I know I will die alone.


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I know it sounds a little dramatic to say so but that is what I believe now. I would love to say I am ok with it but I can't. Let me tell you a story. I got married when I was 22 to a flawed but good woman. We were both in very difficult times in our lives. Even though she is definitely a woman that likes sex she is not what I would call affectionate. She would get mad at me if I even touched her when the kids were in the room. Still, we spent the next 14 years making six kids and fighting and hating each other on what seemed an almost daily basis. That is not to say that there weren't good times but somehow everything that went wrong always ended up being my fault. I would beg my wife to go to marriage counseling with me but she would respond that the problems in our marriage were my fault and if I just went and fixed myself then everything would be perfect. After a while I guess I just got sick of being told how bad I was.

About 4 months ago I admit that I was starved for affection. I really felt no love for my wife anymore and so desired to be loved and cared about. I had even made out my "escape" plan that would have me divorcing her in about 5 years (when our youngest went to school). I wanted to stay with her as long as possible for my kids. One day I decided I would go looking for the affection I was so craving. I never really thought I would find it but sadly I did. I met a girl that was just as love starved as I was. We ended up sleeping together, once. I know the number of times does not really matter but I want to say that it was brief and I knew right away that I had made a terrible mistake. I immediately went to my Bishop. I want to say strongly that no matter what my wife and I were going through it was NO excuse for what I did. More importantly, I should have considered the innocent victims here, my kids. But I didn't. I was selfish and only thought of what I wanted. Well, my Bishop told me I had to come clean to my wife, which I did. She of course sent me packing.

Now I am separated, living alone and hated. My wife looks at me like I am the scum you accumulate on your shoes in a New York subway. My oldest son barely talks to me anymore. I have co-workers that have been like angels to me but they tell me that I am now "damaged goods" and can expect to be alone for life. I have been disfellowshipped and frankly hate the fact that I wake up each day. But I have a responsibility to make sure that my kids have a roof over their head and food in their mouths. I love them and I miss them. I have begged my wife's forgiveness but I doubt that will ever come. If there is anyone that reads this post that is considering cheating on your spouse, DONT! No matter if you are successful in finding what you think you want, you will lose. And trust me when I tell you that you can’t imagine just how much you have to lose. You can't imagine the guilt and the pain you will feel. Godly sorrow is not a feeling you want to experience.

As I am LDS I am an outcast. Being separated is the biggest "no man's land" you can imagine. Because I am only separated girls won’t talk to me. And I am not looking for a date just someone to talk to. Guys my age are married and have lives of their own. I thought I felt alone before this, the loneliness I have experienced since has made before look like a party. But I will go on because I have to. I know that God will forgive me in time and with hard work but I doubt mankind ever will. How I would ever explain this to a possible future spouse helps me to know that I WILL be alone for the rest of my life. Again, don't do it.

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Let me add that when I say she is flawed be assured that I am hugely flawed myself. I deal with depression and anxiety and I know that was very hard for her to deal with. I would give anything to go back and change what I did. Like I said above, you may even think you know what you have to lose. But you don't.

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I have been in your situation, however, on the receiving end. Infidelity hurts everyone, maybe not immediately but certainly the consequences will show themselves. I wish you success through your repentance process and know that the Lord loves you unconditionally. It's hard to gain trust back after breaking it. While you can't change how your wife or children feel about you, you CAN make changes within yourself. Make those changes and you'll begin to feel less burdened.

Welcome to the forum. We'd love you to stick around and become apart of our little community. Yes, it's an "online community" but there are some warm, helpful and knowledgeable LDS and non-LDS aboard :]

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Although you could have been much smarter in handling the situation, don't blame yourself for a failed marriage. That is of course if your account of the situation is accurate. If she was just that hard to live with, then it was HER that killed the marriage.

I have family that went through similar circumstances. It was obvious that a particular individual made their spouse's life a living hell for many years. The victim endured relentless torture quietly and with dignity as toddlers grew to teenagers. Then, the victim made an escape to happiness. Today, that individual is much happier and healthier. The perpetrator remains bitter even years after the divorce.

This is the awful reality that can come about when a truly altruistic lover of some sick person sacrifices his/herself in hopes that all will work out in the end.

