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JThimm88
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Yesterday all I was doing was calling my mom to ask her never to get rid of the grand piano she has at her house because some day I would like to have it. None of my sisters play anymore, and I don't due to lack of space for even a keyboard in our apartment right now, but I would love to when we have the room.

Well, I never even got to that question because, due to a series of recent events, my mom had some news to tell me. My twin sister and I were adopted by my mom and dad 9 months after we were born.

I'm not totally shocked by the news though. I kind of figured it out growing up. One thing led to another. My oldest sister is 21 years older than me, so when I was growing up there was the rumor that she was my mother. She's not, but that rumor planted a seed when I was about 8 or so.

There was a cousin-by-marriage, Stephanie. Her dad married my mom's sister, so that made her my aunt's step-daughter. My aunt and her dad divorced after maybe 7 years or so, when Stephanie was around 15 or so. She's my birth mother.

When I was old enough to acknowledge meeting her, I'm not sure how old I was, but my oldest sister and my dad both mentioned this, I told them I thought I looked so much like "that girl." ...I'll admit it, there are some strikingly similar features. ...When my mom (the one who raised me) was "pregnant" with my sister and me, I remember looking back at photos thinking, "She doesn't look pregnant." So I asked her about it. She'd always blow off my questions. I think it made her nervous. Well, of course it did. I talked to her about it yesterday and she said she never knew when or how she was going to tell us, but...

Last week, my twin sister got a mysterious phone call (we believe it was from my dad's new wife; she's kind of malicious; my dad and mom don't have the best relationship since their divorce, in fact, it's finalized, yet they're still in court trying to figure out some sort of real settlement as far as $$$ goes; oh, my mom called the phone company and got some information that makes us REALLY believe it was her) from a blocked number saying she was sorry we had to find out this way, but Stephanie was our mother.

I thought it was crap at the time. I guess I didn't want to believe it. Plus, my sister has developmental issues and people are always trying specifically to mess with her. And then people are just trying to tear our family apart in general. No joke, my extended family is full of some hateful people who have done and said some terrible things specifically to my mom, sisters, and myself in the past.

Also, around the same time as the phone call, my sister had went to get interviewed for SSI. She got a letter back in the mail stating that she hadn't listed a previous name, but they found one attached to her name. ...My sister's name is Allison, by the way (mine's Jessica). Well, her SSN had the name "Allison Michelle R****" attached to it. The last name being the same as Stephanie's before she got married a few years ago. ...I still didn't want to put two and two together. Stephanie has a sister named Michelle. Oh gosh, I just didn't want to think about it so I told my sister that was jacked up and she just needed to forget about it because even if it was true it doesn't change who our parents actually are. Plus, I don't have any other previous names associated with my SSN, aside from my maiden name.

Well, that whole bit was true, obviously. For whatever reason, when the adoption went through, both of our previous names (Allison Michelle and mine was Jessica Candace after another one of Stephanie's sisters; our first names were kept the same, but my mom changed our middle names; mine is now Claramarie, Clara after Stephanie's mother, Marie is Stephanie's middle name, so it's interesting. Sorry to go off on a tangent, but my husband always thought my middle name was lame because it "didn't mean something," it wasn't "a family name." My husband's family is huge on using family names as middle names, so I'm just glad mine has meaning now) were not supposed to be listed, the records were apparently supposed to be swept clean, pretty much. Mine was, I guess; my sister's wasn't, so that just added fuel to the fire in my mind. And STILL I didn't want to believe it!

Anyway, my mom called and told me a lot of things. That when my aunt was married to Stephanie's dad, she was a mean, mean step-mother. Worse than Cinderella. She'd abuse them, get them in trouble with their dad by lying about things they supposedly did, etc. so my mom felt like she needed to step in and be caring to Stephanie and her sisters. Plus, Stephanie's mother, killed herself and it was traumatizing. When Stephanie was 7, she found her mom dead and my mom always thought it was just something she needed to do, be there for Stephanie, because she never really had her mother growing up and my aunt didn't do such a great job either.

