Need advice for possible divorce


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Hello everyone

I am 37 and have been married for 17 years. My husband has recently decided he wants to live the party life (mostly drink and get tatoo's). I have been through so much with this man including infidelity and I am at the point that I am not sure I love him enough to deal with this too.

My temple sealing has kept me with him through all the bad times but I am at the end of my rope. I feel bad for wanting to give up but I am not sure my soul can take anymore. I care for him but am exsausted with all his emotional drama.

I don't feel he is a bad man because after his repentance he really changed. But all of a sudden he has party friends and wants that life.

I am worried for my 3 girls in ways but I know I am a strong woman and will do anything I need to to help them through this. My wonderful father puts it this way "You come from good strong German stock. You can get through anything."

I feel so sad to see him destroying his life and the support he has at home but I know I can not make this better for him. I told him that once it is over my support of him is gone and he looked kind of shocked, but I mean it. I cannot worry about his state of anything when I have 3 girls to raise. I know it might sound cold but he will not be my problem anymore if he walks away.

Does anyone have advice of how to emotionally deal with a pending divorce? I am sad but I think I am more fed up with how childish and selfish he is.

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Work on saving your marriage first. I know you've already done plenty in that regard, or you wouldn't be feeling at the end of your rope, but sometimes you just have to tie a knot and hold on. Have a serious chat with your husband. Tell him how fed up you are with his childish and selfish actions. Ask him to think about how his current behavior is affecting his family- most importantly his children. He is an adult. He should be able to think critically about this.

Also, ask him where he stands in his faith. He probably feels like he has "wasted" his life and has missed out on great fun opportunities. This is typically the feeling that drives someone to want the "party" life. If his faith is struggling, he will not really see anything wrong with his behavior.

Ask him to think about things from the view of his daughters. Would he want them to do the same things he is doing now? Would he want them to date someone doing what he is doing now?

Have a very serious, very heartfelt discussion with your husband. Tell him just how fed up you are and how close to the brink you feel. He may just need you to open his eyes for him.

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Yes, my gut reaction is to see if the marriage can be salvaged. You've put so much into it, why give up now? I know the party life isn't one you want, but it seems to be a small thing against things like infedelity and so many other things. How is he treating you? How is he treating your children? The idea of possible short-term separation also crossed my mind to give you a chance to sort it out.

I second the conversation Judo suggested and all that it entailed.

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He is not an alcoholic right now but he was the first time we separated 12 years ago. Plus his entire family are all alcoholics (and I am not exaggerating, and it is a big family) so he has a high chance of becoming one. I think he is just choosing this for no real reason. My girls are between 9 and 14.

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In my opinion, your greatest commitment and loyalty is to your spouse. They should be the first priority, even over your children. Help him, don't leave him.

You should not leave him without just cause. If he wanted to go out and live the party life and divorce you, then there's nothing you can do and you'd have to let him go. But as long as he still wants to be with you, you promised to be with him and help him through the good times and bad. This is one of those bad times.

"Divorce can be justified only in the rarest of circumstances. In my opinion, “just cause” for divorce should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship that destroys a person’s dignity as a human being." -James E. Faust

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He is not an alcoholic right now but he was the first time we separated 12 years ago. Plus his entire family are all alcoholics

Ma'am, an alcoholic isn't something you stop being. It's something you are for the rest of your life - it's just in control or out of control.

You came here for advice, here it is: Learn about alcoholism. If you don't know where to start, try alcoholics anonymous. They have resources for spouses of alcoholics.

You need to learn who your husband is, before you decide what to do about your marriage.

Good luck.

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As I read, reread, and then read again all the advice I could find on LDS.ORG in regards to divorce and how much effort one should put into a marriage, it was my perception that quotes such as Faust's are aimed at individuals that give up to quickly. Esp Pres Kimball's oft repeated admonitions. Quotes by General Authorities, when taken in full context, are clearly aimed at those that simply give up all too soon - without giving it their all.

