I (The Cheater) Have a Dillemma...


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Hi Everyone,

I’ve been thinking over the past few days whether or not I would even make this post, but I’ve been reading posts on here and I’ve seen that this is actually a very open-minded and supportive group here! Not that I expect your open-mindedness or support, considering the depth of my transgressions.

Let me start off by saying that I have been a fairly active Mormon all my life, I served a mission in Asia (honorable – I worked hard) and am proud of it. I have struggled a little bit with word of wisdom issues and a little with sexual transgressions since a year or two after my mission. I met my current wife just less than 7 years ago, and we’ve been married for about 5 years, no kids yet. We have always had a tumultuous relationship, and had to wait a year before we married in the temple due to sexual transgression. Anyway, keep in mind this is my side of the story, but that I am trying to be fair to my wife.

During our first year of dating, we were very sexually compatible (I know this probably makes a lot of you cringe, but I’m just trying to be open so you understand my situation). That may have been one of the only ways we were compatible looking back… We fought a lot, and didn’t have a whole lot in common; however, we had enough going for us that we stuck it out and had our year without sex. She isn’t particularly emotionally stable, which was probably caused (or at least exacerbated) by her mother, who quite apparently has co-dependency problems. My wife at this point has no one, other than me, with whom she is close. I am her best friend, only friend, husband, shopping partner, confidant, and complete support system. She has no one else. To me her self-isolation seems like a choice; a choice that I don't understand.

Over the years my wife has lost interest in me sexually, or as she puts it, has lost interest in sex. I don’t know which it is, but my research on the internet (subjective at best) tells me that the former is probably the case. For the past 3 years we are probably intimate every 9 months on average. We are both near 30 years old (just under). Whenever we talk about it, it always comes back to me needing to accept this because she can’t do anything about it.

Keep in mind that I do everything I can to avoid her anger because it can result in hours, or even days of demeaning and angry comments, which only ends when I finally break down and apologize. I always wonder how it ends up arriving at my apology… Anyway, she has tightened the reigns over the years and I rarely see my friends or family now, and my work is one of my few outlets outside of the house. She has cut down to less than part time at work (8-10 hrs. per week) because of undiagnosed health issues that may or may not be real, I don’t know but I can’t push her too hard to see a doctor because she will snap. Anyway, this leaves her at home almost all the time. She is offended when I do anything but come home and hang out with her. Maybe that’s how a marriage should ideally work, but I am a very social person and was very close to my family in the past. I've asked her to come before, but she isn't interested... She just wants me home. I also had hobbies and really liked to work out after work. Now I just come home, do most of the house work, and wait for the next day to start. My existance feels meaningless...

Although I’m not necessarily the most righteous person, I do like to attend church. She hasn’t been in years, although she doesn’t drink or anything and still wears her temple garments.

There’s a lot more I could say but I need to get to the meat of this. First of all, I have wronged her in the past. I have yelled, I punch and kick walls and stuff when I’m angry, and have stormed off for an hour or more without mentioning where I’m going. I wasn’t innocent before, and I’m definitely not innocent now.

I met a married woman at my workplace with whom I connected with strongly. She is a mother of two young children and not a member of the church. For about 6 months our friendship grew, and at some point I realized that I had feelings for her, and I also realized that she probably felt the same way. We have very similar personality traits, and at some point she mentioned that she had feelings for me. Well, it didn’t take long before we were taking off time at work to spend time in hotel rooms together. Keep in mind that I have a narrow window of freedom from my spouse in which to cheat, but I’ve somehow kept it up for a few months without getting caught. The other woman and I have talked about trying to see if “we” would work out if we ended things with our spouses. We both understand that would be a long shot (religion, her kids, and our lives outside of work would all be major roadblocks), but we still talk about it. The other woman is a good person; she volunteers, is a great mother, beautiful, a successful businesswoman, a friend to all and the kind of person everyone wants to be around. She is now telling me that she wants to end things with her husband sooner than later, and a "she and I" relationship is seemingly her goal... She too struggles with being labeled as a cheater.

I understand that I am sinning against my wife, the other woman, our families, and God. I know I need to end things with the other woman no matter what I intend to do in the future. I know I have emotional problems that I need to deal with (why else would I cheat??). I know I need to repent and that I have hell to pay in so many ways. I am an unrepentant adulterer and that is a horrible place to be. My friends and family think I am a good person, and I know that if my wife finds out, so will everyone else, and let me tell you – they will be surprised… They will stand by me, but my reputation is be totally shot. The other woman’s husband found out about us, and he is hurting horribly right now… He is trying to make things work with his wife and thinks things ended between us. I know what I’m doing may ruin another family. I know that I am failing to promote the image of the church, and of returned missionaries. I feel horrible about my actions, yet like a moth to the flame I keep on going back.

Before I met the other woman I was not happy in my marriage, and my cheating has only complicated things. If I knew my wife could turn to her family, her faith, her friends, focus on her work… almost anything.. I would have left long ago. However, I do love my wife, although more like a sister than a spouse. I feel like I would be feeding her to the wolves. I am her everything, and even though she treats me poorly, I know she loves me. I am totally lost. Please remember that she has nothing meaningful in her life besides me, at least that’s what she tells me and to be honest I can’t disagree. I don’t know what she would do without me. I fell like I can’t leave because I love her and can’t “leave her to the wolves”, but I can’t stay anymore because I’ve sinner against her and I don’t think I will ever be happy in such a tight box (she is very controlling).

