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needingadvice

discipline for spousal abuse?

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My husband has been emotionally, spiritually, economically and sometimes physically abusive towards me. The more severe forms of abuse have stopped at this time and I am attempting to give my marriage one more shot (no judgement please, thats the conclusion I cam to when I prayed about leaving). I have taken this to my bishop and he has been working with me and helping me and I have been getting counseling from LDSFS.

My question is this... when my husband goes back to church (he's been inactive for about 3 years now and at present time doesn't want to go back and pretty much brushes his past behavior off and tells me I need to "get over it".. so to me, he clearly isn't fully repentant at the moment)... I know he won't be able to get a temple recommend based on what I have discussed with the bishop. Is the bishop likely to confront him with the abuse at some point? Or if he confesses, will a disciplinary council be held (he is a melchizedek priesthood holder who has been through the temple)? I am just afraid that the church's involvement could make things worse, but it got to the point where the abuse was seriously effecting my faith and I really needed to get myself help.

Thanks for any info, advice, comfort you can give.

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My bishop told me that abuse was one of the two reasons would recoment divorce. I am not your bishop, nor am I recommending it. I am just very concerned. Abuse is painful, and hurtful, and very desstructive to families and marriges. I know, first hand.

Talk to your bishop. He can be very helpful.

I wish you the best with this. You are loved and cared about. HEavenly Father knows what you are going thru, let him help you.

Once you get out of the sistuation, you will see it more clear and be proud of yourself for getting thru it and keeping your faith in tact. Well most of the time. :)

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If the bishop follows what he is supposed to do, he will not make any actual confrontations with anyone. He may ask your husband to schedule an appointment to see him, but he won't force him to talk about anything he does not wish to. The repentance process can only begin for your husband when he is willing to repent.

I know what you are going through. I was in a marriage that had me subjected to severe abuse of every kind. It took quite a lot for me to decide that it was time to leave, and that decision included a lot of prayer. I never would have left if I thought my marriage was salvagable though. I have been away for almost two years and am now a single mother and my ex claims to be practicing wicca. He never repented and has completely shunned the church. I know that leaving was in the best interest of myself and my son, as I never would have been able to heal or maintain my child's safety if I'd remained in that home.

I do, however, recognize that not every situation is like mine. It took some real extremes for me to realize I needed to move on. I believe strongly in striving to save any marriage as long as that is truly possible. Though abuse is something that merits a temple divorce, I don't think divorce is always the answer. It takes great courage to stick through something like this. Just remember that above all, safety should be your number one concern. If you do not feel that you are safe under the same roof as your husband, you need to leave. Maybe not permanantly, but at least get somewhere that you do feel safe and explain to your husband that a sense of safety needs to be regained before you will return.

Always have an "escape plan" in case you feel that your safety is being threatened. Explain to your husband what behavior you will not tolerate and then follow through on that no-tolerance rule. If he sees how serious you are and that his behavior has truly caused you to be fearful of him, he may turn around. Then again, he may not. That is completely up to him. There are cases where abuse turns around and becomes a successful marriage, but they are rare and it takes a lot of work on both ends.

My parents marriage is an example of one that started with abuse and turned around. When I was two, my father lost his temper and hit me in the face. My mother had been raised in an abusive home and had determined she would not tolerate the same in her marriage. She told my father that he had to leave and could not come back without completeing anger management. He did. He lived in the army barracks while he worked on his temper. When he came back, he didn't have it under perfect control, but I have never again seen him raise his hand to hit anyone. I did not even know this had happened until my mother told me about it.

So, I do not judge you for staying with your husband. In fact, I think it is wonderful that you prayed about it and are brave enough to follow the promptings of the spirit. Know that safety is the most important, and a temporary separation while you both get counseling or other help may be necessary and could be extremely beneficial. Set your rules and stand your ground on them. The abuse will only continue if you allow it to.

I will be keeping you in my prayers and I hope your husband will be humbled and seek out the Lord in repentance.

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Just to be clear: I was NOT recommending divorce. Just saying that it can be one reason that my bishop feels it is a justified move to make. :D

Each situation is diferent.

For me, divorce was my only way out. I lived with it far longer than I should have. I am still recovering, emotionally from all of the abuse.

Everyday I fear my husband is going see that I am NOT good enough and he will leave me or just yell and put up with me, or something.

