I (The Cheater) Have a Dillemma...

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I guess you have to do what you have to do, but be honest and say that you are choosing your own wants and needs over those of your respective spouses and children. My ex-husband liked to say things like "Honestly, my wife deserves an honest man who is more like her" too. He's tried to tell me that the reason he left is because I will be happier with someone else, but the truth is that he didn't leave me with someone els, he left me alone with a child.

He's the one with someone else (BTW, they've been living together for almost two years and they seem happy)

Oh, and PS: I was a good wife. I cooked for him, and cleaned his house, and worked full time, and did his laundry, mowed the lawn, and had sex with him on a regular basis.

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Well, I know this is long overdue, but I've just read over this thread in its entirity. Only you know the details of your current marriage in the fullest, but based on the information you have provided here, I believe you are making a mistake. You are making a decision based on your fears of confession. You do not wish to admit your sins to your wife or give her a chance to see the whole picture. You are also turning away from the eternal blessings promised you if you will repent. Leaving your wife to continue pursuing this relationship will only deepen your sin, pushing you further into the arms of adultery.

You had the first step of repentance down when you posted here- you recognized your fault and felt guilt and remorse. This, however, is where Satan works the hardest at you. He uses your guilt like a tool to pull you deeper into his embrace, deeper into your misery, and further from repentance. He wants you to feel like there is no forgiveness, there is no turning back, there is no correction, nothing better for you than the path you are currently trodding. He wants you to feel so guilty that it tears you up inside and you feel as though nothing you do could make things any better or worse. He wants you to feel that you are lost and can never return, so you might as well keep on going into the pit of snakes.

I have felt such guilt, and it is horribly destructive. It blinds you from the truth and what would otherwise be obvious to you. The "relief" you find with this woman will only be temporary. If you are both willing to turn your backs on your current marriage commitments for one another, you will never have a relationship built on trust. I hate to be harsh, but you are making the selfish decision in this, and a relationship built on selfishness is no relationship at all. It will be torn apart. Somewhere down the road, you will find all this "happiness" you now feel with her dissolving in a sea of distrust and despair. Satan does not want you to be happy; he wants you to be miserable. If you make a choice based on his guidance, you will become trapped in his chains.

If you truly love this other women, you will want to do what is best. You will do what you know to be right instead of acting selfishly. You are both acting selfishly. She has turned her back on her husband and children for her temporary respite with you, and you have turned your back on your wife. Whether or not your marriage is repairable, you will never know if you do not try. You cannot know how your wife will react, if she will be able to forgive and work on your marriage with you, if you never give her that chance. Try to think for a moment if you were in her shoes- if she were the adulterer and you the one oblivious to her actions. How can you possibly think you are doing right by her if you just leave without ever telling her, without ever giving her a chance? And even if your marriage cannot be repaired, you can still repent. You can still pull away from Satan's lies and do the right thing.

My brother is in a pickle similar to yours. I don't know if your wife is abusive, but his is. They have both been adulterous. She ended up in jail, because she did so with a minor- and while she was in jail he filed for a divorce. But, he never went though and finished it, so they are still married. They keep going back and forth, saying they are going to try and work it out then splitting back up again. Through all this, he started his own affair. He is constantly back and forth between his wife and this other woman. He has two kids. It is tearing them apart. I have talked extensively with both him and his wife, and I can tell you that their marriage is irrepairable, and all this back and forth is doing far more harm than good.

My advice to him was to cut off both relationships and start working on healing himself. He needs to get his divorce finalized, and he needs to cut off all ties with this other woman. No good can come from continuing to dig yourself deeper into a world of hurt and sin. If his wife were not abusive, my advice would be different. I would tell him to cling unto his wife, to admit everything to her, to be completely open and honest with her, to seek counseling, visit with the bishop together, and get his "house in order". That is the advice I offer you, though from the sound of things you've made your decision and it will fall on deaf ears.

