Yes, another PORN thread


texasmom7
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So I didn't know he had a porn problem. He didn't tell me. Most guys don't right? So we get married, have our 1st child 11 months later, and go on our happy way, or so I thought. No internet back then, so everything was magazines. By this time (I did find out later) he had a porn addiction for about 10 years, started when he was 14 when he found a magazine on the side of their road. And we all know now how porn can lead up to other problems. He worked at the mall while attending college. I worked also, sometimes at that mall, and sometimes at the other mall (part-time for both). He met "it" and was determined that we (it and me) become friends. I would say hi occasionally, but friendship wasn't there. I didn't know anything was going on. He just told me "it went to the same high school as you, and has a kid the same age as ours." So you know... guilt must have ate him alive because soon after he told me that he had kissed another woman. I didn't even think it was "it" but I was thinking of some other woman around the mall who I would see talking to him sometime. Sometime later but less than 2 years, he told me it was "it" and of course I was upset, humiliated. But I stayed. He promise it would never happen again.

We move, and eventually we got internet (1996) and I became pregnant again. I would find a few things here and there on the computer, but again, who heard of internet porn fueling the addiction at that time? I hadn't. In fact, first "porn" talk I ever remember hearing was the one by Elder Oaks in April 2005.

When I was then pregnant with #4 in 1998 (we had 3 in 3 1/2 years), he wanted to take a trip with 3 female co-workers for 2-3 days, 4 hrs away, while I stayed home with the 3 kids and pregnant. I wasn't allowed to go. I cried, and insisted he didn't go. The excuse he gave these 3 women was "I was not allowing him." It was all my fault I had ruined his trip.

In 2001, I was pregnant again (and up until this time, I thought everything had been resolved... ya, nieve!). In May I went to my brother's wedding. I had to fly there. Went with my parents and 2 brothers. I had already suspected a few things, but maybe I was just being insecured again because of being pregnant. I get home, and within a few days I had discovered emails after emails with another female co-worker. I discovered saved websites, saved movies. I ONLY found all this when I went to listen to a song mediaplayer (?) and a porn movie popped up. Then my mind was flooded with all the late nights he was doing, closing the hallway door, very secretive with things, wouldn't do things with me or my family when they came to visit. When I found the emails he was at work. I was the good wife and after cooking the kids dinner, I would always take a plate of food to him on his break. I went up there, and the minute I see him I start crying and quietly yelling at him. He was telling me to shut up, and to stop, etc... HUGE fight for weeks. I wanted him to leave but I was scared. My self-esteem was so low that I didn't couldn't even cope. Who was I suppose to tell? I was so upset. I was pregnant with the 5th, and no college degree. I felt I was stuck. When #5 was born, bishop wouldn't allow him to bless her. (back up a bit... he had spoken to bishop when we first moved to this ward, this was now a new bishop, who he had gone in before, but I guess he felt he wasn't ready yet... at one time he didn't take the sacrament, but at this time he already was). So here is his family, my family and HE is the only one not in the circle and our 12 year old son wanted to know why. I don't know what he told him. I cried.

After that he started going back to bishop, and then we got a new bishop. He always went to church when he wasn't working (he worked like 1 Sunday every 5-6 weeks, so he was always at church), taught Elders Quorum. He was a changed person. Really, for the 1st time in 10 years, I saw a changed person. And haha- we had #6. And I still thought everything was good. Until when #6 was about a year old or so. And then it must have started again because I remember that Elder Oaks talk then, and he looked at me and gave me this sheepish grin. And then my last brother was getting married at the end of April, and I again flew out with my parents and brothers. And this is how it went:

Just before I left, like hours before I left, he tells me that XXX needed some help with her computer, and he was going to go over to help her. I said: No, you have 6 kids at home, and it'll be dinner time, and NO! Not until I get back and I can go with you. He said whatever. He drops me off at airport, and takes kids home (oldest is 14) and leaves. I called kids after I landed at first airport. He wasn't home yet. I call his cell phone (no texting on our plan then) and he wouldn't answer. I called again and again. No answer. I call the kids. Tell our oldest to call his phone. No answer. I tell kids to fix some mac & cheese, and to continue calling, which I also did. I boarded the plane and call from plane before take off... he wouldn't answer, nor was he home now 3 hrs later. I finally land, and I turn on my phone. I call home and he answers. Well, let's just say we had a blow up for the next few hours, which was 2am where he was. He never admitted to me that anything happened.

