Repentance will end my marriage

[coopadoo]

Please don't be too detailed! My ex-husband cheated on me, and the first time I found out, I asked a ton of questions, which he answered truthfully, and knowing all that stuff just about killed me. You can't get certain things out of your head once you know!

Be honest with her. She is going to FLIP out! Believe you me! But she needs to know. You cannot say that you are truly sorry if you are hiding it. Being unfaithful was a selfish act. Continuing to hide it is a selfish act. As much as I hate to say, you made your bed... you know the rest. She may leave you. She may give you another chance. You need to be honest because that choice is her right, not yours.

I hope it all works out for your family.

[questioning_seeker]

Hi alternate, I sympathise with your situation.

I suggest you raise the issue with a former bishop or stake president in a confidential and informal manner and ask how he would have advised someone in your situation while he was still a bishop. I suspect he will tell you that confession is a necessary part of repentance, but don't take it from me - go and talk to someone safe, who knows. I suspect the confession would have to be detailed and complete. I also suggest that you begin preparing your wife for what is to come, although not being a party to the relationship, I cannot offer any advice on how best to do. However, it would probably help if she could see how unhappy your actions have made you. I hope you have stopped going to the temple. Your greatest desire, your strongest motivation, even more important than preserving your marriage, has to be making things right between you and the Lord. Eternal salvation is, ultimately, an individual matter, and if you keep your family intact by not repenting, your family may be saved in this life, but you personally will not be saved in the next life. Sorry, but those are the hard facts that nobody can change.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Just to let you know--

Maybe you could discuss whether or not to tell your wife with your bishop.

I got in some trouble (like a complete idiot--and no comments on that one, please). And my bishop said I don't need to tell my husband. So don't necessarily believe everything that you see on the forum. But I promise, you will be happier if you take that first step toward repentance and confess. For reals. Don't give up or lose hope. Please.

[Gramajane]

Humm- seems you are missing that ETERNALLY you ARE lost to your family at THIS TIME-- ALREADY?

-- the ONLY possible way to repair that is through repentance!

-- hopefully if you are really sincere and can convince your wife to trust you and forgive you, she will not leave you? This should be a matter of prayer for her and guidance from God for what is best.

For me- the LONGER the secret is protected the WORSE for all-- as the less likely she is to think we are REALLY sorry and willing to do anything to be clean again!

You do not have an "Eternal Marriage" at this time because adultery is a deal breaker- and you would NOT get to be with your family after this life, not because of adultery but because of NOT REPENTING -- and how do we know if someone has truly repented?? Because they will CONFESS their sins to the appropriate priesthood authority!

hey get real here-- the only way to survive the disaster you have done to your family IS TO REPENT!

How will your children ever be able to trust -- if you don't work now to show them how to heal a broken trust bridge-- you don't whitewash a broken bridge and let people try to walk on it till they crash, as it WILL be known- as all things hidden will be "shouted from the rooftops" the bible says!

I think it is selfish and delusional to think to hide such a breach of covenants--

but benefit from their not knowing. --- IF you are a good person-- then ACT like it-- BE GOOD!

Bear the pain you have caused, and endure the consequences of your actions or it will be worse later!

And be careful NOT to die in your sins, as it is WAY harder to repent in the next life they tell us!

[John11111]

I always thought if my wife cheated on me it would be over hands down no doubt about it. WHen it actually happened I couldnt do it, I love her too much. Also i AM pretty sure your wife can sense something is wrong I know I did so tell her and start the repentance process.

[MorningStar]

Of the situations I know about, it seems like the men are usually more willing to work it out, but one couple broke up because the wife insisted she was in love with the other man even though her husband (an awesome guy) wanted to stay together. The other man though wanted to work it out with his wife, so he didn't return the feelings. It still blows my mind that she let her husband go. He is smart, funny, a great dad, etc. And now he only gets to see his sweet daughters on the weekends and she stayed in the house.

[justme39]

You say that you are a good man, and that might be so. The fact is that you did something very damaging to your spouse. Now, go be a good man and make it right.

Everyone is "good" when there are no temptations around. If you want to keep calling yourself a good man, you need to step up and take responsibility for your actions.

In my opinion, your wife deserves to be able to weigh her options...you didn't uphold your end of the covenant. Tell her and SUPPORT HER. Where she will be is an awful place to be...I've been there. A good man would come clean and then do all he could to help the spouse who's life he has unalterably changed.