Well, when Stephanie was 18 and pregnant, had no health insurance, didn't know who the father was (so, no, I have no idea who my birth father is; my mom's not sure if Stephanie ever found out anyway), and suddenly went into labor 4 months prematurely with twins, she called my mom. My mom rushed to the hospital, was there when my sister and I were born, and came to the hospital every day, lunch hour, and night until we were released around our actual due date. We were born in December, due in April the next year.

Initially what Stephanie was going to do was take my sister and me, and move in with my mom, dad, and sisters temporarily until she could get on her feet. Well, she never did do that. Instead she told my mom she had some place to stay (her dad kicked her out of the house, by the way, which was why my mom offered up her home to her). But before the eventual decline of the offer, arrangements were made for my parents to become foster parents, regardless of Stephanie's being there they still needed to do so if we were going to be living with them. Which is why when we were released from the hospital, we didn't go home with Stephanie. We went home with my mom and dad. During the time we were in the hospital, Stephanie decided she couldn't "do it," raise us, so she was going to give us up for adoption but didn't want my sister and me separated. She knew that if the state took us over, they probably would have because "nobody would want a healthy baby plus the responsibility of a child with special needs." Maybe that was true, maybe it wasn't. But it never became an issue because my parents and sisters discussed it and they wanted to take us into their family. The adoption didn't go through for about 5 more months after that though, so my mom was always worried that Stephanie would change her mind, but she didn't. We were legally adopted into the family in September of 1989. Stephanie told my mom that if my mom wanted a closed adoption, she'd stay away, but that never became a problem because my mom has so much love in her heart that Stephanie was around every now and then when I was growing up, I just knew her as my cousin.

I'm 22 years old and I'm glad I found out when I did. Had I been in my pre-teen or teen years, I probably would have not handled this situation the way that I did. Of course I cried. I suddenly panicked that my family would feel like they didn't need to love me anymore because now the cat was out of the bag, I didn't really belong. ...But I quickly put all of my fears aside. God had a plan for my sister and me. He gave us a life. Like I said before, Stephanie didn't have health insurance, my sister and I only had a 5% chance of living; but my parents stepped in and took care of us from the get-go. It's thanks to them that we're still around today. I'm so appreciative of them, and of my sisters, too. We've had some amazing times growing up. I've been blessed with so many things that I shouldn't even have.

It's funny, but now I feel "special" in a good way. Special because this family who didn't need to love my sister and me, didn't need to bring us into their hearts and home, did and still do every day.

Nothing changes how I feel about my mom, dad, or sisters. They were worried the truth might. Well, my mom and sisters were. My dad, I personally think he had something to do with the whole ordeal getting out as he threatened my mom throughout the years that he was going to tell us, when she wasn't ready to, and knowing his personality and what he's done, I'm guessing he's probably happy to be rid of us for good now that we know we're not really his daughters (he left my mom, sisters and myself when I was 8, by the way, and hasn't had too much to do with us since). Despite all of that, I still love the guy.

But yeah, it's kind of interesting to find this news out over the phone and be so far away from my family. I'm in Idaho, they're in Wisconsin. So I'm going home in a few weeks for a wedding and all I want to do is give my mom and sisters hugs and give them a million thanks for loving me and Allison the way that they have.

:)

Oh, and I guess to create more of a discussion:

1) Is it terrible of me if I don't want to really seek out a mother/daughter relationship with Stephanie? She did mention over the years that she wasn't really looking to start one with us, that things were fine the way that they were. I'm just nervous that the pressure will be on from others to do so.

2) Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you feel? I do still feel a little bit weirded out by it all, it's a lot to take it; what can I do to make myself feel more comfortable about it all?