Anyway, I would appreciate the advice of anyone who has been in a similar situation or anyone who feels like they have something meaningful to tell me. Please keep me in your prayers, even though I really don’t deserve it.

twort

Edited by twort
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I read your post and have noticed two major red flags:

1) Lack of intimacy in your marriage with your wife

2) Getting involved with a married woman

The first one will take counseling, prayer, and some creative and an active imagination. Sounds like the spark of romance has left you. Another thing (and is actually a common thing that I have discovered among women), you say she is thirty years of age (or thereabouts). It could be that you guys have been married seven years and she has yet to conceive. Have you ever stopped to think about how she might be feeling? Women who hear about other women (at work, church, social ventures) getting pregnant, having babies, and becoming mom's have an impact on those women who could not have children.

Case in point, when my wife and I found out she was pregnant a month and a half after we got married, she was posting and chatting about being pregnant on her social networking for moms. One lady was having difficulty getting pregnant and my wife shared with me how she felt bad that she was 41 when she got pregnant and yet other women are having a hard time with getting pregnant.

Concerning the second one. You are going to have to man up and confess to your wife. No excuse making, no blaming, no nothing. Maybe she suspects that you are cheating on her and so she has withdrawn more so than she has before.

You are going to have to be honest with your wife, expect the consequences of what will happen, and work on getting your life back on track.

The issue you are going to face is this: you are also involved with a married woman. at one time I was involved with a married woman (single at the time), the relationship ended and I was devastatedly heartbroke, more so than any other heartbreak. It almost killed me (literally). It took me two years to fight out of that dark web.

Ask any man who has dated a married woman, majority of them will say the woman will end up staying with their husband while your life is left in ruins. It sounds heartless, but it is the truth.

My advice, leave the tantalizing forbidden skirt, confess to your wife and have your bags packed and a place lined up.

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Thank you so much for your thoughtful response STS.

Since I am out of town on business, I have been able to do a lot of thinking (and a lot of web research) about my situation. I know that I will have to leave, tell her, or both. I totally agree with you, I have no excuse. I am an unrepentant sinner who needs to reconcile with God.

My wife keeps telling me she's not ready for children, but has recently expressed an interest to get pregnant "next fall". You are right in that she knows I have not been acting the same lately, but you have no idea how out of the ordinary this is for me. This has had no impact whatsoever on our sex life.

I told the other woman to stay with her husband because I don't want to break up their family. I know the odds of anything ever happening are next to 0, but I've allowed myself to fall in love. I'm in a bad place.

You said that the spark of romance has left me, which isn't quite true. I am physically very attracted to my wife. However, I am emotionally very... disinterested.

Anyway, thank you for your post. Thank you for not being too judgemental.

twort

I read your post and have noticed two major red flags:

1) Lack of intimacy in your marriage with your wife

2) Getting involved with a married woman

The first one will take counseling, prayer, and some creative and an active imagination. Sounds like the spark of romance has left you. Another thing (and is actually a common thing that I have discovered among women), you say she is thirty years of age (or thereabouts). It could be that you guys have been married seven years and she has yet to conceive. Have you ever stopped to think about how she might be feeling? Women who hear about other women (at work, church, social ventures) getting pregnant, having babies, and becoming mom's have an impact on those women who could not have children.

Case in point, when my wife and I found out she was pregnant a month and a half after we got married, she was posting and chatting about being pregnant on her social networking for moms. One lady was having difficulty getting pregnant and my wife shared with me how she felt bad that she was 41 when she got pregnant and yet other women are having a hard time with getting pregnant.

Concerning the second one. You are going to have to man up and confess to your wife. No excuse making, no blaming, no nothing. Maybe she suspects that you are cheating on her and so she has withdrawn more so than she has before.

You are going to have to be honest with your wife, expect the consequences of what will happen, and work on getting your life back on track.

The issue you are going to face is this: you are also involved with a married woman. at one time I was involved with a married woman (single at the time), the relationship ended and I was devastatedly heartbroke, more so than any other heartbreak. It almost killed me (literally). It took me two years to fight out of that dark web.

Ask any man who has dated a married woman, majority of them will say the woman will end up staying with their husband while your life is left in ruins. It sounds heartless, but it is the truth.

My advice, leave the tantalizing forbidden skirt, confess to your wife and have your bags packed and a place lined up.

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Guest mormonmusic

Twort, your story reminds me of my own situation for about 10 years in my marriage, minus the control and the extent of the mental instability issues. However, there was a less extensive mental issue that prevented sex on the part of my wife for about a decade.

I too stayed in the relationship partly out of a sense of moral obligation -- this was because I was afraid of what would happen to my wife as a single woman with no physical ability to have sex. I felt she wouldn't have anyone to turn to and would probably never get married given her problem.

The statement that you loved her like a sister resonates with me....The advantage I had was that my wife was very supportive of my hobbies -- almost as a way of keeping me in the marriage since she couldn't provide sex. And, shallow as it sounds, it worked. During that period I became a professional luthier and professional musician given the time and money she gave me to pursue those hobbies -- realizing two dreams I thought would never happen unless I could retire healthy. I've always loved time alone. To pursue those things that are meaningful, and her supportiveness in that regard tipped the scales, along with this loyalty I felt to my temple covenants -- it all worked together to keep me working at my marriage and made it tolerable. Eventually, our relationship blossomed when she overcame her mental disorder (and she did overcome it) and we were able to conceive a child naturally. We are content enough now to say we are happy.

