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Guest JustAnotherGirl

the stupidest thing ever....

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Guest JustAnotherGirl

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Edited by JustAnotherGirl
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Do you realize you can transmit STD's that way? Yes, it's serious. Despite feeling awful, you repeated the behavior. You need to confess this ASAP and stop worrying about church discipline. It is possible to contract HIV and the fact that it's no big deal to this man should really concern you.

Tell your bishop.

Tell your husband. He has the right to know. You are jeopardizing his health.

If you can't stay away from this man, find a new job.

It's time to think about how you are affecting others instead of how much trouble you're going to be in.

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Oral sex IS sex. You will have to talk with your bishop and have him determine whether it will require a disciplinary council or not. If you are active and sealed in the temple, I'm thinking it probably will include a DC.

How to stop the addiction? Make it more painful to think about him than the attraction. Wear a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you think of him, see him, hear his voice, etc., snap your wrist with the rubber band. Personally, I think a hammer on the hand would be better to get your attention, but the rubber band is less conspicuous and doesn't break bones.

You are a wife and a Mom! How can you betray your family and hurt your kids like that? Right now you shouldn't be thinking that you screwed up big time. You should be thinking that you've possibly destroyed several lives. You have possibly thrown away your family. You have jeopardized your salvation and exaltation. And you have destroyed another family, as well. There are a lot of victims here, and you aren't one of them. You are the perpetrator.

Yes, there is forgiveness, but don't expect it any time soon. If you are still attracted to the guy, you have not even begun to feel the remorse you need to feel for your sin. You have not even begun to repent, nor count the cost of your evil choice.

I hope you can fully repent of this, and break it off completely. You may just be able to save your marriage and family. But it will not be an easy thing. And right now, you owe your spouse and kids anything and everything for a long, long, long time.

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Please don't take any of this as anything demeaning, but my dear, you need to sit down with a professional and your Bishop and reset where your boundaries are. Many times either because of how we are raised, our personal sense of what's appropriate, the wants override the needs or a combination of any or all of these, our boundaries are shifted and moved, many times to our detriment. I've been there too and have had to reset my boundaries, actually, make boundaries because I didn't have any. It may sound like it's restricting, but I can tell you that I have a huge sense of relief in knowing what's appropriate, what's not and where the line is. Unfortunately, it's something that needs a third party to help us set because we don't see where they are, and where they need to be.

So please, talk to your Bishop, Your husband, your therapist. Go through the repentance process and ask a lot of questions of what is appropriate and not. Don't be shy about it because it seems that you don't have that information. It's ok, as long as you find out and do something about it.

One last little tidbit: You will hear very often the phrase "at least you took responsibility for it." Please keep in mind that responsibility is more than admitting your misdeeds and taking the consequences. It's also doing something about it. It's restitution (if possible) and self analysis and adjustment. This way you will not regress and repeat this aberrant behavior again.

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Guest jengilbrat

I'm with everyone else. See your bishop.

I dont know you, but my first impression is you are more afraid of the consequences than you are interested in true repentance. (Just a first impression, I could be wrong.) Either way, consequences you are currently facing, are better than the eternal ones you will face if you don't repent now. They will be hard, but you made a big mistake. Thanks to the atonement, you can repent. Knowing that will hopefully give you the strength to take the first step.

Each of us has the ability to resist all temptations given to us in our lives. (1 corinth. 10:13) But part of resisting means not putting ourselves into situations that make it harder for us. No matter how hard, you can break all connection with this man, you can. I know we say it all the time, but pray hard, Heavenly Father wants to hear from you, and he wants to help. Talk to your bishop, he is God's tool on Earth to get you through this process.

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Guest jengilbrat

Oh yeah, and I am not some punk that is all knowing and perfect. I've been through some really hard things. I'm just saying what has helped me and given me strength. :)

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Based only on what I've read, I get the feeling you realize you must complete the repentance process, but not much of what's involved beyond that.

Please try to understand that what you've done destroys children, regardless of their ages, because it breaks their parents' hearts. I am an atheist, but I do believe adultery is a sin for a reason in that it destroys the soul of a betrayed spouse in a very particular and devastating way. The result is often the betrayer can be as sorry as it's possible to be, and willing to do any and everything necessary to make things right, and it still not be enough to overcome that sadness in the other spouse.

Unfortunately, in spite of their best efforts, sad parents project that sadness onto their children, which then goes on to make their lives vastly more difficult than they were ever meant to be. If you choose to be with this men one more time, do so with the realization that you may very well be causing your children to suffer from that very moment on.

I do not say these things harshly, or to judge you. I understand why affairs happen. But the fact is, if you want your children to lead happy and healthy lives, the only thing that matters is you stopping this affair now, before it goes on to destroy their ability to have them. Because, once it's too late, you having gone through the repentance process will not make it as if this sadness had never existed in your children. It could even live with them for the rest of their lives, and you don't have the right to do that to them. You're their mother and it is your job to protect them, not hurt them.

I acknowledge I'm being very dramatic, but it really is that dangerous. My best of luck to you and your family.

