adeline Posted February 27, 2011 Report Share Posted February 27, 2011 Hi everyone, I have a sad story but a true one; i've been dealing with my husbands infidelity and he outright denies it; it's been a devastating 3 years of my life! I put so much time and effort into this marriage over two decades. We have a grown daughter who got pregnant while I was trying to defend myself in court that the mistress had filed an Order against me for calling her one time at work and told her 'do you know he's married'? i have evidences of him talking to her they both work together. I groomed him from a blue colar worker to an office worker. I am peeved at this betrayal. It's been so sickening and i take medz so i can sleep, and try to function. I have been suffering depression as well. I go to professional counseling. I don't trust him anymore and recently he started looking at porn and killed the computer with a virus and blamed me for looking at penises. He was so pissed that he actually took the computer and I had no computer. I can't seem to heal if he doesn't admit it. He said 'go heal yourself'--he had been abusing me emotionally and just realized it after therapy. He's very mean now to me and keeps finances paperless and when I asked to see them he says no. He withholds intimacy and money from me. I feel so helpless at times. Oh and he's been gaslighting me too; misplacing my things and then when i ask if anyone seen it it comes back--he keeps calling me crazy. I pray to God everyday to give me strength to make it to the next day. I don't even recognize this man he can't even look me in the eye alot of the times. Any information would be a beneift to me. Thank you and God bless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jayanna Posted February 27, 2011 Report Share Posted February 27, 2011 how did you find out that he has been cheating on you? Did you catch him in the act, or is it a suspicion? what do you mean that you groomed him? have you spoken with your Bishop about these concerns? I guess you got a new computer, because, well, here you are...? What kind of information are you looking for, exactly? If you want advice on what to do next, call the ward secretary and make an appointment to see your Bishop. Today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted February 27, 2011 Report Share Posted February 27, 2011 Her profile states she is Christian and not LDS so not sure if a Bishop would be the answer. Unless the profile is incorrect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jayanna Posted February 27, 2011 Report Share Posted February 27, 2011 sorry, my bad :/ well, I just don't know what kind of help she is looking for...If she really wants good advice, we need some good background info, ya know? and you know, he would technically still be her Bishop, member or not, :) I'm still thinking that might be the best idea :) :) He wouldn't say, 'no' ...I'm just sayin... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NobodysFool Posted February 27, 2011 Report Share Posted February 27, 2011 Any information would be a beneift to me.And yet you seem to be staying with him - why? Assuming what you've said is true, he's unfaithful and unrepentant. It's over, there's nothing to save. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adeline Posted February 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2011 i had a recording device placed in his car and he was talking to "her" about me and he was talking horrible things about me and that he said 'nobody knows about us'--he called her 'baby' and then it went to work conversation. I had alot of calls that hung up on me and it got traced to her cause I called it. I kept going in my head he can't be doing something so evil or horrible to me. It's slowly sinking in after the way he acted after i caught him with the porno; he tried to deflect blame and said don't mention this again--same thing with this mistress incident; i'm not suppose to mention it if he stays with me. I stayed for my daughter's sake so we'd have a shelter and food, but at what cost? my dignity, self-esteem is beaten to the core. I'm in pieces. Yet, I'm still stuck for some reason. I think I'm mentally handicapped and he took advantage of that. Btw, thanks for your input thus far. Either way I do believe in God, which confuses me as well because he says let the lord handle what's coming to him, however, I want to return the favor to him which is to serve him papers at work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adeline Posted February 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2011 I guess what I'm looking for is what to do now? since he hasn't come clean, and I can't seem to heal without his admittance even though he failed a lie detector test and blamed the man who gave him the test he actually called him up and said it was the guys fault! but then again, I hear those tests aren't too reliable either. I've talked to counsel and of course, it's 'forgive' pray for him etc. but to me, this is unforgivable so that's where I'm torn. I know my daughter and child will suffer in the long run that's my thinking so I'm back to square one...again. Maybe someone here can give me an 'ah ha' moment! Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
classylady Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 If what you are saying is true, why are you willing to try to save a marriage where he shows so little respect for you, that he is willing to cheat? It sounds to me like you have some self-esteem problems. And as for being unable to heal until he admits his cheating, why is that so important? Do you need to hear him say he's sorry? The truth may be that he isn't sorry. It takes both partners to try and make a marriage work. If he isn't willing to work on the marriage, what can you do? In my husband's first marriage, his wife had several affairs. He tried to make the marriage work until he actually caught her in the act. I guess that was his wake up call--his ah-ha moment. That's when it became real, and he realized that he did not want to have a wife that had so little disregard for him that she was willing to cheat. He realized that he did not want to be in a marriage where his partner didn't respect the marriage covenant. I can understand trying to make a marriage work when there are children involved. But it sounds like your daughter is grown. You need to have an adult conversation with him where there is no yelling or accusations. Just discuss in an adult manner what you both want out of your relationship. It may be that you want two different things. Be adult about it, and get on with your lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adeline Posted February 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 Yes that seems like a good reply to why he won't say sorry, however, it's just me. I need to hear him acknowledge what he did and show some remorse and that he is capable of such disrespect then i can have i guess closure. But, sigh, it's been very hard to manage all these emotions, feelings, anger, pain, etc.