Single father --- Living in Nanny / Housekeeper


Guest rockmanlinux
 Share

Recommended Posts

Guest rockmanlinux

I have a big question.

I am a single father of three kids. My ex-wife lives in utah while I'm in NC. I have no family that lives by me whatsoever.

I am always behind on laundry, and house work. I am typically behind in kids activities and more importantly not actively helping with scouts and personal progress with kids due to time. There just isn't enough time in the day to accomplish it all.

My ex-wife has mental issues and create a HUGE problem financially so I don't have a lot of money to pay for a nanny, or housekeeper (at least not much if so).

My one option is a live in nanny/housekeeper that could help out. I just don't know what the churches stance on this subject as I don't want to love my temple recommend. I have friends saying I could as a bishop would not condone the action as its due to "possible" harm. I can see the point, hence the post.

Any help is appreciated. Not sure I want to discuss this with the bishop as no one understands what its like to be a single father of 3 kids unless you are one. Thoughts?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

one thing to consider not all live in help is female (not common but it's true).

i think you should talk to the bishop about it. if he's using real inspiration he won't see an issue with it (i know a man whose bishop didn't punish him for renting a spare room in his home to a much older woman) or he will see how much you really need help and get the rs organized to help out. if you were married and your wife had a debilitating illness the rs would likely be there to help out, i don't see why this is all that different.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well im not extremely sure but wouldnt a live in nanny/housekeeper be quite a lot of money? I honestly dont know how the church would view that but in my opinion if it helped you with feeling more productive and less stress- and made more family time for you and your kids, i wouldnt see a problem with it.

And even though bishops dont always understand the way you are feeling, they are Gods seers, so he would be able to give you direction that in turn is coming from God, not himself.

Good luck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a big question.

I am a single father of three kids. My ex-wife lives in utah while I'm in NC. I have no family that lives by me whatsoever.

I am always behind on laundry, and house work. I am typically behind in kids activities and more importantly not actively helping with scouts and personal progress with kids due to time. There just isn't enough time in the day to accomplish it all.

My ex-wife has mental issues and create a HUGE problem financially so I don't have a lot of money to pay for a nanny, or housekeeper (at least not much if so).

My one option is a live in nanny/housekeeper that could help out. I just don't know what the churches stance on this subject as I don't want to love my temple recommend. I have friends saying I could as a bishop would not condone the action as its due to "possible" harm. I can see the point, hence the post.

Any help is appreciated. Not sure I want to discuss this with the bishop as no one understands what its like to be a single father of 3 kids unless you are one. Thoughts?

Single mothers do it all the time... yet, there they are, still chugging along. You can do it too. Hiring a nanny in limited finances may not be the greatest idea. It is better to use the money to hire a cleaning lady once every 2 weeks and then sit down and reorganize your life to make the best out of a difficult situation. You need to be very organized. Daily laundry is better than once-a-week laundry. You tell the kids clothes needs to be organized by color and they have to drag it to the laundry every morning. You drop a load when you wake up, you move them to the dryer before you leave the house. You turn the dyer on to fluff the clothes at night and sit down to fold them while you're catching up on your March Madness brackets on TV. Something like that. Or you can do it like I do when I get over-run with laundry (my most hated thing) - I take the family on a family trip to the laundromat. Load all the clothes in 5 machines, load them all in 10 dryers, get the family to help fold them, you're done in 2 hours. It's great for family home evening, even.

As far as hiring a live-in nanny, this is completely up to your bishop. My gut reaction is a no way, Jose. But, I know of a gillion husbands (not even exes) who hanky pankied with the nanny...

Edited by anatess
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I actually have a little experience in this. I was a male nanny for a family with 5 kids, and after the parents divorced i stayed very close with the wife and kids. She had to support herself and all 5 kids with out child support and that meant working lots of hours away from her kids. When i had time off from my work or on weekends i would go and stay at her home and take care of the kids and catch up on house work. Her friends and family had a huge issue with it. Avoid the appearance of evil ect ect. No one offered free child care or offered to help with her house upkeep but they were very vocal about me not being allowed to stay in her home. She went to her Bishop and explained every thing and he laughed. He saw the concerns but also saw the benefits. Free child care and housekeeping from someone who loved her kids, whom she trusted and who the kids respected. He asked very directly if there was any possible conflicts of interest that might make the situation wrong and she said no and that was good enough. This arrangement went on for about 2 years before peoples gossip and such spread a lil more and a new Bishop was called. He'd run into us on family outings and always kinda had that look of contempt and disbelief on his face. With in a few weeks of his being called he ordered her to cease allowing me to stay in the home for her and the children's best interest. It boils down to the Bishop really, though also having a ward that doesn't over gossip and want to assume the worst helps to. I wish you luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Gwen that if your bishop is using true inspiration he will understand the issues you're facing.

Another advantage to talking with the bishop about the problems you have is that there just may be resources within the ward that can fill in the blanks where you need to most help. We never know what help is available until we ask. In your situation the best person to ask is the Bishop.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest rockmanlinux

This is for swapping room and board for a room and some help throughout the week. Minimal costs involved. Just aimed at freeing up 5-10 hrs a week.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest rockmanlinux

He already knows my situation pretty well. Just also not sure having members come in and help clean my house. Mormon network gets around that bathrooms are a mess etc... sorta bugs me there I guess. Maybe I need to get over that...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is for swapping room and board for a room and some help throughout the week. Minimal costs involved. Just aimed at freeing up 5-10 hrs a week.

