Eternal Loneliness - Or being single and Mormon

[ZSEdwardson]

If this is in the wrong place, mods please move it...

I am a convert to the church, converted near my 30th birthday, and now have been a member of the church for over a year, and have received my endowments. This isn't meant as a rant, or bitterness, just had to get something off my chest as this issue is the greatest threat to my testimony, and I have just gotten canned answers from the priesthood leaders, and I guess I need to vent a bit.

For the first 25 years, I lived a mostly secular life, but it was empty and I fell more and more into faith. When I was 29 I read the Book of Mormon, and within a few months I joined the church. I am a rather faithful member, hold two callings at the branch, received the priesthood, hold a temple recommend, and so on. My girlfriend (which we had a hot and cold relationship) broke off the relationship with me when I joined the church. I live in "the Mormon hinterlands" of North Carolina, I drive 50 mins to an hour each way to the branch, as it is one county over. I wasn't too worried as it had a college feel to it as it located in a college town, and there was an active young people's group.

Then most people graduated or married and moved. Suddenly I found myself as the only two single adult (Quasi-young single adult) under the age of 40 and over 18. Stake single events are non-existent. LDS has a bad reputation in this area (Lot of showings of "The godmakers" a few years back) and I have had two blind dates with non-members end the date when they found out I was Mormon.

So I focused on improving myself, diet, exercise, and loss 4 inches of waistline, still no luck. Tried to get more then a sentence out of the other single adult in my age range and have failed, though I have been told she is terribly shy and it’s nothing I did. Eharmony said no matches, I was a member of LDSplanet but it was depressing. Heck, I even did the crazy thing of asking out a returned Lady Missionary who lived out in Utah when I was out there to get my endowments (A polite no, but I was thinking that was a long shot).

I have asked my church friends what I am doing wrong, if I stink, look crazy, or so on. They confirm that I do not stink, that I am normal acting and not odd, and that when I joined I was heavy, but I have since slimmed down to a point where weight is not an issue.

I talked to the President about it, and he told me not to worry, that I was an active member with a good job and a good personality, and that I don't need to worry, but he points out that he cannot really understand me fully, as he was married in his younger 20s. When I did my Temple recommend Interview with the Stake President, he reminded me of my priesthood duty to get sealed. So I rather bluntly told him "If you know any single girls, please let me know" and assured him that I was not a careerist with any interest in getting married. He then added "You will be a great catch to the girl that marries you". Just that there are no fish in the sea...

I am just wondering how many other people are in the same boat as I am, latter 20ish early 30ish single converts who are feeling very out of place. Since I lived a secular life, I know at least part of what I am missing out on, and it’s been VERY tough. And here I thought the words of wisdom were going to be the tough row to hoe. In this economy it is hard to move, as some recommended for me to move to Utah, and nothing personal about those who live in Utah, but I could go there if there was a women there waiting for me, but for me to cut all my friends and family connections and be single and Mormon would be very hard existence. (That, and in Utah I would pressed into the Single Adult Wards, which I do not want).

Guess I am just wondering if there are other LDS folks in the same spot, or am I the odd outlier that not going to get much support due to the odd nature of my situation.

[FunkyTown]

If this is in the wrong place, mods please move it...

I am a convert to the church, converted near my 30th birthday, and now have been a member of the church for over a year, and have received my endowments. This isn't meant as a rant, or bitterness, just had to get something off my chest as this issue is the greatest threat to my testimony, and I have just gotten canned answers from the priesthood leaders, and I guess I need to vent a bit.

For the first 25 years, I lived a mostly secular life, but it was empty and I fell more and more into faith. When I was 29 I read the Book of Mormon, and within a few months I joined the church. I am a rather faithful member, hold two callings at the branch, received the priesthood, hold a temple recommend, and so on. My girlfriend (which we had a hot and cold relationship) broke off the relationship with me when I joined the church. I live in "the Mormon hinterlands" of North Carolina, I drive 50 mins to an hour each way to the branch, as it is one county over. I wasn't too worried as it had a college feel to it as it located in a college town, and there was an active young people's group.

Then most people graduated or married and moved. Suddenly I found myself as the only two single adult (Quasi-young single adult) under the age of 40 and over 18. Stake single events are non-existent. LDS has a bad reputation in this area (Lot of showings of "The godmakers" a few years back) and I have had two blind dates with non-members end the date when they found out I was Mormon.