EDIT:

3) Is this something that I should tell my children some day? I guess that's more of a personal decision and nobody here can give me a yes or no. It's not like I feel it needs to be kept a secret, but I'm wondering how they would then feel about my family? I'm not sure how this affects children of adoptees (I just made up a word!), if it ever does at all. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

EDIT:

A few more thoughts: my mom is so, so, soooo amazing. She has enough love in her heart to love her 3 birth daughters (my older sisters) AND my twin sister and me all equally! Now, I've always wanted to adopt, regardless of the fact I've got my own child, but my husband throws out the "Yeah, but you'd love your birth children more than your adopted ones" as if that's going to kill the desire. Well, now I know for a fact that I can have the same love in my heart and love all of my children equally, regardless of where they come from, if we ever do adopt!

Also interestingly enough, as most people know, I'm a convert. My family is Lutheran, not LDS. Yet, God knew he was putting me into a family that would set me up with the basics of the gospel so that when I was old enough to make a decision, I would choose His Church. :) This makes me happy. It's amazing how things work out!

Edited by JThimm88
additions; typos
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1) Is it terrible of me if I don't want to really seek out a mother/daughter relationship with Stephanie? She did mention over the years that she wasn't really looking to start one with us, that things were fine the way that they were. I'm just nervous that the pressure will be on from others to do so.

You're 22 years old. She's 38. She's never been a mother to you, and you've never sought counsel or advice from her. There's no reason for that to change now. If she's interested, though, a friendship sounds like it would be plausible. The door is open, since you already know her (a little) and she is family (even if by marriage). It may seem strange, but she's not a complete stranger. Get to know her some, and open yourself up a little, but not everything has to (or should) change.

2) Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you feel? I do still feel a little bit weirded out by it all, it's a lot to take it; what can I do to make myself feel more comfortable about it all?

I never have been, but honestly, you sound like you're being very mature about the whole thing. I'm pretty impressed. One thing I would definitely do, though, is find out some detailed information about Stephanie's medical history, and if she ever did find out who the birth father was (only so you can get medical history from him as well). It's unfortunate that your mom didn't give you this information before or while you were pregnant, because that's a crucial time of life for a woman to have accurate family medical history.

And don't forget to call back about the piano. :)

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One thing I would definitely do, though, is find out some detailed information about Stephanie's medical history, and if she ever did find out who the birth father was (only so you can get medical history from him as well). It's unfortunate that your mom didn't give you this information before or while you were pregnant, because that's a crucial time of life for a woman to have accurate family medical history.

That's something I thought about last night actually. The thing we have yet to overcome with this whole ordeal is that while Stephanie knew my mom planned on telling us some day, she does not know that day was yesterday. So, I guess once she finds out, and things aren't as bumpy as I'm guessing they will be, I will definitely get that information!

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My dear old friend from work - he is as old as my dad - has 2 boys (my age), 1 is his own, 1 is adopted. Well, the adopted child is less than 9 months older than the flesh-and-blood child.

It's quite ironic how it happened. My friend has been trying to have children for years and years and his wife never got pregnant. So, they decided to adopt a child... they brought the newborn home (they adopted the child while he was still in the womb) and a few days later she finds out she's over a month pregnant...

Anyway, so, there was no easy way to explain the age difference, so they never even thought of "hiding" the truth from the child.

My friend told him since he was a little kid - "You are one of the most loved boys on the earth. A lot of the parents just get stuck with the child they have, so they have to love them. We didn't get stuck with you. We chose you!".

Anyway, the adopted child got married and his wife got pregnant and it led to some questions in his mind. He approached his dad and asked him if he could help him find his real mom. My friend did that and he met his real mom. She's happily married with kids of her own. He was from a teen-age pregnancy and his real dad was in the rodeo circuit who gave her money to have an abortion. Mother and child and step-siblings are good friends but it never changed the relationship of child to adoptive dad.

My husband and I were talking about this loooongg time ago and we both agree that if we ever adopt a child (I wanted a daughter with blonde hair and blue eyes) we will not hide the adoption story at all. I like how my friend handled his relationship with his adopted child.

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Sounds like a wonderful story of Christianity in the works. :D Thank you for sharing!

As for advice... I don't really know what to tell you. It sounds like you've handled everything really well. Developing a closer relationship with your birth mother is totally up to you, but not really necessary. You two already know each other, so just continue to build on the relationship you already have. What to tell your kids... pray about it. You never know where a story like this could really help develop their testimony, but it could also be taken the wrong way too.

