Bad Marriage....

[Guest lafandjan]

I don't usually write to these sort of boards for advice on Marriage, but i just feel i do not know what to do right now. I am only young and have been married (temple marriage) for almost 2 years, my Marriage is a nightmare and nothing seems to work. After about 8 months of struggling through it we moved away from family and our comfort zones --about 8 hours away from where we grew up. We have been here without any family for 10 months and things were looking up until recently when its all turned bad again. By this i mean fighting, yelling, swearing and saying very bad things to one another. My husband even smashed some glass onto the floor in frustration... I feel like we should just quit this marriage, it does not matter what changes you make somethings wont work. I try praying, but it seems like its over. We are strong at times, but at other times cannot stand the sight of another. I am afraid of having a divorce so young, and afraid to go back home and embarresed at the thought of admitting our problems are still there-especially when a few family members warned us we were still immature and possibly not right for eachother. I just thought i would ask any advice. My life is one big mess because my marriage is not working and i really have no one to talk to right now...

[john doe]

You need to go see your bishop and a marriage counselor about these problems, and do it soon. Do it alone if your husband won't go with you.

[Jason]

What? Married people fight?!!!

Seriously sweetie, everyone fights. Even if you think they don't, they do. You're only problem is that you two haven't learned how to fight properly. You don't need to curse or break things to fight effectively.

I agree with John Doe. Go see a professional counselor. They'll at least teach you to fight with dignity and neither one of you will feel bad the next day.

[StrawberryFields]

I know of a very wise old man who taught me something very early in my marriage. I asked him if he and his wife ever fought. He told me not anymore. He explained that it takes at least TWO to have a fight. He just chooses not to engage in anything but a discussion. :)

Do get some help. Try to remember why you feel in love with him in the first place. Be the first to try and please him and notice when he does nice things for you. Look for the good. Another thing I have learned is that it is difficult to be really angry with when you are holding their hand. :)

[CaptainTux]

lafandjan,

Take what I am about to say with a grain of salt. I was 18 when I married a pretty girl with wide blue eyes. We had just graduated HS and our families thought we were nuts. I was working at a cheese factory and she was working at a kfc. We never had money, we never were going to go to college on what we had, we had basically shot ourselves in the foot.

It was hard to do, but I had to call my grandparents and she her parents after about 9 months. They helped us finance the annulment and closing the lease on the apartment early.

We are still friends who speak a few times a year. She has been married for almost 15 years now and has 2 daughters and a son and a great marriage to a good man. I have 11 years and a 5 year old daughter.

At the rate we were going, we were going to be uneducated buffoons living off the government and hoping to get trailer.

I know what I am saying is not the right answer and I am not telling you this is tha path you should choose. I do not know how young you are or your finances. I am merely telling you this.....if you get divorced, you are not a failure and you should not feel that coming home is to be equal to being branded with a scarlet letter.

Got a secret about parents...even when we do not agree with a choice, we still love you and want to help.

[Guest Monica]

How to stay married...

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except, that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about..

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their ffairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000.

He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving?

He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

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Basically unless there is infidelity or abandonment you cant divorse. Bible tells us how both men and women are to behave towards eachother in marriage. If you do these things you will be ok:

Eph 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing.

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife [see] that she reverence [her] husband.

also:

Col 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.

19 Husbands, love [your] wives, and be not bitter against them.

God bless :)

[pushka]

I think you should sit down and write down 2 lists, what you have in common and what you disagree about. Then go about finding the common ground between the two and how you can both compromise to reach agreements about those things you disagree about.

After doing so, and discussing these things quietly, without resorting to name calling or arguments, you can decide on what steps are required to bring you closer together again.

[john doe]

Basically unless there is infidelity or abandonment you cant divorse.

What about abuse, either mental or physical? There are a number of valid reasons for divorce. I wouldn't condemn any person who divorced a criminal spouse either.