So, when I hear your situation -- the control, the emotional instability, her lack of caring about your sexual needs, the anger and such, as well as your statement that romantic love has left the relationship, I feel for you, and I completely understand the emptiness you must feel inside.

If your wife was willing to confront these issues, and try harder with sex, deal with the mental problems, seek counselling, and curb the angry outbursts, then I might think differently. My wife tried most of the time, and went to counseling with me, and did most things, eventually, to make our relationship largely positive, and this gave me hope. If your wife is stubborn on these issues, I then I think you might consider leaving -- but only after doing the Single Test.

Here is the Single Test. Look at the total emotional, spiritual and other costs of leaving your wife, and look at it assuming the other woman in you life may not be there for you afterwards. How do you feel if you were to face the world as a single person? Would you be happier overall? If you feel you would be happier without this relationship -- then you might consider it after prayer and talking more to others you respect. A divorced person once said to me "When it's time to leave, you'll know because you won't be upset about it anymore". I thought that was a huge indicator, and a very interally-compassed way of helping me decide if it was time to leave. I never did because I would have been very upset to leave my wife and it highlighted the fact that there was still latent romantic love, notwithstanding the brother-sister relationship we had. What does your inner compass tell you? How would you feel if you left and had to face the world as a single person?

Regarding the other woman. I experienced that too with a very organized, kind, well-educated, attractive non-member woman I met in my work. But I never went across the physical line in spite of her advances. Emotionally though, I craved her company and attention and thought about her all the time. It made me feel 18 again to be around her for reasons that went well beyond her looks; I loved her character. I eventually did a couple really intentional mean things to her as a last ditch attempt to shut off the value of love that was growing between us and it hurt us both, but it stopped the adultery from ever happening and stopped my marriage from falling apart. But it was hard.

So, I have some understanding of the power of an other woman to fill the needs that are left unmet by your current spouse.

In your shoes, I would let the OW work out what she wants with her husband. For the sake of my own conscience, I would step away, giving her whatever reasoning I felt was appropriate. Give her own relationship a chance to blossom since her husband is willing to try. If it fails anyway, AND I've decided to leave my wife, I would consider pursuing the OW as a single person. But I would hate to go through life knowing that I hastened the demise of another family relationship -- that's why I would deal with my own relationship first, and let the OW deal with hers. If we were to get together, it would be as single people.

You also have to consider the impact of the OW's non-membership in the Church, the presence of her children (if you said she had any, I can't remember), etcetera. Can you live with that situation? You want your next relationship (if any) to be one in which you will flourish for the rest of your life. So, I wouldn't assume this new one is necessarily the right one. All that needs to be considered.

The thing that I like about your situation is that you have no children. I wouldn't bring children into your relationship if someone paid me. There is too much that needs to be resolved, so I would stop thinking in that direction indefinitely.

Good luck, and thanks for taking a chance with sharing your thoughts here.

Edited by mormonmusic
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I guess I would like to ask for more information on why you would like to stay with your current wife. You may love her, but it's like a sister and it seems you feel obligated to. That does not sound like a healthy marriage. Can it be healed, fixed, whatnot? Or would you deep down, feel better if that marriage were just over?

(I also don't feel staying in a marriage because it's all the other person has is a very good reason.)

I think we can all agree you're going it about the wrong way by having an affair, and it's right to suggest the other woman stay with her family, at least for now.

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Hi. The account is interesting. The changes must first come on your part. However, I hope to give you a picture of what is happening so that you can start to fight Spiritually the woes that are in your life.

1) First. You cannot force change on your wife. It is against God's law. But you can begin to understand her and see your way clear in dealing with her in a righteous manner.

From your post, your wife appears to have a controlling personality. And anger and hurt comes when things do not proceed as planned. As it is impossible to control our environment and people to the extent one wish it will always lead to anger, hurt feelings etc.

These type of problems results from frustrations caused by many things and fears. And these reside in "Conditional Love".

2) Now, you need to gently assert your authority and leadership over your family and it will take time. Remember it is you whom GOD will first require an account of your family. Yet, it is not wise to do this until you first learn to live "Unconditional Love".

3) "Unconditional Love" is what we give to our spouse regardless of what they do. This is a giving Love and does not care if it is returned or not. It is the same Love that enables Jesus to love even His enemies. With this love you will learn all things that is needful for you to overcome. And it will begin to free you.

4) When you understand a bit how to live in "Unconditional Love" Then you will not be so easily led by your wife, it will be much harder for you to lose control and you can break any cycles that leads to disputes, dissentions even dis-harmony and then you can begin to work on your wife fears. For as long as she has those fears she cannot change.

It will take time as this Type of Love is gentle, and does not seek to force change on people. If you have some activities outside of the home..one must be careful to balance it. Each case is different. However, by asserting that you love her will help with her fears.

It is very dysfunctional for any spouse to exert control over another using negative means. Asserting ones authority and leadership is a work if done righteously that should eventually lead to receiving Loyalty from our Spouse. Force is not the answer.

