2 couples living together. One with kids.

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So let me explain the situation, that has not yet happened.

My husband and I just got married 3 weeks ago today. He'sin college, and I'm not. I just got a job, which is good, because I've been really depressed, because he's always doing school work even on the weekends. School is a 45 min. drive, and gas prices are high. The reason we don't live near the school, is because he doesn't have a job, and I just recently got a minimum wage job. So we're living in a studio apartment attached to his parent's house. Not how I planned starting out our lives together, but if we were actually IN with them, it would be a lot worse. So at least we have our privacy a little.

It's been really hard for me adjusting to this new life style. And I feel like the only depressed newlywed. All my other friends who are married, tell me how much they love married life. They're both in school though. I'm not, which makes me feel useless and inferior at times.

So my husband gets a call from his sister, who has a 1 yr. old, and expecting this summer. Her husband is in college, and she stays at home, so they are in a tighter spot than we are. He's applying to the university my husband is in, and she was wanting to save some money and all of us get a 3 bedroom apartment together.

I panicked at the idea. I started imagining all these scenarios. I mean, they're going to have a newborn AND a 1 yr. old. I want kids, but I'm not ready to have them as immediately as she did. I have never liked being pressured into anything. People at church keep asking us when we're going to have some little ones. I'm about to loose it. I don't want to have a baby because I feel like I have to. I want to have when, when "I" want to. I'm a little rebellious in the fact that when someone tells me to do something like getting married, or having a baby, I refuse to! Just in spite of them. I need time to adjust to living with a guy first. It's too much for me to handle having a baby right away, and they are expensive, and we have hardly any money, and then I'll be stuck with his in-laws. His Mom kinda annoys me sometimes, which I haven't told him.

Anyway, it's just a possibility, but I'm stressing and freaking out over it. My husband is totally ok with it. Of course he is. It's his sister, and his best friend. I don't feel as close. Plus, I don't think I'll ever wants kids of my own, with someone else's constantly around me. Can someone please give me some advice. Am I overreacting? Is there anyway this will work, where I'll still want to have children of my own afterwards? I'm really scared, because I'm the only person who's against it.

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Anyway, it's just a possibility, but I'm stressing and freaking out over it. My husband is totally ok with it. Of course he is. It's his sister, and his best friend. I don't feel as close. Plus, I don't think I'll ever wants kids of my own, with someone else's constantly around me. Can someone please give me some advice. Am I overreacting? Is there anyway this will work, where I'll still want to have children of my own afterwards? I'm really scared, because I'm the only person who's against it.

Couple of things;

It would seem normal to be scared. You need to realize that different people are scared of different aspects of life, so if the thought of little ones raises your pulse, it is ok.

You need to discuss your anxiety with your husband. Try to let him know that you are worried about the prospect of living with little ones, and that you worry (however odd it may seem) that afterwards you will no longer want kids.

Then you need to pray. Pray for comfort, pray for guidance. It will come, and you will NOT be led down the wrong path. HEavenly Father loves you and He knows what is best for you.

Lastly, who knows, maybe living with little ones will make you a better parent to your own children?

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I wish I could give you advice one way or the other. But it seems like a disaster in the making, agreeing for something that all have agreed on without the benefit of really and deeply talking about. It's the nuances that will kill any relationships when living under one roof. Also, I'm not sure about where you are at, but it's cheaper to get two one bedrooms than one three bedroom in my town.

In any case, you need not be ashamed of how you feel about it. It's real and you and your husband need to talk about how you feel about it without dismissing your feelings. You are part of the equation. If you don't feel good about this and then move in together, it's only going to get worse.

At least that's been my experience and observations.

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Guest Alana

Is the issue that you're not ok with the situation, or that you're having a hard time talking to your husband about the situation and being honest about how you feel?

1. We all have different comfort levels. If you're not happy with your current situation and view this other possible living arrangement as unpleasant, then that's how you feel.

2. Being able to compromise and communicate well with our spouses is not an automatic thing, especially early in the marriage. In this situation, you probably feel like a lot of things are out of your control and aren't as nice as you'd like. You probably want to make your husband happy and want him to value your opinion but are afraid he'll think poorly of you for not being the perfect little trooper, up for anything. In short, you're in a vulnerable situation.

