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Mr_Monkey

I think my wife is depressed.

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This is a long story... I appologize, but I feel that it adds to my question.

I've been married for almost 8 months now. But here is my story. Me and my wife dated a little bit before my mission. We never got very serious, but I really liked her and all that. I went on my mission, we didnt really keep in touch, just a couple letters back and forth. Anyways, I came home and she had been dating a kid and was considering marrying him. About the time I got home she decided he was wrong for her and broke up with him and considered going on a mission. During this same time we started dating again, and I knew she was still considering going on a mission. We started getting more serious and started talking about marriage. By this time she was very confused about what to do, she told me she wanted both, and she just needed me to make a decision for her. I just didnt think that was fair and we prayed about it and eventually came to the decision to get married.

Our engagement was not like your normal engagement. We had both known for so long that we were going to get married, and her family encouraged us to get married as soon as possible. We planned most of our wedding before we were actually engaged. We had picked out a ring together, and I had ordered it and was planning a proposal. Anyways... I had a rocky start to all of this. I consider myself a very caring person and have always been very conscious to others' feelings and needs. Anyways, she ended up getting mad that I was taking too long to propose and got mad and sad about it. So instead of proposing the way I had planned, I went to her work and surprised her and proposed then and there. It was not what I had planned, but I felt that she just wanted to be engaged more than she wanted a nice proposal. But, I know to this day that she would have wanted a different proposal. Also, on our wedding day I was late. I drive a very old car, and my gas meter is very unpredictable... and ran out of gas on my way to the temple. I was very late, and I understand why she would be frustrated.

Anyways... the reason I tell you all this information, I often feel that her expectations are too high, and lately we have had a lot of situations where reality does not meet up to her expectations (my proposal, her endowments, garments, wedding day, married life, etc). And I am starting to wonder if she has depression. She always feels self conscious, ugly, she feels like she doesnt get along with others anymore, and she has a hard time enjoying anything including anything intimate. She loves me, I know that, but sometimes she wishes she had just gone on a mission and married me after. She just feels like we got married very young.

Anyways, I just don't know what to do. I try to make her happy, and try to make her feel special or tell her she looks good. But it's just not enough.

I'm desperate here... any advice is welcome.

Thanks for reading.

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I often feel that her expectations are too high, and lately we have had a lot of situations where reality does not meet up to her expectations (my proposal, her endowments, garments, wedding day, married life, etc).

...

She always feels self conscious, ugly, she feels like she doesnt get along with others anymore, and she has a hard time enjoying anything including anything intimate.

...

sometimes she wishes she had just gone on a mission and married me after.

...

She just feels like we got married very young.

So basically, what I'm hearing is that life is hard right now and your wife is unhappy and both of you are worried and struggling. What you are describing here doesn't sound all that out of the ordinary to me. And it doesn't necessarily sound like depression (as in the medically-treatable, 'unable to feel happiness' definition of depression). It sounds like she is experiencing a difficulty adjusting to married life. She might be complaining to you about it, or maybe even blaming innapropriately. You might be feeling blamed, totally useless, and unable to help.

Honestly truly - both of you are in good company. Folks are going to post on this thread with all sorts of reading material, things to consider, and things to try. A lot of it came from their own experiences, and they've seen improvements and changes.

Happy reading!

Edited by Loudmouth_Mormon

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Does your wife work outside the house? I think she is feeling a bit confused because she doesn't know what life is going to bring. Everything has been planned and gone forth as planned..the goal she had as young woman, to marry in the temple, has been completed. Now she maybe feelin a bit unnerved as to what her next step is, besides becoming a mother, she maybe feeling a bit overwhelmed by the changes. She maybe also feeling a bit like she hasn't fulfilled aspects of her life because she didn't go on her mission, and maybe that can be eased if she was working outside the house or doing volunteer work helping others.

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Hi Mr Monkey,

I think your wife had high hopes in her knight to rescue her wedding childhood fairy tale world if that makes any sense. It sounds like that she resents getting married to you because it wasn't "perfect" so therefore she is extremely disappointed. It is done and over with and life goes on.

She doesn't appreciate what is right in front of her which is you. She needs to overlook the past mistakes that you may have made. She is dwelling on something ONLY because it was suppose to be the most wonderful day of her life and not something to look back on with regrets.