So I focused on improving myself, diet, exercise, and loss 4 inches of waistline, still no luck. Tried to get more then a sentence out of the other single adult in my age range and have failed, though I have been told she is terribly shy and it’s nothing I did. Eharmony said no matches, I was a member of LDSplanet but it was depressing. Heck, I even did the crazy thing of asking out a returned Lady Missionary who lived out in Utah when I was out there to get my endowments (A polite no, but I was thinking that was a long shot).

I have asked my church friends what I am doing wrong, if I stink, look crazy, or so on. They confirm that I do not stink, that I am normal acting and not odd, and that when I joined I was heavy, but I have since slimmed down to a point where weight is not an issue.

I talked to the President about it, and he told me not to worry, that I was an active member with a good job and a good personality, and that I don't need to worry, but he points out that he cannot really understand me fully, as he was married in his younger 20s. When I did my Temple recommend Interview with the Stake President, he reminded me of my priesthood duty to get sealed. So I rather bluntly told him "If you know any single girls, please let me know" and assured him that I was not a careerist with any interest in getting married. He then added "You will be a great catch to the girl that marries you". Just that there are no fish in the sea...

I am just wondering how many other people are in the same boat as I am, latter 20ish early 30ish single converts who are feeling very out of place. Since I lived a secular life, I know at least part of what I am missing out on, and it’s been VERY tough. And here I thought the words of wisdom were going to be the tough row to hoe. In this economy it is hard to move, as some recommended for me to move to Utah, and nothing personal about those who live in Utah, but I could go there if there was a women there waiting for me, but for me to cut all my friends and family connections and be single and Mormon would be very hard existence. (That, and in Utah I would pressed into the Single Adult Wards, which I do not want).

Guess I am just wondering if there are other LDS folks in the same spot, or am I the odd outlier that not going to get much support due to the odd nature of my situation.

You're in a rough spot. There's no doubt that in areas where the church is small, being a guy in your 30s who isn't married means that you'll either be dating women 10 years younger than you, in which case you're the creepy older guy hitting on young YSA women, or you can date women 10 years older than you, in which case you're the creepy guy hunting cougars.

All is not lost, however: Personality goes a long way when you're dating. Getting dates is relatively simple in the church and there's no denying that you can easily find someone in your age bracket to date. Women in their 30s who are unmarried and active outnumber men in their 30s who are unmarried and active by something like 6 to 1. I feel bad for them, actually.

A trip to a Single Adult convention might be in order. You'll have a good time and, assuming you're open and friendly, you'll meet a ton of members of the opposite sex. Know, however, that they may be a bit wary at first. If you take a look around at the usual 'Unmarried in their 30s' guys, there are some similarities which make the other singles wary.

[dahlia]

I feel your pain. I've signed up for 2 LDS dating sites and despite what I ask for, they keep matching me with people in Utah and Idaho. I cannot move and I suspect many of the other folks online can't move either. I've joined a secular site, but shy away from guys who say they drink because I want to get married and most people aren't going to give up drinking. I don't know. Some social drinking doesn't bother me (I'm a convert as well, and lived a very secular life before this), but why start with something that may turn out to be a deal breaker for marriage?

I live in a college town and my ward is full of young married grad students and doctors/dentists doing residencies at the university hospital. I have yet to meet a single man, much less a single man in my age range. I've asked about events for single adults, but no one has gotten back to me on that. I don't think it's a priority for this ward.

I wish I knew what to do. The fact that I was married and eventually can be sealed to my departed husband isn't making me feel any better. It would be nice to have a relationship with someone who is alive. : )

[Backroads]

It's a completely natural state of being. I think that in Mormon culture we believe everyone gets married and live happily ever after, that only those outside of the church fail to get married for x number of reasons. It's just not true.

I know it's hard and meaningless advice, but I recommend to try not worrying about it. You can't base your happiness on whether or not you're with somebody.

[MorningStar]

That must be very hard. Even living in Provo, there was this sense that if you weren't married by the time you were in your mid twenties, you would never get married. As a woman, I felt like if I didn't get married soon, the good guys would get scooped up. Living where members are few would be even more challenging.

I live in Washington State and I know so many beautiful women who are about 30-35 and never been married. We don't have many single men here that age. These women want to be moms so bad, but they feel like they will never have the chance. I even have a friend who is 45 and never been married. She looks way younger than that. She said she hadn't even been on a date in years, telling me she just didn't think men were attracted to her. She's pretty, fun, cheerful, has a good job, is intelligent, etc., so it's baffling why she is still single. Another friend of mine in her 50's thinks she is too set in her ways now to ever get married. She was engaged years ago and the guy dumped her after she got in a car accident.