I have not personally been in a situation like this, but my older brothers was somewhat similar. He is my mother's child from a previous marriage, so he was adopted by my father. He grew up knowing that he was adopted, and he didn't handle it so well. He always felt like our father didn't love him as much as he loved the rest of us- that he treated him differently because he wasn't his "real" son. Then, when he was living on his own, he managed to get in touch with his biological father and go meet him. It seems like they are "kinda" friends now. I don't really know. I do know that he has struggled in a lot of ways, and I am glad to hear of an adoption story where the adoptee (I like your word :) ) wasn't treated differently and did not feel separate from the rest of the family.

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I am glad to hear of an adoption story where the adoptee (I like your word :) ) wasn't treated differently and did not feel separate from the rest of the family.

If anything, I feel closer to them because I never have felt any different, really. Even when I suspected it, I preferred not to really let my mind go there because I've never wanted to be anything but a daughter to my parents and a sister to my sisters. They've done an amazing job in making me feel like I'm theirs because I am. :) I got lucky. I know not every situation is like that. Many people find out they're adopted and suddenly begin the search for their birth parents, which is fine, but in the meantime, push their actual family away. I guess I couldn't understand doing that in any case of adoption because the family that's doing the adopting? It seems to be very noble of them. There are so many children that need homes, so many children that need to be given opportunities like I was, and it's all thanks to the people like my parents who choose to adopt that some of us have that chance.

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I'm adopted and have two sisters that are also adopted.

Me and my youngest sister were adopted from the Philippines into a Caucasian family. So we always knew we were "different" but never felt any lesser a family member. My one older sister was adopted from here in the US and is caucasian like the rest of the family. So she had a somewhat different experience growing up as an adopted child. For one thing, she didn't know she was adopted until young adulthood. At which point, she chose to search for her biological parents. Me and my other sister, have never felt the urge to do so, despite being physically (appearance wise) so different from everyone else in the family. It would have been a mission impossible for me though because there are no records of my past. Dunno who my biological father OR mother is. My sister adopted from the Philippines knows kind-of whereabouts her biological mother resides but hasn't bothered to contact her (and vice-versa).

Ok didn't really answer your questions but wanted to share my experience as an adopted child. I also wanted to say that deciding NOT to reunite with your past is OK. I haven't and probably won't.

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Oh and I wanted to add my two cents on this..

I agree 100% that parents should tell their child if he or she is adopted. I believe talking about it at an early age is best. Obviously, be age appropriate when explaining things. The truth is, I didn't REALLY notice that I was different looking from my family until school-age. This is because I've always felt I was like everyone else in the family (inside out). When I started school, it was other kids that brought up my being "different" from my mum and dad. I think the mere fact that my parents talked about me being adopted at an early age, helped me process it as I grew up and could answer questions about myself (Ex: yes I was adopted and I was adopted because). It was much harder for my one sister. I think knowing that she was adopted would have filled a lot of unanswered questions she had growing up. That's likely a big part of why she searched out her biological family--to get answers and SEE for herself.

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I'm fairly sure my brother and I were adopted... or something. My mom's blood type is O-, my brother and I are O-, but my father is AB+.... the genetics just don't work. That being said, he's still my dad and always will be, regardless of what (if anything) they ever tell us. It sounds like you had your suspicions just as I have mine, but now you no longer need to wonder! This is actually beneficial for you in terms of your family's medical history- rather than saying "my mom has XYZ, and my dad has ABC", you could potentially go and figure out the correct medical history.

Thanks for sharing your story- it makes me wonder how I would react if my own suspicions were confirmed.

PS- do you think anything would have been different for you growing up if you had known all along that you were adopted? I know families that have and have not told their kids... my wife and I have tossed around the idea of adopting someday, and if it's a baby, we would face this same dilemma.... I wouldn't want the kid to feel "less loved" or less a part of the family since kids have enough on their plates these days.

