Dating - with children


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I'm hoping for a little insight into my ten year old son's mind... I've been dating someone for about a year now and as our relationship has been progressing, my son gives me more and more grief and guilt. I truly believe my son likes him, but has mixed feelings and doesn't know how to handle them. There are times when he asks me to have my boyfriend (I dislike using that word--I'm too old to have a boyfriend!!) come over and play board games, watch a movie, or just hang out but then if my boyfriend and I hold hands or cuddle, my son hates it.

I've sat down and discussed the situation with my son and wth my boyfriend (I dont like using that word--I'm too old to have a boyfriend!) separately. From his actions, our talks, and his random comments I believe my son's issues are because he somehow feels valued less and that I can't possibly love him and my boyfriend at the same time. I've assured my son of the undying and everlasting love I have for him and he (and his older sister and brother--who don't have a problem with me dating) come first in my life. Also because my son doesnt remember his dad and I being married and having a traditional family life (somewhat anyway) I reminded him of the Proclamation of the Family and explained that our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy and when we grow up he wants us to find someone to share our adult lives with (and eternity). However it doesn't seem to help. I realize he is confused and probably doesnt even know what he is feeling, but he is also being a little selfish and I dont know how to approach it other than what I have done and let it play itself out.

Earlier this morning I read another thread about a lady with children remarried and is having troubles. A lot of the comments said how children come first-and I agree with that. So I guess I am hoping for some input on this. How have you or people you've known done this?

Any opinions, advice, and insight will be greatly appreciated.

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Your son feels that your uhm-boyfriend is taking up his space in your affections. It is natural. My suggestion would be to not hold hands/cuddle infront of your child at this time. You can do that when he is not around. When you get married, this will change the dynamic between your son, you, and your uhm-boyfriend when he transitions from friend to father. Then you can cuddle as much as you want.

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I have yet to deal with a situation like this myself as my son is only two and I have not gone on any dates yet. However, your son's reaction is perfectly natural. It would be wrong to expect him to not react in this way, and so long as everything has been explained and understood it is something you will just need to deal with. He has a bond with you, as every child should have with their mother, and it is going to cause him emotional hurt to see you being affectionate with another man. It will take time for him to realize that this affection does not mean you love him less or will pay less attention to him. No matter how well it is explained, emotions and the brain do not always go hand-in-hand, and emotionally he will feel hurt until his emotions catch up with his brain.

However, it is best to limit this as much as you can by, as anatess said, avoiding being affectionate in front of your son as much as possible. Until you are certain about future marriage, this is best as there is always the possibility you will separate from this man in search of another. If your son gets his emotions settled concerning this man and then you decide to break off the relationship, he will go through the same ordeal all over again with the next man. The more men coming and going, the harder this will get for him. Keeping intimacy out of the picture as much as possible, while in front of your children, will make the transition easier when you decide on marriage.

Of course, since I'm not speaking from experience I cannot say how well-founded this opinion on the matter really is. I'm going off of what I've learned and been told by others and through study. It's how I plan on handling things once I decide to start dating, so I guess I get to cross my fingers and hope for the best. Just try not to think of his behavior as selfishness, because it really isn't selfishness at all. It is a natural reaction out of love. He loves you, and until his emotions have time to realize you do not love him less, he is going to be possessive and protective.

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Guest jengilbrat

My son has been very clingy, latley, and I suspect that anatess is right. I think he thinks that my husband is taking affection that should be his. I mean he tries to hold on to me while cooking, or whatever I am doing. Even at church he runs over to me from his class, during class, just for a hug, then runs back. I try to spend extra time with him, and give him tons of hugs. He knows I love him, but I think that, although he knows better, he still has a fear that my new husband is going to take him away from me.

It's kinda funny, cuz now I think that my husband is a little jelous. :)

Just make sure your son knows how much you love him. I think maybe he is also just a little protective of his mommy?? I know mine is! :)

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It may help if you can approach explaining to him about boy friends and how they can become spouses in ways that you haven't before in case there is a lack of understanding about that for him.

Another thought that comes to my mind is maybe to have a discussion about families and ask if a mom and a dad has a child and then has a baby does this mean they love their first child less? Does it mean they spend less time with the first child? Then add a few more children into the mix in your example, possibly arriving at a family with 12 children and ask your son if he thinks time for mom or dad to spend with each child will be the same or more or less than when they only had 2. Then ask if they think the love for this example families children is less from when they had 2 and when they had 12 children.

It may just be that this will at least help him to see by you cuddling or holding hands with your boy friend doesn't mean you love him less. Since your son likes spending time with him ask if he'd like to spend more time with him. If yes then that may allow you to let him know that you also would like more time with your son and with your boyfriend and some of the time you spend with your boyfriend you would like to spend it holding hands with him. Who knows the conversation could lead to that if you like your boyfriend enough that you'd marry him and then your son would get to spend even more time with him. I realize this last part might be a bit much to tell him but it all depends on what you feel will work to help your son feel better about your holding hands with your boyfriend.

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Your son is also feeling protective of you. Thus far, it's been you and him against the world. Now there is this other person in the mix. Be patient with him and if you really are serious with this boyfriend (no way of getting around that term) then bring your son on some of your dates. Include him. But if this is not getting serious, then don't torture your son by having him make an attachment, only to have it broken because things did not work out. It will only serve to increase the resentment of anyone you bring around the home.

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My advice isn't popular but here it is anyway.