Have you tried fasting about this? Maybe God wants you to make a change that would lead you to the right woman. Actually, I've known several people who met in the temple and later got married. :) Don't give up hope. You're not that old.

[Obolus]

My advice:

If you can get a job in Utah, So CA or AZ, take a deep breath and make the move. There are thousands of singles in their late 20s/early 30s in these scenes, and you don't have to attend a singles ward to meet them. I have had a lot of success just using ldssingles dot com. I just attend & serve in my local ward here in SLC.

That said, there are plenty of activities to attend and network in. Anyone who is proactive in the main corridors of these states will make plenty of LDS single friends. You will not be pressed into the SA Ward as you stated. Rather, someone might suggest it, but the local wards here are just as happy to utilize willing participants of any marital status.

Where you are living now is social Siberia as far as your demographic is concerned. It behooves you to be proactive in your approach.

[lizzy16]

You're in a rough spot. There's no doubt that in areas where the church is small, being a guy in your 30s who isn't married means that you'll either be dating women 10 years younger than you, in which case you're the creepy older guy hitting on young YSA women, or you can date women 10 years older than you, in which case you're the creepy guy hunting cougars.

=

Funky, I know you said this jokingly but I know a lot of people who have no issues with dating ages differing past 10 years.

My mom was 19 and my dad was 29 when they got married.

[jennvan]

Being one of those 30's never married women, I would encourage you to make sure that whatever you do, its what the Lord would have you do. Don't just move to UT, CA or AZ just because there are more people your age there. I know a number of people who did that and they are still just as unmarried as they were in an area that had very few singles. I don't know how to feel about taking a leading role, but maybe you could be a leader with the singles your age in your area. There is a growing group of people who are doing mid-single activities and even mid-single conferences. Generally mid-singles are age 27-40 who are single. Some areas have different age ranges but its generally to 40-ish. There is a unique need for singles of that age that aren't met in a YSA ward/activities or with single adult (everyone 31+) activities. What happens a lot of times is that singles in that age end up becoming less active because they aren't sure what to do with themselves and sometimes even the ward doesn't know what to do with mid-singles. In my experience, I've been able to connect to tons of people in my area and reconnect them back to the church in a more meaningful way. We have quite a thriving mid-singles scene where there was nothing 3 years ago. We have more people staying in the area because there is a place for them to be which in turn builds up the church in this area. I don't want to tell you what you should do but I just wanted to let you know that there are options and it isn't just about moving to a "Mormon Mecca". I really enjoy not living in an area that is overrun with LDS singles because its isn't about playing the numbers game in dating, its about creating real relationships with people.

If you are interested in more info on how to get mid-singles started in your area or any other questions, Private Message me and I can send you some links to a few facebook pages and websites for info. There is a lot of great stuff out there. :)

[roundandround]

i don't think you're alone in this. i'm in a bit of a similar, yet different, situation. there are no members of the church looking to marry, in my age bracket, where i live either. maybe be willing to increase your distance out a bit, before taking off for the other coast. there was a woman in my ward that got a divorce, and she went right back to utah afterwards. we all figured it was to find a male member of the church to marry. i'm guessing we were at least partially right because she got remarried pretty quickly after the move.

i don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with that. but, make sure you know WHY you're moving before you do it. my friend had left utah and was going back. i'm on the east coast too, and there just are not as many older single members of the church. but, moving your whole life in hopes of meeting someone.... might not be the right answer either. pray about it. expand your current scope..... and give yourself some time :-).

[Guest The_Real_Enigma]

Greetings brother, I read your thread and want you to know that you are not alone. I'm 28 and have never dated, never really tried to date and finally just gave up and decided marriage is not for me. I spend three years in a singles ward but never got to know anyone, in my case it's trust issues I have dating back to my childhood.

I also know what it is like having people make wrong assumptions about the church, I'm in the army and people mock me and my belifs all the time. I have had women tell me I am a sweet guy and offer to play matchmaker but I simply am not motivated to get married. There are some of us who just will not have the opportunity to marry in this life but that does not mean that we won't in the millenium.

I fear there are no simple or clear answers. In my case I have made a choice, I don't want to get married because I see no benifit, only stress, hardship and in many cases heart ache.

Ask yourself if marriage is really something you want to be a part of, only you can make that determination.

[jennvan]

Sorry, Enigma...it sounds like you have had lots of hurt in your life and that things like relationships cause you stress. But that doesn't mean that we don't have the command to marry. Conference this last weekend really reinforced that. If relationships and women stress you out, do something about it. Find a good marriage and family therapist, they are trained in relationships (even for single people) and can help you overcome some of the hurts you have encountered in your life and work on having healthy relationships.