I get home, and everything was so crazy because the day I was out at the wedding, he was offered a new job close to his parents house, and that meant we were to be moving in 6 weeks and I needed to get the house sold, etc... I thought since we were going to be next to his parents everything now was going to be good, etc...

We moved up. I honestly never worried again. I would fine a few porn things on the computer and I would approach him about it and he told me he was sorry, etc... Hell, even had another (and final) baby. I let everything be in the past. Until January 2009 when I was paying the cell phone bill, and noticed that he had as many texts as our 18 year old son. Hmmmmmm... go to check, and sure enough! Even 2 months back, before Thanksgiving even, same phone number!! And then I remember... his phone became secretive again, and he never wanted to do anything with me. Not even Christmas shop for our 7 kids. I didn't even get a Christmas present from him. I let it slide, still not thinking anything. He had to work Christmas Day and the next few days, so kids and I went to my parents house on Christmas Day. We text some throughout the day. That night I called him, and at 10p he said he was tired and going to bed. I looked on the phone bill for Christmas Day, and sure enough he was texting her until 1am!!

I texted her. I told her I didn't appreciate it.

He called me. It wasn't nice.

He still continued until one night weeks later I said something again about it because again I paid the bill and saw her number again many times. He took a hammer and smashed his phone right then, and asked if I was happy now that I made him do that?

I was.

But now it's on-line porn again. In the past he had sign-up on free porn websites. He would save them. I would see on some that you had to have a member ID. I would request it again from his email and it would send me all the info. I would go in, and see that he would put that he was single, looking for a great time especially on the swingers site. But I haven't see any of that lately.

I asked him to show me how to add a password, he told me he would, but hasn't yet. When the HP signs on, 2 sign-on icons pop up. One for the family, and one for him. I have his password. I insisted. I have looked to see how to change the password, but I haven't figured it out yet.

If the porn was not an issue, he is a great person besides that. He does work hard to provide for us, loves his kids.

BUT JUST as I am typing this... does he really love us and his kids? I guess he can, and still have an addiction. It's a sickness. I don't want to make any excuses for him. Many times I want to leave. I want to end it all. Whenever he knows I am upset about this the first thing he says is "then leave if you don't like it." SO WHY HAVEN'T I? Am I just much of a loser as he is? I think scared is what it is. I would have strong support from my family.

He had been to our current bishop. Current bishop told him to go to the new addiction class. He went once. He says it's stupid and they can't babysit him forever, and that he will do this forever so I might as well get used to it.

22 years I have been a miserable failure at allowing this. For many years I didn't know how serious it was until now, and now I am afraid. YES, I HAVE LET MYSELF DOWN AND MY CHILDREN DOWN. I know this. Do I still love him? If you take away the porn, yes. But since it's never going to go away, it's hard. I can't trust him. I don't love what he does.

Our 2nd eldest is 16. I don't want my kids to have a broken home. I am very sad, depressed and lonely.

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If the porn was not an issue, he is a great person besides that.

That's like saying "Aside from the deadly cancer, he's perfectly healthy."

You need to look at the whole person and not compartmentalize these actions.

He has broken his covenants in thoughts, words and actions. He is unrepentant based on:

that he will do this forever so I might as well get used to it.

You can't expect every man to be like Nephi or Captain Moroni... but you need to protect the integrity of your own covenants and of some certain minimum expectations of your spouse.

You say that you don't want your kids to be in a broken home. The problem is that they already have a "broken mother". This is affecting the kids. To not think that, is naive.

Good kids will also want what's best for their mother - and for their mother to be happy.

If he still wants this to work out, work with him on baby steps. He WILL feel like a kid who is being checked on by his mother. This is because he has destroyed his capacity for trust in your relationship. Trust can only begin to be rebuilt over time... and he has to want to submit to such rebuilding steps.

1. He must cut off all communication with women who are not his spouse or immediate co-workers. This should probably include de-activating his facebook account too.

2. Filter on the computer. I like the K9 filter best - it's free.

3. No texting plans on the cell phone.

4. No trips without the other. Yes, it'll cost more for the trip and for someone to watch over the kids while you're both away.

5. There should be a shared password between the two of you for his email, facebook (if you keep it) and all other web activities. The filter should have a separate password that only you know about.