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My mom's blood type is O-, my brother and I are O-, but my father is AB+.... the genetics just don't work.

Wow -- that definitely doesn't add up! Lol.

As I said before, I'm not adopted, and I have a hard time understand how children who have been adopted feel "less than." My best friend growing up was adopted, and she always knew it. I've always understood that the primary reason (indeed, is there any other?) for placing a child for adoption is to give the child a better life. It's a generous action. And any parent who adopts a child clearly has a lot of love to give, and obviously wants the child. To me, it seems like a win-win. In fact, I've always thought it would be hard to be a biological child with adopted siblings. The adopted siblings were -- by definition -- wanted in the family, while the biological child is just, well, there.

My friend and I never really talked about her adoption until we were in our early 20's (we've known each other since she was 6 and I was 7). I asked her if she was interested in finding her birth mom. She told me that she knew the birth mom was a 16-year-old LDS girl who got into trouble and placed her with LDS social services to give my friend better opportunities in the future, and to get her own life on track. My friend said that maybe someday she might try to meet her, but she didn't really see the point -- she grew up with her mom and dad (and her also adopted sister), and was sealed to them. They were her family. End of story.

As a side note, I have some good friends who are currently in their six-month probation/approval period before finalizing the adoption of a little girl into their family. They shared on their blog a link to positive adoption language from their agency's website. Since reading it from them, I've made a concerted effort in my own life to change the way I speak about adoption, and by extension, the way I and others perceive it. It's been helpful in many ways.

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There is so much I could say here... and I'm going to try and do so in some sort of organized fashion... :)

I was adopted... and I have an older brother that was my parents' biological child and a younger brother that is also adopted. Never, at any point, did we not know that we were adopted... The older child/ren were always involved with the process and were old enough to remember so it wasn't hidden... Plus, my dad's good friend growing up didn't know he was adopted until his 30's when his sister told him during an argument and there was no way my dad wanted us going through that...

My brother and I were adopted through the social service agency of the RLDS (Community of Christ) Church... both of our situations were different (his was a teenage mother and mine was a woman going through a divorce with one child already who didn't think she could handle two children) and the way we have dealt with the adoption has been completely different. Me? It was who I was - I talked about it ALL the time... My brother? He never mentioned it....

Funny story- we were at my older brother's for Easter... We were relating a story about someone talking about how all of us are teachers and it must be in the genes and stuff and how funny it is that people always ASSUME we are genetically related... Then my brother told us about a time when his friends were talking about how different we all look (my brothers are both tall and lean and me, well, I'm short and fat ;) ) and my brother said it was because we weren't really related... His friend laughed and said "LAST NAME, you ALWAYS tell that joke...."... and my brother said, "That would be great, but it isn't a joke... my sister and brother were ADOPTED, goon!"....

Anyway... I can talk about adoption all day... and I'm VERY open about it, so if you want to pm me, that's fine... I've met my biological mother (THANK GOODNESS she gave me up - that woman has ISSUES!) and while I was ultra close to my adoptive father, my adoptive mother and I struggle at a relationship all the time...

One more thing... for all of you considering maybe adopting... My dad gave me a great gift. I was doing a research paper one time on adoption and he related a story about being at the church's campgrounds the summer after they got me (I would have been just shy of 1... probably in June before my birthday in August)... I was playing in front of the Tabernacle and a woman approached him and asked if that was his adopted daughter... My dad told me he responded, without ever taking his eyes off of me, and said, "No, that is my DAUGHTER."....

That is how it was with him... My mom? Well, I'll say until the day I die that she prefers my older brother to the other two of us... She will say she doesn't, but, well, I can't change how I feel and perceive everything she does...

Like I said, I'm a pretty open book... I've been through the time of wanting a major relationship with my biological mother only to step back and realize that what I always thought it would be was NOT what it would be... My biological sister is the same way... I always wanted a sister, but would rather spend the rest of time in peace than deal with the drama that follows her wherever she goes...

I'll be praying for you as you adjust to this 'new normal' and wrap your head around it all and decide the next steps.