Have you asked God if it is His will for you to remain unmarried in this life? I would probably guess that He would say no. It is part of the plan for all of us to marry, in this life if possible and we should be striving to be open to that as much as we can in this life. One of my favorite marriage authors David Schnarch did an interview on the Today Show and said this, ‎"When you begin to think of marriage as a people growing machine, then you expect it to be tougher and you hold on and you come out the other side." I believe this is why Heavenly Father wants us to be married. We get to grow in ways that we wouldn't otherwise. We might even grow in the process of learning how to be in relationship to get married. :)

[THIRDpersonviewer]

Hey ZSedwardson, I thought it was kindof funny, you said you were from NC. And so am I. I live in the triad area. Anyways, that must be a difficukt situation. I'm sure it can be hard. I served my mission in an area that the ratio of female to males was between 3and 4 to 1. So for many of the faithful women to find faithful men who were not already married was kind of hard. A branch may only have one single male and two females between the 20 and 35 range. However personalities don't match and the male doesn't have time. the next closest branch is three hours away, but this is a poorer country, so traveling is harder. So they have to live faithfully in their area until an opportunity arises to move or court whichever comes first. Anyways hopefully, that illustrates a roughly similar situation to yours(not economically) but as far as finding a faithful woman to marry in the temple in an area that doesn't have that many opportunities.

What seems to be the solution, though I obviously do not have the experience. It seems like patience plays a big role. Don't panic, don't fear, don't worry. (much easier said than done). Now I want you to relax a moment, and think what then needs to happen in your life in general and on an individual level(not including temple marriage), to be truly successful and go to the celestial kingdom.(let is be noted that ordinacnecese and covenants are esential but ordinacnes and covenants enable you to do the following.)

Actually take a moment right now and pause before reading on. I will explain basically what I feel is the answer to that question.

In this life, we are becoming a people that does everything we can to return to live with our Father in Heaven. 2 Nephi 2:23 We are saved by grace after all we can doTo get to the celestial kingdom, we have to do our best. That is it. Christ will make up the rest no matter how short we are. Therefore what things do we do to show our best?

1. We make God and Christ the focus in our lives.

2. We eliminate unnecessary distractions. Things that take up too much of our time, but do not really benefit us spiritually. (TV, computer, sports, certain hobbies) (Furthermore, I don't think many like this position, HOWEVER if any activity of any kind prevents you from reading your scriptures on a certain day, then we should review what we did that held us back and cut something out. You broke a commandment through ommision, because in your judgement you thought the activities you did were of more importance than reading your scriptures. As harsh as that might sound, that is the way it is, and there are days were I fail, but I try again the next day, and hopefully set aside some spirtual prepartaion time. Here is a specific example, If you watched 3 hours of tv, maybe you could watch one hour and study for an hour or more to the point that you feel closer to God.)

3. As you approach life in this manner of getting closer to God, then He becomes more of your heart. Therefore, you are more inclined in your mind to do the things you are supposed to. (Mosiah 4:1)

4. Be faithful in your callings and assignments. Learn your duty and not only do them, but seek to better them, and magnify your calling.

Ultimately these things bring you to the type of person you should be at the end of this life. and now as well. President Monson's counsel was this. Be this type of person. It is a sacrifice, but any time there is sacrifice, there will be blessings of equal or greater magnitude.(generally they are greater)

Naturaly out of the outgrowth of the person you have become. You will see, and recognize people of similar natures. SInce you will have already been filled with an inner confidence and definite knowledge that you are doing what you are supposed to(because you have been doing what is right), you'll be less apprehensive in doing what is right(which in this case would be finding someone to marry.) The miracles will happen and you will find someone to marry. Not only will you find someone, you will find someone exceptional.

Now hopefully that helps. Like I said I haven't had the experience. But that seems to be the principles revolving around the situation. I can think of one example in my mind that seems to have followed this pattern, and met his wife in an unlikely place. They both met faithfully fulfilling their callings. Doing what they were supposed to. I believe they were both about 28 when they were married. He eventually passed away in his 80s. His wife is still living and 100 years old. If you visit her, she is forgetful of a number of things. She can hardly remember my name, I have to tell her my name like three times, when I visit. However she doesn't forget the Lord. We were getting ready to leave and she said to us "Oh, please let us pray to the Lord before you go." It was her voice that struck me. More than anything it was a pleading to us, as if her life depended on the Lord and she could not do without communicating to Him. Her husband was the same way before he passed away. God was first in their lives.