6. For the technically minded, make sure that you also keep/hide all computer operating systems in case he decides to just wipe everything clean and reinstall the OS.

7. You will need to do random inspections of the computer and phone bills. You need to audit them to help ensure that he's doing the minimum expected - avoiding contact with other women.

8. You may want to work with a marriage counselor to help have a "buffeting" session between the two of you while you work through this.

9. Always have a backup plan of where you'll go once he's "cross the line" again. You will need to leave him and show that you're serious about his welfare. And that you won't be with a man who will so willingly toss aside his covenants. You can't "say" this anymore, because you've already "said" it. You need to "do" it.

This won't be fixed overnight. You have rocky times ahead of you if you want to keep your marriage together, or to separate for a while.

Something must change, and the change has to come from you.

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You will always love him, that wont go away. I hate it sometimes when people say you need to love them unconditionally, that includes when they are doing something wrong. You can love him and still put your foot down, or put it to his behind! The porn addiction is a disease that he can overcome, and its just wrong to give up. How long and how far is he going to take this ? Dont be afraid to do the right thing, sometimes the right is the hardest thing to do. If you fear doing the right thing, youre not trusting Heavenly Father.

Im sorry, I just want you to be happy and not stress so much. This life really is short and theres more to it than this. Men (or women) are that they might have joy! If youre not experiencing joy, please..... you need to. Its not in porn or any kind of wickedness, (wickedness never was happiness), youre husband knows that. Maybe he is just blinded. Dont give up, open his eyes, show him true worth of a woman, how much youre worth!

Heavenly Father does not enjoy watching his daughter depressed, lonely or sad. I suggest you talk to the bishop and get a blessing to help you. I hope you find joy and not be depressed..... I know the feeling, and its a bad place.

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It's possible to marry the right person for you, so it's also possible to marry the wrong person for yourself. Is this marriage worth hanging on to? You'll have to answer that. Children are not blind to how mommy and daddy interact and communicate. What have your sons and daughters already learned from this dysfunctional and unhappy marriage? What will they take from it and apply to their own relationships? Food for thought.

I've been where you are. I'm happily remarried to a wonderful partner, bestfriend and husband. When I'm hurting, he's hurting and vice versa.

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Hello texasmom7, and welcome to the site!

Oh, gosh! You have seven adorable children, huh? What a work of duty, responsibility, and love it is to be a mother. Happy Mom’s Day to you and to all the other lovely ladies of Father’s maternal creation!

You are enduring tough times with your husband’s addiction, but don’t be swift to abandon hope in your family’s future or yourself.

There is no surefire human remedy for the inevitable cuts and scrapes of addiction in any style or form. Now, you must certainly take this prescription: a double dose of faith and combine it with action targeted specifically at solving the problem as God directs you to. The answer to this awful domestic (and in your husband’s case, personal) problem is that your husband needs soul-purging. You must help him. In the matter of your husband’s defenseless urges and temptation, it is important to frequently bear in mind that sexually explicit material used with hostility and power pins the helpless incarnate person to the “wicked one” and he (Satan) is the sole enemy to God’s kingdom (not your loving husband, and, believe me, your husband loves you and the children). Presently, your husband is experiencing the symptoms of Hell, and the enemy literally desires to vanquish your husband and family, and triumph over our Lord’s eternal purpose for the family unit; this is the reason and the cause for your feelings of loneliness, your guilt, your lack of trust in your husband, your doubts, and your unwelcome temptation to give in to, or surrender, your sincere desire for a commitment to your marriage. Blame Satan; be angry at his distasteful, wicked, and determined efforts to bind your family to his evil purposes. Curse him when your husband’s weaknesses turn against your righteous efforts to save your family. Can you overcome this struggle? Yes! Your husband is quite wrong as he concedes that,” he will do this forever.” God will not allow your husband to be trapped as a spider in the evil ones cobweb. You must help God free your dear husband. Please, never imagine that you will have a broken home, as long as you desire to reinforce God’s eternal boundaries with your understanding of His eternal love and forgiveness for your husband’s weakness and failures. Now is the critical time to dutifully read your scriptures daily with constant family prayer and fasting. Enlist concerned family members to motivate and encourage you as you seek to fortify your spiritual saving efforts. Come often to this blessed LDS site for continued support.