If you can so easily cast off your marriage for someone who relates to you better than your wife, you will never be happy in a relationship. As soon as something comes along that makes your current relationship hard, there will be doubts, there will be anger, there will be hurt. You will not ever be truly happy until you complete the repentance process. You need to CONFESS and FORSAKE your sins. Tell your wife. Tell your bishop. Separate yourself from this woman- and if that means quitting your job, yes. Do it. Follow the example of Joseph of Egypt and FLEE from your temptation, even if such flight does not improve your worldly circumstances. Eventually, you will receive the Father's blessings for your efforts and your repentance, and you will find His blessings to be far greater than anything you could receive in your current direction.

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  • 2 months later...


been where you are got the t-shirt and kept the wife. here is the answer:

it saved our marriage.


Bupropion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I made an appointment, TOOK my wife to the dr. explained to him her symptoms, he put her on welbutrin and WHAM! like night and day, i had my original wife back, happy, outgoing, active in church, with family, (in bed)...

she will be the first to tell you that welbutrin saved our marriage and her sanity.

look into it, take charge and GET YOUR LIFE BACK IN ORDER!

Wife went on Cymbalta on Monday, hopefully she will become a happier person - the OW left her husband and moved into an apartment, I was too slow. Lost my opportunity because she went back to her husband after 2 weeks of non-action on my part. Says she couldn't do that to her kids, but I know it was my lack of response that caused this. I couldn't bring myself to destroy another person (my wife) in time to make a difference.

I'm ashamed, sad, and still want a divorce. Now I'll be divorced, depressed, excommunicated, and alone. To be honest, my primary regret at this point is not leaving sooner. The damage was already done to my marriage, and I couldn't pull the trigger. I'll try to find my way at church again, but now everyone will know, or at least think they know, what ended my marriage. Excommunications cannot be secret in a religious Mormon family - no blessings, no garments, no sacrament... don't really know what to expect. I'm in the 30-35 age group - if I want to find a nice Mormon girl how do I explain myself? Do I have to tell future relationships that I cheated? All questions I have to ask myself now.

The moral of the story: Don't cheat. But if you do, and you know you might be happy, and know that you aren't happy now - pull the freakin trigger and make your move.

I have few regrets in my life - I served an honorable mission, have had some great relationships, and some not so great ones, have made mostly good decisions, have never stolen anything other than this woman's heart. Now I've crushed both of our hearts. We both still work together, both have excellent jobs, college degress and beyond, great family support, and loving, supportive people around us. But we don't have love. I will never do this again, that's for certain.

All I can do now is be supportive of the OW from a distance and not try to ruin what she's trying. I think that's the last decision I can make that I can feel good about in the future. I want her to find happiness at least, I don't want to screw that up. We had what is probably our last heart to heart conversation this morning, cried at each other from across a table. No hug, only a promise from her that she was closing her heart and doing this for her kids. As if that made it better.

I'm just rambling, but I thought I'd post the final chaptor of my story here. This has been a terrible adventure and I thank you all for your comments. Please don't jusdge me or people who make similar mistakes. We're all people, and make decisions as best as we can - some are better than others. None of you know what it's like to be me, in my situation. Keep that in mind.

I guess that's it....

‘Do not pursue the past.

Do not lose yourself in the future.

The past no longer is.

The future has not yet come.

Looking deeply at life as it is

in the very here and now,

the practitioner dwells

in stability and freedom.

We must be diligent today.

To wait until tomorrow is too late.

Death comes unexpectedly.

How can we bargain with it?

The sage calls a person who knows

how to dwell in mindfulness

night and day

‘one who knows

the better way to live alone.’

-Bhaddekaratta Sutta

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twort, It is not over yet. There is still hope for you! Have you confessed your adulterous relationship to your wife? To your bishop? If not, I hope you can overcome whatever fears or doubts are eating away at you and keeping you from doing so. If you have, I can understand the terrible depression and guilt that must be weighing down on you right now... But your "battle" is not over until you give up on it. You can still be forgiven. You can still find happiness and peace.

Whether you decide to go through with a divorce or not, at least talk about it with your wife before-hand to see if she is willing to work on repairing your damaged marriage. You may be surprised. She may be very willing to forgive and work with you. But even if she is not, that is no need to give in to despair. There will always be hope for you as long as you continue along the path of repentance and seek to make restitution for your sins.