[Guest MrsS]

Basically unless there is infidelity or abandonment you cant divorse. (divorce)

Where are you coming up with this? Where in the D & C, Pearl of Great Price, Book of Mormon, or any of the Teachings of the 15 Latter-day Prophets, or any of the millions of the talks given at all of the Semi-annual General Conferences, or any of the Firesides does it state that? Even if you divorce because you can no longer stand to hear him/her breath ~ the LDS Church will NOT kick you out, excommunicate you or even discipline you. Nor will you go to hell because of a divorce. Sheeesh ~ where do you get your ideas?!

lafandjan, just because you and your husband were married and sealed in the temple, that does not automatically make for a "Picture Perfect" for All Eternity marriage. There are all sorts of road bumps, you both are growing up, and will continue to grow up throughout all eternity. You both have to mature. You both have to work at the marriage.

Get yourself to your Bishop or Branch President, toot sweet! (that means right now) Call and make an appointment for tomorrow after your block.) Be honest with him, don't put the blame on just one person. It takes two to tango. It takes two to fight and it takes two to make a marriage work. Accept your share of the blame/fault and if you truly want to make this marriage work, then say so and work on it. Follow the council of your Bishop.

Believe me, marriage is WORK. It is the biggest FOUR letter word in the world. A good four letter word. Does your ward have Marriage and Family Relations classes? IF so, then go, listen and take heart. If not, then go to lds.org, gospel library, html, curriculum then optional courses and read both the teachers manual and the students manual.

Just out of curiosity, when was the last time you and your husband together went to the Temple? It is really hard to be bitter and angry at each other when you attend the temple in the correct frame of mind.

[Guest Monica]

Reasons why you can divorce:

Mat 5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

1Cr 7:15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such [cases]: but God hath called us to peace.

[Guest lafandjan]

Thanks for the advice, I take them all to heart no matter how different they may be in content--so thanks. We attended the temple about 3 weeks ago. We have been to the temple 4 times since been married (not enough i guess). As for just a fight or argument, It is not that easy, its very very bad at times(wedding photos ripped up before). He has a temper also, which does not help. We have been to counselling and also seen a bishop in our last town-Many times... i feel i have tried and tried and tried... For me its a choice wheither to give it another chance or just let it go once and for all. I just don't know. We have probably said about 5 words to eachother in 3 days.. I think one of the reasons i am afraid because i may realise one day (this life or the next) that the Lord did have a plan for us.

[StrawberryFields]

My heart really goes out to you.

I take it that you don't have children?

Sometimes I think it is the trials that bond us together with our mate.

[boyando]

Thanks for the advice, I take them all to heart no matter how different they may be in content--so thanks. We attended the temple about 3 weeks ago. We have been to the temple 4 times since been married (not enough i guess). As for just a fight or argument, It is not that easy, its very very bad at times(wedding photos ripped up before). He has a temper also, which does not help. We have been to counselling and also seen a bishop in our last town-Many times... i feel i have tried and tried and tried... For me its a choice wheither to give it another chance or just let it go once and for all. I just don't know. We have probably said about 5 words to eachother in 3 days.. I think one of the reasons i am afraid because i may realise one day (this life or the next) that the Lord did have a plan for us.

Your Heavenly Father loves you very much. His heart is breaking, because of your pain. He also knows the begining from the end. Lean on him until this storm passes.

Never lose hope fore a brighter day, they always come. You are an endowed member of the church of the Most High. This gives you rights and privlages that few others have.

About the only scripture I ever memerized is "fear not and know that Iam God". Never, never, never give up. Divorce or no divorce, if you have done your part, to make it work the Lord will bless you beyond your own believe if you just hold on.

Remeber that man is that he might have joy. In this case "man" means the one or individual, not the opposite of woman.

You have my prayers - Allmosthumble

[Guest Monica]

You are in my prayers. Take some time to study those scriptures with your husband and pray about it together.

[john doe]

Let me get this straight, Monica. If your husband beat you every day you wouldn't divorce him as long as he doesn't fool around on the side or leave you? That idea sounds sick to me. I'm sorry, but two verses pulled out of the bible don't cut it as an end-all, be-all answer to a sometimes very complicated situation. As you might or might not know, LDS take marriage, especially eternal marriage, extremely seriously, but that doesn't mean that there are not very credible and valid reasons for ending it if necessary other than abandonment or adultery.

