Repentance will end my marriage

[myalternate]

repentance will not end your marriage, it is non existent right now. repentance will be the only thing that will re-instate your marriage.

You are not a father to your kids right now. you are an atm. You cannot be a proper father figgure by doing the wrong thing. by showing them that a man stands up to his mistakes and pays the price, you will be a father again.

You cannot lead your family, or your children to the tree of life in your current state. you will be trying to be a father for the duration of your childrens childhood without the benefit of the guidance of the Holy Ghost.

You cannot understand the horrible impact of living that lie will have in your home.

You cannot give your children priesthood blessings with any power, you can only fake it. that will be screaming wonderful for their understanding of the power of the priesthood and the gospel.

your reasoning is selfish, its for your sake that you want to be around to raise them, but it is not for their sake. if you were really worried about them, you would pay any price, any price to correct your mistakes so you could bless them as a father, and a priesthood holder if needed.

Everything about what I did was selfish. If I were to commit suicide it would be selfish. Selfish that I want to stay with my family. The fact that I am asking for advice is selfish. I agree with what it is you are saying for the most part. I guess some other father figure can raise my kids as well as I can. You are right. If my wife leaves me and takes my kids with them I guess that is what I deserve. Right? Sorting the wheat from the tares and I guess I know what I am now. I can just resign myself to the terrestrial kingdom and deal with it.

[myalternate]

Repentence won't end his marriage. His affair will (maybe). Let's put the blame where it belongs: on the sin.

You are right. The title of this thread is incorrect. My sin will end my marriage. It already has according to the Lord. I am a slow learner apparently. There is very little joy in this life. You may disagree. My experience has been different. I served a mission teaching others the meaning of life when clearly I don't understand it myself. I came into this world alone and I suppose I will leave it the same way. I undenderstand I made a mistake. I understand I am to be punished. I have failed the test so let me go home.

[Jennarator]

Everything about what I did was selfish. If I were to commit suicide it would be selfish. Selfish that I want to stay with my family. The fact that I am asking for advice is selfish. I agree with what it is you are saying for the most part. I guess some other father figure can raise my kids as well as I can. You are right. If my wife leaves me and takes my kids with them I guess that is what I deserve. Right? Sorting the wheat from the tares and I guess I know what I am now. I can just resign myself to the terrestrial kingdom and deal with it.

You don't have to settle for the terrestrial kingdom. Your life can be happy again. The Lord has shown us the way.

Yesterday the speaker at church said that a child learns from the pain of touching something hot. The pain is nothing compared to being engolfed in flame, yet the touch still hurts and can hurt very badly! But that pain stops us from being engolfed. You are not engoulfed. You can repent. Not be engolfed, becasue the Lord can prevent that.

[slamjet]

You are right. The title of this thread is incorrect. My sin will end my marriage. It already has according to the Lord. I am a slow learner apparently. There is very little joy in this life. You may disagree. My experience has been different. I served a mission teaching others the meaning of life when clearly I don't understand it myself. I came into this world alone and I suppose I will leave it the same way. I undenderstand I made a mistake. I understand I am to be punished. I have failed the test so let me go home.

Go home and do what? Complicate matters even worse? I can assure you that I and others have done much more than what you have posted here and have found forgiveness and a peace of conscience. You are no less worth of it than me (some would argue more worthy). The Lord chastises those he loves. Do a search for that term on LDS.org and it will become abundantly clear. Go and start your repentance process and start to live. If you loose your marriage, well, so be it. It's not the end of your life, it's not the end of your striving for the Celestial Kingdom. It's not the end of the peace and happiness you can have. I promise you that! But it will only happen when you start the process of repentance and stick close to the Lord and the Church.

