Devastated


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I found out over a year ago that my husband doesn't remember the first time we made love, but he remembers that experience with his ex-wife. This has absolutely devastated me. I thought that by now, more than a year later, I'd be over this, and able to put this behind me. But, I can't get over the hurt. We've been married nearly 30 years and have of course gone through our trials, but we've always been able to overcome everything that has come our way. My husband feels bad, and tries to reassure me that I'm number one in his life. This has resurrected issues that I thought we had gotten beyond, and it has brought up a lot of insecurities I've had in our relationship that I thought were no longer there. I've had to take off my wedding ring because of the hurt I feel whenever I see it.

A little history here, so you know where I'm coming from--and I'm sorry this will take up so much space. My husband was divorced when we met, and he had custody of his two small children--ages 2 and 4. He divorced his ex after she had had several affairs. I fell in love with his children and him. We had some issues after we were first married because I felt like he still had feelings for his ex-wife, that I was second choice, and couldn't measure up to her, etc. Some of the things that bothered me were: he didn't buy me an engagement/wedding ring, but he had gotten one for her; shortly after we were married he and his ex went out secretly to dinner (I presume to discuss the kids); at one time when she came over to pick up the kids for visitation, and I wasn't home, he allowed her to follow him into our bedroom; my husband and ex were still sharing confidences with each other after we were married; he asked me if she could move in with us if she ever needed to; he called me by her name on occasion; we ended up taking care of his ex's third child when she divorced her 2nd husband and she couldn't handle the child for awhile (we fell in love with this child, and would have adopted her if she would have let us); while he was working at the University, and she attended school there, he gave her rides home. There were a lot of other things that happened, that made me feel insecure about our relationship, but this gives you an idea. Of course, this didn't all happen at once. This was over the course of several years. And to give my husband credit, he simply didn't know how to handle an ex-wife--the woman who was the mother to his two oldest children, the woman he had at one time promised to be with for eternity, etc. Because of the children, he wasn't sure where to draw the line. His ex was experiencing depression, and what was happening in her life, invariably affected the children.

All this was hard on me. But, we got through this. We had five children together, so with his two from his first marriage, we raised seven children. And I love my step children as my own. My husband knew I was upset about the things that happened with his ex-wife after we were first married, and we discussed them somewhat. We should have really discussed them in depth, so my husband would have truly understood the extent of my hurt, and gotten to the core of what was also happening with him. But neither my husband nor I like confrontation, so these issues got buried. And some years later, I also found out that my husband didn't remember his marriage proposal to me, but he remembered his proposal to his ex. And one that really hurts, is, he forgot our experience of taking me through the veil at the temple, but he remembered the experience with his ex (those of you who've been sealed, will know what I'm talking about here, and what a wife tells her husband at the veil). I thought I had forgiven my husband for the things that happened. We did buy me a wedding ring after we'd been married for about 10 years. I loved that ring.

Now fast forward about 20 years. I had a fantasy in my head that with the step children grown, and living on their own and leading their own lives, that my husband's ex would no longer be a part of our lives except for weddings, baptisms, graduations, etc. And then nearly two years ago, his ex asks to be friends on face book with my husband, me, his siblings, his parents, all of our children--not just hers, etc. I admit I was upset, and I let my husband know how I felt. My husband wasn't on face book much, and he just let it slide. About four months after that, his ex showed up at a quilting bee my husband's side of the family was having for our youngest daughter who was getting married. (This is not her daughter). Everyone was quietly saying to me "why is she here?" I think she came because her/my oldest daughter (my step daughter), was there, and because my step daughter lives out of the country, we don't see her very often. I can understand wanting to be with your daughter, when you don't get to see very much of her. But, to me, this just wasn't appropriate. After I got home from the quilting bee, I pretty much lost it. I told my husband how I felt--how upset I was. You have to understand that I am usually under control with my emotions. I'm usually a pretty calm person, and I'm known as the strong one. People come to me for help and advice. Anyway, I was crying, and I couldn't stop. This scared my husband because he has never seen me like this before. (When our 2nd daughter was killed in a car accident several years before this, I didn't cry at first, I was in such shock, plus I had to be strong for the rest of the children). This crying episode scared my husband so much, that the next day he didn't even go into work. And I admit, it scared me too. I've never lost control like this before. I think, what I was realizing, is that his ex will always be a part of our lives. There will never be a time when she is completely out of the picture.

