I Just Need To Vent!

[Bini]

Not looking for advice. Just needing to vent. Maybe someone has been in a similar situation?

My husband was rushed to the ER last Thursday to undergo an emergency surgery. After the surgery there were complications—he had internal bleeding. He was kept in the hospital for four days and was in excruciating pain. He requested no phone calls or visitations during the few times he was awake and lucid. I relayed this message to the nursing staff and onto his parents. But I did my best to update family, as I was by his bedside every day and spent every night there. Our last day at the hospital, I decided to call the mother-in-law and share with her the fantastic news that we'd be going home sometime that day. Instead of rejoicing with me, she chews me out about how my husband is SELFISH for refusing phone calls or visitations from family. Then she proceeded to remind me that she is his mother and has a RIGHT to be there. It, blew, my, mind. I thought.. is she serious? At that moment I didn't know what to say, so I just hung up. Unbelievable..

[Captain_Curmudgeon]

Good mom-in-laws are rare. I've been blessed with two out of two so I can't exactly identify with your experience, but I do sympathize.

Hang tough.

If families are eternal, are in-laws?

[slamjet]

My ex-inlaws were so obnoxiously rude and selfish with no thought to their daughter that I banned them for months because my ex's c-section incision wasn't heeling from the stress of the birth and preemie twins. After I put my foot down, she began healing. My ex-inlaws still hate me, but I could careless. They're still selfish and thinking only of what others can give and do for them.

So no, you're not alone and will have plenty of folks who will empathize with you. We all just home all will be well with your hubby.

[Suzie]

Then she proceeded to remind me that she is his mother and has a RIGHT to be there.

She didn't give you the...."I brought him into this world!"

[pam]

No she doesn't have the right as hard as that is for us mothers to digest.

When we get married we leave our mommies and daddies and cleave to our spouses.

Doesn't mean we love them any less.

[rameumptom]

His mother should have been given more consideration. Your husband was in severe distress, and it is very natural for her to want to rush to her son's side. What if he had died? She would not have had the chance to say goodbye to him.

She's known your son much longer than you have. She should have been given greater consideration than what you and your husband gave her. I suggest you both call her and apologize to her, after all, you did rudely hang up on a woman who was worried sick for her son, and not given the chance to see him.

Maybe when you've also had children and spent long long nights watching over them, you'll begin to understand just what it means to be a parent. Until then, give them their due.

[Guest]

Yeah, I'm with rame on this one... I know I know, you're not asking for advice...

But, I've been thinking about the in-law situation that everybody always seem to complain about and it boils down to one thing - the thing Pam mentioned above. After 18 years of taking care of this precious child it is not as easy to let go of the reins.

So, yeah, mothers and mother-in-laws are sometimes (or maybe oftentimes) a pain in the tush but I try to see things from their perspective and the kind of people they are. Some of them are just plain hateful but most of them are just mothers who can't let go. My in-law seems to come from Pluto but that's okay, I love her nonetheless and am super duper nice no matter what. Okay, so I hung up on her once (okay okay, twice) before, but I apologized profusely afterwards. Both times. I try to make it clear to her how much I appreciate her (yes, even with all her quirkiness). Her 2 other daughter-in-laws couldn't stand her. And I can see exactly what kind of stress that gave to their husbands - to have to choose between mother or wife. I refuse to put my husband in that situation. He loves her dearly. My husband gets into little skirmishes with her - I don't jump in the middle. I stay far back. VERY far back...

Edited January 18, 2011 by anatess

[Bini]

My husband wasn't dying or even near dying. He went into emergency surgery for appendicitis. After surgery he had some internal bleeding that caused low RBC, which is normal after surgery, however the numbers were lower than on average. So he was kept in the hospital on observation for several days. During this, he had extremely excruciating head pains that caused nose bleeds. He was doped up on heavy MEDS. He specifically requested NO phone calls or visitors. Now, if he was dying or the doctors felt that he may die, then absolutely—the whole family would have been there (mum alone wouldn't have been an exception). But in THIS case, he wasn't. It was his decision to make. Yes, her feelings are valid but this wasn't about her. It was about my husband feeling better and with no additional stresses put on him. This is also the same MIL that wanted us to have a wedding party so everyone could be apart of our "special day" but we said no. We wanted to have the Judge marry us and then we wanted to take off on our honeymoon cruise (with the money that would otherwise be spent on setup and catering etc etc). She felt that was very selfish of us. But you know what, our marriage and commitment is about us and not about her. :)

Thanks for your concern.