There are many people who have been in situations similar to yours. I know several in my own ward, my brother, and there's at least one person on this board who has gone through this very problem. You are not alone. There are people out there who have felt your same pains and know what you are going through. Most importantly, the Lord knows and understands. He can heal you if you will humble yourself and turn to him.

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You clearly don't have the spirit with you. You clearly cannot make LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS with your current frame of mind. So here's what you do. Do what you've been taught is the right thing to do. No what if's. No excuses. Just do that and let the chips fall where they may. Tell your wife. Talk to your bishop. End your affair completely. My guess is you'll get a surprisingly wonderful feeling of clarity after you've done these things. Time to put on the big boy garments and fess up. You'll be amazed at how relieved you'll feel after you've done this. Sunday is right around the corner--go in to the bishop first. (Also--not telling your wife and leaving her and repenting on your own is selfish and cowardly. It's not for her. That's for you. Part of repentance is confessing and making it right. No way to get around telling her.) Best of luck to you--YOU CAN DO IT!

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well i just read most of this. quite a sad story and i feel for you brother.

that said....i'll break it down like this. You left a window open. Satan came in like a thief in the night and pounded on you. you likely patched that window and this process repeated itsself a number of times. finnally you said to heck with it and stop repairing this window. soon He broke more windows. even brought in his buddies. and just wailed on you. eventually due to lack of maintence your defense was all but dead. and now we have your girlfriend from work the finishing blow on what was a slow subtle death ride. Satans rollercoaster was now hitting the final loop. Now before this final loop the rollercoaster paused and the man in charge asked one last time are you sure you want to go through with this and even showed you the broken bones and bodies at the end of the rollercoaster. you ignored him and said lets roll buddy. so on it went. it finished and there Satan was waiting at the body with a good old shotgun to shoot your kneecaps out and leave you crawling in agony.

so now here you are unable to walk crawling in agony. what is the point of this story you may ask?

the point here is what is Satan thinking at this moment. considering He has you crawling around broken and just took you for a ride in his amusement park he is currently your master so it would be wise to know what he is truely thinking. here is what is going to happen.

if you try and get up he will smack you back to ground and HARD. he will likely after a time or two of trying to get back up lock you a cell handcuff you and beat you senseless over and over. He might let up for a moment but the moment you contemplate escape he will be there guarding you. now he will eventually grow tire of you and think you are permanently bound to his prison. now God is an interesting fellow and is not above letting Satan take us for a ride and on more than one occassion uses Satan to teach us a good lesson or two by letting him beat the snot out of us as he has let Satan do to you just now.

But all is not lost. in the moment Satan grows tired of you and you are sufficiently beaten and battered and bloodied are the moments God waits to relieve you. the reason is he wants you to take home a lesson in all of this. He also wants you to cry out to him for help. he wants you who is not humble to become humble for that is truely the first step towards salvation becoming humble.

so in all of this a moment in your life will surely occur. an awakening. Where God will finnally ask you have you become humble? are you willing to accept My help? should you say yes i do forewarn you this does not mean Satan will let you out that very second or that will be the end of him. but rather God will in that cell your in highlight slowly but surely specks of light for you to follow and break free. eventually if you follow you will become free. but no this the beast the dragon the devil will be angry and will be chomping at the bits waiting for you to screw up again.

so in all this know what Satan is thinking. know that he is going to pummel you into the ground for a while longer. and then know God will provide you a humbling moment a moment that can lead to your salvation and return from this great fall. know while God will provide such a moment He will still let you suffer a broken bone or two along the way. and it wont be easy.

i just want you to know fully the spot you are in. you are in a cell a prison. start now plan now your escape. whats the movie shawshank redempetion? that guy spends 20 years plotting his escape. plot now as he did in that movie at the very beginning. and eventually the great dragon will slip up and you will be free.

