I (The Cheater) Have a Dillemma...


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"What kind of person" am I? I strive to be a woman of God who seeks to champion the cause of innocent children. I am a fellow woman whose heart breaks for your betrayed wife. Outside of this false high in the little foggy world you and your mistress "blissfully" live in, this is the truth of the situation:

1 Nephi 16

2 And it came to pass that I said unto them that I knew that I had spoken hard things against the wicked, according to the truth; and the righteous have I justified, and testified that they should be lifted up at the last day; wherefore, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center.

3 And now my brethren, if ye were righteous and were willing to hearken to the truth, and give heed unto it, that ye might walk uprightly before God, then ye would not murmur because of the truth, and say: Thou speakest hard things against us.

Jacob 2

35 Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our brethren. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds.

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And I just don't think that this thread should rest on your justifications for rejecting your wife's efforts at saving your family, lest anyone else come and read this and think that there is any good reason to walk away from a spouse who is willing to try.

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Badwolf - I'm no saint, obviously. I wasn't trying to paint myself in a good light. I was not physically violent or abusive, unless you are referring to how my deception hurt my wife... The final comment is truly unwarranted. Why did you post that?- .

The threat of physical violence, plus the actual physical violence = physical abuse

If someone is punching and kicking walls "and stuff", its no great leap to have it be yourself. It's threatening violence against a person by acting out violence in proxy. It's also know as 'escalating' or 'training' behavior. Nearly a wife beaters and child abusers start out on 'stuff'. Then, when either the threat is no longer enough to cow their victims OR the person happens to be standing too close during a temper tantrum.. It progresses onto physical violence against the person themselves. It's classic abuse modeling. Which makes me VERY afraid for the physical, emotional, and mental well being of anyone in your care.

Far from unwarranted... It's like seeing a drunk careen down the street. Chances are, they won't wreck. This time. Or maybe even next time. Or the time after. But when you see someone driving drunk, you'd be a fool not to connect the dots.

You have problems with anger, justifications, and impulse control. That's picking up the bottle. 'Punching and kicking walls and stuff' is climbing behind the wheel and putting it in drive.

Quote from your first post. Rather buried, but from someone whose worked in this area a lot, its like a Giant Glowing Neon Sign: " First of all, I have wronged her in the past. I have yelled, I punch and kick walls and stuff when I’m angry, and have stormed off for an hour or more..."

Secondly... The adultery thing? STDs are not only passed via sex. They're passed by blood on blood contact, and via semen and other bodily fluids, and certain types just by direct contact/friction. Hint: All the 'you can't catch AIDs from' places? You CAN catch other STD/STI's from. You and your mistress were each having sex with 2 people (that you know of. She could have been betraying her husband with more than one man, and he could have been betraying her in kind with the entire state). Heaven only knows how many sexual partners were actually involved in your adultery. 4 at a minimum, and possibly hundreds.

I am more than reasonably worried about the health of all those involved. In no small part, because kids cut themselves ALL the time, but also touch sticky things, put things in their mouths (teething, bit tongues, bit lips creating open wounds for transfer of all STDs, including the normally difficult HIV virus) , etc. a parent who has a known STD lives a VERY different life with their children than most parents... Because its soooooooo easy to pass things onto kids. Not only HIV... But sharing towels passes along genital warts (from sloughed skin of the warts), herpes virus is another easy to catch one, and then you've got the 'treatable' ones... That few people test a 6yo for. A good 10 years with chlamydia or gonorrhea ... And there is infertility at best, major organ or brain damage at best. I pray for those kids, that none of the adults in their lives have made life even harder for them, by passing on STDs/STIs to them.

So I believe I'm warranted in being afraid for everyone in your present or future care.

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I just thought I would post an update, maybe my last. Maybe one more when there is more closure.