We started talking after this--really delving into our relationship. We discussed things like--why didn't he buy me an engagement/wedding ring when we first got married. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't get a ring until after we'd been married about 10 years. Now he tells me, he feels like he has never really gotten me a ring. This ring that I loved, he feels like I bought for myself. It isn't one, he feels that he got for me. (Even though we were both there when we got the ring). That hurt my feelings. And during the course of our conversations, I asked him why he didn't delete his ex-wife from face book when he knew how upset I was about it. After that he did delete her, and he sent emails to the rest of the family to please be mindful of his privacy when they're on face book, etc. And also during one of our conversations, when we were discussing our sex life, (which has had it's ups and downs, but overall has been pretty amazing), I had a question about our first time together. And he doesn't remember the experience at all. Because we have had some pretty in depth conversations, I knew he still remembered his first experience with his ex-wife. Now, you have to understand, that I was a virgin, so of course our first time of making love was significant to me. I just can't understand how he can totally forget this. I am so hurt!

This has completely devastated me. I feel like his first wife has so much more significance in his life than I ever have. Combined with him forgetting our proposal, our temple sealing (veil experience), and now knowing he has no memory of our first sexual experience together, but he remembers all of those things with his first wife, I feel so hurt and totally heart broken. I had to take my wedding ring off, because every time I saw it, it reminded me that he feels like he has never gotten me a ring, which would remind me that he didn't get me a ring when we first got married, and then that would remind me that he doesn't remember our first love making experience together, but he remembers it with his ex-wife. And I would just get extremely sad, and would often start crying. I try not to let my husband see how often I cry about this, but he's seen the red eyes even though I've tried to hide it.

We are trying to overcome these issues and insecurities. We are reading together the book "The Five Love Languages". My husband is trying to get his sealing to his first wife cancelled. I think he feels that that will prove to me that he loves me more than his ex-wife. I don't have much hope of the sealing being cancelled. He tried to have it cancelled when we first got sealed in the temple, more than 29 years ago--but the answer he got from the First Presidency was "that it isn't necessary". I understand that because she's been excommunicated that her temple blessings have been revoked. The only things that are different this time, from when he originally requested to have his temple sealing to her cancelled, is that she has asked to have her name removed from the rolls of the church, and she is now married.

Do you think there's any hope for me to overcome this? I want to have joy in my marriage. I just feel hurt. I've prayed, and prayed. Peace has not come. This, to me, is grief. And maybe time will heal these wounds. But, in the meantime I still feel heart broken. I've tried to put this at the altar of the Lord, for I know he understands my pain. And I also know that to some people, this seems so insignificant to grieve over. It isn't like he's been unfaithful to me. But it isn't insignificant to me. This is almost more than I can bear. I know what grief is, and this is it. I welcome any help. Thank you.

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I'm sorry to hear about how upset you are. If it mattered to you, why did you accept a proposal without a ring? We teach people how to treat us. I don't know why he didn't think it was a big deal, but maybe his ex didn't value her ring all that much and he figured it wouldn't matter much to you?