now not all of us must face such a drastic turn of events but some of us like you and I are more stubborn. and Satan also plots against the more noble spirits in even great intensity than the rest of the world. so perhaps you can take comfort that your spirit is naturally strong which is why Satan offered you a ride on the rollercoaster. believe me i took that rollercoaster once. perhaps more than once. the long crawl upwards isnt fun or easy but its entirely worth it.

so lick your wounds. cry a lot. sob a lot. know youve just created a clusterbomb of a mess. but get back up and do it now. start now daily book of mormon reading. daily prayer. i used to think like you i am unworthy of prayer so anytime i broke the word of wisdom or look at porn or stole or God only knows what i did during the 2 years of my life that ive forgotten literally 2 years gone from my memory. i wouldnt pray for a day or two at least. i was wrong. in my humbling moment i realized i needed to pray at least ONCE A DAY irregardless. why? because regardless of what you do you sin each day. whether its cheating on your wife,drugs or porn or just simple sins the prophet does each one of us sins and needs to repent of that daily. so at the very least DO THAT. that will rattle your cage more than anything and really start putting steps forward. even praying while crying on your pillow trying to sleep is still a prayer worth counting some of my most emotional and most connecting prayers have been sobbing on the pillow trying to sleep.

See He's your father and your older brother. they both want to help you. in fact they just want to hear your voice. they just want you to call and they dont care if you call to say you smoked weed for 10 hours that day. they dont care they just want you to call. so just call. it doesnt matter what crap you went through today. just pick up the phone and call your Dad in heaven and talk. thats all that is wanted at the most basic of levels. its also the thing your big bad dragon that is clawing your back hates the most because he can never build a building complex enough to drown the signal of that phone call. unless youve committed murder or sold your soul to Satan you have a way out.

well thats all i wish you luck.

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Twort, you need to work on repentance and if your wife decides your marriage is over, you need to not be in a relationship for a while so you can work out your issues.

At the beginning of this thread, you talked about you and your wife being sexually compatible before marriage, yet you realized later that the problems were there all along. Do you see how sex has clouded your judgment? You guys didn't get along, but it seems that because you two got along sexually, big issues just didn't stand out. Sex became the deciding factor in the biggest decision of your life. This is a big reason why people should not have sexual relations before marriage. I firmly believe that sex can make good marriages even better, but that it causes people who are wrong for each other to basically become addicted to each other.

So now you get involved with a married woman and you aren't seeing the big picture because once again, sex is clouding your judgment. Sex can only carry a relationship so far. You aren't seeing that this woman is untrustworthy. She betrayed her husband and children. Right now you feel like you missed the boat, but that boat is a cheap rubber raft. No loss there. I know you don't feel that way, but hopefully you will see that eventually.

Hopefully you can build a foundation with your wife that you should have had in the first place. Many marriages start off with an active sex life, but most of them are going to have their lows for various reasons. When I was getting married, my bishop said I should only marry my husband if we would want to be together even if one of us became disabled and unable to have sex.

You didn't miss your chance to be happy, Twort. It is possible, but it's not going to come with breaking the commandments.

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You aren't seeing that this woman is untrustworthy. She betrayed her husband and children. Right now you feel like you missed the boat, but that boat is a cheap rubber raft. No loss there. I know you don't feel that way, but hopefully you will see that eventually.

Morningstar - thank you for your comments. You are right about the unhealthy way I approach relationships.

However, how can you say this (what is quoted above)? She is the one who tried to make things right by getting a divorce and ending the cheating, and she is the one who finally called it quits with me for the sake of her family. How can I possibly judge her for betraying her family when I'm the one who couldn't build up the courage to do ANYTHING?

Anyway, we both made a mistake and she dealt with it a lot better than I did, at least she sought, and found, closure. I'm definitely more at fault in all of this if you look at the facts.

Thanks again for your comments though.

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Morningstar - thank you for your comments. You are right about the unhealthy way I approach relationships.

However, how can you say this (what is quoted above)? She is the one who tried to make things right by getting a divorce and ending the cheating, and she is the one who finally called it quits with me for the sake of her family. How can I possibly judge her for betraying her family when I'm the one who couldn't build up the courage to do ANYTHING?