Adding prayers, praising and thanksgiving to this will help bring the power of God in our lives to heal.

bert10

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been thinking over the past few days whether or not I would even make this post, but I’ve been reading posts on here and I’ve seen that this is actually a very open-minded and supportive group here! Not that I expect your open-mindedness or support, considering the depth of my transgressions.

Let me start off by saying that I have been a fairly active Mormon all my life, I served a mission in Asia (honorable – I worked hard) and am proud of it. I have struggled a little bit with word of wisdom issues and a little with sexual transgressions since a year or two after my mission. I met my current wife just less than 7 years ago, and we’ve been married for about 5 years, no kids yet. We have always had a tumultuous relationship, and had to wait a year before we married in the temple due to sexual transgression. Anyway, keep in mind this is my side of the story, but that I am trying to be fair to my wife.

During our first year of dating, we were very sexually compatible (I know this probably makes a lot of you cringe, but I’m just trying to be open so you understand my situation). That may have been one of the only ways we were compatible looking back… We fought a lot, and didn’t have a whole lot in common; however, we had enough going for us that we stuck it out and had our year without sex. She isn’t particularly emotionally stable, which was probably caused (or at least exacerbated) by her mother, who quite apparently has co-dependency problems. My wife at this point has no one, other than me, with whom she is close. I am her best friend, only friend, husband, shopping partner, confidant, and complete support system. She has no one else. To me her self-isolation seems like a choice; a choice that I don't understand.

Over the years my wife has lost interest in me sexually, or as she puts it, has lost interest in sex. I don’t know which it is, but my research on the internet (subjective at best) tells me that the former is probably the case. For the past 3 years we are probably intimate every 9 months on average. We are both near 30 years old (just under). Whenever we talk about it, it always comes back to me needing to accept this because she can’t do anything about it.

Keep in mind that I do everything I can to avoid her anger because it can result in hours, or even days of demeaning and angry comments, which only ends when I finally break down and apologize. I always wonder how it ends up arriving at my apology… Anyway, she has tightened the reigns over the years and I rarely see my friends or family now, and my work is one of my few outlets outside of the house. She has cut down to less than part time at work (8-10 hrs. per week) because of undiagnosed health issues that may or may not be real, I don’t know but I can’t push her too hard to see a doctor because she will snap. Anyway, this leaves her at home almost all the time. She is offended when I do anything but come home and hang out with her. Maybe that’s how a marriage should ideally work, but I am a very social person and was very close to my family in the past. I've asked her to come before, but she isn't interested... She just wants me home. I also had hobbies and really liked to work out after work. Now I just come home, do most of the house work, and wait for the next day to start. My existance feels meaningless...

Although I’m not necessarily the most righteous person, I do like to attend church. She hasn’t been in years, although she doesn’t drink or anything and still wears her temple garments.

There’s a lot more I could say but I need to get to the meat of this. First of all, I have wronged her in the past. I have yelled, I punch and kick walls and stuff when I’m angry, and have stormed off for an hour or more without mentioning where I’m going. I wasn’t innocent before, and I’m definitely not innocent now.

I met a married woman at my workplace with whom I connected with strongly. She is a mother of two young children and not a member of the church. For about 6 months our friendship grew, and at some point I realized that I had feelings for her, and I also realized that she probably felt the same way. We have very similar personality traits, and at some point she mentioned that she had feelings for me. Well, it didn’t take long before we were taking off time at work to spend time in hotel rooms together. Keep in mind that I have a narrow window of freedom from my spouse in which to cheat, but I’ve somehow kept it up for a few months without getting caught. The other woman and I have talked about trying to see if “we” would work out if we ended things with our spouses. We both understand that would be a long shot (religion, her kids, and our lives outside of work would all be major roadblocks), but we still talk about it. The other woman is a good person; she volunteers, is a great mother, beautiful, a successful businesswoman, a friend to all and the kind of person everyone wants to be around. She is now telling me that she wants to end things with her husband sooner than later, and a "she and I" relationship is seemingly her goal... She too struggles with being labeled as a cheater.

I understand that I am sinning against my wife, the other woman, our families, and God. I know I need to end things with the other woman no matter what I intend to do in the future. I know I have emotional problems that I need to deal with (why else would I cheat??). I know I need to repent and that I have hell to pay in so many ways. I am an unrepentant adulterer and that is a horrible place to be. My friends and family think I am a good person, and I know that if my wife finds out, so will everyone else, and let me tell you – they will be surprised… They will stand by me, but my reputation is be totally shot. The other woman’s husband found out about us, and he is hurting horribly right now… He is trying to make things work with his wife and thinks things ended between us. I know what I’m doing may ruin another family. I know that I am failing to promote the image of the church, and of returned missionaries. I feel horrible about my actions, yet like a moth to the flame I keep on going back.

Before I met the other woman I was not happy in my marriage, and my cheating has only complicated things. If I knew my wife could turn to her family, her faith, her friends, focus on her work… almost anything.. I would have left long ago. However, I do love my wife, although more like a sister than a spouse. I feel like I would be feeding her to the wolves. I am her everything, and even though she treats me poorly, I know she loves me. I am totally lost. Please remember that she has nothing meaningful in her life besides me, at least that’s what she tells me and to be honest I can’t disagree. I don’t know what she would do without me. I fell like I can’t leave because I love her and can’t “leave her to the wolves”, but I can’t stay anymore because I’ve sinner against her and I don’t think I will ever be happy in such a tight box (she is very controlling).