The problems lies within HER and NOT You. Have you tried telling her that you were sorry that the wedding wasn't up to her "standards"?

One thing that might fix this all. Have you tried just holding her and touching her hair or something? Have you took her out for the day just the two of you? Perhaps a romantic dinner at a restaurant?

You want her to fall back in love with you all the things that she enjoyed when she dated you. She was really excited to marry you but was let down by a few things.

Maybe she looks back on her wedding day as her being worried that you stood her up at the alter? that bring nearly any woman to tears.

If I upset you it wasnt my intention i am just terrible at wording things right.

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Oh boy! You have no idea how women read into everything. We do.

First of all, she wants you to be head over heels in love with her. I'm guessing that when she wanted you to make the decision about marriage or mission, what she wanted to hear was, "Don't go! I love you so much and want to marry you right now!"

Second, it sounds like she didn't think the real proposal was coming since the wedding was already being planned. Most women want a good proposal story and one that took a lot of thought - not something that is an afterthought. Yes, you were planning something, but maybe she didn't know it and thought it wasn't going to happen with the wheels already in motion towards a wedding.

Third, if your wife thinks like me, you running out of gas on your wedding day might come across as, "He knows that car has problems! Why wouldn't he fill it up the day before to make sure this wouldn't happen? Doesn't he love me?! Isn't our wedding a priority?! I bet if he had an outing with the guys, he would have filled up the tank!!!"

So, she likely feels like she entered a marriage that doesn't have a whole lot of romance or passion. No, you can't change those things, but you can plan on doing something very special for her as a surprise. It doesn't even have to cost a lot, but she will feel so loved if she knows you put a lot of thought and planning into something.

For the next special occassion, you could give her a special box filled with notes detailing what you love about her - maybe one for every day that month. The more the better.

Don't ever buy a gift for her at the last minute. Seeing a guy run out to the store the day before your birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, etc. makes a woman feel like they only do it out of obligation and that it is a burden on them. And as a result, the woman will feel not very loved.

Make notes about things your wife likes as you're shopping with her, but don't tell her. I was amazed when my husband bought me some jammies I had pointed out months ago for Christmas. It made me feel so loved and that he really paid attention to what I had to say.

Buy her flowers for no reason or at a special time she doesn't expect them. When we went to Utah for our open house a week after our wedding, my husband had flowers waiting there for our one week anniversary. He thought ahead and asked his parents to have them there for me as we arrived that day. I thought it was so awesome because I didn't expect to celebrate our week anniversary.

One of the times I felt the most hurt was when my husband waited until the last minute to get me a gift for our anniversary and made things worse by buying an expensive item for himself that morning without discussing it with me. He thought we would still have time and he wanted to get my flowers fresh, but he wasn't listening when I told him about our schedule for the day. My brother was leaving for Iraq, so before we dropped off the kids with my parents, we were going to do something with him and my sister's families, to lunch, then drive an hour plus to my parents' to drop off the kids so we could go out on a date. He also chose to do a project that was very time consuming and not necessary that morning, making us late to our outing with my brother. I was also building a fund for the thing he bought for himself, so he ruined the gift I planned on giving him too. :lol: Considering how thoughtful he had been years previously, I felt like his love for me had diminished since it wasn't like him to wait until the last minute. I don't want anything expensive, but I do like to be thought of and I love surprises. I knock myself out trying to make things special for him, planning way ahead. I shopped in January for Valentine's Day because our son was due the beginning of Feb. and I knew I wouldn't feel up to shopping. I had our meal planned and everything because I wanted him to feel like a priority. Well, men don't often think that way.

Every year for my husband's birthday, I try to do something extra special. Once I planned a surprise party and his family came from out of state. He was amazed I was able to pull it off and it took months of planning and calling people in Scouts to make sure he wouldn't have anything booked for that day. My mom made a fake invitation to my aunt's surprise party, so he thought we were going to celebrate her 50th birthday. :lol: I had to call the Scout leader and tell him to please lie to my husband and tell him something was canceled. My husband was also almost disturbed at how well I lie to him. :D

Another time I made him a cake with camoflauge frosting. It was a major pain because our boys were really little and being horrible that day, but I was determined. I spent a lot of time trying to get the frosting colors and the design right. I put little green army men on top. He loved it.