My advice? Don't let fear of anything, not even hell or God, and especially not any social circumstances, prevent you from being yourself using your own reason in determining your actions.

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If she was just that hard to live with, then it was HER that killed the marriage.

That's an absurd statement. Just because someone is "hard to live with" doesn't automatically put them at fault. Being dishonest and deceitful are things that "kill" a marriage.

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Dear Friend,

I am not LDS but was fundamentalist Christian and got a divorce at 26. I thought the church hated me, I felt like I was a no one. I am not LDS as I said but am close to the culture and I can say that there is love here for you. You are hurting. find people in your Ward that can be there for you. This is a big world and there are other LDS members that are divorced. As for me? what did I do? I rejected God and Christ and that was a HUGE mistake. It took me 20 years to get back to it. and then I visited a friend and told her I was living with my boyfriend. She didn't judge me at all, she just said "God has Such plans for you, relax, go with the flow and it will come together." and in one year, I was married and expecting my first child and two years I can say I am happiest I have ever been. I feel God's hand in my life. You will too my friend. Hang in there

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Stop for a second, Utah.

Stop and go back to the first page and look at the title of this thread.

Think about it. Ponder it. "I know I will die alone."

Now, continue reading.

There are two types of sorrow: Godly sorrow and the sorrow of the Damned.

Godly sorrow results in repentence, of a turning away from the sin because you know how much you have hurt others and God with your sin. The sorrow of the Damned is when we feel sorrow because of the consequences of our action and not the action itself.

Your first thought, through all of this, was that you would die alone. Further, let's look at what you've said:

That is not to say that there weren't good times but somehow everything that went wrong always ended up being my fault. I would beg my wife to go to marriage counseling with me but she would respond that the problems in our marriage were my fault and if I just went and fixed myself then everything would be perfect.

This is not constructive. Something that you, and every grown adult needs to learn, is that a disagreement occurs because two people don't have the same understanding. If everything is always ending up being your fault, there are three potential explanations:

1) You are a drama queen who feeds on negative emotions. When things go wrong and disagreements flare(As they do in any marriage), the drama queen will take that disagreement and feed it into itself, becoming a black hole of emotion that leaves anyone around you feeling drained and discontent as they try to comfort you. In any long term relationships, this poison results in people around you resenting your hungry need for affirmation every single day.

Want to know if there's a bit of this in you? If someone gives you a compliment and your first thought is to argue or say 'Noooooo', then you have a bit of this in you. If your first thought is to say 'Thank you' and move on, then you are safe from this. If nobody ever gives you compliments, so you don't know, you are definitely one.

2) You are a horrible, horrible person who actively sabotages everyone around you. I have never met anyone like this, but for completeness sake it should be put in.

3) You are in a very bad place emotionally right now and are giving off vibes of #1 when, in fact, you are in a state of depression. If this is the case, get medication, now. Depression is a poison that robs us of self-will. Snap out of it. Get medication.

This might seem like a negative post, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel:

We are where we are because of the choices we made..

Every life is dependent on your own choices. If you trace back your own choices, you'll see where you can make changes. If every life is dependent on your own choices, then you can be free and you can make the choices that make you happy again.

You just have to want to. Now, you have to ask yourself if you want to.

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First off, unless you have a terminal disease right now, you will probably not die alone.

Being disfellowshipped and separated will cause you much loneliness. Recognize that as part of the repentance process. If it were easy, marriage covenants wouldn't be so important to us.

But remember one thing: you are not truly alone. Christ paid for your sins and is with you during the repentance process. Focus on that relationship. It is obvious that you were not focusing on it when you strayed and made such poor choices. It is also possible that the strains in your marriage were at least partially influenced by not focusing on your heavenly relationship with God.

Do not worry about worldly relationships right now. They will come with time. Focus on the most important relationships: you, your children, and God. All of these have been damaged by your choices: your self esteem, your children's trust, your covenants with God. But they can be repaired over time.

So, stop worrying about being "alone" or lonely, and focus on the lasting relationships.

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I like FunkyTown's Possibility #3. It's realistic and believable in your case. You and your wife probably weren't meant for each other, and you both made some mistakes.

Chin up.

My fiance's first wife walked out of the marriage and temple covenents. Now he has me. You won't die alone.

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