Anyway, we both made a mistake and she dealt with it a lot better than I did, at least she sought, and found, closure. I'm definitely more at fault in all of this if you look at the facts.

Thanks again for your comments though.

Twort, you're a human and one with a lot to think about. I admire that you are thinking about it and trying to plug in common sense into this situation and not jumping onto every feeling and event. I admire that you are feeling around trying to figure out what is the right thing to do regardless of what you want to be right. Hang in there and stay close to the Lord and the Church and you'll come out of this alright.

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Morningstar - thank you for your comments. You are right about the unhealthy way I approach relationships.

However, how can you say this (what is quoted above)? She is the one who tried to make things right by getting a divorce and ending the cheating, and she is the one who finally called it quits with me for the sake of her family. How can I possibly judge her for betraying her family when I'm the one who couldn't build up the courage to do ANYTHING?

Anyway, we both made a mistake and she dealt with it a lot better than I did, at least she sought, and found, closure. I'm definitely more at fault in all of this if you look at the facts.

Thanks again for your comments though.

Can her family trust her? Yes or no?

She used to feel about her husband the way she feels about you. The novelty would eventually wear off with you too. She's not courageous. She chose her libido over her family. That is selfishness. I think people confuse strong sexual attraction with love and when the desire lessens after years of marriage, they feel like they are falling out of love.

Marriage is hard work. I knew a couple that was on the verge of divorce their first 10 years of marriage, but they worked it out somehow. That is courageous.

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  • 1 year later...

I just thought I would post an update, maybe my last. Maybe one more when there is more closure.

Both of us are currently seeking divorces, mine may finalize in a week, and maybe in a year. Both of our spouses know what we did, and with whom we did it with. There are no longer any secrets. The novelty has worn off, but we still deeply love each other. I would never suggest anyone choose the route I chose, or the route she chose. I hope God forgives us, because behind us lies a trail of pain, and carnage. But our spouses can in no way be held harmless. I can especially attest to that in my situation. No one should go back and read my posts and waste their time, but my spouse did not respect me or treat me well. I can't say she didn't try to save things in the end, I can't even deny that she tried desperately to win me back, but I was so far emotionally removed that there was simply no way. Our marriage was already bad, and my extramarital affair demolished what remained.

My family knows almost everything, and almost all of her family knows everything. We have so many complications, but honestly neither of us could keep away. Maybe stronger people would have made wiser choices, maybe stronger people would have moved faster. It's very confusing, but I do see that I was blinded by emotion when I composed many of those posts. I made so many mistakes. I am madly in love with someone who is madly in love with me, but our relationship will always be tainted, we will always have distrust, and we will always have to justify ourselves to her children, any children we have, and to ourselves. Like I said, there are no secrets, and many willing to tell our story to those we care about. Bad combination.

Some things are certain: I am very happy in my current relationship and I feel alive, I never should have gotten married with the feelings I had at the time, and I am a deeply flawed person.

No one has walked in our shoes, so be careful about harsh judgement. Even if I get a taste of my own medicine, or I make the same mistakes again, at least I've lived. At least I'm alive for this time of my life. I was totally dead inside, and now I'm excited to see the person I love. I've never been loved this way myself. I have a chance at it. It's been two years... a short time in the grand scheme of things, but about a year and a half longer than I've even been excited about someone before. This is worth a shot for me. I've aged 5 years in 2. I am broke. Her situation is about the same.

I've been separated for a year. I will never regret leaving my old life behind. When I think of it my stomach fills with knots. Will I regret my new life? I hope not. I am in love. I am excited each morning. I'm lucky to feel this way for as long as it lasts, which I hope is forever; but I'm not ignorant to the facts.

I hope those of you who are unhappy in your relationships will do something about it. I don't know if counseling works, but please try it. Don't stay together for the kids. If you can't make yourself happy within your marriage and you've been honestly trying for a year than leave it behind. All wounds will heal.