Well, I pray this helps, I hope I didn't hurt or offend anyone.

Edited April 8, 2011 by THIRDpersonviewer

[rufuswhitman]

I know it's hard and meaningless advice, but I recommend to try not worrying about it. You can't base your happiness on whether or not you're with somebody.

I appreciate the point you are making here. I also want to point that marriage is often described as exactly that... the only way to be happy, and that if we are not married then we will never be happy, etc. The Provo Girls youtube video about how desperate Provo girls are to marry is a stereotype but is based on some truth. The reason for that feeling has to do with how marriage is described.

To the OP,

I wish I had any encouragement for you. You face a lifetime of people privately wondering what's the matter with you. I wish it were not so. Many will try to get to know you just well enough to decide what that flaw is, whether or not they are accurate. It is one of the least welcoming and least Christ-like behaviors I can think of, and yet it is everywhere. By recognizing you will face this, you can take steps to not letting their behavior affect you.

RW

[atheria]

You are a single - but you aren't in a SINGLE place - and yes, I'd suggest you move BUT with a very specific goal in mind - the places you have been, looked, seen, are not indicative of a "huge" LDS presence so I will posit a suggestion :)

Look to areas LIKE Seattle, Washington. The area has dances EVERY week, two singles conferences every year, one of which is held at Ensign Ranch in the mountains east of Seattle/Bellevue.

I don't live in that area any longer but I wish I did! Spokane where I live now has a few dances, none well attended and NONE that are "mid-singles" which my young friend is where you belong.

Don't get discouraged by being single at 30 please! There are many men out here who are older than you are and they are living GREAT single lives but they are massively active in the singles program as well as in their communities.

Institute in any LARGER city keeps you busy on one night a week, but there are PEOPLE to meet at Institute, which I have been trying to get MY 26 year old son to understand but he can't go easily because of anxiety - you don't seem to have anxiety, but you DO have loneliness and you need others like yourself where you can immerse your love of others and then find a mate IF Heavenly Father has that in store for you - or any of us who are single and I am.

You are newer in the church, don't give up because you live in a branch where married people probably can't understand your life or your deep and abiding loneliness but singles CAN and DO.

Keep coming in here and to anything else you can find on the net and stay connected to singles as much as possible.

God Bless you!

Kelly

If this is in the wrong place, mods please move it...

I am a convert to the church, converted near my 30th birthday, and now have been a member of the church for over a year, and have received my endowments. This isn't meant as a rant, or bitterness, just had to get something off my chest as this issue is the greatest threat to my testimony, and I have just gotten canned answers from the priesthood leaders, and I guess I need to vent a bit.

For the first 25 years, I lived a mostly secular life, but it was empty and I fell more and more into faith. When I was 29 I read the Book of Mormon, and within a few months I joined the church. I am a rather faithful member, hold two callings at the branch, received the priesthood, hold a temple recommend, and so on. My girlfriend (which we had a hot and cold relationship) broke off the relationship with me when I joined the church. I live in "the Mormon hinterlands" of North Carolina, I drive 50 mins to an hour each way to the branch, as it is one county over. I wasn't too worried as it had a college feel to it as it located in a college town, and there was an active young people's group.

Then most people graduated or married and moved. Suddenly I found myself as the only two single adult (Quasi-young single adult) under the age of 40 and over 18. Stake single events are non-existent. LDS has a bad reputation in this area (Lot of showings of "The godmakers" a few years back) and I have had two blind dates with non-members end the date when they found out I was Mormon.

So I focused on improving myself, diet, exercise, and loss 4 inches of waistline, still no luck. Tried to get more then a sentence out of the other single adult in my age range and have failed, though I have been told she is terribly shy and it’s nothing I did. Eharmony said no matches, I was a member of LDSplanet but it was depressing. Heck, I even did the crazy thing of asking out a returned Lady Missionary who lived out in Utah when I was out there to get my endowments (A polite no, but I was thinking that was a long shot).

I have asked my church friends what I am doing wrong, if I stink, look crazy, or so on. They confirm that I do not stink, that I am normal acting and not odd, and that when I joined I was heavy, but I have since slimmed down to a point where weight is not an issue.

I talked to the President about it, and he told me not to worry, that I was an active member with a good job and a good personality, and that I don't need to worry, but he points out that he cannot really understand me fully, as he was married in his younger 20s. When I did my Temple recommend Interview with the Stake President, he reminded me of my priesthood duty to get sealed. So I rather bluntly told him "If you know any single girls, please let me know" and assured him that I was not a careerist with any interest in getting married. He then added "You will be a great catch to the girl that marries you". Just that there are no fish in the sea...