Both of us are currently seeking divorces, mine may finalize in a week, and maybe in a year. Both of our spouses know what we did, and with whom we did it with. There are no longer any secrets. The novelty has worn off, but we still deeply love each other. I would never suggest anyone choose the route I chose, or the route she chose. I hope God forgives us, because behind us lies a trail of pain, and carnage. But our spouses can in no way be held harmless. I can especially attest to that in my situation. No one should go back and read my posts and waste their time, but my spouse did not respect me or treat me well. I can't say she didn't try to save things in the end, I can't even deny that she tried desperately to win me back, but I was so far emotionally removed that there was simply no way. Our marriage was already bad, and my extramarital affair demolished what remained.

My family knows almost everything, and almost all of her family knows everything. We have so many complications, but honestly neither of us could keep away. Maybe stronger people would have made wiser choices, maybe stronger people would have moved faster. It's very confusing, but I do see that I was blinded by emotion when I composed many of those posts. I made so many mistakes. I am madly in love with someone who is madly in love with me, but our relationship will always be tainted, we will always have distrust, and we will always have to justify ourselves to her children, any children we have, and to ourselves. Like I said, there are no secrets, and many willing to tell our story to those we care about. Bad combination.

Some things are certain: I am very happy in my current relationship and I feel alive, I never should have gotten married with the feelings I had at the time, and I am a deeply flawed person.

No one has walked in our shoes, so be careful about harsh judgement. Even if I get a taste of my own medicine, or I make the same mistakes again, at least I've lived. At least I'm alive for this time of my life. I was totally dead inside, and now I'm excited to see the person I love. I've never been loved this way myself. I have a chance at it. It's been two years... a short time in the grand scheme of things, but about a year and a half longer than I've even been excited about someone before. This is worth a shot for me. I've aged 5 years in 2. I am broke. Her situation is about the same.

I've been separated for a year. I will never regret leaving my old life behind. When I think of it my stomach fills with knots. Will I regret my new life? I hope not. I am in love. I am excited each morning. I'm lucky to feel this way for as long as it lasts, which I hope is forever; but I'm not ignorant to the facts.

I hope those of you who are unhappy in your relationships will do something about it. I don't know if counseling works, but please try it. Don't stay together for the kids. If you can't make yourself happy within your marriage and you've been honestly trying for a year than leave it behind. All wounds will heal.

I don't know if Mark Twain really said this or not, but it is often attributed to him (and I like it regardless): "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover"

It's been the hardest time of my life, but I am happy. I have regrets, and made bad choices, but what choice do I have now? It's behind me, and all I can do is move on and try to learn.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Congratulations. You sided with Satan and his minions. You deliberately, very willingly sinned against the Holy God, your wife, destroyed the lives of innocent children, and an innocent man. It's God who you betrayed most of all. Someday you will face Him. Do you know what He'll say about your rationalization of your grievous sin? It won't be pretty, seeing as how you are unrepentant. It is a horrible thing to face God with an unrepentant heart.

Edited by Irishcolleen
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I don't think you want our advice anymore. You knew what the right answer when you posed the question. Were you looking for someone to pat you on the back and say it's okay? You don't sound torn anymore because you've blocked that part of yourself that knows you've done wrong. To call this a less than ideal way to be with someone is really putting it mildly. The love you say you feel is truly for your own happiness and not the good of the other person because you know in your heart what is best. How do I know? I have had to let go of a person I truly loved because I knew that by being with me they could not reach their full happiness. To call letting go hard is beyond an understatement. In the short term yes your relationship is pleasurable the euphoria of this passionate romance is like an emotional addiction. Yet if you were completely sure that this was the right thing then why would you keep revisiting this forum? You KNOW what you should do. It is so obvious and yet you come back here trying to justify yourself. It isn't only your wife you hurt. Your lover has been hurt too and you won't see it because you have her. You have soured the church and your values for her, her husband and children. I cannot imagine the resentment they will feel toward you as they grow older. Love, unfortunately does not conquer all. You know it and to keep trying to say it's okay because you're happy is exactly what you know it is, selfish and wrong. All I have to say is that if your mind is made up and nothing we say is going to change that, you should quit visiting this forum. No one can back you up. I think you know that.

