Why does the spouse of one who has affair not allowed to know disciplinary action?


dontunderstand
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Could you be a tad more specific with your charge?

As far as I know, spouses ARE allowed to know the results of a disciplinary council involving a cheating spouse.

In point of fact, it's part of the repentance process to come clean about- and make right (as much as is possible) one's infidelity.

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It's natural to want to know that someone who has wronged us "got theirs".

But frankly, if you're no longer married to him, then any disciplinary action is between your ex, God, and the Church. It no longer concerns anyone else--end of story.

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Question: If the spouse were to find out, what would she do with the information?

It's not only the policy of the church to not disclose disciplinary actions, it's also the law of the land. Plus, if the husband didn't tell the wife, then learning about what disciplinary acts were made are the least of her worries. And if she needs to know so that she can assuage her hurt feelings, then she ought to know it won't do a bit of good. She needs to garner forgiveness, let the bitterness go and move on with life. Not fester about what the Church did or should have done. That will only serve to destroy her from the inside-out.

She needs to work with him as he is the father of their child. To harbor feelings of revenge is not only going to stop her progression, it is going to serve to ruin the child. Both sides need to get over themselves, accept the marriage is over, and cooperate on the one purpose they both have no choice but to share; the raising of their child. Everything else is secondary.

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It's natural to want to know that someone who has wronged us "got theirs".

But frankly, if you're no longer married to him, then any disciplinary action is between your ex, God, and the Church. It no longer concerns anyone else--end of story.

I disagree considering she's carrying the ex's child. He had no problem doing what he did so he shouldn't have a problem allowing his now-ex to know the result.

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Why does the spouse not allowd to know the disciplinary action taken against husband who had an affair? She ended up divorcing him finally but was not able to know what if any action was taken by the church even though she is still sealed to him and caring for their child.

Does spouse live in same ward and or Stake???? and who told her she wasnt allowed to know????
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Ok, folks. As someone who has gone through the process, I'll say again:

It's not only the policy of the church to not disclose disciplinary actions, it's also the law of the land.

So let's not get too snippy here. My wife would have never found out about it if I didn't tell her. It's just the way it is.

Besides, there are worse things to worry about if he doesn't tell her what happened. The silence on the matter is a symptom of something bigger.

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Not getting snippy....I know how church councils work....I gots some experience there...:D

Then I offer my apologies.

I'm just worried about this thread turning into a commentary about what's wrong with the Church's policy on Disciplinary Councils when, in my experience, it's been nothing but positive.

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Then I offer my apologies.

I'm just worried about this thread turning into a commentary about what's wrong with the Church's policy on Disciplinary Councils when, in my experience, it's been nothing but positive.

The person who started the thread does not give much information. Before answering their question I need my questions answered by them...:D
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I disagree considering she's carrying the ex's child. He had no problem doing what he did so he shouldn't have a problem allowing his now-ex to know the result.

At some point, she will know--all those scriptures about hidden things being shouted from the rooftops, and whatnot.

However, it would not seem to be her prerogative to know it now. And, IMHO, for her to allow herself to be consumed with a desire to see the ex-husband "brought to justice", as it were, would be both emotionally and spiritually unhealthy.

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I don't know why it would matter to her, other than a need to have some kind of satisfaction, like 'he got what he deserved' kind of thoughts...the important thing is keeping that relationship between child and father healthy.

The fact that she is sealed to him...she is still sealed, even if he is ex'd, she will still be able to receive all of the blessings of being sealed, and the child, too. If he does not repent, and chooses not to progress (though that is doubtful considering spirit prison and the millenia and all that, I think very few will choose not to be with God) she will be able to go to the celestial kingdom with her child...his actions do not decide her judgement, but her bitterness can.

I'm with slamjet on this one...they aren't married, so...none of her business.

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Why does the spouse not allowd to know the disciplinary action taken against husband who had an affair? She ended up divorcing him finally but was not able to know what if any action was taken by the church even though she is still sealed to him and caring for their child.

I don't know the current policy for certain, but it seems to me that a spouse would have a right to know, especially in that situation. Since the primary victim of adultery is the spouse, it seems to me that if the cheater is repentant, s/he would confess his wrong to her, make amends, keep her apprised of what's going on, etc., in order to repair their relationship. Church leaders can take whatever actions they deem appropriate, but the most important thing is that the offender work things out with the victim, as far as possible.
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Okay, given we don't have much specifics.. I could see her not being given information if his council occurred after they were legally divorced.

However, if they were still married when the council occurred, I don't see how she wouldn't know. My wife was present during the judgment that took place during my council.

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My wife was present during the judgment that took place during my council.

You're wife was present because you permitted it. If you didn't, she would only know if you told her.

My wife was present at my disciplinary council. She gave her statement, my bishop gave his statement, and they were both excused from the room. I was asked back in by myself for the judgment. She was never told by anyone but me. I remember going out to Denny's afterward to talk about it. She was and is still very compassionate to me about the whole thing. More compassionate than I deserve. But she was able to get past it quicker when she forgave me. It was a process for her, but she finally did and we've reaped the blessings from it.

