Am I really seeing the bigger picture...?

[LollyPop]

Hello to you all. I've literally just joined the LDS.net in hope of not only connecting with people of the faith, but perhaps being enlightened on what to do with this particularly difficult situation I am faced with at the moment.

I broke up with my ex (and only) bf over three years ago now. The break up was messy and painful, and there was no clear understanding as to why it happened. I attempted to defuse the situation as such, by wanting to talk and further understand, but a month after we had parted, I had to make the decision to cut all contact and focus on my own life.

While it took some time, I got back into church and a hold over my life, to the point that, I am a far stronger and happier individual because of it all. I forgot about him (to the extent that he wasn't on my mind at all) I was completely content in my life.

January of this year, I had a prompting to contact him.

(Over the years that we've had no contact I've often prayed for him, wanting him to be happy, and content, even if we couldn't be together.)

And while it the past he came to my mind, it was never in the form of contacting him or establishing anything. So I followed the prompting and contacted him. We texted, only for a while over an evening, and even then, he never responded to a final text message that I sent him. This led me to assume certain things about him (arrogance and just the opinion of "he's not changed"). So I left it, with the thought that I had contacted him, attempting to be friends, but obviously this had been rebuked in some sense of the word.

A few months passed, and I found myself at home, chatting with a friend, when once again out of the blue, he came up in conversation, along with an overwhelming feeling that once again I needed to contact him and see how he was.

And so once again I texted him, this time, asking for specific belongings back. Anyway. To cut a long story short, we did meet up and it was revealed through talking and chatting up, the various situations and pains that had come on to his family throughout the time we'd been apart. A lot of my assumptions had been proven wrong. It turns out, he has Psychosis along with Anti Social Personality Disorder along with Anxiety and Depression too boot. Any of these things on their own are difficult enough to deal with. I could see, that in some way, he had changed as a person, even going as far to apologise for all that he did to me, during our relationship. He himself, now knew what it was to be treated in that manner.

Since that day, we have spoken on a daily basis, and it felt that we fell into a relationship of sorts. And it was even suggested that once he was allowed (he had an episode a couple of days after we met up, and the people who treated him banned him from entering into a romantic relationship with anyone) we would be together.

However, the day came that he was signed off from this treatment team, and the discussion was brought up about what we were, and ultimately what we could be. Long story short again, he wouldn't allow us to be together. He stated that he didn't want to hurt me, or cause that pain again. He also added that he could never feel anything for me, and whilst he had tried in the past, he didn't want to anymore, because of the pain he'd caused people.

Ultimately, through the days following this, I have been reading up and trying to understand his condition in further depth to see and comprehend all that he is saying.

However for me, especially when in terms of being prompted, that perhaps someone could help me understand is:

When acting on a prompting, how do you know, when you've received or understood what it was that the Lord wanted you to know?

That may be a poor way of asking on my part, and I apologise - Just right now, I want to understand further as to the significance of this all, and how best to go forth.

I would be so grateful to have any feedback or insight from anyone.

[Maureen]

Welome LollyPop! Maybe subconsciously during your relationship you knew he must suffer from some type of mental illness and now that you had been separated for some time, your own subconscious promptings were letting you know that the way to find was to get in contact with your ex. I'm just guessing because it is really hard to know why we sense the things we sense.

M.

[LollyPop]

Hi Maureen,

Thanks for responding.

I can honestly say to you, that I had no clue. Initially when we came together, he was fine, and up to a year into our relationship, he wasn't showing any clear signals or things that would warrant my deepest concern. I honestly thought most of the upset and stress was down to myself, as at that time, I was very emotionally clingy and besotted with him.

Perhaps, though I should hasten to add here (and my apologies for forgetting) that before meeting with him, I prayed and fasted over whether this was the right thing to do. I wanted to differentiate between my own promptings and that of the Lord. I received, undoubtedly a calm and total feeling of peace. Proving to me, that this was indeed the right thing.

My only concern is, have I gained all that I needed to gain from seeing him?

Is there more to come?

[RadDad]

lollypop,

your quandry gave me a few minutes to think on the principles of the the Holy Ghost and to think of times i have been helped. I have found that Heavenly Father, as a wise and loving parent, will never lead me down a road that will hurt me or lessen me. every time i have received revelation, i have grown or expanded. from reading your post, it would seem that you cannot grow by the feelings you had. 1- a return to this young man will return you to a pre church activity relationship, which could be disasterous to you.

2- this young man has expressed that he will never love you, thus making it a painful experience for you.