Anyway, I would appreciate the advice of anyone who has been in a similar situation or anyone who feels like they have something meaningful to tell me. Please keep me in your prayers, even though I really don’t deserve it.

twort

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There are also men who cheat even though they have great wives and plenty of intimacy. I know you feel bad, but at the same time it sounds like you have kind of justified the behavior because of everything that is wrong in your marriage. There is no future with your mistress. How could you two even respect each other knowing you each betrayed your spouses? If you both divorced and ended up together, how could you trust each other?

It doesn't sound like you are committed to your marriage at all other than not wanting to leave your wife high and dry by leaving. I'm not going to tell you to leave her not knowing her side of the story, but you do need to tell her the truth.

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Thank you all for your input. I appreciate it more than you might know... I'm sure you didn't sign up for this site to give people relationship advice so I appreciate your time and attention.

@MormonMusic - I'm glad things worked out for you. I honestly don't think I'll ever not be upset about a divorce... I'm not the kind of person who can seperate myself from my wife's feelings, despite the lack of intimacy and feelings that a husband should have for his wife. However, the single test? I think I'm there.

My wife realizes that there has been a change in my attitude lately, and has been trying, in her own way, to win me back. This makes me feel horrible... It also makes me feel obligated to stay. However, the same rules apply: ask for permission for everything, I'll probably get in trouble for even asking, and sex on her terms (rarely happens). But she is being nice, and trying to do things she knows I like. I haven't seen this side of her in a long time, so it makes me wonder if people can change???

I agree with you: no kids until things are figured out, one way or another.

@Backroads - I am staying mostly out of obligation; but I do love her. If I could snap my fingers and be single I would, it's all the stuff that comes a long with seperating that causes me hesitation. I'm not sure if it could be healed. I guess if she were to change drastically, I could be happy with her. However, I am of the school that people only change for themselves, but maybe I'm just jaded from my marriage... I also doubt that any change would be a lasting change... again, probably a byproduct of my marriage.

@Bert10 - Thank you for your religious perspective. I've always thought that any marriage could be salvaged if both parties lean on God. It's only now that I doubt that. it doesn't help that I hesitate to pray because of my sins... I know that is counter to everything I've been taught, and everything I've taught others, but surprisingly, I am finding it difficult to go to the God who condemns my actions. It isn't a lack of belief, but a feeling of guilt. So thank you for your input.

@MorningStar - I don't ever think cheating is justified. I've done a lot of reading on boards like these and it's surprised me how much I despise the cheating spouse; yet here I am. I hate what I'm doing. As far as the other woman and the issues we'd have if we ever had a real relationship, that would be a road to be crossed if it ever came to that. We've talked about that before, and realized that there would be trust issues and we'd probably both need to do some serious soul searching to figure out why we did what we did.

I was wondering if anyone had any input on how to go about things... The two possible outcomes would be to stay, and try to work it out, or to leave.

If I leave, my feeling is that I don't need to complicate a seperation by telling her. I'm thinking it would only make things harder, and possibly complicate future relationships for her (increase her inate level of distrust, which is already abnormally high). I'll deal with repentance on the other end.

If I stay, I know I'll need to tell her. I also know that as soon as I tell her, I'll be the focus of any and all scrutiny and it will be me needing to change. She's not a particularly stable person, and I will have hell to pay. Asking her to make changes will be almost out of the question at that point. because of this, I wonder if I should try to approach her about getting counciling and making changes for a few months BEFORE I come clean. That way I can see if we even have a marriage worth saving... Does that sound fair or just selfish?

Anyway, if anyone has input on the above two scenarios, or on anything else please let me know. Again, thank you so much for your time and energy into this subject; and thanks for not being overly judgemental (at least so far!).

twort

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I am sorry to have to say this but it reminds of Jacob saying, "Wherefore, it burdeneth my soul that I should be constrained, because of the strict commandment which I have received from God, to admonish you according to your crimes, to enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded, instead of consoling and healing their wounds; and those who have not been wounded, instead of feasting upon the pleasing word of God have daggers placed to pierce their souls and wound their delicate minds."

First of all, you are not going to be thinking clearly with the burden of sin on you. Satan is going to try and convince you that what you did was ...somewhat justified..all things considered.... It was not justified in anyway.. You need to tell your wife right away.. regardless of the consequences.. then, you need to go into the Bishop (with your wife) and tell him everything. After this, you will be able to see things more clearly as the atonement begins to take hold in your life.

Then, you may want to consider counseling and trying to gain the forgiveness of your wife. Please, the earlier you do this, the sooner the burden will be lifted. The truth will set you free even if you deal with heavy consequences. Your relationship with the other woman must end immediately if you are to try and salvage what is left of your life.

Our Heavenly Father loves you and will work with you through this difficult time. Please, do the right thing in your life. I don't mean to preach to the choir, but, what you did was extremely serious and needs to be ended soon or the ramifications will be much worse in the future.