I am just wondering how many other people are in the same boat as I am, latter 20ish early 30ish single converts who are feeling very out of place. Since I lived a secular life, I know at least part of what I am missing out on, and it’s been VERY tough. And here I thought the words of wisdom were going to be the tough row to hoe. In this economy it is hard to move, as some recommended for me to move to Utah, and nothing personal about those who live in Utah, but I could go there if there was a women there waiting for me, but for me to cut all my friends and family connections and be single and Mormon would be very hard existence. (That, and in Utah I would pressed into the Single Adult Wards, which I do not want).

Guess I am just wondering if there are other LDS folks in the same spot, or am I the odd outlier that not going to get much support due to the odd nature of my situation.

[atheria]

You live in WA?

With THE MOST dances of ANY area that I've been able to find you aren't finding enough???

Try Spokane or other areas like Walla Walla or Eugene where there are NO dances and NO activities.

Singles in Seattle are BLESSED to have SO MUCH and they don't even know it.

Get involved in mid-singles if you haven't already - join the facebook page and get your friends to join - there is strength and organization in NUMBERS people :)

Take care,

More lonely in Spokane

Kelly

That must be very hard. Even living in Provo, there was this sense that if you weren't married by the time you were in your mid twenties, you would never get married. As a woman, I felt like if I didn't get married soon, the good guys would get scooped up. Living where members are few would be even more challenging.

I live in Washington State and I know so many beautiful women who are about 30-35 and never been married. We don't have many single men here that age. These women want to be moms so bad, but they feel like they will never have the chance. I even have a friend who is 45 and never been married. She looks way younger than that. She said she hadn't even been on a date in years, telling me she just didn't think men were attracted to her. She's pretty, fun, cheerful, has a good job, is intelligent, etc., so it's baffling why she is still single. Another friend of mine in her 50's thinks she is too set in her ways now to ever get married. She was engaged years ago and the guy dumped her after she got in a car accident.

Have you tried fasting about this? Maybe God wants you to make a change that would lead you to the right woman. Actually, I've known several people who met in the temple and later got married. :) Don't give up hope. You're not that old.

[Dove]

If this is in the wrong place, mods please move it...

I am a convert to the church, converted near my 30th birthday, and now have been a member of the church for over a year, and have received my endowments. This isn't meant as a rant, or bitterness, just had to get something off my chest as this issue is the greatest threat to my testimony, and I have just gotten canned answers from the priesthood leaders, and I guess I need to vent a bit.

For the first 25 years, I lived a mostly secular life, but it was empty and I fell more and more into faith. When I was 29 I read the Book of Mormon, and within a few months I joined the church. I am a rather faithful member, hold two callings at the branch, received the priesthood, hold a temple recommend, and so on. My girlfriend (which we had a hot and cold relationship) broke off the relationship with me when I joined the church. I live in "the Mormon hinterlands" of North Carolina, I drive 50 mins to an hour each way to the branch, as it is one county over. I wasn't too worried as it had a college feel to it as it located in a college town, and there was an active young people's group.

Then most people graduated or married and moved. Suddenly I found myself as the only two single adult (Quasi-young single adult) under the age of 40 and over 18. Stake single events are non-existent. LDS has a bad reputation in this area (Lot of showings of "The godmakers" a few years back) and I have had two blind dates with non-members end the date when they found out I was Mormon.

So I focused on improving myself, diet, exercise, and loss 4 inches of waistline, still no luck. Tried to get more then a sentence out of the other single adult in my age range and have failed, though I have been told she is terribly shy and it’s nothing I did. Eharmony said no matches, I was a member of LDSplanet but it was depressing. Heck, I even did the crazy thing of asking out a returned Lady Missionary who lived out in Utah when I was out there to get my endowments (A polite no, but I was thinking that was a long shot).

I have asked my church friends what I am doing wrong, if I stink, look crazy, or so on. They confirm that I do not stink, that I am normal acting and not odd, and that when I joined I was heavy, but I have since slimmed down to a point where weight is not an issue.

I talked to the President about it, and he told me not to worry, that I was an active member with a good job and a good personality, and that I don't need to worry, but he points out that he cannot really understand me fully, as he was married in his younger 20s. When I did my Temple recommend Interview with the Stake President, he reminded me of my priesthood duty to get sealed. So I rather bluntly told him "If you know any single girls, please let me know" and assured him that I was not a careerist with any interest in getting married. He then added "You will be a great catch to the girl that marries you". Just that there are no fish in the sea...