This is an odd and unusual suggestion, but I find that it has helped others with this type of uncontrolled sexual behavior. The plan is to begin to help your husband recall his once happy and clean childhood. Encourage him to explore the holy childlike spirit within; only do not allow him to know that this is your therapy with him. It is an even better idea for you both to recall as a couple your own special pleasures experienced as young children. Be creative and have fun with this mission of love and deliverance. This is a critical matter for you to accomplish on behalf of your family; so never be tiresome or discouraged; by yours and others’ prayers, God will daily guide you and your family. By this psychological emotional therapy, your husband’s love for Christ will inevitably be recalled and rediscovered with renewed love. Of course as your husband responds productively, you will need planned counseling and therapy sessions with a trained professional, and, to mention, you will need Church authority advice-giving as well. May the Lord’s strong power be with you and your family.

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^

You can blame Satan all you want. But ultimately, WE have agency and make the choices in life that will either make us or break us. You can only carry the burdens of others for so long, and then it's up to you to look in the mirror and decide when it's time to salvage your own soul and wellbeing. Staying in a dysfunctional and unhappy marriage just for the sake of staying married is not what our Heavenly Father wants for us.

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Yes, you may always love him, but there's only so much you can be expected to take. You've suffered quite long enough. I'm not saying don't give up, but sometimes progression means doing what you don't want to do. You're not being a good wife by suffering through this. If he has no intention of changing or has lost faith he can change, there's not a whole lot you can do.

With the knowledge he probably won't change, is it really worth being in the marriage?

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Texasmom7

First you are not a miserable failure get that idea out of your head permanently. If you were a failure you would not have 7 great kids who adore you.

Second Porn is very hard to control on the computer there is something like 600 plus new pron sites going up each and every month.

Third and many here are going to mostly zing me for this but looking at nude bodies isn't bad it is whose nude body your looking at that is bad. Have you ever seen your spouse nude for those who are married? if so you have seen porn or a nude body

Fourth I knew someone with this problem and it had to do with his relationship with any women not just his wife, he would do the looking but acting out wasn't his thing.

Fifth if he has "others" in his life what is going on there? Yes I am working on being a counselor so the question just comes up.

Sixth you need to pray as to what is the right thing for you and your children to do as you have a 16 year old son who could stumble onto dad's shall we say in depth study of women and then you have another addict to keep track of.

Seventh divorce in some cases is not the end it is the beginning of a new life and freedom to not have to baby sit your significant other all the time.

Eighth none of here can make the decision for you but we can offer ideas that you can use, not use or ponder

Ninth best of luck which ever way you feel is the right choice for you and your kids

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Pornography is not nudity and nudity is not pornography.

Pornography is the perversion of what God intended, and twisting it to serve Satan.

Nudity can be art. Or nudity can be pornography. The human body is beautiful.

The difference is in the message it is conveying and how you feel with such imagery.

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Are some of you seriously recommending that she leave her husband because he looks at porn? A lot of guys look at porn. You said you found him great other than that.

If the porn was not an issue, he is a great person besides that. He does work hard to provide for us, loves his kids.

Why on Earth would she divorce a man simply because he looks at porn? I'm not sure what advice to give you but I wouldn't leave your husband over it. I'll try to think about it more but this isn't something you should rush into a snap decision on without thinking more about it.

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Are some of you seriously recommending that she leave her husband because he looks at porn? A lot of guys look at porn. You said you found him great other than that.

Why on Earth would she divorce a man simply because he looks at porn? I'm not sure what advice to give you but I wouldn't leave your husband over it. I'll try to think about it more but this isn't something you should rush into a snap decision on without thinking more about it.

It's not just that he "looks at porn"; from what texasmom7 has shared, it's that he has a deeply entrenched, longstanding pattern of infidelity (flagrant and excessive pornography use, building intense connections with other women, representing himself online as single and looking, etc.) and callousness, without significant efforts towards lasting repentance and without a great deal of concern for the ramifications of his behavior towards his wife and his children. Given how long this has been a recurring problem for them, I doubt very much that any decision texasmom7 makes would be a "snap decision" at this point. Reconciliation and restoration are certainly better than separation where possible, but if that doesn't work, the Scriptures (nor simple practicality) do not forbid her from doing the hard thing and breaking it off, for the benefit of all parties involved. And at this point, it sounds like her husband's heart may be hardened so that almost nothing less would be able to get the message across, as sorrowful as that is.