[myalternate]

I wasn't named. She was asked but didn't tell. She has been through her disciplinary counsel and recieved her punishment.

[myalternate]

I was a good man. Not anymore apparently.

[myalternate]

Agreed. My kids are already teenage and nearing teenage. I want to confess. I am already suffering from the burden I carry. But I should suffer for what I did. I am just trying to do the least harm now that I made a mistake. Sounds bad I know but I think that is what everyone would be asking themselves in my situation. It takes faith to do hard things. If I had had more faith perhaps I wouldn't be in this spot. But now that I am and my faith and hope are weak, it makes it even more difficult to feel God's love for me.

[myalternate]

I am in a similar situation. I so wish I could take it back. But I cannot. The bell has been rung and it cannot be unrung. .

Seriously, I'm not sure about a lot of things, but I am certain that the scriptures are true. And the scriptures say:

Alma 13:27

And now, my brethren, I wish from the inmost part of my heart, yea, with great anxiety even unto pain, that ye would hearken unto my words, and cast off your sins, and not procrastinate the day of your repentance;

Alma 34:35

For behold, if ye have procrastinated the day of your repentance even until death, behold, ye have become subjected to the spirit of the devil, and he doth seal you his; therefore, the Spirit of the Lord hath withdrawn from you, and hath no place in you, and the devil hath all power over you; and this is the final state of the wicked.

So, please, repent. And I will also. The devil does not want us to repent.

Your marriage is not necessarily over.

Seriously, we are always free to choose. But we're not always free to choose the consequences of our decisions.

Maybe that is what I deserve?

[rameumptom]

As with the rest of us, you are a sinner and fall short of the grace of God.

We all deserve punishment, but through Christ's grace we can avoid it. That doesn't mean there are no consequences for our choices. There are. And those can be painful. But nothing compared to avoiding true repentance. If you wish to again feel the loving embrace of God, you must follow all the steps of repentance. The bishop holds the keys to the gospel of repentance. IOW, there is no full repentance without seeing the bishop on such a major sin as this.

The road to healing starts here. And until you get on that road, you will only be allowing your wound of sin to fester and become gangrenous.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Maybe that is what I deserve?

It appears as though you feel hopeless. Is this correct? Well, the adversary wants you to believe there is no hope for you. He wants you to be miserable. But it is your choice whether or not to be miserable or have joy. We are free to choose everlasting life or death. Don't be fooled by the adversary. Please, it is your choice, so choose to repent and come back. Jesus loves you. He died for you. If you choose to repent and come to Him, your sins can be washed away. And you can even become new again. Remember? If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature.

[Madriglace]

Does anyone know how detailed my confession has to be to my wife?

No such thing as half a lie or half a truth ... it is or it isn't. One of the things we live with here is the consequences we suffer because of other peoples choices. You owe your children a righteous priesthood holder for a father. How are you going to live when everytime you look at them you know you haven't lived up to your obligations? Do the right thing ... no matter how much it hurts. Choices=consequences.

[Dravin]

No such thing as half a lie or half a truth ... it is or it isn't. One of the things we live with here is the consequences we suffer because of other peoples choices. You owe your children a righteous priesthood holder for a father. How are you going to live when everytime you look at them you know you haven't lived up to your obligations? Do the right thing ... no matter how much it hurts. Choices=consequences.

I don't think he was talking about trying to pass it off as flirting in the break-room or something. I think he was wondering how much detail to go into about what he did. For instance:

1) I cheated on you with X. We had sex 5 times.

2) I cheated on you with X. The first time I... (insert explicit details of sexual activities). The second time... (insert explicit details of sexual activities) and so on.

Both are confessions, neither is trying to tell a half truth or a half life, but there is certainly a difference in the number of details shared (well if you fill in the parenthesis). I think somebody earlier in the thread suggested letting the wife lead with questions if she wants to know specifics.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Please remember, Myalternate, I cheated on my husband. My bishop told me I didn't have to tell my husband about what I did with this man. Seriously. I mean, it doesn't make sense to my why it should necessarily have to be a consequence that we make certain that we hurt a bunch of other people when we have already hurt ourselves and our partner in crime. I realize others may have a different perspective. But this is my perspective.

Check out what The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Repentance) has to say on confession:

Confession. “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy” (Proverbs 28:13). Essential to forgiveness is a willingness to disclose fully to our Heavenly Father all that we have done. We must kneel before Him in humble prayer, acknowledging our sins. We confess our shame and guilt, and then plead for help.