I am just wondering how many other people are in the same boat as I am, latter 20ish early 30ish single converts who are feeling very out of place. Since I lived a secular life, I know at least part of what I am missing out on, and it’s been VERY tough. And here I thought the words of wisdom were going to be the tough row to hoe. In this economy it is hard to move, as some recommended for me to move to Utah, and nothing personal about those who live in Utah, but I could go there if there was a women there waiting for me, but for me to cut all my friends and family connections and be single and Mormon would be very hard existence. (That, and in Utah I would pressed into the Single Adult Wards, which I do not want).

Guess I am just wondering if there are other LDS folks in the same spot, or am I the odd outlier that not going to get much support due to the odd nature of my situation.

Hello,

How are you doing with all the replies already posted? I hope they are helping in their advice.

To let you know, I (a woman) grew up LDS and in Utah all my life. I was only once asked to date consistently by a good LDS man. He helped me get ready to serve a mission....took me out of inactivity and got me interested in the gospel more. I wish now I had stayed in touch with him and hopefully he would have been interested in me when I got back home. I didn't realize what was ahead of me dating wise at the time.

For the most part, other LDS men never really showed an interest in me. I remember going to LDS dances and not being asked to dance. If I did dance, it would be because I asked. Not a positive feeling given that guys usually asked the girls at that time.

I didn't marry until my late 30's, and then to a wonderfully loving man of another faith. I gave up my temple marriage. To this day I believe I will probably not be able to be exalted as a result of marrying outside the temple. While I'm so happy and grateful to be married to my spouse, I do sorrow for giving up my exaltation.

I wonder what would have happened had I held out and not married at all. I don't know and it's too late to dwell on it.

I do have a couple of suggestions for you to ponder though. First of all, as I've already posted on another thread, my dear sister-in-law told me more than once not to base my happiness on my marital status. She would tell me that if I wasn't happy being single, being married wouldn't change that. I believe her. My happiness is my responsibility and accountability, married or not.

Wow, a thought just came through my mind as I've been writing this. If you are doing all you can to be worthy and ready/looking/waiting for a temple marriage, you will have a fair and just opportunity to have a temple marriage at some point in time, even if it is not in this lifetime.

Please take comfort in this.....The Lord may be trying your faith and patience through this right now. Don't feel bad or blame yourself if you are doing what you can to be an eligible candidate for marriage. Give yourself credit for that. Then, seek to be happy in your current situation. You may not be able to move to Utah, or the other places already listed here, to find a suitable match. If this is not an answer for you, rest assured that the Lord can bring the correct potential spouse to you in His own due time. Don't force His hand in this; but, let it take place in His timetable. Anything else may put you in a circumstance that will cause you more sorrow than what you are going through now.

Also, remember that you are a glorious son of God with much to offer. Find your worth and value through the Spirit. Don't take it to heart/feel bad about yourself if you are not married. That's satan kicking at you. You are not obligated to pay heed. God loves you perfectly and is very aware of your struggling right now. Go to Him for comfort and guidance in this trial, and He will bless it to turn for your good.

Dove

[guast]

I didn't marry until my late 30's, and then to a wonderfully loving man of another faith. I gave up my temple marriage. To this day I believe I will probably not be able to be exalted as a result of marrying outside the temple. While I'm so happy and grateful to be married to my spouse, I do sorrow for giving up my exaltation.

I wonder what would have happened had I held out and not married at all. I don't know and it's too late to dwell on it.

I know this probably doesn't mean much from a complete stranger over the internet (so take it for what it's worth :)) but for what little I know about the gospel I am certain both from what I believe about God and from a deeply personal experience in my life that a person's exaltation does not turn on one singular choice of marrying outside the church. If it did then I'm in really bad shape because I've made much worse decisions than that. I am convinced that exaltation has so much more to do with how we live our lives and our faithfulness to the gospel and that is for most people a process that takes all of this lifetime.

I struggle with hope myself, measuring the wrongs I have done against what I'm certain I've given up as a result of poor choices and the weaknesses within me. But everything I see in the gospel is that there is a God with perfect foresight into every mistake a person can make and who, with this perfect foresight, has made it possible for anyone to get back home (ie, exaltation), regardless of what poor choices that person has made (with the exception of a couple unforgivable offenses that are irrelevant here).

[atheria]

No one is going to lose their exaltation by marrying outside the faith! WOW! That's a doctrinal boo-boo that would hurt constantly if it were true, but rest assured it is NOT.