Sounds like he has trouble figuring out where the line needs to be drawn when it comes to dealing with her. He does need to treat her respectfully as the father of her children, but he shouldn't be doing personal favors for her. Their discussions should be limited to the kids and any rules that apply to members of the opposite sex, it should especially apply to them because they have a history. Discussions about the kids shouldn't happen in a date-like setting. Sometimes when people get married, they have a hard time cutting the strings to their parents when they're supposed to be cleaving to their spouse. I think the same can happen with exes. A friend of mine freaked out when she was on her honeymoon and her husband's ex called him. She was watching their kids at his home and didn't know of a dentist in the area and she was having tooth pain. He felt obligated to help her instead of tell her, "You are a big girl with access to Google. I'm sure you can find someone. Don't call me on my honeymoon." An emergency with the kids would have been a reason to call. Calling for her own personal problem was not appropriate. He defended his ex and they got in a major fight because she felt totally violated.

I think you need to stop digging for comparisons. I don't think sex with his ex-wife should even be a topic of conversation for you two. No good can come of it. If his first time with her stands out, maybe it was just way more new and awkward, but more natural with you? Women have a better memory when it comes to significant romantic moments. I can tell you the exact day my husband and I first kissed. In fact, he is convinced I initiated it! :lol: Not true. We've been arguing about that for years.

OK, so go have a rational discussion with him about appropriate boundaries with his ex and remember the fact that he has chosen to be with you for the last 30 years. I have even seen these sorts of feelings come up when the man's first wife died, the second wife wondering if she can measure up.

Good luck! :)

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Thank you MorningStar. You bring up some good points. And you too, Dravin. I know I shouldn't compare, and I've tried hard not too. It's just that because I know certain facts about their relationship, it's hard to ignore what has happened with ours. And as to the proposal/ring situation, I knew my husband had some financial stresses at the time, but I thought he would come through--even up until the wedding ceremony. He had recently purchased a bed and a TV, so finances were tight and we only had a two week engagement.

As for discussing appropriate boundaries with his ex, we've done this. It should have been discussed when we were first married, not 30 years later. My husband says he wishes we would have had these discussions earlier, because then some of the things he did with his ex, early in our marriage, wouldn't have occurred.

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First off, the way you feel is not insignificant. It's how you feel. It's real and it needs to be addressed by you and your husband.

That being said, it seems to me that you may be asking the Lord for the wrong thing. What you need to ask for more than anything is to forgive him.

There is a wisdom in couple starting over and letting the past be the past. It does seem that you two love each other very much. So you have a one question to ask yourself:

What do you want?

If you want him to remember the past and to demand that those milestones be remembered by him, then he will fail, your relationship will fail, and all the decades of togetherness, love, family and companionship will be for naught.

If you want a marriage that is strong, filled with love and hope for the eternities, then you will forgive him and move on.

He seems to be a pretty decent guy. You seem to love him dearly. Both of which is why you feel such a big hurt. It's really good that you both are talking about this and that it's out there in the light of day. Now work through this and decide that it's time to start over. Let the past be the past and start with the here and now and plan for your future together. That's just as, if not more important than what's in his memory. And if you do decide on having a future together, put the past to rest and leave it be. Your life and happiness together is more important and deserves better than that.

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I agree with Slamjet. Forgiveness is the key here. Its also not something that can happen overnight.

I suggest having one last conversation with you husband about his ex. Explain the boundaries that need to be set and respected and come to an agreement. Then that's the end of it. Forgive him and tell him you forgive him. He's not going to remember the things you expect him to. Men's brains are wired differently - fact of life! Every time you remember, consciously change your thoughts. If it takes singing a primary song to get the thoughts out of your head, then do it. Whatever it takes to stop thinking about it. Pray!! Praying to find forgiveness works. Praying to forget this will work too.

About the ring... if it hurts to wear it, then don't. The ring is not part of the temple marriage ceremony. Its a worldly symbol. Don't let it interfere with healing your heart and your relationship with your husband.

About the sealing cancellation... forget it. It truly isn't important and you don't need a piece of paper to tell you that you husband isn't sealed to his first wife. She has already taken care of that with her choices. Let it go.

Let the atonement heal your heart. Satan wants you to hold on to the hurt and anger. Don't let him win.