Oh, and adoptee is a VERY commonly used term around the adoption world.. :) Sorry!!!

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PS- do you think anything would have been different for you growing up if you had known all along that you were adopted? I know families that have and have not told their kids... my wife and I have tossed around the idea of adopting someday, and if it's a baby, we would face this same dilemma.... I wouldn't want the kid to feel "less loved" or less a part of the family since kids have enough on their plates these days.

To be honest, I don't think I would have appreciated or understood the sacrifices made by both birth mom and adoptive parents had I been told when I was younger. Being older, and being a parent, I am eternally grateful for the decisions made by both parties.

There was a time when I was in 3rd grade and my older sister was in 8th. She told her friends about the adoption, and then "rumors" went around the school and got back to me. It made me cry. I guess if I had found out at that point that it was true, personally, I would have felt like I didn't belong, that my birth mother didn't want me, etc.

I just know that it came to my knowledge at this point in my life because I can handle it better. I think my mom made the right choice in telling us later in life. But that's just me.

But YET... there is still a part of me that wishes I was never, ever told. I would have been totally okay with that too. Yep, definitely still trying to come to terms with this all! :huh:

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(THANK GOODNESS she gave me up - that woman has ISSUES!)

Oh, and adoptee is a VERY commonly used term around the adoption world.. :) Sorry!!!

See, the same thing with my birth mother. She was doing drugs at the time, I just found that out, and I know her current living situation; it's not the best. I don't know, I'm just very blessed to be a part of the family I am a part of.

Dang. Here I was thinking I came up with a new word. Oh well, new to me! ;)

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Wow. You definitely deserve that piano. :lol:

Sure, tell your kids someday, but don't feel pressured to form a close relationship with your biological mother.

I made a blog to search for my missing grandmother and what I got instead was another cousin I didn't know I had. He was looking for his biological grandmother because his mother was adopted. We had no idea my grandma had given up a child for adoption before meeting my grandpa and having 5 kids with him. One of the more bizarre things that has happened to me. We confirmed it with a DNA test, but my cousins didn't really want to have a relationship. Oh well.

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I have a ton of cousins, all biologically connected, and I am only close to one. My siblings (also biological) are all completely different in personalities (computer engineer and scientist, theater and literary arts, sports and weightlifting - seriously, can you get any different?) and I have a very hard time socializing beyond family functions. Not because there isn't love, but just because we have different interests. Regardless of biology, you like some people, and you don't click with others.

Edited by bytebear
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One more thing... for all of you considering maybe adopting... My dad gave me a great gift. I was doing a research paper one time on adoption and he related a story about being at the church's campgrounds the summer after they got me (I would have been just shy of 1... probably in June before my birthday in August)... I was playing in front of the Tabernacle and a woman approached him and asked if that was his adopted daughter... My dad told me he responded, without ever taking his eyes off of me, and said, "No, that is my DAUGHTER."....

My husband is a blue-eyed blonde dude, I'm Filipino. Both our kids look just like me - dark eyes, dark hair, dark skin.

He took the kids trick-or-treating and some woman goes, "Oh, your kids are sooo cute... did you adopt them from China?"

My husband goes, "Yep! How can you tell?". The kids burst out laughing.

The kids are so used to it now - they double-check my husband's stamp in Chuck-e-Cheese to make sure it matches theirs. There was one time that my husband didn't get a stamp and they wouldn't let him take the kids out of Chuck-e-Cheese.

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I think out of respect for your Mother (the one who raised you), you should ask how she would feel about it. If you even sense that she would be hurt by you contacting your birth mother, don’t do it. Is that what your post was asking?

As much as we love and respect our parents, there are certain decisions that are "ours" to make, regardless of how they feel. Like choosing a spouse and getting married. They may not like our decisions on somethings but in the end, once we become adults, we are entitled to making our own decisions and must face the consequences that come with them.

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I think out of respect for your Mother (the one who raised you), you should ask how she would feel about it. If you even sense that she would be hurt by you contacting your birth mother, don’t do it. Is that what your post was asking?