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@Backroads - I am staying mostly out of obligation; but I do love her. If I could snap my fingers and be single I would, it's all the stuff that comes a long with seperating that causes me hesitation. I'm not sure if it could be healed. I guess if she were to change drastically, I could be happy with her. However, I am of the school that people only change for themselves, but maybe I'm just jaded from my marriage... I also doubt that any change would be a lasting change... again, probably a byproduct of my marriage.

Which is why I wonder if it's worth it to stay in this marriage.

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You can make it work if you BOTH want to. You will need God, your bishop, a marriage counselor and commitment and possibly therapy.

It will not be easy it will be hard it will seem almost impossible. It is a lot of work and you both need to sit down and discuss if its something you want to do.

I suggest reading the book "His needs Her needs" by Willard E. Harley. Read it alone or more helpfully together this is a great start to helping you BOTH realize what is missing and what you could do more to make your relationship work.

It also goes through how you can survive an affair. After reading this tempers should be cooled enough that you can discuss whether or not you are both commited to making the marriage work its either both of you or nothing.

I know you feel your mistress made you feel really good thsi is because she has taken care of your unmet needs if you were to leave you wife for her you would likely be more unhappy than you are now and she as well.

There are needs that are met by your wife that maybe you dont realize and when those needs vanish and are not met anymore you will be miserable. Maybe a seperation is required for you both to see this.

1st things 1st you need to confess and admit to your wrong doings and begin your atonement. It is not hopless and although you have commited a grievous sin you are not beyond forgiveness.

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Guest DeborahC

Respectfully and seriously,

Two cheating spouses getting together?

How would you ever expect to trust each other?

That would be my biggest question...

I also suspect if you marry someone else, you'll be surprised to find her exactly like your first wife, too.

We are attracted to certain people for reasons sometimes unknown to us.

I love the book "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix and highly recommend you read it, even alone, before you leave your current marriage. It might surprise you.

Amazon.com: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples (9780060972929): Harville Hendrix: Books

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I am sorry to have to say this but it reminds of Jacob saying, "Wherefore, it burdeneth my soul that I should be constrained, because of the strict commandment which I have received from God, to admonish you according to your crimes, to enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded, instead of consoling and healing their wounds; and those who have not been wounded, instead of feasting upon the pleasing word of God have daggers placed to pierce their souls and wound their delicate minds."

@Prophet - your words (this scripture) pierce me to my soul. I'm a broken person right now. I have to say, my testimony has grown very small over the years, but I feel culturally LDS and I hope my faith is true. However, regardless of faith, I know I have sinned against my wife and the other woman and her family.

@Backroads - I think you are correct... I fear you are correct... I think at this point it's the "right" thing to do... But I'm not sure.

@John11111 - I don't think my wife will see the bishop..

@DeborahC - I would have thought the same thing 6 months ago. At this point I can say that my former belief "once a cheater always a cheater" is not true. I know it's wrong, and I will NEVER put myself in this situation again, even if only for selfish reasons... this is horrible. The other woman is the opposite of my wife... this is problematic, actually, because our personalities are very similar. I will check the book out from the library.

I never thought I'd be in this situation, but here I am. It sucks. I wish I could go back... But, I will say that no one knows my situation but me, and I know I dealt with it horribly, but I'm trying to do my best to be happy just like everyone else.

Thank you all for your comments.

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Twort ...this was given to a people who would not repent. They were not even searching for God or his ways, they were pervading the ways of Righteousness...By Isaiah the Lord once said to ISrael....

Isaiah 1:5 - Why should ye be stricken any more? ye will revolt more and more: the whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint.

Isaiah 1:6 - From the sole of the foot even unto the head there is no soundness in it; but wounds, and bruises, and putrifying sores: they have not been closed, neither bound up, neither mollified with ointment.

Isaiah 1:7 - Your country is desolate, your cities are burned with fire: your land, strangers devour it in your presence, and it is desolate, as overthrown by strangers

Those who are seeking repentance God will show them the way and heaven will help them, The added bonus in Repentance is that Satan hates it and can't stand it. So repentance keeps the Satan away.

But for them that who head is sick, and the whole heart faint, the whole body is sick and cannot be healed...and when a people is so far gone into error...then as a last measure GOD will enlarge their wounds etc. Which will either bring them to repentance or to the grave.

The law of heaven is the more one is given the more it is required of us.

bert10

@Prophet - your words (this scripture) pierce me to my soul. I'm a broken person right now. I have to say, my testimony has grown very small over the years, but I feel culturally LDS and I hope my faith is true. However, regardless of faith, I know I have sinned against my wife and the other woman and her family.

@Backroads - I think you are correct... I fear you are correct... I think at this point it's the "right" thing to do... But I'm not sure.

@John11111 - I don't think my wife will see the bishop..

@DeborahC - I would have thought the same thing 6 months ago. At this point I can say that my former belief "once a cheater always a cheater" is not true. I know it's wrong, and I will NEVER put myself in this situation again, even if only for selfish reasons... this is horrible. The other woman is the opposite of my wife... this is problematic, actually, because our personalities are very similar. I will check the book out from the library.

I never thought I'd be in this situation, but here I am. It sucks. I wish I could go back... But, I will say that no one knows my situation but me, and I know I dealt with it horribly, but I'm trying to do my best to be happy just like everyone else.

Thank you all for your comments.