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I'm really embarrassed about this OP now. I sound like such a cry baby (which I hate). I'm usually a positive person. Sometimes, just writing down how we are feeling helps put things into perspective. And now that I've reread it, I realized just how much I've been focusing on the negative aspects of my marriage and not the positive. Several months ago, after one of our deep discussions about our relationship, my husband asked me if he "ever did anything right"? Of course I told him he did. And he thought it might be a good idea if I typed up a list of the positive things in our marriage. I told him I would. Well, I put it off and forgot about it. After rereading my OP today, and talking to my husband about my post, I decided to start my list. I'm already on my second page of positives!

One of the positives in our marriage is our communication. We are very best friends, so we confide everything to each other. Anyway, I think that's mostly a positive, but, because of the openness of our confidences, that's how I've learned about the things that have hurt me. I know we'll get through this. We've gotten through all of our past problems, and we'll weather this too. One of the positives of this experience, is because of our in-depth talks, I'm much more secure in the love my husband has for me. The heartache is still here, but I know I can overcome this.

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Let's get one thing straight here:

There's nothing embarrassing about how you honestly feel.

Just as long as you both take a hard, honest look at it, talk about it, and take it as a way to learn more about each other and your relationship. In the end, it will do one of two things: break you up, or bring you closer. You are wise enough to not let it stay bottled up and fester but to talk about it in a mature, loving manner. And take a look at what's happened. He knows how you feel, you were able to vent your feelings and you both have taken this as a way to get closer to each other.

I'm not denying the pain, but I'm pointing out that you took that that pain and turned it into a much greater capacity to forgive and love.

A lot of people can learn a lot of positive lessons about marriage from you both. I know I just did. Thank you.

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Classy, I think the adversary was really working on you.

My husband has a first wife, too. I remember when his grandmother was writing out the family genealogy in her Bible, she asked him when he married his first wife (this was literally right after we got married) she wrote that date down...and I was mentioned nowhere. I asked him on the way home why I wasn't in there, and he said, "Because 2nd wives don't count." Boy oh Boy you can imagine how it went after that!

He did not call me by her name often, but he did slip on that. And to top it off, his son lived with us and got baptized...and openly admitted he would have them sealed after we all pass away. Boy was that one a tough thing to swallow. I can't be mad at him, though, it is only that he loves his parents and wants to be with them for eternity. He is supposed to want that, so how can I fault him?

It is hard to hear the phone ring, see her on the ID, and then he walks into the other room to talk to her :( The adversary wants me to be jealous, he wants me to make a long list of why I'm not important to my husband. He wants me to worry about sharing him with her for eternity...but I won't. I won't let him take away the best thing that has ever happened to me on this earth...being sealed to that man.

I just got my wedding ring this Valentine's Day, our 10th. It is so surreal to read your post, but the difference is I don't care what he thinks of that ring. I had to bribe him to get him to the jewelry store, and I had to help pay for it...but I don't care. It is for me, not him, people can see it and know that I'm married. That's a good thing, because I've been asked out at work a lot lately and I don't think it's fair for them to think I'm available and get their hopes up only to smash them down by telling them I'm married. They need a little warning sign, and it might as well be a pretty one that I like, so a new ring it is :) poor me. :) :)Pink sapphire's! need I say more? :D

The idea of them being sealed makes me quake a little, bit I have to remember that he belongs to God first, and then me, and that he loves me and I love him. It really isn't fair for me to throw the kitchen sink at him every time I get mad (which is what I used to do) he can't do anything about it.

When he needs someone to love, he reaches for me, and only me, and we are very happy.

Forgive him, drop it, and don't look back. That's my advice.