Please pick up a book called "Believing Christ: The Parable of the Bicycle and Other Good News"

I urge all to read this very important book - it doesn't matter whether you are new in the church, were born under the Covenant or have been a convert for many years, this one book started me on the way to change the way I view me and my relationship and responsbility and the grace part that many do not really get...

Faith and being told by leaders to find a mate "now, now, now!" isn't enough, there's so much more and finding a mate if we fail to find one CERTAINLY isn't ended here, we still have the Millenium to go through, so do NOT panic because you are taking Eternity out of context.

I've given up finding a guy, this time he will have to find me but I still have to put myself in a place and situation where I might MEET someone :)

[beefche]

No one is going to lose their exaltation by marrying outside the faith! WOW! That's a doctrinal boo-boo that would hurt constantly if it were true, but rest assured it is NOT.

It is not a "doctrinal boo-boo." It is doctrine. The only way a man or a woman can be exalted is by being sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise.

A man or woman only needs to be baptized by the proper authority to reach the Celestial Kingdom. Within that Kingdom are 3 degrees. The highest degree, or level, is what we call "exaltation."

[atheria]

You didn't understand what I said.

I SAID, you WILL NOT lose you EXALTATION by marrying OUTSIDE in THIS LIFE because we STILL have the millenium to go through and MANY marriages will be performed that weren't possible before. AND having the REST of the spirits come down during that same time. ALSO we won't "die" during the millenium we will TWINKLE, so how am I getting "doctrine" wrong????

Scolding me in public is interesting for an LDS website.

Edited March 26, 2012 by atheria

[CTR4life]

I got married six months ago, I am 32

Let me tell you something, I got a job opportunity and moved to another country for about 1.5 years and find my "half". I never felt the necessity to get married i just enjoyed life all the time. I loved my freedom but also i trusted what Heavenly Father's plan had for me wheather i could find someone or not.

Trust the Lord and He will lead you to the right person in the right TIME, live your life at full, enjoy yourself, enjoy your family, if you get frustrated for this sittuation it may cost you more than you can imagine, TRUST HIM.

[guast]

I got married six months ago, I am 32

Let me tell you something, I got a job opportunity and moved to another country for about 1.5 years and find my "half". I never felt the necessity to get married i just enjoyed life all the time. I loved my freedom but also i trusted what Heavenly Father's plan had for me wheather i could find someone or not.

Trust the Lord and He will lead you to the right person in the right TIME, live your life at full, enjoy yourself, enjoy your family, if you get frustrated for this sittuation it may cost you more than you can imagine, TRUST HIM.

Great advice and I do completely agree that getting frustrated with the situation may end up costing the person more than imaginable. I read an article a couple years ago by an LDS woman who was single and frustrated by being older (30's) and single so she gave up on the church and went off to "hook up" with non-members in an attempt to assuage the loneliness of being single. I always thought that was such as sad and potentially eternal decision, despite completely understanding that situation myself and knowing how deeply that loneliness runs (having been single into my 30's myself and having plenty of opportunities to hook up with non-members). The whole giving up thing reminds me of the stories I read of the people in the holocaust camps who would kill themselves, some by throwing themselves against the electric fences, because they could bear the suffering no more, only for the camp to be liberated a few days later.

Maybe a single person will be single until the day he or she dies. Maybe not. Who knows. But getting frustrated can lead a person away from the gospel and then you end up with the only guarantee you can have: the very chance of finding the person you want to be with is gone.

[beefche]

You didn't understand what I said.

I SAID, you WILL NOT lose you EXALTATION by marrying OUTSIDE in THIS LIFE because we STILL have the millenium to go through and MANY marriages will be performed that weren't possible before. AND having the REST of the spirits come down during that same time. ALSO we won't "die" during the millenium we will TWINKLE, so how am I getting "doctrine" wrong????

Scolding me in public is interesting for an LDS website.

Read your original post. You did not say marrying outside this life. You said marrying outside the faith.

And correcting incorrect doctrine is not scolding. It's called correction. By the way, in case you don't know, capitalizing words in an online forum is considered "yelling" and generally not acceptable.

[garryw]

If you want to get married move. At the age of 35 I went to the mid-singles temple night in Denver. There were 5 men and 40 women. If anyone is up the creek without a paddle it's the women not the men.

You don't have to move to Utah , just somewhere closer to it.

I also suggest being single is a blast so don't rush it unless you really want to.

Edited March 26, 2012 by garryw

[annewandering]

Keep coming here. We have at least one success in the marriage game. :) Another option is to get involved in missionary work. If there arent any LDS singles go out and make some. ^^