Edited by bert10
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Twort,

I have to say that although I am not in your situation, the what if's are wrong. You are married and if you get involved in any way with another woman it is wrong, whether it be emotionally, spiritually or sexually, it is all cheating. And the ther woman is married and you both have children. You shuld not be cheating. If you are not happy, you try to deal with that first

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I think you need to cut off the relationship with Mrs. Girlfriend. She is married and there are children involved. The children take priority over everything because they are completely innocent. Those children's lives will never be the same because of what you and Mrs. Girlfriend did. If they can salvage their marriage, for the sake of the children, then do the honorable thing and leave them alone.

I think you need to confess to your wife and then take it from there. Maybe you two can decide to work on your marriage and maybe you two will decide it's over. But she cannot make any decisions without having all the information, that's not fair. There are marriages who have survived this type of fatal blow and then other marriages that have not. Only you two can decide where you marriage does from here.

I'm sorry you are in such a mess. I think you will find your way out of this somehow but it is probably going to be painful and messy.

Just wanted to add:

A marriage is really hard work. It is also a beautiful thing, a gift from God. My opinion is that a marriage is not really going to work if it's just "an obligation" like some thing on your "to do" list. Both you and your wife deserve to be a in a good, healthy, happy marriage. She is not happy either. I guess any marriage can be fixed with a lot of hard work but you don't really sound too into it. Maybe you both need a clean start?

Edited by Lilac
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I think you need to cut off the relationship with Mrs. Girlfriend. She is married and there are children involved. The children take priority over everything because they are completely innocent. Those children's lives will never be the same because of what you and Mrs. Girlfriend did. If they can salvage their marriage, for the sake of the children, then do the honorable thing and leave them alone.

Thank you Lilac. After her husband found out we had a deep and emotional conversation where I told her I thought she should try to work things out with her husband. She had been trying but essentially told me she wants out of her marriage, as of yesterday. This whole thing is ugly, I've not known inner turmoil until these past few months.. not like this. I'm in love with someone who is off limits and married to someone who I care about and love in a very platonic way. Thank you for your advice, I know you are right.

Just wanted to add:

A marriage is really hard work. It is also a beautiful thing, a gift from God. My opinion is that a marriage is not really going to work if it's just "an obligation" like some thing on your "to do" list. Both you and your wife deserve to be a in a good, healthy, happy marriage. She is not happy either. I guess any marriage can be fixed with a lot of hard work but you don't really sound too into it. Maybe you both need a clean start?

I think my wife is happy. I do my best to do what I'm supposed to do as a good husband. I'm torn between faking my feelings for her sake, or showing how I really feel. Home feels like Hell, but I feel like maybe this is what I deserve. Anyway, thank you very much for your thoughtful input.

twort

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This is because I'm a mom myself to young children, you need to encourage Mrs. Girlfriend to repair her marriage. Her children are caught in the crossfire.

Unless there is abuse or some type of horrible thing in the marriage, my OPINION is that she owes it to her children to try to repair her marriage.

She cannot do that as long as you are there.

I bet your wife is not as happy as you think she is. Usually when one partner is unhappy, the other is also. Maybe they don't show it, but it's there. If your wife doesn't even realize that you are unhappy, then your marriage wasn't so solid to start with. That is another topic. ;)

I'm no expert on this topic (which is a good thing) but if you have sinned and committed adultury, wouldn't you have to completely stop your relationship with Mrs. Girlfriend? How can you repent of your sin if you are still in it? I'm sincerely asking that, maybe someone else can jump in and discuss that.

Your note should be mandatory reading for young married couples.

You sound very sincere and I really do hope that you find your way out of this.

Like I said, because I'm a mom, I really feel for those kids. You guys are adults and made your choices. Children are innocent and they will carry this around with them for the rest of their life.

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She may want out of the marriage. But the law is what God has Joined together let no man put asunder. If she has any consideration for GOD...then teach her the law. Even if she gets a earthly divorce, it is no guarantee that GOD in heaven will put her marriage asunder.

What people forget when they go to divorce is the Spiritual component of the Marriage which only GOD decides if it is to be severed or not. When it is the Lord will let the husband know. Judges, governments, justice of the peace have no authority over GOD and their decrees concerning divorce has not the power to unseal in heaven.

Unconditional Love is at first an act of will...and with time..as a Man/woman thinketh in his/her heart so are they. In other words if we think Love we become it. And we cease to worry about what is in it for me. For unconditional love is a giving love. It is the same kind of Love that Christ has for us. It is written that this love is patient, and it heals, does not seek to control and passeth knowledge.

The law is that a man will cleave only to his wife.

In this day an age we are become a wicked and adulterous generation as people divorce each other and marry others because they blame their spouse for being unhappy which is the result of Conditional Love which God has called Darkness. Because this love comes with fears and as it is written with fear comes torments. And is not hell a place where people have torments?

The choice is ours. We can bring down heaven on the earth or we can choose to raise hell on it.

bert10

Thank you Lilac. After her husband found out we had a deep and emotional conversation where I told her I thought she should try to work things out with her husband. She had been trying but essentially told me she wants out of her marriage, as of yesterday. This whole thing is ugly, I've not known inner turmoil until these past few months.. not like this. I'm in love with someone who is off limits and married to someone who I care about and love in a very platonic way. Thank you for your advice, I know you are right.