3- you feel confused and wonder if it was really a spiritual experiendce.

number 3 is a big teller. if confusion, fear, pain, doubt etc are in your heart, you can be assured that the feeling is not from God. kneel down and tell Heavenly Father that you felt that He told you to contact the young man and that you will do it id He confirms it to you. you have the right for a confirmation of all that you receive. (ex: nephi and laban)

the psychological problems that this young man has should scream "RUN, RUN, RUN!!!" to you any way. if you were my daughter, that is what i would scream. part of the story, that his care givers will not allow him to get involved romantically, just sounds like a lie. i am in the medical field and i do not see many people out on the street that have a problem that would require such instruction or structure. if they need that close of "allowing" they would be in a lock down facility. i am fearing for you and advise that you "do a joseph" (see joseph and potipher's wife) and get yourself out of there.

you may be a lollypop, but do not be a sucker

[jayanna]

I am thinking that perhaps you have been given the opportunity to get the closure you need. You now know that the problems in the relationship were not necessarily caused by you, and you can move on to a new relationship without any worries or lack of self-confidence.

While it is important to be kind to him, perhaps you should start dating others and not investing any more of your time on a dead-end relationship with this person.

I strongly suggest you return to your life the way it was already going at the time you recieved the promptings. You must have been closer to the Lord than ever, and if you stay on the path He will continue to prompt you to do the right things.

[LollyPop]

RadDad,

Thank you for responding :)

1- a return to this young man will return you to a pre church activity relationship, which could be disasterous to you.

Potentially true. However, through the times that we have spent together I have made it very clear where my life and beliefs fall. He does respect this, even with a little humour added to the mix. He knows, I'm serious, and through that, I have not only proven to myself of my stance but to him also.

2- this young man has expressed that he will never love you, thus making it a painful experience for you.

Also very true, and something I'm still working on. It's not a case that he doesn't want to, merely he can't. Justification? Perhaps.

3- you feel confused and wonder if it was really a spiritual experiendce.

I don't doubt it was a spiritual experience - honest! I think what I'm more wanting to see or know is to where and why I was given that kind of prompting. If it wasn't a spiritual prompting, I would have had the confirmation after my earnest prayers and fast. :)

kneel down and tell Heavenly Father that you felt that He told you to contact the young man

I will do, thank you :)

part of the story, that his care givers will not allow him to get involved romantically, just sounds like a lie. i am in the medical field and i do not see many people out on the street that have a problem that would require such instruction or structure. if they need that close of "allowing" they would be in a lock down facility.

I guess it does it could in some sense. Let me explain a little more. In the UK (I apologise if the US has the same thing) they have a Mental Health team, called the Home Treatment Team. He has been sectioned before, and undergoes the same thing when he has an episode - he normally calls or contacts the relevant people to get him into a safe situation, so he cannot harm himself. Through the years that I haven't been there, he has refused/not wanted to attend a Hospital on a daily basis, it removes him from normality as such, therefore with this team, they act the same way a Psychiatric Unit would except he's i.e. confined to his home, allowed out to only specific places, instructed on his personal life etc.

I hope that makes it a bit clearer. :)

I promise without a doubt that I will try :)))

[LollyPop]

Jayanna,

Thank you.

I strongly suggest you return to your life the way it was already going at the time you recieved the promptings. You must have been closer to the Lord than ever, and if you stay on the path He will continue to prompt you to do the right things.

If anything, it's actually brought me closer to my beliefs. It's made me acknowledge how lucky I am in my life to have the love and kindness that I've been granted, and all due to my faith. I just wish, I'd been this strong example to him when we first met, life potentially could have been very, very different.

[beefche]

The thing to remember is that promptings are not always about us. Sometimes they are given to us for reasons we may never know.

I think he has made it clear that he doesn't want to seek a relationship with you. Respect his wishes. What happened in the past, happened. You can't go back and it is a waste of time to play the "would have, could have, should have" game.

Your obedience to the promptings is great. Continue to seek the Spirit and follow His guidance. And when the Lord feels it is right, He will let you know why it was important to act such.

[Vort]

LollyPop,

You are convinced that you were led by the Spirit to contact this man. This is entirely possible; none of us can know, so that's really your call to decide.

However, just because you were led by the Spirit to contact this man doesn't mean you are being led by the Spirit to enter a personal and potentially marriage-directed relationship with him. If he has made it clear that he does not/cannot love you, respect his agency in such a choice and move on.

It's my observation that women often tend to attribute different meanings to the words of others (especially men, and more especially men they care about) than the others mean. The safest course of action is to accept what this man says at face value. Don't second-guess or try to read something else into it. He has said X, therefore X is how he feels.

That's my view, for what it's worth (which is equal to what you paid for it).

[LollyPop]

Beefche,

Thank you for responding.

he thing to remember is that promptings are not always about us

I didn't realise that/this..?

What you're saying is right and fair. It's just conflicted, as he's implied that his opinion could change.

But yes, very true. I'm not attempting to play that game, just for a long period of time, along with the prompts, I felt the want and need to be a better example and to have the opportunity of doing just that.

But thank you, I'll persevere :)

[LollyPop]

Vort,

Thanks. I appreciate the point of view and is another angle to take into consideration. I'm beginning to respect his wishes, and therefore allow them to become the priority, rather than my own wants and needs.