Elphaba

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Guest JustAnotherGirl
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Ya, that's not correct.

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Guest JustAnotherGirl
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Of course I worry about the afterward stuff and not just consequences, people. But I realize assumptions are sometimes made. But, you know, I am at step 1 in fixing this mess right now. Not step 10. And I really don't know how to complete multiple steps at once.

I never, ever, thought I would be in this position. But I am. And I know it is my fault. And I know it affects a lot of people and I have felt so depressed about this to the point of even being suicidal. But that doesn't help anything, either. And I really do not want to talk about that issue. So, please, don't tell me what I am thinking or anything. You can't possibly know that or even have any idea unless you have been there. But, whatever.

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Guest JustAnotherGirl
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Please don't take any of this as anything demeaning, but my dear, you need to sit down with a professional and your Bishop and reset where your boundaries are. Many times either because of how we are raised, our personal sense of what's appropriate, the wants override the needs or a combination of any or all of these, our boundaries are shifted and moved, many times to our detriment. I've been there too and have had to reset my boundaries, actually, make boundaries because I didn't have any. It may sound like it's restricting, but I can tell you that I have a huge sense of relief in knowing what's appropriate, what's not and where the line is. Unfortunately, it's something that needs a third party to help us set because we don't see where they are, and where they need to be.

So please, talk to your Bishop, Your husband, your therapist. Go through the repentance process and ask a lot of questions of what is appropriate and not. Don't be shy about it because it seems that you don't have that information. It's ok, as long as you find out and do something about it.

One last little tidbit: You will hear very often the phrase "at least you took responsibility for it." Please keep in mind that responsibility is more than admitting your misdeeds and taking the consequences. It's also doing something about it. It's restitution (if possible) and self analysis and adjustment. This way you will not regress and repeat this aberrant behavior again.

Well, maybe I do have to figure out about boundaries. Especially since I am a female in a male dominated career field. Oh, man. I've been married for a long time--over 15 years. My poor husband :(.

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Guest jengilbrat

I think that is part of the problem, you are too worried about step 10. We are urging, to start with step one. Go see the bishop. I don't think anyone wants you to go through what you are now facing. Thank goodness Christ made it possible to be forgiven!

You feel horrible, now, and you wish you could un-do it. You are concerned about how you are going to be viewed and the out come. Thing is, the outcome, if you really want to repent will be a feeling of freedom from the pain you are now feeling.

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Guest JustAnotherGirl
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I think that is part of the problem, you are too worried about step 10. We are urging, to start with step one. Go see the bishop. I don't think anyone wants you to go through what you are now facing. Thank goodness Christ made it possible to be forgiven!

You feel horrible, now, and you wish you could un-do it. You are concerned about how you are going to be viewed and the out come. Thing is, the outcome, if you really want to repent will be a feeling of freedom from the pain you are now feeling.

Nope, I'm at step 1, and that's the one I'm worried about. One step at a time for me. But because I'm worried about it, it appears that I get a bunch of assumptions heaped on me by people who really don't know. Just what I needed....Not.

Bad idea--Posting a question on this forum. Won't make that mistake again.

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Please do not even think about suicide. You must get this resolved before you die. I would encourage you to get the book "The Miracle of Forgiveness" written by Spencer W. Kimball. Learn of the healing power of Christ that can eventually come to you. There will obviously be serious consequences for the choices you have made but do not lose hope.

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Nope, I'm at step 1, and that's the one I'm worried about. One step at a time for me. But because I'm worried about it, it appears that I get a bunch of assumptions heaped on me by people who really don't know. Just what I needed....Not.

Bad idea--Posting a question on this forum. Won't make that mistake again.

I don't get you. What was it you wanted out of the members of this forum? Your question is about whether having oral sex with somebody other than your husband is worth a disciplinary council??? Really???

No, you're not at step 1. You're at step 0. Everyone here is trying to get you to step 1! And worrying about disciplinary council is step one million - that is, something you shouldn't even be worrying about at all! Disciplinary council is the least of your worries!

You'll get to step 1 when you decide to change not because you are worried about what consequences YOU're going to face but rather because you know you are hurting yourself and others. A saddist is somebody who derives pleasure from the suffering of others. You might think that this doesn't apply to you because you are not tying your partner up in chains while performing oral sex... but, it still applies to you because you can derive pleasure while consciously knowing that you are hurting yourself, your husband, your partner's wife, and all the children.

The minute you find having sex (oral or otherwise) with somebody other than your husband as abhorrent, then you have completed Step 1. Right now, you're not there yet. So... don't worry about disciplinary councils or whatever. Concentrate on the realization that your physical desires are not connecting with your conscience... and fix THAT!

So, your next post should be... How do I align my physical desires with my conscience?

You'll be better off asking that question than asking whether you are going to end up in disciplinary council.

YOU NEED MAJOR HELP. SEEK A PROFESSIONAL... TODAY! A professional can get your physical desires aligned with your conscience in a more effective way than what you would get off the internet!