Just wanted to add:

I think my wife is happy. I do my best to do what I'm supposed to do as a good husband. I'm torn between faking my feelings for her sake, or showing how I really feel. Home feels like Hell, but I feel like maybe this is what I deserve. Anyway, thank you very much for your thoughtful input.

twort

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You guys would probaly benefit from some type of counseling and figuring out what is wrong with your marriage and what is right.

You already know what is wrong but there must be somethings that are good with it. Can you find them? Can she find them?

You sound committed to Mrs. Wife. That must be a start.

Mrs. Girlfriend is as mixed up as you are. You need to think for yourself and your wife. Mrs. Girlfriend is not your wife, she belongs to another man. You need to release her of this emotional torment and move away from her. The two of you have wandered into a path of destrution and you need to RUN from the sin and towards the holy. You know what is right and what is wrong. The trouble is that your heart does not want to hear it. But you know it.

Religious talk aside, can you and Mrs. Girlfriend ever have a good, solid relationship when it was conceinved in deceit and dishonor? Don't they say that relationships that start like yours did usually fizzle out? It's not a real relationship...it is built on that erotic thrill of cheating and doing something rebellious and something that has no strings attached.

Back to the religious talk again, ;) Marriage is a blessing from God. IF you left your wife and really had a relationship with Mrs. Girlfriend, how would that ever be blessed? It was just wrong from the start. Could you ever get over that? Can fruit blossom from a dead tree?

Your note was on my mind today for whatever reason. I have a few close friends dealing with this same thing right now so maybe that is why.

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Twort,

been where you are got the t-shirt and kept the wife. here is the answer:

it saved our marriage.

WELBUTRIN

Bupropion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I made an appointment, TOOK my wife to the dr. explained to him her symptoms, he put her on welbutrin and WHAM! like night and day, i had my original wife back, happy, outgoing, active in church, with family, (in bed)...

she will be the first to tell you that welbutrin saved our marriage and her sanity.

look into it, take charge and GET YOUR LIFE BACK IN ORDER!

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welbutrin was horrible to me but I found the right one and for me a mom it is so nice to finally in the middle of winter to be happy, not foggy minded and not crying all the time. It sometimes takes awhile to find the right med also for me it was very hard to accept the need for meds but when I finally did my life changed so much for the better.

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Twort,

been where you are got the t-shirt and kept the wife. here is the answer:

it saved our marriage.

WELBUTRIN

Thanks for the advice - something I've thought about a lot in the past. I'm familiar with the drug and others like it.

What did you mean by "been where you are got the t-shirt and kept the wife."? Did you stray? If so, could you expound on your experience and how your wife took the news? If not, what does that mean??

twort:confused:

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I'm no expert on this topic (which is a good thing) but if you have sinned and committed adultury, wouldn't you have to completely stop your relationship with Mrs. Girlfriend? How can you repent of your sin if you are still in it? I'm sincerely asking that, maybe someone else can jump in and discuss that.

Your note should be mandatory reading for young married couples.

You sound very sincere and I really do hope that you find your way out of this.

Like I said, because I'm a mom, I really feel for those kids. You guys are adults and made your choices. Children are innocent and they will carry this around with them for the rest of their life.

Thank you for thinking of me Lilac.

If "Mrs. Girlfriend" and I ended up together, legitimately, we would either have to stop things sexually, or see if things lead to marriage and I'd try to fix things then. That is a huge what if and not very likely, all things considered. However, I doubt the bishop's council or stake council would require that I break up with her, but I guess I don't really know. I've never been a part of a stake level disciplinary council... it sounds pretty scary to me. I guess I'll find out what it's like some day. Does anyone out there have an answer?

Her kids are innocent victims, and I am their assailant. Her husband has also been hurt terribly. Because her husband is the immediate victim, I think about him a lot. Terrible.

Twort

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You sound committed to Mrs. Wife. That must be a start.

I'm glad that comes through. I am very platonically committed to my wife. Hopefully that will change if I am able to work things out.

Lilac Quote: "Religious talk aside, can you and Mrs. Girlfriend ever have a good, solid relationship when it was conceinved in deceit and dishonor? Don't they say that relationships that start like yours did usually fizzle out? It's not a real relationship...it is built on that erotic thrill of cheating and doing something rebellious and something that has no strings attached."

I understand what you mean. I could be totally blinded by passion, but to be honest it started off as an emotional affair, and landed where it is now. I'm in love with Mrs. Girlfirend, and she is in love with me. I feel quilty stating this here, but that is an important detail...

Lilac Quote: "Back to the religious talk again, ;) Marriage is a blessing from God. IF you left your wife and really had a relationship with Mrs. Girlfriend, how would that ever be blessed? It was just wrong from the start. Could you ever get over that? Can fruit blossom from a dead tree?"

I don't know.

Lilac Quote: "Your note was on my mind today for whatever reason. I have a few close friends dealing with this same thing right now so maybe that is why."

Thank you Lilac. The more I think and the more I flop back and forth on the issue, the more I think I just need to tell my wife the truth and see where it takes me. I can't stay here in limbo, it's going to kill me, literally. I keep thinking I want to wait and see what happens with this or that or until after this or that, but I think I need to walk into this firepit sooner than later. I certainly can't keep going on like this. I need to prepare for the worste and move forward..

Thanks again. Twort.

Edited by twort
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