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Are some of you seriously recommending that she leave her husband because he looks at porn? A lot of guys look at porn. You said you found him great other than that.

Why on Earth would she divorce a man simply because he looks at porn? I'm not sure what advice to give you but I wouldn't leave your husband over it. I'll try to think about it more but this isn't something you should rush into a snap decision on without thinking more about it.

Mute,

I don't get too personal too often online, but I'm going to this time. And I'm speaking to you as an addict himself.

I have a "porn" issue. My wife and kids left me about 18 months ago because of it. I was also not bringing in any income and there were some other problems.

But let me be clear: While I have tried to hide my shame from my wife, I have never, ever cheated on her, nor had inappropriate relations with another woman. I have never texted anyone else or broken my covenants physically with another. Even with my facebook messages, I always disclosed them all to my wife - even though they were all completely innocent. I have never attended the temple while unworthy. I have always taken my covenants seriously - even when I broke myself against them.

She still left me.

Do I have a lot to work on? Yes, and I take full ownership of it. I acknowledge the sin that it is. And, when I am able, and she wants to, I would like to have my family reunited.

Some of the other spouses that come on here are putting up with a LOT more than my wife has put up with from me. And they're still wondering what they should do?

For me, all I did was look at porn. These other guys are saying "I look at porn, and I don't care what you think of it and I'm going to have my other women on the side too. Get used to it."

The issue really isn't the porn. It's the trust, secrecy and lying that the porn engenders. It becomes a cancer of insensitivity in the relationship. It's spiritually deadly when the person is unrepentant.

Now, my wife and I have had other problems and while they seem to be in the distant past, women never forget. For me, it all cumulated into the mess I have today.

Some women stay with their husbands because "they're good with the kids" and "he provides well for us". This means that you're self-sacrificing yourself for your kids &/or money. That's okay as long as you know that you're putting your own needs below those other priorities.

Jacob 2:31-35

31 For behold, I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands.

32 And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts.

33 For they shall not lead away captive the daughters of my people because of their tenderness, save I shall visit them with a sore curse, even unto destruction; for they shall not commit whoredoms, like unto them of old, saith the Lord of Hosts.

34 And now behold, my brethren, ye know that these commandments were given to our father, Lehi; wherefore, ye have known them before; and ye have come unto great condemnation; for ye have done these things which ye ought not to have done.

35 Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our brethren. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds.

Edited by skippy740
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I think it's a very complicated situation. I'm not saying she shouldn't shouldn't divorce her husband. I'm saying divorce or rather us recommending divorce shouldn't be the advice we give. That's a big thing for us to recommend. We don't know all the circumstances. She does.

One of my sisters is the mother of 5 children. She left her husband for several reasons but pornography was the main one. She also suspected that he was cheating on her. On top of this, he wasn't able to hold a steady job and so he couldn't provide very well for them. As far as I can remember, she never found conclusive evidence that he was cheating on her. Yes, she was very suspicious and had good reasons to be but she never did know.

About a month later, she married his best friend who was also their neighbor. Shortly after remarrying this guy, she found out he too looked at pornography. Within about a year of their marriage, he lost his job and she was right back where she started. Luckily she had been taking courses to become a dentist and now she provides a lot for their family.

To me, it doesn't seem like the situation she is in now is any different than the one she tried to get away from. However, from talking with her children, they have expressed great unhappiness because of the divorce. They don't see their father very often. It tore their family a part. Would my sister have been happier if her new husband didn't look at porn? Ya, probably. I just think it's a very complicated thing and I would never tell her yes she should get a divorce and honestly I probably wouldn't tell her not to either. I didn't feel I should be saying that one way or the other. I think that's too big of a decision for me to say. It's kind of like me saying if a person should marry someone or not. To me, I shouldn't even be the one recommending that they marry or divorce someone. That just seems like a really big thing to say.

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This doesn't have to be a choice between staying and getting divorced. You could separate for a while to show him that you can't tolerate this behavior. You have taught him over the years that you are willing to put up with it and his comments that maybe you should leave are meant to make you feel guilty for getting down on him.