[ctr123]

The longer you wait the more it will hurt your wife. Finding out any other way than from you will hurt more. Maybe your marriage will be over maybe with time it will be even stronger. If you truly repent than Heavenly Father will guide you and your family where you should be. I would suggest praying and fasting for your wife before you tell her. Pray that she will have the strength to listen to His counsel and be able to follow His word. Pray that she will have the Holy Ghost to comfort her and ease her pain. Don't give excueses and reasons they won't help her at this time. Be an open book from this point on. You had stated that you didn't put any thought into the act of the sin, well why are you now putting so much thought into what is right. Your debating the repentance part when maybe it was the cheating part that you should have debated. I don't mean that mean or anything it just always amazes me that people myself included puts so little thought into the terrible things that we do but we struggle for long periods of time with doing what is right. Maybe there is a bishop that feels that people don't need to confess and maybe technically we don't have to confront the person we have wronged but when your time comes to face our loving Heavenly Father it would be so much better to say yes I faced my sin to the fullest of my ability and didn't hide behind technicallities. I wish you the best. I pray that you will have the strenght and patience that you will need to face the hell that you will go through for yourself and your wife.

[justme39]

My wife was in your situation just a year ago. She had the integrity to come to me and tell me the truth, even before she saw the Bishop. It hurt like nothing that I have ever been through...it still hurts.

The ONLY thing that put us in a position to stay together was that she came clean. It was fair to me, it showed me that she wanted to make it right, and it cleared the way for her repentance.

So, yes, UNBELIEVABLE.

And it was also unbelievable that the "other man" didn't feel like it was necessary to tell HIS spouse. I took care of that too. The truth is worth something.

I sincerely hope that the Lord will continue to look after your family. He will do right by them even if you decide not to.

[slamjet]

And it was also unbelievable that the "other man" didn't feel like it was necessary to tell HIS spouse. I took care of that too. The truth is worth something.

I'm sorry, but that's just viscous revenge that serves no purpose but to make you feel more in control of a situation that you had no control over in the first place.

[Jennarator]

I'm sorry, but that's just viscous revenge that serves no purpose but to make you feel more in control of a situation that you had no control over in the first place.

Here, here! I think it's best to tell the spouse, however it's no one's place but the person who did it. Telling, or tattle tailing, is just not ok. That takes away any agency the person had to tell or not.

A family might be destryed becasue of it.

There are tons of things I'd love to tell, and I bet many of us have considered such things, even if they are small, but that's when we need to realize it's not ourplace.

Telling just reminds me of my children when I hear so & so did such and such. It did no good to tattle.

[classylady]

My husband found out about his ex-wife's first affair by the other spouse calling and telling him. He says it was gut-wrenching! Justme39, I can understand wanting to "lash out". And, I think years down the road, you'll probably regret being the one to tell the other spouse. The hurt of a spouse's betrayal is so unbelievable. Sometimes things are done that you regret later down the road. From what my husband has told me, even though he was the one betrayed, he regrets some of the things he did, which at the time he thought was justified.

[Obolus]

Myalternate, if you decide to confess, I suggest you confess to her first. It will work against you if she feels you confessed to her under the duress of a bishop or stake president.

And my friend, I suggest you ignore the advice to wait for the children to grow up before confessing. I understand how this option appears to be self-sacrificing, but it really just lets the lie live on like a cancer. Thus you pass on a sham as an inheritance instead of a covenant. All the good acts you pile on top of this one lie will be recontextualized as lies themselves: blessings, testimonies, talks, graduations, gifts, ordinances, advice, and your private relationship with your wife.

This is the essential difference between Abel's sacrifice and Cain's. If the body is a temple, then all action is temple work. One can only sew the sacred or the profane. Please choose the sacred.

As others have stated, you may lose your marriage and subsequent events may harm your kids. But both of those are more real than a lie. They can be dealt with and healed from by way of the Atonement. For some in your family, a five or ten or twenty year lie may turn out to be an abstraction that is far too difficult to transcend.

[justme39]

I don't mean to hi-jack the thread, but I want to say this:

I did him and his wife one of the greatest favors that I can imagine. I did it prayerfully and I consulted priesthood leaders (my own and a good high-councilman friend). I cannot say that there was absolutely no desire on my part to lash out...I am far from perfect. I set him on the road to repentance. I did all that I could do to ensure that he would repent and thereby be less tempted to come after my wife. She deserved to know, and I would have preferred that her husband would have done it, but he was a liar and a coward. I honestly felt, and still feel, like I had a responsibility to this sister.

