I (The Cheater) Have a Dillemma...


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I understand what you mean. I could be totally blinded by passion, but to be honest it started off as an emotional affair, and landed where it is now. I'm in love with Mrs. Girlfirend, and she is in love with me. I feel quilty stating this here, but that is an important detail...

Thanks again. Twort.

There is a very big difference between these two terms

to be in-love with someone is about how they make you feel 'gaga' and it is wonderfully selfish (when it works) and horribly painful when it doesn't. In either case it's really about your feelings and not the other person. Passion is a great way to start a relationship but it never lasts.

to love someone. Love here is a verb, it's something you actively do to someone else. When you verb love your spouse or children, it's a selfless act and not about the passion.

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I have read through all of these, and, to put things simply, what a bunch of wasted words of explaining how it wasn't "the cheater's" (sorry for lack of a better word) fault and how if his wife was better he wouldn't have strayed, and he will stay with her if she gets better.

I do feel for people who end up married to someone who changes, and who end up making them unhappy,

Yet, there is no excuse for infidelity. I don't care that you are in love with her, that doesn't mean it is somehow ok or you are given a small pass because you "love" her. Your choices led you to fall in love with her, it wasn't something miraculous that you were led together. Satan probably helped with that one. He makes us explain it away in wasted words even while we say we know we are wrong, we know who we hurt, but.... blah, blah, blah.

You should have invested in your marriage, worked your hardest until there was no other option left but to separate and divorce if there is no chance of renewal. Made her enter into counseling, marriage and individual. If she would be unwilling, and you had done all that you could, then a divorce would be a terrible, but necessary option. And you know what the good part would be? You could find someone who loves you and you truly "love", without sin, without hurting anyone.

That is how you could find true love, especially if somehow your marriage is saved.

Stop making any excuses, you know that you are completely and utterly in the wrong, and need to end the affair at once. It does not matter to HF that you are "in love" with the other woman. That was your choice.

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Twort, been there, done that. Advice:

1) Cut off the contact with the married woman, period. None, zip, nada. It began in a destructive way, it will only end that way.

2) If it doesn't get any better, divorce. I may get flamed for this, but every relationship I've listened to where they say they don't love each other, the first question is "how intimate are you with each other?" The answer is always "we're not." If she's lost interest in sex, she's lost interest in you, period. A married couple cannot be open and share with each other in any other aspect in their relationship if they are not willing to have sex together.

3) You're fighting a battle of your need for attachment and companionship. The adversary is using this as a way in to ruin you. Get with your Bishop, therapist, Stake President, whomever and work this out. Unless you get it put into the proper role and perspective, you will only go into relationship after relationship with no satisfaction and possibly overwhelming the person with your needs.

Brother, I'm still working through this one. You're not alone in feeling this way.

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Thank you all for your posts.

Todd: I know the difference... I've felt love many times, and been in love a few times as well.

MorningStar: That's just not true. I may be a horrible person, and committed horrible sins, but your comment just isn't true...

Sweetpea: You are totally and completely correct. That is exactly what I should have done... but here I am. Now what?? That's what I'm asking. Your comment was very insightful. I've read other posts of yours, by the way, and I think you are a very forgiving and loving person. Good luck on your journey in life.

Slamjet: How can I do what you say? I feel like I've ruined enough, I don't want to cause more pain. Our jobs bring us together every day. We both are very fortunate to have excellent jobs, and we would be stupid to throw away our careers. Maybe I should rephrase my comment like this: You say you've been there and done that, how did you "Cut off the contact with the (other) woman, period. None, zip, nada"?

Thanks everyone. Even if I don't agree with your comments, I appreciate the time you spend to give your input.

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No, it's the truth. President Kimball had strong words for fornicators who came into his office and justified their actions due to their "love" for each other. Strong sexual attraction doesn't equal love. To love is to be selfless and keep the other's well being a priority. You have both given each other the label of adulterer. You could lose your church membership. She will lose the respect of her children. Neither of you acted in the best interest of the other. That is lust.

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Sweetpea: You are totally and completely correct. That is exactly what I should have done... but here I am. Now what?? That's what I'm asking.