He's not showing a willingness to kick this. He probably wants to, but believes he can't. Checking his Internet history and other things will drive you insane. If you find nothing, that doesn't bring relief but the feeling that maybe he's just hiding it better now. If you separated, that might be rock bottom for him. With some guys, rock bottom is just seeing how devastated their wives are, so there's no easy answer. Everyone is different.

The worst thing about these situations is the lying. You wonder what else they lied about. He killed the trust in your relationship and he's going to have to show some long term, good behavior in order for it to be repaired. You are in my prayers.

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If you look at my original post divorce was mentioned in the seventh point and in point eight I said none of us here could make that decision for her.

Also it is not just porn but the extra activities outside of the marriage that I am concerned about. Think of it this way if you buy a piece of hard candy and everyone wants a taste when it gets back to you are you going to want to enjoy that piece of candy? Sorry I might be a little old fashion but I don't want my spouse having sexual relations with anyone one but me. My ex couldn't wait get into another relationship, she didn't even wait for the divorce to be finalized to find someone new, was asked if I would take her back and the answer was not way, why because whether we like it or not there are a lot of STD's out there how do you know what has been shared so to speak.

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And we all know now how porn can lead up to other problems. .

Actually, no we don't perhaps you could tell us what other problems it leads to.

Porn does not lead to men having affairs, that's a seperate charector flaw. Men who don't view porn have affairs too. Women who don't view porn have affairs also. I personally think we in the Church make way too big a deal about the "evils of porn" and actually end up causing some of those evils (wives throwing away an otherwise good marriage because everyone knows what an evil disgusting habit porn is).

And least you think I am addicted myself I am not, though years ago (about 30 years ago when I was in my 20's and not yet LDS), long before I was LDS, I had a subscription to Playboy <<gasp!>> given to me by my wife as a birthday present. I never had an affair, never neglected my wife, never did any of the stuff y'all have been talking about. I don't view porn anymore, mainly because in my late 50's it just doesn't interest me anymore, I have better things to do with my time. NOT because I think its a great evil.

I'm sure 99% of you will disagree with me, but I'm giving you my personal experience with it.

Edited by mnn727
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And least you think I am addicted myself I am not, though years ago (about 30 years ago when I was in my 20's and not yet LDS), long before I was LDS, I had a subscription to Playboy <<gasp!>> given to me by my wife as a birthday present. I never had an affair, never neglected my wife, never did any of the stuff y'all have been talking about. I don't view porn anymore, mainly because in my late 50's it just doesn't interest me anymore, I have better things to do with my time. NOT because I think its a great evil.

I'm sure 99% of you will disagree with me, but I'm giving you my personal experience with it.

Comparing the porn of 30 years ago to the plague that it is today, is like comparing the potency of marijuana 30 years ago to the pot that is sold today. They're almost completely different from what I've heard. (Never touched the stuff, so I don't have a 1st hand experience with this.)

30 years ago, there was a stigma associated with porn. You had to buy it at adult stores. That meant that people would watch you enter into the store itself. If you bought something, you had to keep it hidden.

Not true today. It's all here online. And there's enough that's free and you don't have anything to hide except for some data in your browser. And it's more "potent" than anything before.

Men are easily caught in this trap just with sex-oriented broadcasted television and commercials. It becomes stimulating, and the young man wants MORE. They thing porn can give them that "extra" buzz. And it does, until the shame cycle kicks in. You know it's wrong, but now your body is craving the rush!

This link may be a help to some people. I have listened to this material and I think it's good. If you know anyone who has a problem, or you have kids, or you're a Bishop, you'll want to review this material. All the information on this can only help.

A Better Mormon - Become Part of the Solution of Pornography Addiction

I hope you never understand. Seriously!

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Wow, my heart goes out to you.

Your husband is obviously addicted to pornography and to the rush of seeking other women. From someone that has dealt with addiction to pornography, I can tell you that he won't change until he truly wants to change. Only then, will he seek out help. For addicts of any kind, it usually takes hitting rock bottom before realizing and admitting to yourself that you are an addict and need to change. From what you shared, it sounds like you have been very tolerant of his behavior, which probably isn't helping the situation. It sounds like he is taking advantage of your tolerance for his choices.

