Marriage Question!

[curiousheathen]

Hi guys, back for another question for you. As you know, I'm not LDS and neither is my fiance (just noticed I'm listed as married on my profile lol didn't mean to select that). Most of his family is LDS, and most of mine is Catholic, with a few other religions thrown in. My fiance and I are getting married next year, but I'm a bit torn with how to approach an issue he really isn't concerned about.

We're going to have a pagan handfasting, officiated by either UU minister or an Asatru officiant. We are not doing anything except evoking our deities, tying the cords around our wrists, and jumping a broom (we're also doing a theme wedding, so these things may mostly be overlooked). It is the evoking of deities that has me most concerned.

I feel like I should explain a bit about what people should expect, my fiance doesn't think it's necessary. I care deeply about our families, and I don't want them to be uncomfortable. I feel they should know the basics of what handfasting is, what we're going to be doing, and decide for themselves whether or not to attend. My fiance says no other religion has to explain what their weddings are all about, and neither should we. He says the wedding is all about us, and our immediate families are supportive.

Would Mormons feel uncomfortable attending a pagan wedding (one that they wouldn't have to participate in anything)? Would you like to be briefed on the basics of what to expect, especially if it's a religion you're unfamiliar with?

Thanks a lot!

CH

[Just_A_Guy]

. . . and jumping a broom . . .

Excuse me?

Would Mormons feel uncomfortable attending a pagan wedding (one that they wouldn't have to participate in anything)? Would you like to be briefed on the basics of what to expect, especially if it's a religion you're unfamiliar with?

I actually attended a pagan wedding when I was in my late teens (cousin of mine).

It wasn't uncomfortable so much as weird--if I'd known what to expect, it would have been easier to roll with the punches; but as it was I had no idea what was going to happen next and so I couldn't just relax and enjoy the ceremony.

Your fiancee is right in that it's your day. But most Mormons (most Christians, I daresay) haven't been exposed to this kind of thing; and if you don't want them goggling at you like you're some kind of freak show then you'd be well advised to let them know in advance what to expect.

[richards]

I wouldn't feel uncomfortable as long as it isn't a white supremacist thing.

[Dravin]

Excuse me?

Jumping the broom - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I feel like I should explain a bit about what people should expect, my fiance doesn't think it's necessary. I care deeply about our families, and I don't want them to be uncomfortable. I feel they should know the basics of what handfasting is, what we're going to be doing, and decide for themselves whether or not to attend. My fiance says no other religion has to explain what their weddings are all about, and neither should we. He says the wedding is all about us, and our immediate families are supportive.

I'm not sure how an explanation is incompatible with the day being about you. Maybe he feels like you are trying to justify your decision by explaining? Because that I could understand, you don't have to justify your marriage ceremony to your family, an explanation though never hurts. Particularly if you do have suspicion that they may be offended by your choice, better to have them not go than be angry at you because you 'tricked' them into idolatry or something

Also one thing to consider, almost anyone in the US is going to be able to understand the significance of what takes place in a civil or Christian wedding, if your ceremonies aren't based around that a heads up of what the aspects are would be helpful for knowing what is important for you. I'd wants a heads up of any differences involved in a Jewish/Muslim/Whatever wedding if I was invited so I could better appreciate what is taking place.

Edited April 3, 2011 by Dravin

[curiousheathen]

Thanks for the replies. I do think he thinks I'm trying to justify the decision, which I don't think I am. We're not deviating from the "standard" patterns of things too much honestly, just a few touches here and there. And no, it's not a white supremacist thing lol. Thanks again. I'm definitely going to give a little bit of explanation about what they can expect, and where to go for more information.

[mightynancy]

There's no one answer as to whether LDS people would be comfortable. There are LDS people like me who love celebrations from many different spiritual traditions. There are LDS people who don't let their kids read Harry Potter because of the witchcraft.

I think it's nice that you want to bring your guests up to speed about your ceremony. I would appreciate that as a guest, just to be able to ponder the significance of your actions and to more fully be happy for you. :)

[MormonMama]

My in-laws were VERY uncomfortable with the idea of DH and I be married in our ward building by our bishop...until we explained to them exactly what it would be like. They are quite anti-LDS and attend a church that sells anti-Mormon literature in their church bookstore.

