main goal of most singles in the church. With that goal in mind, the end (marriage) tends to come quicker (ie shorter courtship). Where as outside the church (please correct me if I am wrong) people tend to date for fun and to get to know people better. My guess is that marriage is a second thought once the couple has been together long enough and they think maybe it is time we get married.

OK this response is long enough. Hopefully this helps. I am curious as to your thoughts.

Edited by PV2004
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Guest mirancs8

You said you know why women move on quickly after getting out of long tough marriage and so I am curious about that. Do tell.

As for your theory, I need to ask a question. Is your issue with the fact that guys don't "date" (as in getting to know the person better) because they are afraid the relationship may mean marriage or do you have issue with the fact the courtship / dating isn't long enough. The reason why I make this distinction is because I guess I see those as two different issues. Some guys just don't "date" because they have commitment issues and think that marriage is implied if they date seriously, which is seperate from the length of the "dating" / courtship process. Does that make sense or am I just splitting hairs?

Thank you for your response and answering my question.

Why women move on quickly after getting out of a long tough marriage was your question. I can only speak for myself and also from being around other women in the same situation. Women when they get divorced they suddenly feel emptiness. They feel like something is missing. Sure they might have kids to take care of but being a wife fulfills a different part of a woman’s purpose in her life. She wants to fill that void. She wants to be needed again. We want to feel loved by our husband. There is a void. Period.

After you've been married for 12+ years that void isn't a nice feeling.

I am starting to think that there are women out there that jump to marriage very quickly because they really believe this is the only option. He's the only one who came into my life at the right time and filled that void. He made me feel special and loved. Just seeing the ratio gap men versus women I can see why women jump so quickly. There seems to be many more women than men who are single. Not enough supply for the demand?

I meet very nice men but I would never at this point say "ow yes if he asked me tomorrow I would say yes to getting married to him." No. I need to spend time really getting to know him. How do I know he's just not being everything I want him to be because its to early and he's feeding me what he knows I want to hear/see. How do I know he is being genuinely honest about who he is? How can I trust that he will be as committed as I am to the faith? How can I trust that he won't cheat on me? How can I trust he won't choose porn over me?

For this, I need TIME. Wait it out and see what comes to the surface. Eventually he/she will tire of you and let down the guard. That's the side I want to see.

You asked "Is your issue with the fact that guys don't "date" (as in getting to know the person better) because they are afraid the relationship may mean marriage or do you have issue with the fact the courtship / dating isn't long enough."

My issue is they don't date enough to give it time to get to know someone well enough. I don't think there is some strict time line, but I hear of some who date for 2-3 months, engaged 1 month and then married. See I did this same thing when I got married and see where I landed!! There is a lesson to be learned and that is you need to give it whatever time it will take to know all sides of someone. Marriage is a huge commitment. If your marriage failed the first time don't you think you owe it to you, your children, and the person who you intend on marrying to give it time. Sure I'm excited to be married one day but I sure am not going to lock and load 2 months into knowing someone. He has to be my best friend not just some guy who I feel tingly butterflies for. No it has to be a solid base.

What I'm trying to say is when your marriage failed I would think you would be much more careful to give it time. Both men and women seem to feel a great sense of urgency to fill these voids. I say instead of just filling it take the time and have confidence in our HF that no matter if it’s 2 months or 2 years that there is a person for you. It might even happen when you’re not even looking :D

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Given the direction this post has turned, and as advice that may be applicable to the OP, there is a book I would suggest: Finding the Right One After Divorce. It has been valuable to me in making sure I'm not making a mistake in re-entering the dating field.

The authors walk through 13 common mistakes that people make in partner selection after divorce. The common thread running through each mistake is the motivation is 'fixing' something. Fixing finances, fixing loneliness, filling an emotional hole, etc, etc.

The authors are very clear that it is dangerous to move on too quickly. A person may be over their divorce, may mostly be ready, but one or two pressures can cause them to make poor decisions. One line that particularly caught my attention is: "When you have recovered from your divorce and you're so okay on your own that you don't need to get remarried, you will then be in a good position to know when you're ready."

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I am ready for dating but there is two things.