Having a roommate whose personality may or may not mesh with yours, and using all your household resources and utilities seems like an awfully big sacrifice for only 5-10 extra hours a week.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is for swapping room and board for a room and some help throughout the week. Minimal costs involved. Just aimed at freeing up 5-10 hrs a week.

A male room-mate will work too... It's easier to tell people you are not gay. ;)

But, in all seriousness, I think anybody here can't really give you advice on this besides alternate ideas on how to maybe minimize the need for a nanny. The Bishop is your next stop.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest rockmanlinux

Well, probably more than 5-10 hrs actually. But 10 hrs I can do wonders. I'd require the "mess" with my lifestyle. My kids are 13 (girl), 12, 8 (boys). They help out a lot but working on scout projects, to kids being behind in school. Let alone my daughter has Celiac disease. My two sons have JRA. So I have to cook special foods etc. Long laundry list where my time goes...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

my sister lived with us for 3 months. she got rent free, no food or utilities expense and i had help around the house. it was great. i wouldn't want to do it forever but when you get over your head a few months can make a huge difference.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest rockmanlinux

I meant "mesh" with my lifestyle. Not mess. I'd make sure our schedules were cohesive. SoulSearcher thanks for your personal experience. That does help. Probably need to have a chat with the bishop then as I don't want to allow it then have it back fire and go the other direction.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, probably more than 5-10 hrs actually. But 10 hrs I can do wonders. I'd require the "mess" with my lifestyle. My kids are 13 (girl), 12, 8 (boys). They help out a lot but working on scout projects, to kids being behind in school. Let alone my daughter has Celiac disease. My two sons have JRA. So I have to cook special foods etc. Long laundry list where my time goes...

forgive my not knowing anything about the issues. what is involved with celiac and what is jra?

being there are special needs is there a govt program that will send in daytime help? i've heard of ppl getting such assistance but i don't know the specific programs that were used.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest rockmanlinux

Celiac is where she cannot eat gluten. Gluten is in tons of foods and requires a completely different diet. JRA = Juvenile Rhematoid Arthritis where there are a lot of doctor appts and at one point son was almost disabled. No government help due to income level. Just cash strapped due to ex-wife.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

what state do you live in? have you looked into their "children's rehabilitation" program? every state has one and what makes it different is it's not based on income. it's for any children with life long illness. we make to much for every govt program out there but we see my son's neurologist through them. they even took into account the child support we pay out on our income amt (no other program does that).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Rockman... your kids are old enough so that you really don't need a nanny. You need to learn how to be a drill sergeant.

Really.

My nephew started doing laundry when he was 12. It started when he went to Europe for 3 weeks by himself (with a sports team) and had to take care of his stuff. They can be trusted at that age to do laundry.

Celiac issues - meal planning. Yep. Have 5 meals or so that you and the kids master that are celiac friendly. I have a 7-year-old and he can cook. I don't let him cook by himself yet, but some Saturdays, he wakes up very early and I don't want to get out of bed, so he makes his own breakfast... usually it's just cereal but sometimes he makes waffles too. My 9-year-old can cook too. He cooks for us on some family home evenings. So, I'm fairly certain your older children can take a turn at cooking. So, pick out 5 meals that you all master. Then you can stock your fridge with the ingredients for all 5 meals and y'all can take turns partnering for cooking. The biggest problem with cooking is just figuring out what to cook... so if you already got than planned well in advance, it won't be hard.

Kids with JRA should still be able to do some household chores. Maybe not heavy ones like pushing a lawnmower... but, they can load a laundry machine.

Really, the trick is being very organized. This goes with scouting, sports, homework, extra-curricular stuff. The kids benefit from a tight schedule - when they know what happens next - they know Monday at 4:00 they need to be finished with homework, 6:00 they need to be ready with dinner, 8:00 they need to be showered and changed, 9:00 they need to be in bed... that kind of stuff. And you can benefit from it too. And a lot of times, y'all need to make sacrifices. Too many activities in conflict usually means, some of them will have to go.

Okay, I know this sounds really crazy to say - but I really just want to say this - nobody bats an eyelash when a single mother of 3 children has to do all that stuff.

Edited by anatess
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't tell her that it goes to her head

actually i was quoting my brother.... don't tell him, he's worse than me lol

here is the link to the alabama one Alabama Department of Rehabilitation Services i can't find a page to find the different states but i know they have them. might be able to call this and ask how to find your local one. like anything they come with some headaches but they have always been nice to me and it helps a ton with finances. if nothing else they can get the cost of the dr's off your plate.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you live near a college? Maybe you could find a male college student that needs room and board in exchange for them doing laundry and cleaning. It would be a great deal for the right person.

I think this is great advice... except for the 13-year-old daughter...

But, I don't know which is better - the male college student that may not be a good for the daughter, or the female college student that may not be good for the father... or the growing boys even.

Not really sure on this... it's quite a conundrum!

Okay, another option is a grandma figure. Someone in her 60's. Or even a younger couple. If it's just room and they can take care of their own food, that shouldn't be a big drain on the resources.

Edited by anatess
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I suggest you rent a room to another man. You can either agree to reduce the price of rent by his doing chores for X number hours/week (at $10-15 per hour), or use the rent money to hire someone to come in a few hours a week to do the cleaning.

Either way, major problems are solved. Just make sure that you do a background check on the renter, so you are protecting your children and your valuables. Also, set ground rules, etc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share