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Nope, I'm at step 1, and that's the one I'm worried about. One step at a time for me. But because I'm worried about it, it appears that I get a bunch of assumptions heaped on me by people who really don't know. Just what I needed....Not.

Bad idea--Posting a question on this forum. Won't make that mistake again.

You asked a question on a forum list to people who do not know you. What kind of answers did you expect? All we can do is take what you have written and surmise the information from what you provided.

We can also determine certain things from behavior, as displayed in your posts. That's all.

Oral sex is a major sin. Your initial post did not display a large amount of remorse, as we've read from others who have also used this forum as a sound board for confession.

Go talk with your bishop. That is step 1. Confess your sins to the Lord's Judge in Israel. Get his counsel and guidance on the following steps.

Next, have a family member take your kids for the weekend, and have a long discussion with your husband. He will need the entire weekend to even begin to process this. You don't want the kids around when he hits the ceiling, which he has the right to do.

I do agree it is time to find a new job, away from the man you sinned with. But talk with your bishop and husband first.

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Guest jengilbrat

Wait, You asked for any helpful information. That's what we provided. You also said you know you need to repent. That is the advice of everyone on this thread. What, exactly, are you asking for? A secret tip that will help you skip something or a password that only the bishop knows that will make it so you don't have to tell your husband? Maybe a guarantee that you husband will forgive you and everything will ba back to normall in a few weeks? Perhaps we just mistinterpreted your question.

If we didn't and you want to know what to do. Then the advice is to see your Bishop and tell your husband. You said it's been a week or so, we've been telling you for a couple days now. Why are you still waiting? If you have another question, or we are not answering it, then, please rephrase it. If there is something else we can help you with, we will try. Perhaps this whole conversation isn't what you want to know, becasue we all misunderstood the question. Maybe you need to hear a "there there, honey, everything will be ok." Well it will be ok, if you repent. It might not be easy and you might loose your husband (Althought you might not, and countless couple have got thru this without divorce) however if you repent, everything will be ok. You will be free from the pain and be able to progress.

I know you said that you don't know how to do all 10 steps at once, nobody advised that. We wouldn't because I really think the people on here want to see you get thru this. Many people on this site have gotten thru this. You can and Christ made it possible. You do, however have to start the process. Putting it off won't make you feel better, suicide won't make it better, there are no secrets to the process. It is laid out for us to use. Heaven;y Father wants you to use the process. He doesn't care about excusses, he just wants you to be happy. Believe it or not that's what people on this forum want too, but you have to own up to what you have done. It might sound harsh, but what you did was harsh. Let the Lord take your pain. You might even feel a slight relief just from calling and setting the appointment to see the bishop because you know you are taking the first step.

Another thing: don't worry about the judgemental people that might find out, they are not without sin, at least you are willing to repent. Sometimes I think the "little sins" are going to keep people out of Heaven, because they don't think they are doing anything wrong and they don't repent. You'll be ok, if you work thru this, then you will be suprised who you see in the Celestail Kingtdom, and also who isn't there....

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Bad idea--Posting a question on this forum. Won't make that mistake again.

No, bad idea asking a question, then not wanting the answer. You want to be consoled and to be told everything is all right. Well, it's not. You've done a great disservice to yourself, you broke the vows taken in your marriage, you broke the laws of chastity. There is no saying everything is alright, and will be alright. No one here is clairvoyant enough to see into your future to make any such claim. Everyone here is telling you out of their various experiences that you need to see the Bishop to get the repentance process rolling and at some point, you're going to have to pay the piper. It is inescapable.

It's up to you if you're willing to take the advice. But we've seen what happens when people don't take their actions and repentance seriously. You are a precious child of God. He wants all the best for you. But you have to be willing to let him give it to you. You have to open yourself up and let Him in. Talking to your Bishop is the first step. Please take it. If you decide not to, well, there's not a whole lot else we can say or do.

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Nope, I'm at step 1, and that's the one I'm worried about. One step at a time for me. But because I'm worried about it, it appears that I get a bunch of assumptions heaped on me by people who really don't know. Just what I needed....Not.

Bad idea--Posting a question on this forum. Won't make that mistake again.

What are we supposed to think? The majority of people who come here confessing that they committed adultery are usually more concerned about what's going to happen to them than how badly it's going to devastate their spouse. If you are truly remorseful, you should be prepared to accept every consequence for your actions and not complain about the severity of it. It seems like everyone in your position wants to be told that they don't have to tell their spouse and they can just repent quietly on their own - without telling anyone.

You aren't going to stop repeating this behavior until you confess to the bishop and to your husband. That will make quitting your job a whole lot easier too because you know that will be the first thing your husband expects if he chooses to stay with you.

No one here is going to tell you it's going to be easy. It won't be. Just get it over with and then you can move forward in your life.

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Guest jengilbrat

MorningStar, it takes me way too many words to say what you can say, and you do it clearer and shorter. Maybe I should shut up!

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Guest jengilbrat

No, not bad, that you say things better than I do! Hahaha....sorry I should be more clear.

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Guest jengilbrat

Phew....now Ihave stopped slapping myself in the face.....I was wondering why I couldn't stop!

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