I don't know if Mark Twain really said this or not, but it is often attributed to him (and I like it regardless): "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover"

It's been the hardest time of my life, but I am happy. I have regrets, and made bad choices, but what choice do I have now? It's behind me, and all I can do is move on and try to learn.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.

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Hi Everyone,

I’ve been thinking over the past few days whether or not I would even make this post, but I’ve been reading posts on here and I’ve seen that this is actually a very open-minded and supportive group here! Not that I expect your open-mindedness or support, considering the depth of my transgressions.

Let me start off by saying that I have been a fairly active Mormon all my life, I served a mission in Asia (honorable – I worked hard) and am proud of it. I have struggled a little bit with word of wisdom issues and a little with sexual transgressions since a year or two after my mission. I met my current wife just less than 7 years ago, and we’ve been married for about 5 years, no kids yet. We have always had a tumultuous relationship, and had to wait a year before we married in the temple due to sexual transgression. Anyway, keep in mind this is my side of the story, but that I am trying to be fair to my wife.

During our first year of dating, we were very sexually compatible (I know this probably makes a lot of you cringe, but I’m just trying to be open so you understand my situation). That may have been one of the only ways we were compatible looking back… We fought a lot, and didn’t have a whole lot in common; however, we had enough going for us that we stuck it out and had our year without sex. She isn’t particularly emotionally stable, which was probably caused (or at least exacerbated) by her mother, who quite apparently has co-dependency problems. My wife at this point has no one, other than me, with whom she is close. I am her best friend, only friend, husband, shopping partner, confidant, and complete support system. She has no one else. To me her self-isolation seems like a choice; a choice that I don't understand.

Over the years my wife has lost interest in me sexually, or as she puts it, has lost interest in sex. I don’t know which it is, but my research on the internet (subjective at best) tells me that the former is probably the case. For the past 3 years we are probably intimate every 9 months on average. We are both near 30 years old (just under). Whenever we talk about it, it always comes back to me needing to accept this because she can’t do anything about it.

Keep in mind that I do everything I can to avoid her anger because it can result in hours, or even days of demeaning and angry comments, which only ends when I finally break down and apologize. I always wonder how it ends up arriving at my apology… Anyway, she has tightened the reigns over the years and I rarely see my friends or family now, and my work is one of my few outlets outside of the house. She has cut down to less than part time at work (8-10 hrs. per week) because of undiagnosed health issues that may or may not be real, I don’t know but I can’t push her too hard to see a doctor because she will snap. Anyway, this leaves her at home almost all the time. She is offended when I do anything but come home and hang out with her. Maybe that’s how a marriage should ideally work, but I am a very social person and was very close to my family in the past. I've asked her to come before, but she isn't interested... She just wants me home. I also had hobbies and really liked to work out after work. Now I just come home, do most of the house work, and wait for the next day to start. My existance feels meaningless...

Although I’m not necessarily the most righteous person, I do like to attend church. She hasn’t been in years, although she doesn’t drink or anything and still wears her temple garments.

There’s a lot more I could say but I need to get to the meat of this. First of all, I have wronged her in the past. I have yelled, I punch and kick walls and stuff when I’m angry, and have stormed off for an hour or more without mentioning where I’m going. I wasn’t innocent before, and I’m definitely not innocent now.

I met a married woman at my workplace with whom I connected with strongly. She is a mother of two young children and not a member of the church. For about 6 months our friendship grew, and at some point I realized that I had feelings for her, and I also realized that she probably felt the same way. We have very similar personality traits, and at some point she mentioned that she had feelings for me. Well, it didn’t take long before we were taking off time at work to spend time in hotel rooms together. Keep in mind that I have a narrow window of freedom from my spouse in which to cheat, but I’ve somehow kept it up for a few months without getting caught. The other woman and I have talked about trying to see if “we” would work out if we ended things with our spouses. We both understand that would be a long shot (religion, her kids, and our lives outside of work would all be major roadblocks), but we still talk about it. The other woman is a good person; she volunteers, is a great mother, beautiful, a successful businesswoman, a friend to all and the kind of person everyone wants to be around. She is now telling me that she wants to end things with her husband sooner than later, and a "she and I" relationship is seemingly her goal... She too struggles with being labeled as a cheater.