I think you know the answer to that. Sometimes I think we make things over difficult when the answer is so simple. The problem is going to be what you want to do vs what you should do.

I am thinking the male part of you wants to stay with the other woman and have a wonderful life together, but still "feel" bad for hurting your spouses, but "true love" must prevail...

and the God-fearing part of you wants to confess to your wife, seek the bishop's council, and work towards forgiveness.

Sometimes things are very simple, but we are the ones that make them so darn complicated.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Some of you need to grow up and accept that the church isnt everything and Twort should follow his heart not all your insane antics. Life is to short to live in misery. Stop ruining others lives and start living your own

I'm sorry, who are you? And who's holding a gun to Twort's head?

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The church has most likely been holding a symbolic gun to his head for years.

I see, so you're against organized religion because it's a mind-melting way to control it's "flock." If you knew anything about ours you would be familiar with our principle of "free agency."

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Furthermore, if you bothered to read any of Twort's posts throughout this forum, you would understand that he has a level head and will very much think his way through this and end up making the correct decision for himself in the end. Just that he went about this in the wrong order.

So "Really," get of your self imposed high-horse of self righteousness and be real.

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Some of you need to grow up and accept that the church isnt everything and Twort should follow his heart not all your insane antics. Life is to short to live in misery. Stop ruining others lives and start living your own

Gotta love how selective people can be about "following their heart".

Would you REALLY suggest that Twort "follow his heart" if his "true love" were underage?

Would you REALLY suggest that Twort "follow his heart" if his "heart's desire" was mentally incompetent and unable to consent to the "relationship"?

Would you REALLY suggest that Twort "follow his heart" is his "heart's desire" weren't intersted (or worse, was violently opposed"?

The problem here isn't "the Church". It's the fact that Twort and his intended have already made vows to someone else and have now broken those vows.

Why is it that the only vows and moral and legal obligations you seem to consider unworthy of upholding are his marriage vows?

The problem here isn't "the Church", it's the promises they've made to others (and must now reconcile against their actions and mistakes).

"But I want it" isn't love. It's fantasy, it's self-indulgence, and it's self-justification.

"If it feels good, do it" is a very vapid, and very hollow self-rationalization, not a reasoned position.

It is selfishness and narcissism embodied....but it is not love.

Edited by selek
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  • 2 months later...

By way of update, I'll provide another post here. Everything is still crazy. I feel guilt and sorrow a lot, but I'm finally coming to the point where I realize that there is no easy way out, or good way out, or quick way out. People are going to get hurt because of me.

Both the other woman and I have decided to end our marriages and give each other a "real" try. Neither of us have made that final step yet, but that is where we are. No promises. Honestly, my wife deserves an honest man who is more like her... I can't be happy with my wife, and she wouldn't be happy with me if she knew the truth. I believe I will be happy. I know many of you will be sceptical, but I'm open minded and hopeful. This whole thing has taken its toll on both the OW and me emotionally and physically, and it's time to move on. My feelings toward her haven't faded, only grown.

JustAnotherGirl: thank you. Best. Post. Ever.

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Twort, do what you need to do to get your life in order. If it means leaving your wife, then that's what you need to do. I believe that you are going through a very difficult time right now. Not only are you, but your wife and children and the other woman too. Do what you feel is right after you've prayed about it. If that means leaving your wife and children, because the marriage is over anyway, then get on with your life. Don't drag it on and on, where there is no closure for you, your wife, or the other woman. Sometimes, we make mistakes in our lives that hurt others, and ourselves, but I know that the Lord loves you and will forgive you. Take care!

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.02 - Twort, best of luck on your journey. I wish you happiness. You've gotten a lot of advice and it seems you've made your choice. Reading this post..... it reminds me of my sons slinky thats all tied up and is very difficult to untangle. I've seen people pull hard on it and it untangles a bit, but it also causes more damage. Seen my kids get tired of untangling and just throw it away out of frustration. I did enjoy slowly untangling it and after working at it for a while, voila! and its back, and it works, very rewarding. Youre family is all tied up..... dont buy a new one til youre done untangling that mess you caused. Im not in any way condemning you, I would be condemning myself. I just want you to feel free, no matter how much it hurts. Again, best of luck friend. We'll be here if you need us.

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