[Guest]

My husband wasn't dying or even near dying. He went into emergency surgery for appendicitis. After surgery he had some internal bleeding that caused low RBC, which is normal after surgery, however the numbers were lower than on average. So he was kept in the hospital on observation for several days. During this, he had extremely excruciating head pains that caused nose bleeds. He was doped up on heavy MEDS. He specifically requested NO phone calls or visitors. Now, if he was dying or the doctors felt that he may die, then absolutely—the whole family would have been there (mum alone wouldn't have been an exception). But in THIS case, he wasn't. It was his decision to make. Yes, her feelings are valid but this wasn't about her. It was about my husband feeling better and with no additional stresses put on him. This is also the same MIL that wanted us to have a wedding party so everyone could be apart of our "special day" but we said no. We wanted to have the Judge marry us and then we wanted to take off on our honeymoon cruise (with the money that would otherwise be spent on setup and catering etc etc). She felt that was very selfish of us. But you know what, our marriage and commitment is about us and not about her. :)

Thanks for your concern.

Bini, I completely get what you are saying. And I understand your point of view. Hey, I eloped because my dad disapproved of my marrying a white boy... crazy, huh?

But, at the same time, I completely understand how your MIL thinks you were being selfish. Yes, your marriage is YOURS. But, last Saturday, my 9 year old son let slip that he has a girlfriend... My ears perked up and ignored the point he was trying to make and said, "you have a girlfiend??? And you didn't bother to tell me???". I was truly hurt. Hurt so bad that I ended up in a crying jag. I can just imagine what kind of a basket case I'm going to be if my son wouldn't allow me to have a hand in his wedding. Yes, this is all about him, but dosh gorn it, I want to be a part of it! A big one! I want to celebrate it! I want to dance with him on his wedding day! In a nice outfit with lots of pictures. Of course, if he would rather not do that, there's really nothing I can do about it. But, I would beg and plead with him to let me throw him a nice wedding reception so I can party all night and celebrate his marriage and chase away the doldrums of spending the last day I am gonna be the #1 woman in his life. So yeah, it is my day too.

And today, my son is home sick with fever. Last night he was coughing so hard. Yeah, it's just the cough and colds going around in his classroom, but man, I spent a sleepless night rubbing his back... not because he needed it - he was asleep... but because I needed it - I truly felt bad for him. I doubt that's going to change either. If he ends up with appendicitis I want to hold his hand. No, not because he needs me - he probably won't anymore after he turns... what, 15, 16? - but because I need to know my baby is going to be ok.

I have had long talks about this with my husband... because, the kids still jump in our beds in the middle of the night... my husband was wondering if we should put a no-sleeping-in-our-bed rule that we both grew up on... and we both agreed, nah, we'll enjoy it as long as we are able because pretty soon, not only will they not want to go in our room anymore, they won't even want us in their room anymore, and they won't even want to talk to us anymore. I hope this never happens, but, alas, kids have to grow up eventually. Doesn't stop me from being their mother, though. So, right now, I tend to end up sleeping on my side half-way falling off the bed. The kids are getting big!

So, yeah, just the other perspective for you.

P.S. I remember this line from 10 Things I Hate About You. Kate was so upset that his dad is giving her a hard time about going to Sarah Lawrence college which is on the other side of the country... kinda explains how I feel about my son and maybe explains how your MIL feels about her son.

You know, fathers don't like to admit it when daughters become capable of running their own lives. It means we've become spectators. Bianca still let's me play a few innings - you've had me on the bench for years. And when you go to Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to watch the game.

Edited January 18, 2011 by anatess

[Bini]

I wish to quote, Pam..

No she doesn't have the right as hard as that is for us mothers to digest.

When we get married we leave our mommies and daddies and cleave to our spouses.

Doesn't mean we love them any less.

Anatess, I appreciate your relation but in THIS situation she had no right, regardless of motherly instinct or whatever else. This was and is NOT about her. She called my husband today on his cellphone and said that he didn't give her the daughter-in-law she was hoping for. She's just overbearing and offensive. I should add, which I neglected to earlier, she WAS there his first night after surgery. She kept interfering and telling the nurses how to do their job. At one point one of the nurses told her to allow him to do his job. My husband was semi-assertive at this point and told me after she finally left that he couldn't deal with her in his room, and that she was stressing him out. So sorry ma, we do love you but you can't be here at this time. That's when the overall call was made: no phone calls or visitors.

[Guest]

I wish to quote, Pam..

Anatess, I appreciate your relation but in THIS situation she had no right, regardless of motherly instinct or whatever else. This was and is NOT about her. She called my husband today on his cellphone and said that he didn't give her the daughter-in-law she was hoping for. She's just overbearing and offensive. I should add, which I neglected to earlier, she WAS there his first night after surgery. She kept interfering and telling the nurses how to do their job. At one point one of the nurses told her to allow him to do his job. My husband was semi-assertive at this point and told me after she finally left that he couldn't deal with her in his room, and that she was stressing him out. So sorry ma, we do love you but you can't be here at this time. That's when the overall call was made: no phone calls or visitors.