I understand that I am sinning against my wife, the other woman, our families, and God. I know I need to end things with the other woman no matter what I intend to do in the future. I know I have emotional problems that I need to deal with (why else would I cheat??). I know I need to repent and that I have hell to pay in so many ways. I am an unrepentant adulterer and that is a horrible place to be. My friends and family think I am a good person, and I know that if my wife finds out, so will everyone else, and let me tell you – they will be surprised… They will stand by me, but my reputation is be totally shot. The other woman’s husband found out about us, and he is hurting horribly right now… He is trying to make things work with his wife and thinks things ended between us. I know what I’m doing may ruin another family. I know that I am failing to promote the image of the church, and of returned missionaries. I feel horrible about my actions, yet like a moth to the flame I keep on going back.

Before I met the other woman I was not happy in my marriage, and my cheating has only complicated things. If I knew my wife could turn to her family, her faith, her friends, focus on her work… almost anything.. I would have left long ago. However, I do love my wife, although more like a sister than a spouse. I feel like I would be feeding her to the wolves. I am her everything, and even though she treats me poorly, I know she loves me. I am totally lost. Please remember that she has nothing meaningful in her life besides me, at least that’s what she tells me and to be honest I can’t disagree. I don’t know what she would do without me. I fell like I can’t leave because I love her and can’t “leave her to the wolves”, but I can’t stay anymore because I’ve sinner against her and I don’t think I will ever be happy in such a tight box (she is very controlling).

Anyway, I would appreciate the advice of anyone who has been in a similar situation or anyone who feels like they have something meaningful to tell me. Please keep me in your prayers, even though I really don’t deserve it.


While your original post talked about how badly your wife was treating you you

- Lied to keep her happy, rather than deal with some unpleasantness to reach actual accord

- Were extremely manipulative

- Were physically violent & abusive

- Had a months (or years long) sexual affair

- Thought so much of yourself, and so little of her, that you couldn't believe she could make it without you.

And not least of all...

- Couldn't seem to understand that these things MIGHT just be a root cause for her hurt / mistrust / lack of confidence/ her willingness to see you as a sexual partner (abused spouses sex drive TANKS with the ongoing abuse)/ her desire to have children with you, etc.

I am frankly afraid for the health, safety, and wellbeing of any future women or children in your care, especially with your (strongly glossed over) abuses of your first wife.

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It's too bad that you weren't able to take a step back and evaluate your relationship before jumping into a new one. I hope you will find your way back to the church and remember those feelings you once had. Do you remember those feelings had once upon a time? On your mission perhaps? (D&C 6:22-23) I don't know you personally so I hesitate to say you need to find yourself before moving into another serious relationship because it sounds as if your mind's made up.

My father-in-law was excommunicated about 14 years ago for an affair he had with another LDS woman. He still attends church but he has not been re baptized because he still resents his wife for how badly she treated him during their marriage. And he was in the bishopric when it all went down.

In studies about love the "in love" feeling has an average life span of 2 years, secretive love affairs a little longer. (Dr. Dorothy Tennov). The feeling I'm getting from you is that you are afraid that you are no longer worthy of a relationship with a "good LDS woman" because of your affair. It's exactly what Satan wants. You can rebound and be a stronger person by owning up to your end destruction of the marriage. Honestly, I don't see how it couldn't have lasted any longer by the sounds of it.

The hardest thing would be to do what? Step away from the OW and make peace with yourself? Would it hurt her to lose you? Of course. But has she honestly been given the chance to be on her own and evaluate herself as an individual alone? She is as much a child of God as you are and he wants her to succeed as much as he wants you to. Don't be afraid to immerse yourself back into God's arms and you know you can't do this as long as you hold on to this OW. She can't progress as long as you are holding her back.

God loves you. He wants you back and it's never too late. Quit thinking about who's going to want you and being alone. If you can face your future with that possibility of God first aside from a woman, you will find happiness. I promise you. When you have completely forgiven yourself, your wife, life it will happen. It's faith. Embrace it. It's terrifying but let it save you.