[shanstress70]

My husband and I had a very rough two years or so, with the cursing, yelling, and saying the ugliest thing to one another. Things were broken too... no physical abuse though... sounds like a similar situation, although we weren't that young. We got married after only 3 months or so of dating... engaged after 6 weeks! I seriously didn't think we'd make it, but in August we will celebrate our 8th anniversary and rarely fight - we are very happy these days.

What helped us succeed? Marriage counseling. But you can't just go and expect it to help. You have to both be very committed to making it work and put to use the tools that you learn, the advice you get, and the things you learn about each other.

But as others have said, if you try this and you just can't be happy together, or you don't love each other, there is no shame in divorce... IMO.

Good luck to you both!

[Guest Monica]

Let me get this straight, Monica. If your husband beat you every day you wouldn't divorce him as long as he doesn't fool around on the side or leave you? That idea sounds sick to me. I'm sorry, but two verses pulled out of the bible don't cut it as an end-all, be-all answer to a sometimes very complicated situation. As you might or might not know, LDS take marriage, especially eternal marriage, extremely seriously, but that doesn't mean that there are not very credible and valid reasons for ending it if necessary other than abandonment or adultery.

First of all the bible warns us about marrying nonbelievers.

2Cr 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Second of all the scriptures tells husbands how to treat wives and beating them is not a part of marriage.

Eph 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

If someone in the marriage be it the man or the woman is being abused domestically, they need to call the police. Once the person is arrested they would fall under the abandonment clause.

[john doe]

<div class='quotemain'>

Let me get this straight, Monica. If your husband beat you every day you wouldn't divorce him as long as he doesn't fool around on the side or leave you? That idea sounds sick to me. I'm sorry, but two verses pulled out of the bible don't cut it as an end-all, be-all answer to a sometimes very complicated situation. As you might or might not know, LDS take marriage, especially eternal marriage, extremely seriously, but that doesn't mean that there are not very credible and valid reasons for ending it if necessary other than abandonment or adultery.

First of all the bible warns us about marrying nonbelievers.

2Cr 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Second of all the scriptures tells husbands how to treat wives and beating them is not a part of marriage.

Eph 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

If someone in the marriage be it the man or the woman is being abused domestically, they need to call the police. Once the person is arrested they would fall under the abandonment clause.

Pardon me for laughing out loud . I just couldn't help myself.

[prisonchaplain]

Basically unless there is infidelity or abandonment you cant divorse.

What about abuse, either mental or physical? There are a number of valid reasons for divorce. I wouldn't condemn any person who divorced a criminal spouse either.

I can only speak for evangelicals, but most pastors these days would definitely counsel a legal separation if abuse were involved. On the other hand, they might not counsel divorce, but rather prayer and the hope that the offender might be rehabilitated. Some, on the other hand, would suggest that abuse is a form of abandonment--that surely the covenant was abandoned.

[john doe]

Wow show more respect for her more please.

Just calling it the way I see it.

[prisonchaplain]

<div class='quotemain'>

Wow show more respect for her please.

Just calling it the way I see it.

John, her answer was accurate and biblical. It may have lacked nuance, and gave little room for any "what ifs" you might have wanted to throw her way.

[Josh M]

<div class='quotemain'>

Wow show more respect for her please.

Just calling it the way I see it.

[john doe]

<div class='quotemain'>

<div class='quotemain'>

Wow show more respect for her please.

Just calling it the way I see it.

You may not agree with the answer she gave, or the way she gave it

[BenRaines]

I have made several edits. Please stop the personal attacks and name calling. The topic is regarding someone elses challenges in their marriage. Lets keep it to topic and avoid individual name calling. :)

Ben Raines

[Dr T]

Hello Monica,

You said

First of all the bible warns us about marrying nonbelievers.

I hear what you are saying. I'm not trying to be contradictory (I promise) I just wonder what you think of this vs.

1Pe 3:1 Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

Thanks,

Dr. T