Let's look at Faust's quote a little more closely Rex: He doesn't point out that one spouse or the other needs to be "destroy[ing their partner's] dignity as a human being”. He is not saying that one person has to be absolutely a monster to justify divorce. He points to a "prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship".

When one spouse plays the good person for many years (remember the OP points out that there was a FIRST separation 12 years ago!!!), and the other spouse does not respond for that "prolonged" period of time, it DOES become dignity destroying. The basic lack of respect and affection, esp from a typical woman's standpoint, is demoralizing. Just as demoralizing as withholding of physical affection would be to the typical man.

I'm not going to be tossing pebbles at Roxie as ‘needing to give it more effort’ when clearly there have been problems for well more than a decade. Esp from the (albeit one-sided) perspective shared that she has tried and tried, but he is not upholding his end of the marital contract, and she is now at the end of her rope. Just because divorce is not an ideal (and often not even a good) solution.

The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce. In the temples of the Lord, couples are married for all eternity. But some marriages do not progress toward that ideal. . . .

When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it.

Elder Oaks - Divorce

How about we deal with advice of how cope when one is at the end of their rope rather than a over-generalized ‘you need to work harder’? How about something of use rather than telling the one struggling that they are the one not doing enough?

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Guest powerja

Dear Roxie,

You are not required to suffer forever. You have tried hard and have really fought for this guy. There is a time to pull the plug. This is the toughest part, making the decision, after this step, every other decision is easier. I would pray and pour your heart out to God. Tell him your decision and maybe it is time to fast? I would make your decision and take it to God...but you are not required to suffer forever. That is not the deal!

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Roxi, as I was having to come to terms with the end of my 14 year marriage, what gave me the most comfort was a confirmation that it was a correct path to follow.

In general terms, when I brought my decision, and all that I had done before Heavenly Father, and earnestly sought His counsel in all my decisions, peace did come. It wasn’t a peace because I thought I had done whatever I could, but the peace that comes when He confirms that efforts are acceptable. It actually was an extremely spiritual experience, despite the situation giving rise to it. Like the Prophet Joseph in Liberty Jail, some of our hardest experiences can become some of the most rewarding if only we will let them. (Lessons From Liberty Jail)

Like most struggles in life, I suspect that achieving peace with a decision to divorce has no set path. It probably is something that has as many solutions as there are people that actually go through the process. Clearly, there are more healthy ways than others (resentment, anger, etc among the least healthy), but you need to find what works for you. My one biggest suggestion is to seek Heavenly Father’s guidance. When you have directions from the Spirit, even if the path may be hard, at least you can know it will all work out for the best in the end.

If you are not sure yourself whether you have done all you can, and are not at a point yet to take a ‘decision’ to Heavenly Father for ratification, one book I would suggest is Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. The author does an excellent job walking a person from the point of the catch 22 of relationship ambivalence to the point of having clear information needed to make a well measured decision.

Behind The Smiling Faces was not a tremendously helpful book, but it did lay out nicely, in first person recounting, of the struggles other LDS have gone through when making the decision to end a marriage that was sealed in the temple. It’s been quite a while since I read it, but if I recall correctly, I think you will find therein people recounting some parts of how they dealt with the emotions and came to grips with the death of what was supposed to be an eternal relationship.

Best of luck to you. It is a tremendously hard process. One of those proverbial situations I wouldn’t wish on an enemy. Spend lots of time on your knees. Seek and obtain personal revelation. Our Father in Heaven knows the best way through this for your, and your daughters’ particular circumstances.

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In my opinion, your greatest commitment and loyalty is to your spouse. They should be the first priority, even over your children. Help him, don't leave him.

Guess I'll be the sour puss here.

You stand by your spouse until his or her actions jeopardize your and your children's well-being. If your spouse is being reckless and is a drunk—that's a form of abuse! You can bet I'd be protecting my children from a dangerous spouse. The kids don't ask for this kind of chaotic mess and it's not fair to drag them through it. Yes, do what you can first before jumping ship, I agree divorce is a last resort. But sometime divorce is the best decision too.

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