You will do what you want to do. It's just something to consider.

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In studies about love the "in love" feeling has an average life span of 2 years, secretive love affairs a little longer. (Dr. Dorothy Tennov).

I have never really understood this. After 25 years, I believe I am as much in love with my wife now as I ever was, maybe moreso in some ways.

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I have never really understood this. After 25 years, I believe I am as much in love with my wife now as I ever was, maybe moreso in some ways.

I wonder if by "in love" what is meant is googly eyed infatuation. If so such a claim makes more sense. Personally, I think it an error to conflate infatuation with love, but I think a lot of people do. Even as I notice some of the shiny wearing off of the googly eyed infatuation in my own marriage I notice the love deepening.

Edited by Dravin
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Twort you need to stop fooling yourself. Can you honestly say in this day and age and considering the world we live in, that you are on the road less travelled?

Not by a long shot.

Don't stay together for the kids. If you can't make yourself happy within your marriage and you've been honestly trying for a year than leave it behind. All wounds will heal.

"All wounds" don't heal.

Consider the results of mulitple studies on the effect divorce has on children

Studies in the early 1980’s showed that children in repeat divorces earned lower grades and their peers rated them as less pleasant to be around.

Teenagers in single-parent families and in blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help within a given year. Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems.

Children of divorce are at a greater risk to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects than children whose parents have remained married.

Children living with both biological parents are 20 to 35 percent more physically healthy than children from broken homes.

A Child in a female-headed home is 10 times more likely to be beaten or murdered.

A study of children six years after a parental marriage breakup revealed that even after all that time, these children tended to be “lonely, unhappy, anxious and insecure.

Children of divorce are four times more likely to report problems with peers and friends than children whose parents have kept their marriages intact.

Children of divorce, particularly boys, tend to be more aggressive toward others than those children whose parents did not divorce.

People who come from broken homes are almost twice as likely to attempt suicide than those who do not come from broken homes.

Children of divorced parents are roughly two times more likely to drop out of high school than their peers who benefit from living with parents who did not divorce.

You seem conflicted Twort, you are aware of the damage it's done to your life and to those around you yet you hold on to shallow romantic platitudes about sailing on and taking adventurist paths but it’s undoubtedly not the path your Father In Heaven wanted you to take.

Take it from someone who is on their second marriage. As an Apostle stated in last conference “God will hold men responsible for every tear they cause their wives to shed.” I think that goes for our children as well.

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When marriage comes to a head you have two choices, confront it or run away. Having an affair is running from it. My father in law hates confrontation and is the nicest person because he wants to be agreeable. That was his downfall and yours too I suspect. You were so scared of your wife's wrath if you stood up for yourself (and I know some wrathful vindictive women who treat their men like crap and it would surprise me more if they stood up to them than if they cheated on them) that you ran from it. It makes me so sad that now you're standing here in this situation because now you've gone from being justifiably wronged to being the bad guy. You can't change what you did but you can still do the right thing for everyone and start over on your own and let everyone heal, especially you.

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Eowyn - I don't really care what else you have to say. Your comment was sarcastic, and intentionally hurtful. Please don't apologise, or respond in any way, I don't really care to read it. Why would someone like you even bother responding? Do you think you are making anything better, or did it just make you feel better to post something like that maybe?

Badwolf - I'm no saint, obviously. I wasn't trying to paint myself in a good light. I was not physically violent or abusive, unless you are referring to how my deception hurt my wife... The final comment is truly unwarranted. Why did you post that?

Shortstuff - I appreciate your insight and comments. I know I arrived at my current relationship in a less than ideal way, and I know it would be wise to take a step back as you suggested, but I am happy... it's a hard thing to do, and I truly believe I could have a happy life. I did run away from my marriage, but I know that was the good part. I was so unhappy.

Windseeker - thank you for the input.

Morningstar - I left her, and she wanted me back, but I wasn't happy. Regardless, I don't want to go back to her. I was so unhappy...

All Apologies - thank you...

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