1. there are no single guys in my ward

2.I am kind of shy

3.don't know much about dating

would love to get any advice.;)

Personally, I have found online dating beneficial. You are not limited to your ward, everyone there is there for the same reason, and you don't need to know much about dating. There is a thread here on .net about the various dating services, some of which cater to LDS only.

The one biggest piece of advice I can give is: Be yourself. Be true to yourself, don't try to put on a facade, and dating will then come easier, and have a greater chance of positive results.

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For those who read my posts, they know me as the anti-date girl. LOL.

No, I'm not really anti-date. But, when I was single, I didn't date. I find the idea of dating so phony and idiotic. I go by the principle that to really get to know somebody, you need to first be friends. Good friends. Like, you know, hey, I just ran out of febreeze, my mother is arriving any minute, and she's going to freak when she smells gym socks when she walks in the door, can you loan me some? kind of friends.

When you're dating, you usually hide the fact that your place smells like gym sock most of the time... so that you fall in love with this person not knowing you'll have to put up with that gym sock smell when you get married.

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Woops. I didn't really answer the question...

So, to the OP. Make lots of friends! Then see if any one of them are worth getting serious over. This usually means you'll need to be out there attending activities and such where you meet cool people you can hang out with.

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I think in our age range (mid-singles) there aren't many single LDS men (OK correction desirable single men).

What does one have to do to fall in to the "desirable" category? I have seen people so picky about who they want they are borderline OCD, so it makes me curious as to what i need to aspire too.

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A few quick thoughts:

Have a testimony--be a faithful, temple worthy priesthood holder.

Have a stable job or working for such. Doesn't have to be a professional type, but working part time at McDonald's while living in Mom/Dad's basement doesn't impress women. However, if you are that person, then I would expect you to also be attending some type of school or trade school to improve your job potential.

Be able to talk about more things besides sports, or video games, or some other obsessive hobby.

Have real manners--even when not with your date. True gentlemen are such with all people regardless of romantic interest.

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Guest mirancs8

What does one have to do to fall in to the "desirable" category? I have seen people so picky about who they want they are borderline OCD, so it makes me curious as to what i need to aspire too.

I look at desirable and picky as two different things. Desirable is like what beefchi listed. Picky is when you take every tiny thing and make it an issue. Picky is when you find fault in everything about someone (not taking the bad with the good?). Desirable would be things that match your traits.

For example he/she has a great appreciation for Art and enjoy going to an Art Museum. A desire would be to find someone with that same interest. It would be picky to say he/she appreciates art, but doesn't go to museums on a frequent basis so I can't be with someone like that.

If I prefer to go to the gym every night to work out it would be desirable to have someone who shares that in common. Picky would be I go every night to the gym but he goes occasionally but opts to do other physical activities. I can't have someone who isn't disciplined like I am with going to the gym every night like I do.

Desirable would be I want someone who is within my denomination. Picky would be he/she must be LDS and should have no track record of not being a perfect saint. He/she should serve their calling perfectly (how I define perfection), accept every calling no matter what, not have a past or failures, etc.

These are just examples. Because we are each different our desires will differ. You are who you are and you will eventually match up to someone for whom your desires match up. ;)

My advice... DON'T SETTLE just to fill the void. You deserve joy and happiness (and peace) in your life here and in eternity.

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All this talk of desirable and picky make me wonder if I fall into the "desirable single men" category or some other category. LOL :) Let me see. In following beeche's list, I have a testimony, go to church ,go to the temple (only once a month though), have stable job, my own place to live, responsible for two little girls, and I personally believe I can talk about more than just sports. I guess I am doing OK??? :)

I do have to say I agree with Saldrin. There are plenty of middle singles who are rather picky and that is why I think they are still single. I would say to Saldrin stay away from those types. They are not worth the effort. But I also agree with mirancs8. Don't settle just to fill the void. To the women out that, that is just so unattractive. I don't know. To me if you settle you are comprimising your values and are not showing faith. However, desirability is in the eye of the beholder. I guess it can be a fine line sometimes (picky verses holding out for what your interpretation of desirability is).

Edited by PV2004
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  • 7 months later...

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