Abuse is abuse weather it is verbal, emotional, or physical. Either way it needs to be delt with.

Pray hard and figure out what seems best for you. I DO reccomend speaking with your bishop, if at all possible. He might have some good insight and advice.

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What if my husband comes back to church and acts like nothing has happened? He tends to either tell me he "doesn't remember" anything happening, or tell me to "get over it" or tell me "the church taught me to be like this". Will he be able to baptise our children? Pass the sacrament? Get a temple recommend? How could the bishop deny him those things without confronting him... thats what I'm worried about.

And yes, I have been talking with the bishop. He has me reading some scriptures with him. And I have gone to a counselor, but he mostly focused on getting me back to where I needed to be with my faith/spirituality, rather than dealing with issues around the abuse. I have thought about asking the bishop to see a counselor again, but hate to use fast offerings so much.

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I know for a fact that my ex blessed out children while not being worthy. I found this out much later, but I know it happened. My (current) husband explained that if someone lies and administers ordinances, the person doing the ordanance while not being worthy gets the consiquences, not the person recieving the ordanance. (Hope that made sense.)

Anyways, the bihop knows what is going on, that is great! Stay in contact with him. If any oppertunaties come up for your husband to administer ordanances, the bishop will make the call.

Now as far as your husband mnaking those other claims, "not remembering" and all of those....are you sure you are not married to my ex? Just kidding. That is all part of the emtional abuse. He wants (weather knowingly or unknowingly) to think you are not worth being treated as the amazing daughter of God that you are. He wants the control. You need to choose how to handle that. Weather in be standing up to him, leaving him, talking to another counsler. (that's what the fast offerings are for and you and your children are worth it.)

Keep the faith!! You are worth as much as anyone on this planet!

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If your husband comes back and fully embraces the gospel... the spirit will slowly work within him and let him know he has to repent of the things he has done. However, not everyone that goes to church is "converted" fully to the gospel.

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I know for a fact that my ex blessed out children while not being worthy. I found this out much later, but I know it happened. My (current) husband explained that if someone lies and administers ordinances, the person doing the ordanance while not being worthy gets the consiquences, not the person recieving the ordanance. (Hope that made sense.)

Anyways, the bihop knows what is going on, that is great! Stay in contact with him. If any oppertunaties come up for your husband to administer ordanances, the bishop will make the call.

Now as far as your husband mnaking those other claims, "not remembering" and all of those....are you sure you are not married to my ex? Just kidding. That is all part of the emtional abuse. He wants (weather knowingly or unknowingly) to think you are not worth being treated as the amazing daughter of God that you are. He wants the control. You need to choose how to handle that. Weather in be standing up to him, leaving him, talking to another counsler. (that's what the fast offerings are for and you and your children are worth it.)

Keep the faith!! You are worth as much as anyone on this planet!

Jenn are you okay?

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What if my husband comes back to church and acts like nothing has happened? He tends to either tell me he "doesn't remember" anything happening, or tell me to "get over it" or tell me "the church taught me to be like this". Will he be able to baptise our children? Pass the sacrament? Get a temple recommend? How could the bishop deny him those things without confronting him... thats what I'm worried about.

And yes, I have been talking with the bishop. He has me reading some scriptures with him. And I have gone to a counselor, but he mostly focused on getting me back to where I needed to be with my faith/spirituality, rather than dealing with issues around the abuse. I have thought about asking the bishop to see a counselor again, but hate to use fast offerings so much.

There are other resources that can get you some cheap or free counseling. When I left my abusive situation, I found a women's shelter that offers free counseling sessions to "families in crisis". I did not have to live at the shelter to be given the free sessions. I just had be going through a crisis situation in my family and be economically unable to pay. If you are feeling bad about using church resources, there should be something like this in your area. If you're not sure how to find it, your local welfare office should have information.

As far as your bishop confronting your husband goes, just tell your bishop that you fear a confrontation might make things worse. Your husbands worthiness is between him and the Lord. If he does not feel he needs to talk to the bishop, he doesn't have to. The bishop will not do anything unless he feels the severity of the situation means your husband needs to be excommunicated. From what you've described, I don't think that will happen. As others have stated, even if he is unworthy to perform the ordinances those ordinances will not be negated. Your husband will simply have to face the Lord for his unworthiness at some point.

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