I'm 1600 miles away from her and my kids. But I fly back to see them about four times a year and she helps pay for the trips. She is such a wonderful person, I dearly miss being with her, but we are now in two different places physically and emotionally. It would never work out if we got back together again. So we've pretty much accepted it and gotten over our relationship. But we still have a friendship that means a lot to the both of us.

But the key to all of that was for me to accept my responsibility and to do something about it, and for her to forgive me. It also entailed us both being open and talking about it. Not the gory details, but the acts in general. The thing is she forgave me before I forgave myself. And I'll always love her for that.

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If the woman is now divorced from the man, she is no longer his spouse and has no right to know the results of the DC. If she is righteous, her portion of the sealing blessings are still intact. If they remained married, then she would need to know in order to assist him in the repentance process, and also to know how the decision would affect them as a couple.

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It's not only the policy of the church to not disclose disciplinary actions, it's also the law of the land.

Why would disclosing something that happens in a disciplinary council be contrary to the "Law of the Land"?

Which land are you talking about?

The Church is in HUNDREDS of countries.

some folks are a tad myopic.

the law in the states is that conversations/confessions to clergy are confidential (even from court situations). being disciplinary counsels are with "clergy" for the confession/repentance purposes they are held confidential.

our laws do not respect marriages. it's not just confession that is kept from the spouse (which i agree with, the spouse should be the one to tell unless it's life endangering - which is exempt from the law anyway). it's now common practice due to law that a person has to give permission for a doctor to talk to your spouse, release medical records, etc. banks can not allow a spouse access to an account without your express permission, by law not bank policy. loans, credit cards, other debts don't require knowledge to the spouse or by default grant the spouse access. the law doesn't assume joint knowledge or access just because you are married. law only requires you to "become one" as far as you want to be.

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If the woman is now divorced from the man, she is no longer his spouse and has no right to know the results of the DC. If she is righteous, her portion of the sealing blessings are still intact. If they remained married, then she would need to know in order to assist him in the repentance process, and also to know how the decision would affect them as a couple.

Just to throw the idea out there, if the woman were pregnant at the time the disciplinary action was taken, it could affect the yet-to-be-born child's status under the sealing covenant. If the man were excommunicated before the birth of the child, that child would not be considered born in the covenant. So there is still potential for there to be effects beyond the man, but they would affect the unborn child and not the spouse already-born children.

That being said, I still agree that it is not appropriate for priesthood leaders to share details of the disciplinary action with the former spouse. If the former spouse really wants to know what the sealing status of her unborn child would be, I could understand a simple "Born in the covenant" or "Not born in the covenant," but she certainly wouldn't be entitled to any more information than that.

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In answer to the questions I think it is easy for all to say she doesn't need to know. But since they were not divorced until long after the sin it would seem at the time she should have known. Also, it appears nothing was done. And I think it just makes her feel that where was the church for her. He does not provide all the financial support mandated in the divorce either. And what about the ordinaces for the child that will be done in the future. Shouldn't she know if he is not to give blessings and perform ordinances? He did participate in ordinances already when he was not supposed to.

This is not meant to bring negative comments toward the church or anything of the sort. Just a question on if this is policy or a case by case basis?

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In answer to the questions I think it is easy for all to say she doesn't need to know. But since they were not divorced until long after the sin it would seem at the time she should have known.

But it would have been his responsibility to tell her, not the Church's.

Also, it appears nothing was done. And I think it just makes her feel that where was the church for her.

Disciplinary action for a member is intended to be a response to help the member receiving the disciplinary action. Under no circumstances is it supposed to be a response for the benefit of the spouse or any other person. There are myriad other ways the Church can reach out to a hurting spouse that do not include disciplining the person who caused the hurt.

He does not provide all the financial support mandated in the divorce either.

This is a matter that can be discussed in the temple recommend interview between him and his priesthood leaders, but that won't help the situation much. Legal redress may be the more appropriate course of action here.

And what about the ordinaces for the child that will be done in the future. Shouldn't she know if he is not to give blessings and perform ordinances?

Actually, the priesthood leaders should know. He shouldn't perform baptisms, confirmations, or ordinations without the authorization of his bishop (AND the bishop of the ward in which the ordinance is performed, if they are not the same). The authorization from the bishop may come int he form of a valid temple recommend or a "Recommend to Perform an Ordinance"

He did participate in ordinances already when he was not supposed to.

Then the local priesthood leaders failed to take proper steps to ensure that things were done correctly.

This is not meant to bring negative comments toward the church or anything of the sort. Just a question on if this is policy or a case by case basis?

It is policy that the Church does not release information about disciplinary councils to anyone but the participant.

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To be honest, I'm glad it's policy. Many have issues and fears that things that are to be said in confidentiality will be spread around.

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