I'm certainly not promoting divorce without first exhausting every possible avenue, but it sounds to me like you need to take drastic measures to ensure he gets the message that you will no longer tolerate this behavior in your marriage. Only then will he truly understand that he has a problem. As painful as it may be, you may need to separate from him until he gets his addiction under control. But before doing that, I would recommend that the two of you meet with a marriage counselor, and during this meeting, you outline the problem and make it clear that you will separate from him if he doesn't follow through in addressing his problem. If he chooses not to, then you MUST take a stand for yourself and your children or you will always have this problem in your marriage.

However, if he does make the decision to address his addiction, then I strongly recommend the book "Clean Hands, Pure Heart" written by Philip Harrison, a lifelong member of the church who overcame addiction to pornography. This book helped me with my own battles with pornography and I can't speak highly enough about it. It implements the same 12-step program that AA uses for battling addiction. I recommend that both of you read it. It will be important that you are an integral part of his recovery and that he knows you are there to support and help him through each step of the recovery process.

Also, another suggestion is to install the K9 web filtering software on your computer. This is a free program that will filter inappropriate content and since you have kids, it should definitely be installed if you are not already using similar software. The benefit to you installing this though is that he will not have the password and it will likely block the sites he chooses to visit. However, this is NOT a permanent solution to your problem, and it may even "set him off", so use your own judgment here. Since he is an addict, he will seek and will find other sources, whether they be from other computers, printed pornography, or whatever. Then again, if he chooses to face his addiction, then he should be willing to allow you to install this software on your computer(s) because it will easily remove many temptations. The website is K9 Web Protection - Free Internet Filter and Parental Control Software | Free Internet Filtering and Parental Controls Software

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Actually, no we don't perhaps you could tell us what other problems it leads to.

Porn does not lead to men having affairs, that's a seperate charector flaw. Men who don't view porn have affairs too. Women who don't view porn have affairs also. I personally think we in the Church make way too big a deal about the "evils of porn" and actually end up causing some of those evils (wives throwing away an otherwise good marriage because everyone knows what an evil disgusting habit porn is).

And least you think I am addicted myself I am not, though years ago (about 30 years ago when I was in my 20's and not yet LDS), long before I was LDS, I had a subscription to Playboy <<gasp!>> given to me by my wife as a birthday present. I never had an affair, never neglected my wife, never did any of the stuff y'all have been talking about. I don't view porn anymore, mainly because in my late 50's it just doesn't interest me anymore, I have better things to do with my time. NOT because I think its a great evil.

I'm sure 99% of you will disagree with me, but I'm giving you my personal experience with it.

The problem with pornography, especially the pornography of today, is that it attacks the user in stages. One day your "just" looking at a Playboy magazine. Several years later, it's child pornography or seeking affairs. Like any addiction, the thrill wears off and requires the user to seek new thrills and the user finds him or herself doing things he/she once thought they would never have the inclination to do.

When I finally decided to confess this horrible addiction to my Bishop, he told me about a man that had been excommunicated, in part because he was having sexual relationships with other men. He told the counsel that it all started with him looking at pornography and that over time, he had built up to these new desires, all while remaining active in the church. He was able to rationalize his homosexual relationships because he said the scriptures do not say that a man cannot have sex with another man, only women. What?!? But that's the thought process of an addict.

Congratulations for not becoming addicted to porn (and I'm serious). We all have our vices and pornography is a HUGE vice for many people, members and nonmembers. Especially in today's world with the ease in which is may be obtained. It's a fact that it really IS tearing apart marriages and families, preventing people from getting married and in general, preventing people from spiritually progressing in this life. If this weren't true, then we would not be hearing the General Authorities speak about it in every General Conference these last several years or reading post after post on this website about how different people are being affected by it. It's a plague and I'm genuinely happy that you are oblivious to it from your perspective, but please don't disregard it as being harmless for the sake of others.

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I know usually it is not the right thing for people to just outright recommend divorce, but.....

From everything you have said, it is my opinion that you should end this marriage. He has lied repeatedly, and has taken things far beyond just viewing porn. He tried to hook up with swingers, and has developed a relationship with at least one other woman.....and he has stated himself that he is going to keep doing what he is doing, and that you have to get used to it. This kind of behavior has been going on for years, and he clearly does not want to change this part of his life.

I'm sure that aside from that part of his life, he is a great man, and there is a lot to love. But you deserve a man who would at least have the desire and willingness to work hard and change. As it is right now, he has no intention of changing. Are you willing to accept that? Divorce is a very rough, painful, scary thing, but you can get through it, and get past the fear and the pain of it. He will owe you alimony and child support and that along with the support of friends and family and heaven above will get you through this.