--it's been the most undescribable feeling not a good one. What I don't understand is why I couldn't believe it when it was happening? All I did was protect him, worried about him losing his job, I kept quiet in Court for fear of him losing his job and all I want now is for him to lose his job--I'm all over the place with whether to serve him with papers at work, an eye for eye sort of feelings--I know to leave it to the Lord but man is it ever so hard! Yes probably self-esteem issues too; my mom went through the same thing with my dad she was pretty dpressed too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 Just a shot in the dark... But maybe he's waiting for an apology from you. He could be feeling that it's because of you that he started cheating. Maybe you were too controlling (just throwing it out there because of the use of the word "grooming") and he couldn't find comfort at home so he found comfort with his work-mate on a platonic friendship that grew into a closer relationship because of your "suspicions" and controlling manners. I don't know... there's not much info to go on. But, usually, when somebody doesn't apologize, it means they don't think they're in the wrong, or that they think that their "wrong" is smaller compared to the "wrong" done to them... Okay, so this is not really something that would make you feel better. I just thought I'd put another perspective on this thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adeline Posted February 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 ok it's a different perspective not a supportive one but it could be it too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 You cannot change another person. You can only influence another person. If he is verbally and emotionally abusing you, you need to discuss with him the need for both of you going to counsel. Otherwise, there is no real relationship going on, except that you are under the same roof antagonizing one another. You may not get an admission of guilt and an apology from him. Deal with it. Let it go. Turn the other cheek and forgive. You don't forgive others for their sake, you forgive them for your own sake. You have his monkey on your back right now, because you placed it there. You set demands that he isn't meeting, and so you walk around daily with his monkey dragging you down. Whether you stay with him or leave, you must toss the monkey off your back and forgive, so YOU can heal. And until you do this, it will continue to harm you, even like gangrene keeps destroying until you are ready to chop off the infected limb. Cut off this gangrenous appendage of anger, hurt and betrayal. Forgive and Let the rest of you heal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adeline Posted February 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) yes, i have tried it for a year and half; i still cant live with the knowledge of what he had done it will forever haunt me if i stay in this relationship; it's like burying crap, every now and then the wind blows and it comes back to surface. same thing. Yes I did try to forgive and forget, it's actually easier said then done until you are in these shoes, you try it and let me know if you can ever trust someone who stabbed you in the back, a traitor in your midst, unbelievable, still can't seem to phathom it. It's unforgivable, totally destroyed the family. Edited March 3, 2011 by Loudmouth_Mormon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) yes, i have tried it for a year and half; i still cant live with the knowledge of what he had done it will forever haunt me if i stay in this relationship; it's like burying crap, every now and then the wind blows and it comes back to surface. same thing. Yes I did try to forgive and forget, it's actually easier said then done until you are in these shoes, you try it and let me know if you can ever trust someone who stabbed you in the back, a traitor in your midst, unbelievable, still can't seem to phathom it.It's unforgivable, totally destroyed the family.It's very hard, yes, but it is possible. And if you get to that level, you will experience freedom and peace like you won't believe!No, my husband didn't cheat on me. He's not that type of person. But, I have experienced betrayal in my life - things that have affected and changed me forever. I can honestly say, I have forgiven that person. Of course, he didn't apologize - he didn't even get jailed for it when he should have been. I don't even think he will remember me if we meet in the streets. But, if I meet him in the street, I am 100% sure I can look him in the eye and wish him well. It is freedom. It is peace. It is the only way to be completely healed.How did I do it? I decided he has hurt me enough, I can't allow him to hurt me anymore than he has. Because, really, with your husband right now - he is winning. Because you gave him that power to win! Then I face this gigantic Jesus on the cross every Sunday (I was Catholic) and all I can think about is - this guy just said, "Forgive them" to these people stabbing Him with spears and nailing his hands and feet to this wood and giving him vinegar to drink. My lot doesn't seem too bad anymore. Yeah, every Sunday I get to stare at that Jesus for an hour... quite a sobering experience. Edited March 3, 2011 by Loudmouth_Mormon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 It IS forgivable, you just choose not to forgive. Christ has commanded us to forgive all people. When we do not, we hold the greater sin in that we are no longer the victim, but we are the perpetrator keeping our own selves from gaining exaltation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adeline Posted February 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 hi anatess, your words have soothed me a little now; u must be a messenger from God--hard to read that is what Jesus did when they were actually doing that to him, but then again, he got me this far--i had thoughts of leaving but that's not the plan it would not appease him. So, I will try to do that as it makes sense that he is winning. Actually we all are suffering; my