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I just thought I would post an update, maybe my last. Maybe one more when there is more closure.

...

Well Twort, you made up your mind and now you get to live with it. Good luck and I sincerely hope it all works out for you. If anything, I'm pulling for you but you'll be dealing with consequences for a long time, but then, you already know that.

If I may, I am disappointed at some of the posts from some. It seems that some folks don't realize that behind 99.9% of failed marriage are mistakes on both sides. I know I've looked back on my failed marriage and while I know I'm the ultimate cause of our divorce, we both realize that we both had a hand in how it lead up to that point. When we tried to rekindle the relationship again, all the old stuff, habits and un-dealt with personal issues came back and we saw very clear why we're not married again. It pretty much sealed the deal that it's over.

It also seems that folks don't realize just how intense extramarital relationships and affairs can get. It's so extreme that even now, years later, I still have to deal with intense feelings that pop up every so often. It happens less and less often as time goes by, but it's still there.

So for those who post that they don't understand how things can go bad after 1, 5, 10, 25, 50, etc years of marriage, well, all I can say is I'm glad you don't. It really sucks the life out of a person. So for what Twort did, his method leaves something to be desired, and he's got a whole ton of consequences for a long time because of what he did, but I can say I truly understand because of my own experiences and I'm pleased he stepped up and is dealing with it. Believe it or not, there are times where being on one's own is a whole better than being tied to a dead marriage.

Edited by slamjet
Added a couple words for clarification.
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I hope more than anything else you do, is that you find a kind and experienced counselor because you need some important life and communication skills. I hope you take time to heal and focus yourself in a health and happy manner. It sounds as if you chose someone that wasn't truly available to turn towards and created great pain and hardship for all of those involved. Life's hard enough without us burning our bridges before we cross them. FairChild

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I think you hit the nail on the head. Those who have never been in a truly destructive relationship don't understand that it's not just regular marital strife and count your blessings that you don't. Unfortunately it's also hard to tell when you are in a destructive relationship and when to stay and when to back out leaving you vulnerable to all sorts of mistakes you never thought you would make.

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Thank you all sincerely for your words of support, kindness, and even your criticism. I only update this forum in case someone else is having trouble and wants to follow my story start to finish. I hope no one chooses my path. I should have given an ultimadum, triend serious counseling, and then got my divorce. As that point my heart would be free and I could start over, after finding myself again; I could have felt good about my journey and wouldn't have to deal with all of the baggage my current relationship. But life is crazy and full of "if onlys". Making the best of where you are now is all you can do sometimes... and for me that is moving forward with my life, and trying to make things work with the woman I love.

Slamjet, I appreciate your comments so much. I've been very frank and haven't been trying to convince anyone that I'm the good guy. I don't believe I am an abusive person, and there are no lines to read between. It's all here. If I wanted people to tell me to follow my heart and to justify my ations I wouldn't go to the mormon blog (attn. Eowyn, Badwolf and others)!! I'd go to cheaters annonymous or yahoo or ANYWHERE BUT HERE! I will probably post another update someday, and I'll keep monitoring this blog.

Divorce sure is ugly by the way... no one ends up feeling right in the end.

Again, thank you all.

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  • 1 month later...
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Thank you all sincerely for your words of support, kindness, and even your criticism. I only update this forum in case someone else is having trouble and wants to follow my story start to finish. I hope no one chooses my path. I should have given an ultimadum, triend serious counseling, and then got my divorce. As that point my heart would be free and I could start over, after finding myself again; I could have felt good about my journey and wouldn't have to deal with all of the baggage my current relationship. But life is crazy and full of "if onlys". Making the best of where you are now is all you can do sometimes... and for me that is moving forward with my life, and trying to make things work with the woman I love.

Slamjet, I appreciate your comments so much. I've been very frank and haven't been trying to convince anyone that I'm the good guy. I don't believe I am an abusive person, and there are no lines to read between. It's all here. If I wanted people to tell me to follow my heart and to justify my ations I wouldn't go to the mormon blog (attn. Eowyn, Badwolf and others)!! I'd go to cheaters annonymous or yahoo or ANYWHERE BUT HERE! I will probably post another update someday, and I'll keep monitoring this blog.