Serious transgressions, such as violations of the law of chastity, may jeopardize a person's membership in the Church. Therefore, such sins need to be confessed to both the Lord and His priesthood representatives in the Church. This is done under the care of a bishop or branch president and possibly a stake or mission president, who serve as watchmen and judges in the Church. While only the Lord can forgive sins, these priesthood leaders play a critical role in the process of repentance. They will keep confessions confidential and help throughout the process of repentance.

Did you see anywhere in there that you have to tell your spouse? Have you ever seen it written anywhere official (including the scriptures) that you must tell your spouse? That you Must try to hurt as many people as possible in confessing? That hurting as many people as possible by telling them is a Definite consequence of your sin? I mean, seriously.

[MorningStar]

Please remember, Myalternate, I cheated on my husband. My bishop told me I didn't have to tell my husband about what I did with this man. Seriously. I mean, it doesn't make sense to my why it should necessarily have to be a consequence that we make certain that we hurt a bunch of other people when we have already hurt ourselves and our partner in crime. I realize others may have a different perspective. But this is my perspective.

Check out what The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Repentance) has to say on confession:

Confession. “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy” (Proverbs 28:13). Essential to forgiveness is a willingness to disclose fully to our Heavenly Father all that we have done. We must kneel before Him in humble prayer, acknowledging our sins. We confess our shame and guilt, and then plead for help.

Serious transgressions, such as violations of the law of chastity, may jeopardize a person's membership in the Church. Therefore, such sins need to be confessed to both the Lord and His priesthood representatives in the Church. This is done under the care of a bishop or branch president and possibly a stake or mission president, who serve as watchmen and judges in the Church. While only the Lord can forgive sins, these priesthood leaders play a critical role in the process of repentance. They will keep confessions confidential and help throughout the process of repentance.

Did you see anywhere in there that you have to tell your spouse? Have you ever seen it written anywhere official (including the scriptures) that you must tell your spouse? That you Must try to hurt as many people as possible in confessing? That hurting as many people as possible by telling them is a Definite consequence of your sin? I mean, seriously.

The reasoning is, when you repent, you're supposed to make things right with the person you wronged. I have never heard of a bishop before not expecting the person to tell their spouse. When you cheat on your spouse, you are endangering their life by exposing them to STD's. When a relative of mine broke the law of chastity, not only did he have to tell his wife, he was also told to tell his dad who he had lied to when he was his bishop and stake president. And on a non-repentance level, the spouse almost always finds out one way or another and that damages the marriage even worse than admitting it voluntarily. When it's dragged out of them, there is no credibility and it takes a lot longer to build trust again.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

The reasoning is, when you repent, you're supposed to make things right with the person you wronged. I have never heard of a bishop before not expecting the person to tell their spouse. When you cheat on your spouse, you are endangering their life by exposing them to STD's. When a relative of mine broke the law of chastity, not only did he have to tell his wife, he was also told to tell his dad who he had lied to when he was his bishop and stake president. And on a non-repentance level, the spouse almost always finds out one way or another and that damages the marriage even worse than admitting it voluntarily. When it's dragged out of them, there is no credibility and it takes a lot longer to build trust again.

Sure you've heard of a person whose bishop did not expect them to tell their spouse--me :). I've heard of others also. But this is all I have to say on the matter. I can see, however, why some may feel it is necessary.

[Dravin]

Have you ever seen it written anywhere official (including the scriptures) that you must tell your spouse?

How about the Gospel Principles Manual? I suppose it doesn't say must, but it does say should:

We Must Confess Our Sins

Confessing our sins is very important. The Lord has commanded us to confess our sins. Confession relieves a heavy burden from the sinner. The Lord has promised, “I, the Lord, forgive sins, and am merciful unto those who confess their sins with humble hearts” (D&C 61:2).

We must confess all our sins to the Lord. In addition, we must confess serious sins—such as adultery, fornication, homosexual relations, spouse or child abuse, and the sale or use of illegal drugs—which might affect our standing in the Church, to the proper priesthood authority. If we have sinned against another person, we should confess to the person we have injured. Some less serious sins involve no one but ourselves and the Lord. These may be confessed privately to the Lord.