Another year while pregnant, I woke up early and spent the whole day making his favorite recipes that his mom used to make for him - stuff that I personally can't stand. I made him breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert - all recipes I had never tried before. I wanted him to feel loved.

The problem is, the ways we show love are not always the ways our spouses feel loved. That's tricky.

My best friend married a guy who is very practical and responsible with money. She likes that about him and he didn't do romantic things while they were dating, but now in their marriage, it bothers her. He said, "You can't really expect it from me when I wasn't that way before!" So I told her, "That's who you married." Then I told him, "That might not be how you show love, but she would feel more loved if you surprised her once in a while. Try." He has done some pretty cool things since then. For her birthday, he used to just say, "Here's some money. Go buy yourself a dress." It's not about money or the gift itself. It's about the thought. She just wanted to see that he put some work into making herself feel special.

Some other things my husband has done that made me feel awesome:

On Mother's Day, he made me go to bed early the night before so he could start preparing food for the next day. Turns out he was learning how to make creme brulee with a blow torch and everything! It was awesome and actually the best I have ever had. He brought me that in bed with all sorts of food and decorated the tray with chocolates shaped like seashells. Blew me away and was so unexpected.

Another Mother's Day, the guys in our family wanted to make a meal for the women and he was in charge of the salad. He said, "Give me any recipe you want and I'll make it." So I chose the California Citrus Salad from Claim Jumper. He even made the sugared pecans. Delicious! He also said he gained a new appreciation for me because I make complicated salads on a pretty regular basis for special events. More work than you realize.

When we were dating and lived far away from each other for a while, he wrote me letters and sent me one with pressed wildflowers in it. He said he went hiking in the mountains and I wasn't there for him to give them to. Very sweet.

I love it when he leaves nice notes for me. That costs basically nothing.

I love it when he goes to the store and grabs even a candybar that I like, but just because he thought of me.

Putting gas in my van also makes me very happy. He'll notice it's getting a little low and will do that for me. Having it washed is also awesome.

Another tip: When you guys have a baby, buy her a little something in advance. My husband wandered off to the gift shop to buy me flowers, but I just wanted him with me. :D It was funny because everyone wondered where he disappeared to.

Oh yes, a really cute thing I heard recently - a friend's husband spelled out "I love you" with Q-tips on the bathroom counter. The possibilities are endless. Maybe it's not your style, but you will score major points for trying.

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Well, Mr. Monkey, don't hold yourself responsible for making your wife feel happy all the time. She only needs your love and understanding. Marriage is a complex relationship, and most certainly in the beggining of your union. My idea is that you should encourage your mate to join you in this social network. This way, all will have a fair chance to know both sides of your story. And one more thing, stop referring to her as depressed; it could be something totally different going on here.

Edited by Gatekeeper

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what does she do during the day? does she have any long term plans? does she have dreams of things she wanted to do and now fears she will miss out on them? is there a way she can still do those things?

it's very possible she got married to young. some time ago (not sure where it was at) i read an article about how many times when a couple gets married young they end up divorcing because they start to realize all the things they "missed out on" that their friends had. they start dreaming about those things and wanting to be "free" again. the suggested solution was instead of cutting ties and leaving you sort out what those things are and find ways you can meet them while married. how can the spouse support you in them. you don't have to be single to experience things and going through and fulfilling them together could bring you even closer.

it's never to late to give her the romance she wanted before.

go buy some cheap lipstick and randomly leave her notes on the bathroom mirror.

you have a first anniversary coming up, make it big (not monetarily big but thoughtful and creative big). do something you will both like, picnic, camping, hotel, whatever. propose again. tell her how thrilled you still are that she chose you, use the time to dream and fantasize about the future you want together. don't forget to let her do some of the talking. don't just tell her what you want, learn what she wants.

(the other day i came across some really cute hour glass necklaces, not to expensive, they have stone chips of the different months. my first thought was "one with the stone of your wedding month and there are all kinds of creative connections to be made between the idea of an hour glass and being sealed for eternity")

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