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I don't know how to quote yet from other posts, but Jayanna, thank you for your post. I understand completely about the genealogy thing in the Bible, because something similar has happened with us. It hurts to see only the first wife's name mentioned on the genealogy records. Hopefully, things will improve with your step-son and you. Just continue loving him. I was blessed that my step children were so young when my husband and I married. I raised them and love them like my own. And I know they love me back. They also love their mother, and that's the way it should be. My step kids are active in the church, and both have served missions. My step son is married, and his wife is expecting their fifth child. My step daughter hasn't married and lives in Asia. Her parents divorce seems to have affected her more than her brother, and I believe she is afraid to commit or even get involved with anyone. Because I love my step children as my own, their sorrows are also my sorrows. Their joys are also my joys. I fully believe that because of the sealing covenant, their mother will someday hear the whisperings of the spirit and will return to the gospel. I will rejoice with my step children when that happens, because I know how much they want this. They love her so much and are so worried for her. I don't worry any more about her being sealed to my husband. My husband has let me know that he has no desire to be with her in the eternities. We've been taught that we will not be forced to spend eternity with someone we don't want to be with.

I know the adversary has been working on me. Wouldn't he love to destroy another family? I'm determined not to let that happen. That's why it's been so important to me to work on the issues my husband and I are having. That's why my husband and I have got to talk about this. I've done a lot of self-instrospection lately, and I basically think what it all boils down to, is insecurity. If I was totally secure in my husbands love for me, then the memory thing wouldn't matter. That's why the actions of my husband early in our marriage has got to be discussed, and we need to come to grips with it. If I learn that he still has feelings for his ex, then like Slamjet says, it will either break us up, or if we can get beyond it, bring us closer.

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I agree with most of the replys, but as a woman, I do have to agree with ClassyLady, it is a little strange that her husband doesn't remember their first night as husband and wife?? Even though it wasn't his first time, it was pretty significant. I wasn't my husband's first time, but his first and only wife, and he says he doesn't remember his first time that much with the other person. (Now I am sure that was partially for my benefit, but I do think it was less significant than his wedding night) My husband was excited to be with his virgin wife on our wedding night. I am sure he was feeling good that he had a little experience under his belt (he has told me that).

Unless he has some memory problems, he should remember that night. Why would he say that?

Edited by sweetiepie
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Why would he say that?

If she asked him (and I get the impression their conversations go places particularly with her worries) he's put in a bind. Lie to her or own up to the fact he doesn't remember. I get the impression this is a realization made across a couple conversations and on her part. Something like Conversation A it's mention he does remember his first night with his ex (I don't imagine him just offering this up out of the blue - "Hey honey, how was your day? BTW, I remember the first night with my Ex") and in Conversation B its mentioned that he doesn't remember their first night together (also something I don't see out of the blue but something flowing from a conversation).

I agree its strange he doesn't remember but unless you think he's lying to hurt her there isn't much he can do if the question(s) is/are put to him, either lie to protect her feelings and tarnish his integrity, or keep his integrity intact but hurt her.

Edited by Dravin
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Guest jengilbrat

Wow, this thread is a good one. I think a lot of second wives have so many of these feelings. I know I have a very hard time with some of these same things. Some things I am afraid to ask, for fear that the answer won't be what I want to hear. I have to go to Provo to take my kids to see thier dad, and every time I hear about how my husband lived hear with his ex and how they did this or that together. I am trying to com to terms with the fact that he just sees it as part of his past, like the houses he lived in as a child, but it is so hard!! He even drove us by the first apartment he lived in with his first wife while he and I were on out honeymoon! I know he didn't mean anything by it, but for some odd reason he didn't think anything of it. I love him so much and I wish I could erase the past, but i can't.

It's really hard. I also hate to hear my mother in law talk to her, like they are best friends. Sometimes I feel like she would rather he stayed with her. She send birthday cards to her, too.

Sorry to babble on, I know you are hurting, and it is legit. Just know you are not alone, and that your husband loves you. I know by you posting this, it makes me remember I am not alone, thank you for that!

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I think you need to love yourself! Know that you are worthy of being loved, right now.