Relationships come and go all the time. 2nd marriages have abysmally low chances of succeeding. The odds are even lower when there are children from prior marriages involved. What is there about you and your boyfriend that convinces you that you will beat these horrible odds?

If you don't have a clear, strong answer, then you're basically setting up your kid to love your boyfriend, and then rip them apart when the relationship ends. Not a very nice thing to do to a boy. He won't allow himself to get hurt like that very often - he might make sure nobody gets that close to him, including his spouse when he's older. You are teaching him what is acceptable behavior here - teach wisely.

(Of course, if you do have a good answer, then happy 2nd marriage. Sometimes people can make them work.)

LM

Edited by Loudmouth_Mormon
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Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate them. It is nice to hear the thoughts of others on this situation.

LoudMouth_Mormon, I completely understand your opinion-and I've part of me has held onto that belief the past 10 years since I've been divorced. To answer honestly-I don't know the answer. When I first started to get to know this man, I took it to our Father in Heaven in prayer and had the impression this was someone I should get to know (which is huge for me- I've never had that happen before). However, having said that, I am still a skeptic and because of that we have taken this relationship extremely slow, resulting in a solid foundation and friendship. So anyway, even though relationships can be uncertain--and the majority fizzle out-- I also need to have the faith and hope that the blessings of marriage is obtainable.

Please believe I am not doing this lightly and desperatly hope my children dont get hurt by any of my actions. I'm going into this with the hope we will all be happier in the long run.

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Guest Alana

I was 10 when my dad, who I was raised by, remarried. I felt very jealous. Before it was just me and him. Now it was me and him and HER... I didn't like sharing. I knew it was a good situation for everyone, but that didn't change that I was a kid and I liked things my way, the way they were before. I appreciate that until right before my dad got married, he made the impact of his dating very minimal on me. Sometimes I wouldn't know he was on a date, but just thought he was working late. When we'd all go and do something, it was usually something fun for me to do, like the aquarium, or my favorite place to eat. It's true about once you're married it will change the dynamics for everyone. I'm also glad I didn't have to see any cuddling. That would have grossed me out and made me feel unincluded.

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I think that having explained it to my kid, they would just have to deal with it and get over it and accept it. But I don't have kids, so my opinion doesn't count for much.

I was 5 when my mom remarried. I don't remember having any problem her dating and showing affection.

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I do have a little experience in this area. I dated a LOT even though I had one child at home, and two that lived with their mother. One of my three children struggled with it enough that eventually they started seeing a counselor to help sort things out. Apparently, I am lucky that only one of my three reacted with the reluctance they did. (it was not the child living with me that had the issues) It is very normal for children to resist such foundational change in their lives. After all, the future is very "unknown".

I'm a bit of the opposite spectrum from LM. I choose to take a much more optimistic approach (perhaps because I was forced to given the circumstances I found myself in). It is better for a child to be raised by a good parent and step-parent than by a single parent. They key is NOT in avoiding a second marriage, but in making sure it is right.

If the decision is right, and a man you are dating will be a good person for your kids to continue growing up with, then you have the right IMO to make that executive decision for the best interest of the child. The child is not capable of seeing past their fears and dealing with the matter in a mature manner. Would you not move to a new city for employment just because your child doesn't want to? There needs to be a balance. And balance includes doing some things that children don't want to do – esp when it is in their best interest.

I think you son is just dealing with uncertanties that he will not be comfortable with until he experiences the situation.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello Everyone...

I am not here to reply or to share my dating experience with my childrens...I am here to know how you guys dated with your childrens..Dating with the children is a very new concept for me...as i am single and yet have to see the faces of my childrens.....So i am sorry to help you out there....

Adam Smith.

Edited by adamsmith709
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My advice isn't popular but here it is anyway.

Relationships come and go all the time. 2nd marriages have abysmally low chances of succeeding. The odds are even lower when there are children from prior marriages involved. What is there about you and your boyfriend that convinces you that you will beat these horrible odds?

If you don't have a clear, strong answer, then you're basically setting up your kid to love your boyfriend, and then rip them apart when the relationship ends. Not a very nice thing to do to a boy. He won't allow himself to get hurt like that very often - he might make sure nobody gets that close to him, including his spouse when he's older. You are teaching him what is acceptable behavior here - teach wisely.

(Of course, if you do have a good answer, then happy 2nd marriage. Sometimes people can make them work.)

LM

WOOO I am in the minority!

When I first started dating my wife, her oldest was 10. He had seen his mom date wrong guys, and saw her abused at the hands of her first husband, so he didnt like me too much at first. To say nothing about me being religious and having strict standards and morals. However I won him over through spending time with him. I found out what he liked to do, and I did it with him. I took time to talk to him about his feelings, and let him know that I was not like the other men that came into his life only to abandon him later.

It took several years, but eventually he started to accept me as a fatherly figure (I got plenty of "You're not my real dad" from him, to which I would reply something along the lines of "You are right, I am not him. i am here and i care about you").

As for my middle son, he actually ran away the night he found out I was going to marry his mom. He also decided (at the ripe old age of 7) that he wold get a job so he could buy the wedding ring his dad gave his mom (She pawned it when she left him, needed the money). What worked with him was showing him that I cared about him all of the time, not just when it was conveinent for me (like his real dad, but thats another LONG story).

Bottom line, have your love interest (You are too old to have a boyfriend after all) spend some quality one on one time with your son. One of the best times I had with my kids was taking them to pick presents for their mom for mothers day (of course it was a new expierence for them, as their real dad never took them to get presents for her). I also took them to the zoo and to museums.

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