I have made plenty of mistakes, but I did this to make sure that I was doing all that I could do for my marriage and for another innocent party. I was gentle and respectful and didn't share ANY of the details I knew. I prayed earnestly about the decision and for her and her children.

The way that I posted that I "took care of that too" does sound vindictive, but please ask yourself this: Is the other betrayed spouse better for knowing and for having her husband brought back to her through the repentance process? They are still together. He has gone before a council. She has a chance, and so does he. What they do with it is up to them.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

You are right. The title of this thread is incorrect. My sin will end my marriage. It already has according to the Lord. I am a slow learner apparently. There is very little joy in this life. You may disagree. My experience has been different. I served a mission teaching others the meaning of life when clearly I don't understand it myself. I came into this world alone and I suppose I will leave it the same way. I undenderstand I made a mistake. I understand I am to be punished. I have failed the test so let me go home.

Myalternate, I am very concerned for you. There's been talk of suicide and going home. Please don't. I hope you are not there, at that point. But if you are, I have been there. I actually tried this. Why? Because I was scared that I would do something stupid with a certain married man other than my husband. I thought my husband deserved better and I didn't know if I could stop myself if this man wanted to do something foolish with me. Yes, my logic was flawed. I should have talked to my bishop right then. But I attempted suicide. I took an entire bottle of sedatives. Obviously, it didn't work--I'm still here. But my husband was so hurt by this. And even if I would have succeeded, I know my problems would not just go away. I would still have my issues.

Please. Just repent now. You will have peace where you did not before. Yes, you have sins. But through the atonement of Jesus Christ, your sins can be washed away. And He will remember your sins No More. And you can become a new creature. New. You are going through something hard. But don't give up. You are of infinite worth.

Confessing to the bishop is scary. You don't know what's going to happen. Seriously, I doubt anyone here can tell you with a certainty what will happen. But whatever happens, remember that the bishop is acting on behalf of the Lord. Your bishop is His priesthood representative for you. The Lord loves you and wants to take you by the hand. You don't have to be a tare. You can choose to be the wheat. He believes in you. I believe in you--that you can get past this. <3

[Lilac]

I'm not LDS so I don't feel I can give you spiritual advice (although we are all Christians).

Your wife needs to have herself tested for sexually transmitted diseases and so do you. "Protection" is not foolproof.

You owe her that...you owe her good health.

This is such a difficult situation. There are so many variables and each person and each marriage is so unique. But God's law is final so I do think you need to be honest with your wife.

Your wife might surprise you and find a path to forgiveness.

When you are young and hot headed and opinionated, you might walk out. When you are older, have children, a house, a life and money involved, AND more spiritually mature, you are in a very different place. Things might be salvagable. My husband and I have been together for 20 years, have children and have a mess of money issues. And I love him and I know he loves me. Reality is, I would work on forgiveness. It would be horrilble and gut wrenching but I'd give it a try.

I hope you post back and let us know that you are OK.

[MorningStar]

So if I repent this is what I get to look forward to? I know I deserve to be punished. But punish me and not the kids.

No, I'm saying the guy who got cheated on was dumped by his wife who claimed to be in love with the other man.

Your wife must be picking up on your misery, which would be distressing for her not to know what's going on. Suicide is not the answer. Keeping it a secret for decades is not the answer. Your wife will probably surprise you and stay with you even though she said before that she would leave. How could you have true intimacy in your marriage when you're hiding this from her? Yes, it will be hard, but it is the best thing for both of you for you to get the ball rolling and talk to the bishop, or maybe tell her first and let her know you made an appointment with him.

It's not going to get any easier the longer you wait. Please read this. Peace of Conscience and Peace of Mind The Lord wants you to have peace! Things might not turn out exactly how you want it, but having a clean conscience can give you peace again.