Do your families know about your beliefs? Do YOU think anyone will be uncomfortable? If so, then I say explain everything to them. Would you rather someone got up and walked out of your ceremony because they're freaked out? I'm not saying that will happen, but if you're concerned enough about how family and friends will feel about your ceremony to come here and post about it, then I'm guessing it would be a good idea for you to talk to them about it.

[curiousheathen]

Our immediate families (moms, dads, siblings) are mostly aware and supportive. I say mostly because we are very private and subtle, and our wedding will have that same subtle texture, I guess. His family.....they run the gamut from extremely conservative LDS (as Mightynancy mentioned they don't let their kids read HP) to Jack Mormon, where they would probably care less. The extremely conservative members include his favorite grandmother and several cousins he grew up with and are the ones I'm most concerned about. I'm definitely thinking that whether I need to explain a little bit or not it's the best course of action, that way no one has to feel uncomfortable about not wanting to attend.

I know that in general LDS are some of the most open-minded Christians I've ever encountered, and my LDS friends are all for it (but they fall to the moderate side of the spectrum).

Thank you again for your help and advice. Ya'll are wonderful.

[findingmyway]

I'm open minded, shoot..... where is this wedding at ? Is there going to be food ? ..... kidding. Happy wedding and congratulations!!!!!

[curiousheathen]

LOL thanks for the laugh, findingmyway.

[richards]

If your fiance was raised LDS, and used to attend church, but has chosen a different path, then the wedding may be offensive to the most religious of his relatives. For many LDS people, 'leaving the church' is among the worst things an individual can do, and getting married in some pagan setting would symbolize a break with the faith he was brought up with.

Also, the reason that I mentioned the white supremacist thing is the Odinism that many white supremacists follow (Asatru seems to be associated with Odinism). When I googled asatru the interlocking triangles symbol came up, which is a common symbol employed by white supremacists.

[curiousheathen]

Well Asatru are incorrectly associated with Odinism (which is something Asatru are used to, but it's still irritating to most of them); they are two very different things, but that's a discussion for another forum I think, and not here. :) The interlocking triangles is a symbol of Odin, used both by white supremacists and Asatru.

I find it rather petty that the marriage of a family member could be seen as an affront to everything his family may or may not believe in....I guess I would say that if that is how they want to perceive it, we're fine without them being involved.

If you want to know about Asatru, as opposed to Odinism, visit asatru.org or pick up Essential Asatru by Diana Paxson and Isaac Bonewits (not trying to proselytize or anything, just providing a source for more info).

Thanks for the help again ladies and gents. :)

[Backroads]

I am in the "it's your day" camp. If the immediately family is supportive, that's what most important.

I don't know if you guys play on doing invites, but it might be worth considering to include a brief overview of what the wedding will entail.

Frankly, I think most people, even if they don't like it, have the tact not to say anything.

[Madriglace]

Maybe a short paragraph on a program of what they will witness and the signifcance of it to you and your life will ease the way a bit. Most people are more interested than they let on. Differences make the world go round. I have a dear friend who is Wiccan and it facinates me.

[curiousheathen]

Thanks you guys. I had my fiance read the thread, and he still doesn't think it's all that necessary, but has said it wouldn't bother him if we did explain things. :)

[Backroads]

Thanks you guys. I had my fiance read the thread, and he still doesn't think it's all that necessary, but has said it wouldn't bother him if we did explain things. :)

I for one would love an explanation of it. Not so much as it would help me feel better about what you're doing (I'm already perfectly fine with any and all wedding ceremonies) but it would just really pique my interest and help me comprehend what was happening. It would make it all the more enjoyable.

[rex8499]

As a guest, a little info in the invite would be interesting and informative I think. But I wouldn't be upset or overly uncomfortable showing up not knowing what it was all about either. No right or wrong way here.

[curiousheathen]

That's actually an interesting approach guys. I never really thought of it as something informative or interesting. By and large I've always found most LDS to be a really tolerant and respectful group of people, and you guys are def. both of those. :)

Thx!

[a1000tears]

I agree with most. An explanation would solve many problems. One thing you may not have considered is that if there are children attending the wedding, I'm sure the parents of the children would appreciate the explanation. Their own reactions could influence how their kids react whether positive or negative. People can get really high strung when it comes to their kids.