I don't know if my hubby remembers our first time together, he is definitely more worried about if he gets to today :D Your husband seems like mine, in that he is focused on the now.

Your kids are so close and love each other, and that is a very good thing, but that means she is probably going to show up to activities the kids are tied to. Yeah, it's like someone ripped that bandage right off that old would. Expect her to show up for their things, keep your relationship with your husband separate from the relationships you have with your children.

I think your love language is time. Memories are very important to you. Maybe using some special time to make some more memories will help you recover from this doubt of your relationship. Do something together (yes, just the two of you) that he and she never did. Create some memories and take some pictures to help him remember...like going to a special location, or having an exciting activity...like a mission or taking a class together...maybe have another honeymoon at a cabin or in NYC, conference at SLC, Disneyland...think of something you would both like to do, take a lot of pictures that you can share with others and help him remember...it's time to go into uncharted territory!

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Oh my goodness, I'm sorry but that sounds like something that would have to be done with me! I'm so clueless :huh:

lol...It was bad enough that I was determined to spend $$$ on something we can't eat or heat our home with, but to require his actual presence was just over the top. GROWL, just get over here, fine, we will also shop for a new coin for you to toss while you are umpiring...pair it with something of a practical nature and he's there. (dramatic roll of the eyes) He is just glad his ring doesn't have to match mine (pink :P)

He is so practical, he is just perfect for me. He gets things done.

Sorry, off topic

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I doubt I have much to contribute to this thread. I thank all of you who have expressed how you feel being your husbands second wife and your reactions to their ex's.

This is something I haven't put much thought into yet, mostly because I haven't even dated since divorcing my children's mom. And I would be (perhaps I should say would have been) one of those guys that wouldn't bother with a ring if I get remarried.

My memory is already faulty and so reading all of this just makes me think I will have to make sure if I do get married again that I need to do something or somethings to ensure my first night after getting married is memorable.

I would love to leave everything that went wrong with my first marriage in the past but suspect that my childdren's mom will not leave it in the past.

And classylady I did not take anything you said as whining or being a cry baby but as legitimate worries and concerns and feelings. I hope you continue to communicate with your husband and get everything worked out so that the hurt feelings will no longer trouble you.

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The mind is a strange thing and unfortunately we cannot control it. We don't understand why some important events are vividly recorded and other events which are more important can barely be remembered at all. I'm sure your husband wishes that he could remember his first night with you in vivid detail and re-live it in his dreams every night. But that's just not reality and it's not his fault, your fault or anybody else's fault. It doesn't mean he enjoyed his first night with his ex-more or that it was more memorable. I'm sure he enjoyed both nights and it's not a competition. He's with you. He loves and desires you.

This isn't something that you can change or affect or make better, so there's no point in dwelling on it and making it a big deal. You just need to accept that it's not a perfect world, be thankful your husband loves you, put back on your ring and be glad he loves you and move forward in life.

Remembering in detail the first sexual experience with someone is not very common. Neither my wife or I can remember very well what we did for our first time. I just have one snapshot view/picture that stuck in my head, but all other details about what was said, thought, done, experienced, etc are lost. For whatever reason they didn't get recorded in my brain or hers. And it's not because we'd had so many experiences with other people prior to that they it wasn't recorded. The memories just faded away. But I know that it happened, and I know we thoroughly enjoyed it, and I'm glad I still get to enjoy being with her. Enjoy the present, don't dwell on the past. Remembering the first time will never be better than making love to him THIS time. :) Maybe that helps.

