What little I know

[epiginosko]

Let's see if I can give the short story of my life.

I was raised around the Seattle area and converted to the Church following my mother's conversion when I was eleven years old. Outside of me and my mother, my immediate family are mostly Presbyterian or non-practicing, but have a general belief in God.

Within a few years after conversion, my mother went inactive. As a fourteen year old boy, the last thing I wanted to do was wake up early and go to church on Sundays, so I went mostly inactive as well. I did continue with Scouts, and had a few LDS friends. I dated an LDS girl my senior year of HS, and attended church with her family...mostly to appease her parents.

After HS, I went back into inactivity, failed to serve a mission, and didn't step foot back in a chapel until I was 23 and the Lord put another LDS girl in my path. (What is it with Heavenly Father sending His daughters on these errands to save us wretched men? )

Our relationship got serious and I re-activated. Went through the repentance process and we were sealed in the Temple 8 months later. Three years later, I was called into a Bishopric. Six years later, we had a son. Ten years later, my wife left me for another man (not a member). My whole life crashed in an instant before my eyes.

After going through a divorce, I fell back into inactivity. Having had issues prior with the WoW, I quickly fell back to my old habits. About eight months later, I began to feel a dark cloud hanging over me and began to miss the fellowship of the Saints. I decided to clean myself back up and go back to church. I'll never forget the first Sunday back. I sat in the very back and hung my head low during the passing of the Sacrament. Feeling unworthy to partake of it, I sat in silent prayer. These words came forcibly into my mind and heart, and cut me straight to the bone: "Why do you hide in the shadows from Me?"

I once again dedicated myself to prayer and scripture study. I went before the Bishop in confession and, once again, went through the repentance process. A few weeks later, the Lord lead me to a wonderful LDS girl who was also recently divorced, had two young children close to my son's age, and had also struggled with inactivity. We began dating and were married civilly by our Bishop within a year, and my wife began to work towards receiving her Endowment as I worked towards renewing my lapsed Temple Recommend.

Because I had been Sealed prior in the Temple, I needed to go through the process of requesting permission from the First Presidency to be Sealed again. After a little delay, we received our letter granting us permission earlier this year and were Sealed about a month ago. Now, I am in the process of adopting my two step-children so they can be Sealed to us.

However, despite how incredibly blessed I am with my new wife and children, and what a wonderful relationship we have, this past year has not been without personal trial. A little over a year ago, I began to research and study early Christianity to understand better the events which contributed and lead to the Apostasy. I was using 'The Great Apostasy' by Talmage as my guide and was looking up the writings of the 1st Century Christian Fathers which have been made available online. I came across many scholarly studies of the history and formation of Christianity, and it began to shake my faith in the foundational claims. Question lead to question, and before I knew it I was in a full-blown crisis of faith. I began to question whether the Old Testament stories were literal history, or whether they were allegorical myths. I began to question if the historical Jesus was really what His disciples claim. I began to question the Restoration and the foundational claims of Mormonism. Of course, this lead to a discovery of the many issues surrounding the Book of Mormon, the Egyptian Papyri, and the many controversies which surround Joseph Smith. My faith was crumbling before my eyes, but I stayed active. I continued to read the scriptures, even though I secretly struggled with taking them as literal or historical truth. I continued to pray, even though I secretly questioned the very claims of a personal, loving Father and a resurrected Savior. I continued to hold FHE and teach my children the stories of the Bible, Book of Mormon, and Restoration, even though I secretly doubted every word I said. I continued to maintain Temple worthiness, even though I secretly doubted the veracity of the Temple ordinances. My heart was truly broken. I spent many nights pleading for understanding, only to be answered by deafening silence.

I found an online group of other people who were experiencing the same internal dissonance. I'm sure many here are aware of this group. While many who are part of this group have chosen to become inactive or resign from the church, there are also many who, like me, have chosen to stay active despite their questions and disaffection. I have come to love dearly these people, and have found great solace in being able to openly discuss my thoughts, my challenges, and my hopes without fear of judgment or attack. What I have learned by interacting with people whose testimonies are in question is that the best manner for engagement is empathy, patience, understanding, tolerance, and love. I honestly feel that I have become a little more Christ-like through this experience.

Eventually, the cognitive-dissonance I was experiencing began to subside. It wasn't because I had any more answers to resolve my burdensome questions, but because I chose to lay my burden down. Or lay it upon the Savior, if you will. The more I think I KNOW, the less CERTAIN I am about anything, and in that I think I have found an elusive secret to humility. Perhaps it's not humility to accept whatever one is taught without question...perhaps humility is found in these three simple words: I don't know.

So, what do I know? I know what I hope for. I hope for an eternal family. I hope for a reunion with my Savior. I hope to stand before our Father and be welcomed into His presence. I hope for these, and I live my faith in that hope through my actions.

Who am I to judge another

When I walk imperfectly?

In the quiet heart is hidden

Sorrow that the eye can't see.

Who am I to judge another?

Lord, I would follow thee.

Sorry for the long intro. I'm sure I've exceeded my allotted time for this talk.

Edited May 4, 2011 by epiginosko

[Guest]

Wow. Awesome life journey you have!

That's really admirable, though. I always look at tests of faith as opportunities that just make one stronger.

I like your three simple words. I don't know. Yep. There are tons of things I don't know. And I'm okay with that. What I do know and I'm very sure of is God is my Father and Jesus is His Son who atoned for my sins. The rest just takes it from there.

So yeah... great intro. And WELCOME!

[SeekingTruth]

What a journey!

[findingmyway]

Welcome friend. Inspiring story...... and the journey keeps going. Glad to see you here.

[ztodd]

Welcome! You have definitely had your share of ups and downs. You don't know me personally, but I hope you'll accept some encouragement from me - please don't give up on your faith. The purpose of life has everything to do with the journey- there is not just a final arbitrary judgment, but every single thing we experience along the way transforms us, takes us in a certain direction, and it can be fun when God grants us the chance to see ourselves and where we are from a higher perspective.

If it has been a long while since you received confirming witness through personal revelation, I urge you to study, pray, and ponder on how important that is, and seek for it until you once again receive it. There is no greater gift. Our Heavenly Father can, and does, actually prove himself, to any person who stands ready to cast aside his doubt and meekly kneel before Him, in all humility, ready to obey.