[MorningStar]

If I could confess to my bishop and not tell my spouse I would do it today. I don't think that is going to be how this all plays out unfortunatly. How do I tell her I can't go to the Temple or that I can't take the sacrament? I am so worried about what the fallout of my confession will do to my family. Not that I want to get away with anything. I wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place if I wanted to get away with it. I have already done that. It is exactly as you stated above. It just doesn't make sense to do more harm to those who are innocent in order to punish me. What I did was very wrong. I am remorsful and want to repent. I want to appologize to my spouse for commiting a sin that jepordized our eternal family that is it. I don't see where telling her exactly what it was I did will make things any more right. Thank you for your thoughts.

It's not about punishing you. It's about her right to know. If she were cheating on you, would you want her to hide it?

[findingmyway]

Myalternate..... I love you man , and I feel for you. I pray for you.

Give your wife a chance to grow. Let her be angry, let her yell, hit and take the kids. Maybe she needs to learn forgiveness. You have a broken family, they just dont know it yet. Youre in hell already.... youre at the bottom of the pit. Theres nowhere else to go but up. Start clawing, climbing till you you cant feel your body and your bleeding everywhere..... also realize someone else did that too.... for you ...... willingly. Youre not alone , let the savior help you. He knows you personally, everything about you and he still Loves you.

Love your wife no matter what she does. Accept the fact that she might leave you and take the kids..... Its okay. Accept that you failed miserably. Accept that everything will go wrong, that the world will end.... It might happen. But seriously do something about it, kick yourself whatever but start moving freaking mountains for yourself and your family. Theyre worth it.Its better to try and fail then to fail to try. Theres a guarantee of sorrow if you dont repent, but a hope if you do. Repentance is a gift not a curse. Heavenly Father knows best , and if you do your part , he will do his. Let him surprise you.

[Jennarator]

I don't mean to hi-jack the thread, but I want to say this:

I did him and his wife one of the greatest favors that I can imagine. I did it prayerfully and I consulted priesthood leaders (my own and a good high-councilman friend). I cannot say that there was absolutely no desire on my part to lash out...I am far from perfect. I set him on the road to repentance. I did all that I could do to ensure that he would repent and thereby be less tempted to come after my wife. She deserved to know, and I would have preferred that her husband would have done it, but he was a liar and a coward. I honestly felt, and still feel, like I had a responsibility to this sister.

I have made plenty of mistakes, but I did this to make sure that I was doing all that I could do for my marriage and for another innocent party. I was gentle and respectful and didn't share ANY of the details I knew. I prayed earnestly about the decision and for her and her children.

The way that I posted that I "took care of that too" does sound vindictive, but please ask yourself this: Is the other betrayed spouse better for knowing and for having her husband brought back to her through the repentance process? They are still together. He has gone before a council. She has a chance, and so does he. What they do with it is up to them.

Thanks for clearifing. That make more sense. Althought I am not sure telling was the best idea, at least you didn't call and blurt it out.

[myalternate]

No, I'm saying the guy who got cheated on was dumped by his wife who claimed to be in love with the other man.

Your wife must be picking up on your misery, which would be distressing for her not to know what's going on. Suicide is not the answer. Keeping it a secret for decades is not the answer. Your wife will probably surprise you and stay with you even though she said before that she would leave. How could you have true intimacy in your marriage when you're hiding this from her? Yes, it will be hard, but it is the best thing for both of you for you to get the ball rolling and talk to the bishop, or maybe tell her first and let her know you made an appointment with him.

It's not going to get any easier the longer you wait. Please read this. Peace of Conscience and Peace of Mind The Lord wants you to have peace! Things might not turn out exactly how you want it, but having a clean conscience can give you peace again.

I reread that conference talk you mentioned. I remeber when that was given. Thank you. I noted that he said "May I suggest a way back? You can begin alone and proceed at your own pace. I invite you to carefully study the Book of Mormon. There are many scriptures that show how others have overcome barriers to repentance." I suppose following this advice will not be seen as procrastination. I have thought of doing this before reading this talk. I want to be repent to the point that when I confess to my wife, she will recognize that I have changed and that all I need is her forgiveness and our marriage can survive.

[jayanna]

please, please, please get checked for STD's...protect your wife from that.

Though this is not just between you and your wife.