He has been so dishonest that for all you know he could easily have a separate phone and email that you don't even know about. Get a lawyer and serve him with divorce papers.

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I know usually it is not the right thing for people to just outright recommend divorce, but.....

From everything you have said, it is my opinion that you should end this marriage. He has lied repeatedly, and has taken things far beyond just viewing porn. He tried to hook up with swingers, and has developed a relationship with at least one other woman.....and he has stated himself that he is going to keep doing what he is doing, and that you have to get used to it. This kind of behavior has been going on for years, and he clearly does not want to change this part of his life.

I'm sure that aside from that part of his life, he is a great man, and there is a lot to love. But you deserve a man who would at least have the desire and willingness to work hard and change. As it is right now, he has no intention of changing. Are you willing to accept that? Divorce is a very rough, painful, scary thing, but you can get through it, and get past the fear and the pain of it. He will owe you alimony and child support and that along with the support of friends and family and heaven above will get you through this.

He has been so dishonest that for all you know he could easily have a separate phone and email that you don't even know about. Get a lawyer and serve him with divorce papers.

I don't disagree, but only AFTER exhausting all avenues, which includes separation if he decides not to address these problems. She must take a hard stand though and send a clear message that it will no longer be tolerated. From the sound of it, that hasn't happened yet.

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The problem with pornography, especially the pornography of today, is that it attacks the user in stages. One day your "just" looking at a Playboy magazine. Several years later, it's child pornography or seeking affairs. Like any addiction, the thrill wears off and requires the user to seek new thrills and the user finds him or herself doing things he/she once thought they would never have the inclination to do.

I would disagree with this. What is true for some is not true for the majority. I highly doubt the majority of people who view pornography also view child pornography or are bound to start looking at it several years later. There are many people who view pornography and it doesn't affect their relationships but I also realize that many people find it makes them unhappy or feel it is wrong.

If you are raised that it is wrong, then yes, I think you could feel guilty. A lot of people do not feel guilty though. To me, it doesn't seem wrong or unnatural. It doesn't make me feel bad. I don't feel guilt from it. I don't view child pornography. I don't have a desire to cheat on my girl friend. This isn't just me either but I'm being honest.

I think it depends on the person. What's true for one person is not necessarily true for another. I've never personally been able to see anything wrong with pornography/masturbation and I know a lot men, women and even doctors who feel the same way regarding masturbation.

This is my opinion and I understand others have different ones. I respect that. I think people should do what they believe is right and work it out between their partners on what they feel the best course of action is regarding this subject. Whether they avoid it or not is entirely ok with me.

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I would disagree with this. What is true for some is not true for the majority. I highly doubt the majority of people who view pornography also view child pornography or are bound to start looking at it several years later. There are many people who view pornography and it doesn't affect their relationships but I also realize that many people find it makes them unhappy or feel it is wrong.

If you are raised that it is wrong, then yes, I think you could feel guilty. A lot of people do not feel guilty though. To me, it doesn't seem wrong or unnatural. It doesn't make me feel bad. I don't feel guilt from it. I don't view child pornography. I don't have a desire to cheat on my girl friend. This isn't just me either but I'm being honest.

I think it depends on the person. What's true for one person is not necessarily true for another. I've never personally been able to see anything wrong with pornography/masturbation and I know a lot men, women and even doctors who feel the same way regarding masturbation.

This is my opinion and I understand others have different ones. I respect that. I think people should do what they believe is right and work it out between their partners on what they feel the best course of action is regarding this subject. Whether they avoid it or not is entirely ok with me.

I think you're on to something, but I want to further clarify it.

If you (and your partner/spouse) are desiring a celestial marriage and home environment, then you'll agree that alcohol, tobacco and pornography have no place in your home.

If you (and your partner/spouse) are desiring a terrestrial marriage and home environment, then you have become desensitized to the occasional effects of alcohol, tobacco and pornography.

It's just not part of the program for a celestial marriage and home environment. Your home is to be as holy as the temple. So is your body and mind.

If you choose to defile your temples (home, body & mind), you know you aren't living according to your covenants. And that has an affect on you, your spouse and your kids... and everyone who comes into your home.

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