daughter, my soon to be ex, i can tell too that he is somewhat regretful when I make those metaphors in conversation at dinner table. I will try and pray daily and give him praise and ask for strength. Thanks you for your comments everyone thusfar...Have a good day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adeline Posted February 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 ok i will try ram Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adeline Posted March 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 thank you for your input i appreciate your comments and will try to practice them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mirancs8 Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Here is your ah-ha moment.Wake up! He's not going to tell you what you want to hear. This has been going on for some time. You've just become a target for him to hit at when he likes.Prioritize! Focus on yourself. Work on yourself. Find interests that excite you and take yourself out of the element. You are no good to anyone if you are not good to yourself.Find strength! Do not let him get to you. He has manipulated you so much so that he makes you think you are mentally unstable. You need to know yourself better, and know that you are an amazing woman. Find someone close to you to talk to who will be supportive. That will give you strength.Stop enabling! Each time you put up with his crap he will just do it more. When he says something abusive to you again turn to him and say "I'm done with your 'bleep'. There's the door... don't let it hit you on the way out." Stop making this behavior OK. IT'S NOT!Listen I was in a very verbally abusive marriage so trust me I know. After years of bashing he succeeded in making me believe I was completely off my rocker. He successfully made everything my fault and made me feel insecure and incompetent. When it was in fact he who was all the above. He just opted to make me feel less so that he would come out the better more stable one. Sure I did have that moment where I said I'm done. A combination of prayer, faith, family, friends, and inner strength is what gave me the strength to finally say ENOUGH! Yep it's been rocky but boy do I feel so empowered with each day that I stopped the abusive cycle. My children are happier and I'm happier.If all that you are saying is true then you need to take a real hard look at yourself. Ask yourself why am I staying? The real reason in your heart. Ask yourself is it because you are afraid of not having that security and being on your own not sure as to how you will survive? You can do it. Anything is possible. But you have to decide that for yourself. No one here can make that ah-ha moment except for you.When will you finally say... I am worth more than this man has made me feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adeline Posted March 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Thank you for your reply. Your response hit home the most and AH_HA this is the moment so Thank YOU! Everything you wrote is exactly what I am feeling and going through and makes sense! My body is wearing out so basically ENUF! You are right, I am worried about security and you hit it right on the nose. He made me feel like crap; it allowed it. I almost deleted this post, feeling shame and some made me feel like i didn't belong here. I'm glad I waited til your answer. That's the one I needed. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adeline Posted March 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Thank you mirancs8! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 I'm glad you stuck around Adeline. I think most of us are saying the same thing, but you just need it delivered in a form best for you. You are wanted here. And we're here to help. Just realize, you are not the first (and won't be the last) to come here with such an issue. Some of us are rather direct in how we state things, but no animosity is meant. We hope all people find joy in Christ and in their own homes. Sometimes families can be repaired, but not always. And sometimes it takes us time to forgive and heal from abuses that have gone on over a long period of time. The key is to be working toward that goal, even if we aren't there just yet. And if a year from now you have more good days than you have now, then you are on the right track. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Attackgirl Posted October 20, 2013 Report Share Posted October 20, 2013 Why are you wasting your life worrying about him file for divorce and move on. Life is short and your wasting it. Be positive and think happiness make a plan for your life which does not involve him. Self sufficiency!!!! QUOTE=adeline;569956]Hi everyone, I have a sad story but a true one; i've been dealing with my husbands infidelity and he outright denies it; it's been a devastating 3 years of my life! I put so much time and effort into this marriage over two decades. We have a grown daughter who got pregnant while I was trying to defend myself in court that the mistress had filed an Order against me for calling her one time at work and told her 'do you know he's married'? i have evidences of him talking to her they both work together. I groomed him from a blue colar worker to an office worker. I am peeved at this betrayal. It's been so sickening and i take medz so i can sleep, and try to function. I have been suffering depression as well. I go to professional counseling. I don't trust him anymore and recently he started looking at porn and killed the computer with a virus and blamed me for looking at penises. He was so pissed that he actually took the computer and I had no computer. I can't seem to heal if he doesn't admit it. He said 'go heal yourself'--he had been abusing me emotionally and just realized it after therapy. He's very mean now to me and keeps finances paperless and when I asked to see them he says no. He withholds intimacy and money from me. I feel so helpless at times. Oh and he's been gaslighting me too; misplacing my things and then when i ask if anyone seen it it comes back--he keeps calling me crazy. I pray to God everyday to give me strength to make it to the next day. I don't even recognize this man he can't even look me in the eye alot of the times. Any information would be a beneift to me. Thank you and God bless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 20, 2013 Report Share Posted October 20, 2013 This is almost 3 years old. Thread closed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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