As much as we love and respect our parents, there are certain decisions that are "ours" to make, regardless of how they feel. Like choosing a spouse and getting married. They may not like our decisions on somethings but in the end, once we become adults, we are entitled to making our own decisions and must face the consequences that come with them.

I agree that perhaps JThimm should talk with her mother and get her mother's take on it, and consider her feelings, but I also agree with Bini that ultimately, the decision is up to JThimm.

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...We were legally adopted into the family in September of 1988....I'm 22 years old...

JThimm88, I loved reading your story. I'm a little nit-picky though and I'm wondering, if you were adopted Sept. 1988, you would have been born Dec. 1987 - wouldn't that make you 23 years old. I'm just curious. :)

...Is this something that I should tell my children some day? I guess that's more of a personal decision and nobody here can give me a yes or no. It's not like I feel it needs to be kept a secret, but I'm wondering how they would then feel about my family? I'm not sure how this affects children of adoptees (I just made up a word!), if it ever does at all. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

IMO, I think you should tell your children. That way they know your true family history. As the years go by, your progeny will know their family tree, both biological and actual (adopted).

I have a cousin who visited extended family in Norway (paternal grandmother's birth place) and he returned with a rumour about my grandmother's true birth father. I've only heard tidbits and would love to hear the real story from him but have never asked him. In your case, you know your true family story and that would be wonderful information for your progeny.

M.

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I think out of respect for your Mother (the one who raised you), you should ask how she would feel about it. If you even sense that she would be hurt by you contacting your birth mother, don’t do it. Is that what your post was asking?

As much as we love and respect our parents, there are certain decisions that are "ours" to make, regardless of how they feel. Like choosing a spouse and getting married. They may not like our decisions on somethings but in the end, once we become adults, we are entitled to making our own decisions and must face the consequences that come with them.

I agree that perhaps JThimm should talk with her mother and get her mother's take on it, and consider her feelings, but I also agree with Bini that ultimately, the decision is up to JThimm.

My mom (who raised me) and birth mother are pretty close. They know each other. I've always grown up knowing my birth mother as my "cousin" due to a marriage that occurred (and has since been ended, but that's not the point). That being said, she would not be hurt if I "contacted" my birth mother, because I talk to her on a somewhat regular basis as it is (just via Facebook, but...) and my mom is fully aware of this. :)

I talked to my mom last night, and if anything, we're both in agreement on one thing: I'm not particularly seeking a mother/daughter relationship with my birth mom. I am totally okay with just going on as things have been, with her as my "cousin." My mom also said that's okay, that she's not going to force me to have anymore of a relationship with birth mom than I already have. Also, birth mom has never, in all 22 years, given my mom the impression that she wanted to step in and acknowledge that she's my birth mother.

I guess I just like my life the way that it is. I have a mom, dad, and 4 sisters. We have this whole dynamic that just works for us. Birth mother is now married and has a 7 year old daughter, and the dynamics of her family life probably work for her, otherwise it's possible that she might have felt the need to tell us who she was. But she never did. She also told my mom, when the adoption first went through, that if my parents didn't want her to have anything to do with us, she would step back. Well, my parents never told her that, and yet still gave her an in... I don't know, the way things are right now just works, and I'm finding that this news still doesn't really change things. Doesn't change who my family is, in my eyes.

I just don't think that any party is going to be hurt in this whole ordeal if we just acknowledge that it's the truth, yet move on from it because it doesn't change who my mom really is. The one who raised me and has been there for me all these years is my mother, in my eyes. It might as well be that she gave birth to me because our connection will always be strong, blood related or not. :)

Edited by JThimm88
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JThimm88, I loved reading your story. I'm a little nit-picky though and I'm wondering, if you were adopted Sept. 1988, you would have been born Dec. 1987 - wouldn't that make you 23 years old. I'm just curious. :)

That was a typo. I meant Sept. 1989. ;) Thanks for catching that, I'll edit it as to not further confuse anyone else!

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