Divorce sure is ugly by the way... no one ends up feeling right in the end.

Again, thank you all.

I've been a "lurker" on these forums for quite a while and this thread infuriated me to the point of creating an account so that I could respond.

WTF is all I have to say to the judgmental posters who are bashing twort for his decision! Who the heck are you to judge someone else and play Jesus? Since when did God bestow that authority upon you?

Twort, I have been where you are before. I completely understand and empathize with you! Your marriage ended a loooong time ago before the divorce and you did nothing wrong. In fact, the mere fact that you told your spouse (and your current love told her spouse) the truth speaks volumes about you! Let no one here judge you because you know what? These people posting these atrocious things here are just envious that you had the courage to do what they don't have the "cojones" to do.... leave a situation when they are unhappy.

When things progress to a certain point, there is no going back, no matter how hard a couple tries at working things out. My ex cheated on my with another woman, was abusive to me, etc... and when I decided it was time to leave, at that moment someone walked into my life who gave me the strength and courage I needed to leave. At first I felt guilty but guilt is only something that religion instills in people as a way to control them. Today, the Lord has blessed me with a wonderful husband, a very happy life, and wonderful opportunities that would not be possible had I stayed.

Twort, I hope that you have all the happiness in the world that you deserve. And to all the judgmental people throwing around Satan's name.... TAKE A GOOD LOOK IN THE MIRROR before you say Satan's name and know that YOU ARE NOT PERFECT EITHER.

Jesus loves you all.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Just wanted to post something that was removed by the moderators for some reason. Rainb0w is or was investigating the church - she said that some of the more judgmental posts in here really turned her off. I told her that this thread probably attracts people who have been hurt by infidelity before, hence the aggressive stance of some. I also told her people aren't like this face to face, that's why online bullying is such a problem. And again, when I posted here I was looking for honest responses from an array of people, which is what I got. Anyway, I've edited her post just to be sure there's no reason it could be "moderated"...

Her original post:

I've been a "lurker" on these forums for quite a while and this thread infuriated me to the point of creating an account so that I could respond.

(What the heck?) is all I have to say to the judgmental posters who are bashing twort for his decision! Who the heck are you to judge someone else and play Jesus? Since when did God bestow that authority upon you?

Twort, I have been where you are before. I completely understand and empathize with you! Your marriage ended a loooong time ago before the divorce and you did nothing wrong. In fact, the mere fact that you told your spouse (and your current love told her spouse) the truth speaks volumes about you! Let no one here judge you because you know what? These people posting these atrocious things here are just envious that you had the courage to do what they don't have the "cojones" to do.... leave a situation when they are unhappy.

When things progress to a certain point, there is no going back, no matter how hard a couple tries at working things out. My ex cheated on my with another woman, was abusive to me, etc... and when I decided it was time to leave, at that moment someone walked into my life who gave me the strength and courage I needed to leave. At first I felt guilty but guilt is only something that religion instills in people as a way to control them. Today, the Lord has blessed me with a wonderful husband, a very happy life, and wonderful opportunities that would not be possible had I stayed.

Twort, I hope that you have all the happiness in the world that you deserve. And to all the judgmental people throwing around Satan's name.... TAKE A GOOD LOOK IN THE MIRROR before you say Satan's name and know that YOU ARE NOT PERFECT EITHER.

Jesus loves you all.

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Don't stay together for the kids.

Poor kids. They're always the helpless victims of people's selfishness, aren't they? So who is willing to sacrifice themselves to fight for the children's happiness? Are we really that hard-hearted? And you wonder why so many of them are so badly messed up.

So, I stand here and I will leave others to comment on your newfound happiness... while I fight for children's happiness. And here's what I have to say - Yes, stay together for the kids if that's what it takes. Stop thinking about your happiness and channel every ounce of your strength in service to your children. They deserve nothing less.

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Edited by anatess
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