Sorry Bini... I never intended to say that she has the Right. I just re-read all my posts to make sure I didn't mistakenly say that.

What I was trying to say (as encapsulated by the movie quote) is that you can look through things from her perspective and maybe understand why she is doing the things she is doing. It's the first step to compassion. So that, instead of straining the relationship, you may be able to put a foot forward to mend it. Or not. It's up to you.

[Wingnut]

So that, instead of straining the relationship, you may be able to put a foot forward to mend it. Or not. It's up to you.

Actually, I think it's up to Bini's husband. He's the one who made the request. Bini only enforced it. Bini didn't deserve to be treated the way she was, nor is it appropriate for her MIL to say that her son "didn't give [his mom] the daughter-in-law [she] wanted" -- totally out of line!

[Guest]

Actually, I think it's up to Bini's husband. He's the one who made the request. Bini only enforced it. Bini didn't deserve to be treated the way she was, nor is it appropriate for her MIL to say that her son "didn't give [his mom] the daughter-in-law [she] wanted" -- totally out of line!

No, I'm not even talking about the request not to have visitors.

I'm talking about the general tone of the post where it sounds like Bini doesn't have a good relationship with the MIL.

Yeah, that's crazy about her MIL saying hateful things like that - but, to give her some leeway (as she is not here to defend her actions) - it could be a product of all these bad blood since the marriage escalating to that point that she utters idiot stuff like that in frustration. No, I'm not excusing her actions. I'm trying to put a positive spin to it to have a chance at reconciliation.

Edited January 18, 2011 by anatess

[Bini]

There is nothing to reconcile because apparently the incident over the phone never happened. That is what she told my husband. She denies that she ever said he was being selfish. So that's just a tiny glimpse of the kind of person she is. My husband has cautioned me from the get-go that his mother was controlling and manipulative. I hadn't really seen it until now. But now I understand why we only visit the in-laws on special occasions and holidays—because his mother is toxic in nature and my husband wishes not to expose us to it.

Mothers want to mother. I get that. But people show love in two forms: unselfish love, and selfish love. MIL is the latter unfortunately.

[zippy_do46]

Bini, I have one of those MIL:) I vented a good bit over the years. I wanted a Ruth story in my marriage. I tried everything and nothing worked. She is 89 years old now. She still does not like me. I have learned something from this though. I do not want to be like her. Can you imagine not liking someone and having that person be the one to take care of you in your last days. I believe in some ways it has to be her own hell.

I hope all is well with you and yours.

[Bini]

Bini, I have one of those MIL:) I vented a good bit over the years. I wanted a Ruth story in my marriage. I tried everything and nothing worked. She is 89 years old now. She still does not like me. I have learned something from this though. I do not want to be like her. Can you imagine not liking someone and having that person be the one to take care of you in your last days. I believe in some ways it has to be her own hell.

I hope all is well with you and yours.

Yep, very true. Treat your loved ones with respect and dignity, and you won't regret it down the road when you need their support. I saw this a lot when I worked in nursing. The dysfunctional relationships were always the elderly that sat alone in their room with the TV on.. No phone calls and no visitors. Their kids had literally left them to rot alone, not wanting anything to do with them. Very sad.

[Guest DeborahC]

My daughter in law and I had HUGE problems after the first child was born.

In the end, I swallowed my pride and apologized (even though I really do NOT think I was wrong)... I said I was sorry for the way things turned out, which was true, and that I could see her side (which I could) and that I hoped we could work things out (which I did). I still, in my heart, felt I was right about the argument specifics, but I decided to just let it go... It was the right thing to DO.

We get along great now...but it wasn't easy.

It took work.

I think it's an age-old problem... in the end, the MIL needs to give way to the wife, right or wrong.

[Bini]

Agreed, Deborah!

[Guest]

My daughter in law and I had HUGE problems after the first child was born.

In the end, I swallowed my pride and apologized (even though I really do NOT think I was wrong)... I said I was sorry for the way things turned out, which was true, and that I could see her side (which I could) and that I hoped we could work things out (which I did). I still, in my heart, felt I was right about the argument specifics, but I decided to just let it go... It was the right thing to DO.

We get along great now...but it wasn't easy.

It took work.

I think it's an age-old problem... in the end, the MIL needs to give way to the wife, right or wrong.

Great post, Deb!

Unfortunately, in my case, I couldn't wait for my MIL to make things right. Of course, I don't think I did any wrong... just like she thinks she didn't do any wrong. But if I wait for my MIL to make the first move we will be on rocky ground until the Second Coming... so, I made it my "policy" to show her every chance I get that I love her no matter what and let my husband deal with any conflict. Yes, I still speak my mind and tell her if she starts to bug me, but I always remember to use kind words and loving actions. Like a duck - water down my back. Yep, it is hard sometimes, but, after 13 years, I'm becoming an expert...