My advice about talking to your husband about this is this. Be honest. If you start to become aggitated or 'overly emotional', take a break from the conversation. Maybe try to bring a little humor in to defuse the situation. I've never had a productive conversation with my husband when I felt my blood pressure raising. When I'm upset, I can't really listen, or reason. We've had lots of 'passionate' conversations... usually the same ones over and over again. Once I learned to calm down, I was able to understand his side much more easily, and he was able to understand me better also.

As far as you not being happy with the current situations, don't feel guilty or bad about feeling the way you do. That's not productive. It's ok to look at the situation and say 'I don't like this and this is how I feel about it' without any judgment for those feelings. THEN, make a list of what you can do about the situation, pick one, and then do it. For me, happiness doesn't come from perfect situations, it comes from feeling good about what I did with what I had. Feeling bad or guilty over feeling a certain way doesn't accomplish anything.

Talk to your husband. Be flexible and don't get upset if he's having a hard time seeing your point of view. It's all a learning situation, if you stay calm, it will help him understand you better. Tell Heavenly Father for all the things you're grateful for, it will help you build that gratitude. Best of luck!

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Here's some tough love.

1. You are too focused on yourself. Focus on the marriage and companionship and your goals together. Yes, it is tough now. But that is how many marriages with college start. Lose yourself and you will find yourself.

2. Find a sense of humor. Laugh at life, and it will help you see how silly your concerns really are/have been.

3. Find a sense of thanksgiving. Every morning and evening, name 5 things for which you are truly grateful. You will soon develop a grateful heart.

4. Get a hobby. Your husband is growing and learning in college. You need to do so also. IF you aren't in college, you can still learn many things at the local library. I've developed many talents/skills over the years by picking something interesting, and then reading everything I can find on it in the library and on the Internet. What I can't find there, I'll buy cheap used books on Amazon.com. I'm now a nature and bird watcher/photographer. Have been for about 3 years now. And I love it. I've read many books on it.

5. Did I mention a sense of humor?

6. Exercise. This is one of the best things one can do for stress, boredom, and other emotional/mental problems.

7. Many times when we are out of sorts, it is because we are not doing the spiritual basics: daily prayer, scriptures, meditation, service.

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Make your feelings known and discuss it. If you decide to do it and are really unhappy with it later, you can only blame yourself for not saying. Maybe you don't want to rain on everyone's parade by poo pooing it, but you can't spend your marriage hiding your feelings.

Stress is stress. There is good stress and bad stress, but either can be a big adjustment. When you're a newlywed, you want privacy. I think it's normal to want to have a period of quiet and privacy before you have your own children because once your children do come, it will be a long time before you have quiet and privacy. When I was newlywed, we lived with my parents for a couple months before my husband went to basic training. It didn't make sense to get an apartment for two months not knowing yet where he would be stationed.

When he was in tech school, I shared an apartment with a girl who wanted to come down there and be close to her fiance. Eventually my husband was able to visit on the weekends and then leave base for the week (they go through "phases", gradually introducing them to normal life again). It was a 1 bedroom and she slept in the living room.

When we finally got stationed somewhere and found our own apartment, she called and said she was having a hard time staying with her in-laws. She asked to stay with us until she went to basic training herself. I told her we just didn't have the space (that was part of it), but the truth was, I wanted to be alone with my husband! And that's normal. And I couldn't handle her drama anymore. I think everyone needs a period of truly cleaving to their spouse.

Years later, we lived with my parents for a few months again when I was pregnant with our second son. It worked out fine, but I still craved my own space with my own rules. I did have concerns about butting heads with my parents, but at least I knew my mom well enough and what her expectations were. I would be nervous to live with some of my in-laws because I wouldn't know what issues would arise. I wouldn't completely rule it out because maybe it would be the answer for us.

So, I think you should bring it up with your husband and ask him to pray with you about it. He might think it sounds swell, but you never know what conflicts will arise sharing an apartment and you want good feelings to remain towards your husband's family. It could be that it might also be the perfect decision for you. :)

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