Gospel Principles Chapter 19: Repentance

Edited March 8, 2011 by Dravin

[classylady]

I'm just wondering if pride is a factor here in not confessing. If you confess, then everyone seems to find out about it, and not only is your family hurt, but your reputation at church and in the community is damaged also. It's very hard to humble ourselves and admit we've made a mistake. If I was in this situation, my biggest difficulty would be the embarrassment, because I care about what others think of me. I would hate everyone knowing that I cheated on my spouse. I have a much easier time forgiving others than I do myself.

You need to forgive yourself. You made a mistake. Just remember, "...though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Isaiah 1:18 This is why we have the atonement. The Lord wants you to accept the atonement he made for YOU. He loves YOU. YOU are his younger brother. He is YOUR elder brother. Again, I repeat, He loves YOU. Even, if your life comes crashing down around you, and maybe even your families, just remember this. He loves YOU. And the reason I capitalize YOU, it's because we often feel like the atonement is for everyone else but ourselves. We might believe in the atonement, but when it comes to ourselves, it's hard to internalize it--that it's for ME too.

I once made a mistake in my life where I felt "How can the Lord still love me? With all my knowledge and testimony, how could I have disappointed the Lord like this?" After many years of tears, praying, and asking for forgiveness, I received a definite answer to my prayers one night. "He's only disappointed if you don't repent". I felt such relief, and such a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders. I had gone through the repentance process. I had repented. I just hadn't allowed the atonement to apply in MY life. I was so harsh on myself. Anyone else with the same problem, I would have forgiven immediately--but not myself.

Repent, and feel the Savior's love for you. It will bring such sweet peace. Continue to love your wife. Express sorrow to her. Ask her for forgiveness. Express sorrow to your children. Ask for their forgiveness. It is then up to them to forgive you. They may not be able to do it at first. It may be a process that may take some time. It may be that you end up divorced. But, when one door closes, another one will open. It won't be the end of your life. You will still have sweet, wonderful events happen in your life. You are a son of our Father in Heaven. He sent you to this earth, knowing you would make mistakes. Accept the Lord's atonement for you. I'll pray for you.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

How about the Gospel Principles Manual? I suppose it doesn't say must, but it does say should:

Gospel Principles Chapter 19: Repentance

Good info. Thanks.

[FunkyTown]

Sure you've heard of a person whose bishop did not expect them to tell their spouse--me :). I've heard of others also. But this is all I have to say on the matter. I can see, however, why some may feel it is necessary.

If I were married to someone who confessed adultery to me, it would be a tearful thing that might ruin the marriage.

If I were married to someone who didn't confess adultery to me and I discovered it, it would absolutely, 100% end the marriage. You can't spend eternity with someone you can't trust.

[Optimistic_Trish]

I suggest you read President Monson's talk from last coference, the 3 R's of Choice. It talks about the right we have to choose, the responsibility that comes from our choices and the results of choice, he talks about how all of us make mistakes, but that is why the Lord atoned for us, so that we could repent.

It is not easy, but you are faced with a choice right now. I think deep down you know what is the right choice, but it's extremely difficult, intimidating and scary to know the consequences that may follow. Have courage to do what is right, despite anything. The Lord will carry you and once you feel the love of him through repentance you can finally be healed. A person who hasn't been in your situation can't possibly know how hard it is (I am one of those) but there is one path to God and we must be willing to accept the consequences in order to gain Eternal Salvation.

This is a test, your test, and to prove yourself worthy of the blessings of God and the presence of the Holy Ghost you must make the right choice. Seriously, read the article, it's a good one :) There is nothing more empowering than having sins washed away and feeling clean again. Take care of it now so you can become free of the chains of bondage that now hold you because of your actions.

We are on this earth to prove ourselves worthy of eternal life. Don't waste the days of your proabation. There is nothing in this world that is worth risking your eternal life. I make no judgement on you as a person except that we are all here, making mistakes but moving toward the same goal...I would hope that people will help carry you despite your sins......we are all sinners afterall. I would avoid the danger of justifying your reasons for not repenting as we know that is Satan's greatest tool. Have courage and get it over with! :)

[pam]

Here's a link to Trishalisha's suggestion:

The Three Rs of Choice

It is an excellent talk.

[Jennarator]

If I were married to someone who confessed adultery to me, it would be a tearful thing that might ruin the marriage.

If I were married to someone who didn't confess adultery to me and I discovered it, it would absolutely, 100% end the marriage. You can't spend eternity with someone you can't trust.

I agree with this!!