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I really appreciate all the comments! It's so interesting to see the difference in the men's and women's perspective. Everything posted has been helpful. Plus, almost every single thing that the women have posted about their marriages, and being the second wife, has happened to me over the course of my marriage--my husband has driven past their old homes, pointed out the motel where they honeymooned, wanted to take me on a romantic trip to New Orleans, where he once took his ex, etc Plus, early in my marriage I felt my in-laws cared for the first wife more than they did me, but I know differently now. I understand how it feels, because I've been-there-done-that. But, I have a perspective that 30 years of marriage has brought. It gets better. Now, that the step children are grown and no longer living in our home, there is very little interaction with the former spouse. But, like I mentioned in my OP, I think I subconsciously thought that she wouldn't be a part of our lives at all at this stage, except for the occasional baby blessing of grandchildren, etc. That bubble was burst, and it was hard to acknowledge to myself that she would always be a part of our lives.

And to answer a few of the questions, yes the knowledge that was gained about my husband's first sexual experience with his ex compared to our first experience has come over the course of a number of conversations--the conversations just happened to flow in those directions. I appreciate my husband's honesty. I would rather have him be honest than to lie to protect my feelings.

My husbands forgetfulness of our proposal, our first sexual experience, and our temple veil experience, wouldn't bother me, because I know memory can go, except for the fact that he remembers those with his first wife--and those with her were even further in the past. And this is where I know I shouldn't compare, but I ask myself, why were those memories more significant to him with her than they were with me? My husband tries to reassure me. He tells me I'm not any less significant or memorable. But, I guess I go from my own experience, and for me, most of the things that stand out in my memory, are memories that had special significance in my life. Maybe men just don't think that way. I don't know.

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You need to remember that sex for a man is less about emotion than the actual act. We think about it quite differently than women do. That's where a lot of frustration from women come from. When women ask how we feel after sex, they want to hear "I felt a wonderful spiritual connection with you." Instead they get "it felt good/great/awesome." Then we men are thrown into the dog house because we don't understand. And quite frankly, we don't. We get confused by it all.

So if his first wife was his first, then yes, it will definitely be remembered as a milestone in his life. After that, it's an "it feels good" type of thing. It's how we are wired. And yes, it stinks.

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why were those memories more significant to him with her than they were with me?

I remember what page my 7th grade math text introduced exponents. There are scores of people from my mission that were more significant than that and I can't remember names, and some of the ones I can remember are slipping. I came home off my mission 3 years ago so it isn't exactly ancient history. Heck, I've had times when I can't remember an old companion's name. You'd think living with someone for 6-12 weeks would be more significant than a random page number in an old text book from my middle school days.

I don't know if it's a guy versus girl thing or if its just an individual thing, but my memory certainly doesn't operate on the principle that remembered details are more significant to me than forgotten ones.

Heck, you're a parent, how often have you confused your children's names? If anything like my parents plenty of times, I've been called all the male children's names in the family plenty of times as they work through the list. Sure it's a momentary lapse as opposed to a forgotten memory but it's just memory being fickle, it doesn't mean my name (and by extension myself) isn't significant.

Edit: Trust me though, I can certainly understand why it may feel like it's more important to him. It's just our perceptions don't always match up with what is actually happening.

Edited by Dravin
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A first experience with someone probably is more likely to be stored permanently in the brain, but it certainly doesn't make it more important or mean that we'd rather remember that one over the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc experiences.

I remember my first kiss, but not my second. I remember my first sexual experience, but not my second with the same girl. I remember my first time driving a car, but I don't remember the first time driving my favorite sports car. I remember my first time hitting a home run, but not the second. There is definitely something about our brains that tends to record a first experience in more detail than later experiences. I'm sure you can think of examples in your own life as well. It doesn't mean anything. It's just a far from perfect memory. One organ that tries to understand and catalog our life experiences. And sometimes the most efficient way for the brain to catalog them is to say, "wow, that's a new experience. We'll start a new folder for that one." Then some time later, "hey, here's that experience again, let's catalog it into that same folder again." Then a few years later, "Time to clean house, lets take those memories stored in that folder and just make them tally marks under that experience category. We know they happened, they happened many times. We don't access them often. Tally marks will be good enough."

And of course if we could control our brains we'd say, "Dont you dare change that memory to a tally mark!!! Overwrite my first heartbreak or most embarassing moment instead. I can lose that one!" But the brain just does it's own thing.