And you are already punishing your kids, every time they think you are using the priesthood when you're not, every time they think you are using revelation from the Holy Spirit to guide and preside in your family when your not...how can they have a testimony of the priesthood when it is a sham?

You need to get it back. You need the Holy Ghost back, you need to get back to Him, you cannot lead your family down a path that you are not on.

Start on your road to repentance, that's great, but don't leave them out. Don't waste any time at all. Time is of the utmost importance, because they need some experiences with you using the priesthood for their welfare backed by the power of the Holy Ghost before they get out in the world on their own.

Get moving, get clean, get back to the path, you are needed.

[twinbrother]

Confessing is the only way to free yourself from these sins and burdens that your heart, mind, soul, and strength will carry for the rest of your life. It's vitally important to to confess all that you have done to her. Whether she chooses to forgive you and trust in our Heavenly Fathers guidance to allow her to get through all the hurt and pain you will most definitely put her through is up to her and the man upstairs.

It just saddens my heart that humans as a whole have forgotten about letting no man separate husband and wife, regardless. There is always a reason as to why you need to divorce someone now. To me, when one wants a divorce, it means they can't forgive as our Father above has stressed to us. Matthew 6:14 will tell you about forgiveness. Brother, I will ray for you in hopes that she will see the value of Family and will ask for some guidance of her own from our Heavenly Father!!! Good Luck and God bless!!!

[Madriglace]

Don't let time get away from you ... move forward now ... we don't know how much time we have.

I know that the scripture in Helaman scared me straight ...

Helaman 13:38

38 But behold, your days of probation are past; ye have procrastinated the day of your salvation until it is everlastingly too late, and your destruction is made sure; yea, for ye have sought all the days of your lives for that which ye could not obtain; and ye have sought for happiness in doing iniquity, which thing is contrary to the nature of that righteousness which is in our great and Eternal Head

Go for it ... you have everything to gain.

[Family_Man]

Myalternate, what was your purpose on posting on this board? It doesn't seem like you are looking for advice. Rather, it looks like you are looking for justafication, as well as a fair dose of pity. No one should pity you. You are suffering because the Lord often harrows our hearts and minds so that we will seek repentance, and the comfort associated with it. What you appear to be doing is trying to feel better about not repenting. Nothing will ever make you feel better about breaking commandments.

As for your statement about as long as you live your life living your covenants, there seems to be some confusion here; you can not live a covenant that has the prerequisite of cleanliness (temple covenants, priesthood covenants, baptismal covenants) when you are dirty. True, you may go through the motions, but much like the saducees and pharisees, you will be drawing near God with your lips while your heart is far from Him.

I know this post seems harsh, but sometimes in life we need harshness. If everyone coddled you and told you it would be ok, we would do you a huge disservice.

So please, Myalternate, stop wasting your families time and get back on the ONLY path to happiness.

[Lost_one]

I'm sure this has probably been resolved by now, But I commited adultery and accepted responsability for it. My wife stayed with me, although we split later due to not dealing with other issues and I was excommunicated from the church. If I had continued in humility like I started, I would have all my blessings back by now. I made the choice to cheat, I made the choice to tell the truth, I made the choice to be childish and leave the church. Everything was of my own free will. I regret that I cheated, I regret acting childish, But I have never regretted telling the truth, dispite the storm that followed.

Edited March 20, 2011 by Lost_one

[findingmyway]

I'm sure this has probably been resolved by now, But I commited adultery and accepted responsability for it. My wife stayed with me, although we split later due to not dealing with other issues and I was excommunicated from the church. If I had continued in humility like I started, I would have all my blessings back by now. I made the choice to cheat, I made the choice to tell the truth, I made the choice to be childish and leave the church. Everything was of my own free will. I regret that I cheated, I regret acting childish, But I have never regretted telling the truth, dispite the storm that followed.

For being lost.... you have some wisdom in honesty, and truthful , and I admire that.

[Lost_one]

For being lost.... you have some wisdom in honesty, and truthful , and I admire that.

If I am honest with myself and others, at least I'm taking one step in the right direction.

As for being lost. I am. Doesn't mean I'm blind too.

Edited March 20, 2011 by Lost_one