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Classylady... here's your problem. You feel you have to be more special than your ex.

This isn't a contest. It's not a "he loves her more than me" contest. And if you think it is - then you're the only one playing the game.

But, it is okay if you got caught in the contest and can't let up. It's understable because of being "2nd" in something. It's not just a unique thing with 2nd wives. It's a dilemma faced by 2nd girlfriends, 2nd children, salutatorians, Grammy nominees who don't win... etc. etc.

For example, I pick up a movie from blockbuster they always put "Academy Award Nominee so-and-so" on the cover and all I can think of is - hmm, in other words, "Academy Award Loser so-and-so"... But, just because they never won the Academy Award doesn't mean that their work is less special becasue of it. Johnny Depp, for example, never won an Academy. But, all his movies has made over 8 billion dollars combined! There is no question that he is one great actor. So, it is understandable for Johnny Depp to feel bad that he isn't "special" or that he is somehow unloved... because, he never won an Academy.

But, he doesn't care about that. Because, he knows that his work is great and that he is special. He doesn't need Academy anything to prove it.

That's how you should be with your marriage. Does he care about you? Does he love you? Are you not happy with how he treats you? What does it matter if he remembers your first time or he remembers the temple or whatever little tidbit you are using as a stick to measure his love for you?

His ex is special. Of course, she is! Just because they can't get a marriage to succeed doesn't mean she isn't special anymore. At one point in his life he loved that woman. But, that shouldn't be your measuring stick for his love for you. Your measuring stick is not what he remembers or what he doesn't remember. Your measuring stick is how he treats you every single day of your life.

My husband - we've been married 13 years. He still buys me jewelry because he can't remember that I don't wear them. He has to look at his wedding ring (that we got 2 years after we got married) to check what day we got married. He can't remember when we got sealed. He can't remember what happened on our first date - he doesn't even remember having a first date! But, he can name you every single player in the San Diego Pandres line-up complete with their batting average from 1990. And yes, he still remembers his first date with his first girlfriend.

What does that matter? It doesn't. Because, he comes home TO ME every single day. There is no denying he loves me. I can't ask for more. So, when he comes home with this twinkle in his eye because he got me some present and then I open it and it's chocolate covered cherries - he can't seem to remember that I hate cherries - I give him lots of kisses and thanks him profusely. Because, I know he did it because he thought it would make me happy.

Give the guy a break. Love is hard enough without him having to measure up to something that doesn't really matter in the long run.

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Thank you Anatess. I agree, this is not a contest. And it definitely is not a game. I've got 30 years of marriage under my belt, and I'm proud of that. We've had laughs, tragedy, financial stress, good times, and bad times--ups and downs, highs and lows. Marriage is about commitment. We are committed to making our marriage work. And spouses are not perfect. I'm not perfect, and neither is my husband. We each have our own idiosyncrasies that the other deals with. When you're committed, you work on the problems and try to solve them. Some issues simply cannot be resolved, but you work around them, and then simply move on with your lives. And in this case, that is what is going to happen. I will move on. But it doesn't necessarily take away the hurt that I've felt.

I absolutely agree and understand that his memory is not a barometer of his love for me. But, because of this knowledge of his memory loss with me, it has resurrected all the old insecurities I've had in our relationship. And it comes down to some of his earlier actions. He had a date with her after we were married, he asked me if she could move in with us if she needed too, etc., etc., etc. I did not go into all the details of what has happened. My husband now says, that these actions of his were wrong, and he's sorry I was hurt. And if I was totally secure in his love for me, his memory loss of our first time together, etc. wouldn't matter at all. And is it so wrong of me to want to feel special in his life? Because, that is what it comes down to. I don't feel special in his life. I know he loves me, and I'm not asking that he love me more than his ex. (But, that would be sweet if he did). I just need to know that I'm at least up there on the same level.

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