This is all food for thought, and is providing me with a lot of time and opportunity to reflect and consider, so thank you all! :)

[kayne]

promptings are interesting to be sure. if your really unsure of where they are coming from the ironic best advise is to simply pray about that prompting.

well as someone that certainly has had a load of promptings and been told that i do possess the gift of visions not sure how i earned that but i have and it has been made known to me since i was 5 years old.

promptings are interesting. the thing ultimately that allows you to better discern them is just jumping on faith and acting on that feeling then and there. which you did. now since you received a prompting The Lord is obligated to explain sooner or later the reason behind it if you just simply ask.

sometimes as in one case i didnt get the reason for a vision or prompting until months later. in one case it was about 20 years later! but none the less you can ask for that reason The Lord doesnt give a commandment or revelation unless He in fact explains it.

dont be to hard on yourself. promptings are hard to reconize at times and harder to understand. even people that possess the gift of visions struggle with fully understanding promptings and divine revelation. i used to a long time ago think prophets just got called one day and boom had visions. ive come to come understand they likely had them their entire lives and those that get called to that position(as i dont think having the gift of visions instantly will make you a prophet im sure many have that never become general authorities) it can take time to fully get in tune with promptings.

i would say you acted well. whether you need to marry this man? who knows. if your confused ask for another prompting. but clear your mind and open your heart to it. the still small voice becomes in a strange way louder the more you wish to speak to it. you look like your in a spot where you need your own personal revelation....so simply ask for it ask for believing youll get it.

a key difference i will say is this.....one prompting that is a sudden good feeling or urge to do something is like The Lord. one that causes moment of pause doubt and rationalization is like Satan. The Lord requires blind faith in promptings Satan wants rationlization with the human mind.

ive never had a sudden impulse prompting of the spirit that could at that very moment be rationalized because if it could be you wouldnt need a prompting and you wouldnt be acting on faith. and when you doubt that faithful prompting youll find chances are you should of gone with it the first time.

im not sure how this aids you exactly....but i felt compelled to write it out. but this tells me youll read it and get what you need to know out of it so i hope you do whatever that may in fact be.

[outcast]

Let me just tell you a guys point of view. We don't care about our ex's. That's the honest truth. If we do contact you it's because we want sexual relations. That's it. bottom line. We don't need prayer, we need a mature woman to say, it was fun but it's over and that's that. When you continue a relationship it's like taking moldy strawberries out of the garbage and putting them back in the refrigerator.

They say that new friends are silver but old friends are golden. I think what you are chasing isn't so much an old flame as much as an old memory or some one you can relate to that has the past in common with you.

In truth old friends are the best. But dear, he is not your friend. He needs to move on and you need to find some one new to make old memories with.

Ok?

Us guys will be just fine.

Edited May 20, 2011 by outcast

[slamjet]

Let me just tell you a guys point of view. We don't care about our ex's. That's the honest truth. If we do contact you it's because we want sexual relations. That's it. bottom line. We don't need prayer, we need a mature woman to say, it was fun but it's over and that's that. When you continue a relationship it's like taking moldy strawberries out of the garbage and putting them back in the refrigerator.

They say that new friends are silver but old friends are golden. I think what you are chasing isn't so much an old flame as much as an old memory or some one you can relate to that has the past in common with you.

In truth old friends are the best. But dear, he is not your friend. He needs to move on and you need to find some one new to make old memories with.

Ok?

Us guys will be just fine.

What drivel.

[LollyPop]

Thank you to everyone thus far who has provided their own understanding to this situation and thread. It's given me time to think..and reflect - something which comes to me easily!

Outcast – laughing at your own thread? Doesn’t give me much hope that it’s sincere advice/outlook tbh.

By your response you clearly didn’t read what I wrote...Not all guys are motivated by that. Like I told someone else recently – Stereotypes prove nothing. We can all use them to provide basis or understanding to our “points”...

[the_mounts]

You make guys way too complexed hun.

[pam]

What drivel.

He is offering his thoughts and opinions just like everyone else. Be nice. :)

[kayne]

He is offering his thoughts and opinions just like everyone else. Be nice. :)

nice on the internet....crazy talk there buddy

[ruthiechan]

Have you talked to your visiting teachers or your home teachers or Bishop about this? They may have some advice.

Keep up your daily religious observances. It's amazing when answers to your prayers pop out at you during scripture study or while praying (and sometimes about something else entirely!).

You're in my prayers. *hugs*

*snip*

a key difference i will say is this.....one prompting that is a sudden good feeling or urge to do something is like The Lord. one that causes moment of pause doubt and rationalization is like Satan. The Lord requires blind faith in promptings Satan wants rationlization with the human mind.

*snip*

I disagree with this. Blind faith is stupid, and is NOT the same as complete trust in the Lord, and thus doing as he asks without an explanation first.

Also, a pause of doubt is not like Satan. It is human. Satan uses our humanness against us, but that's not the same as being of Satan. When feeling a pause of doubt that's when you reach out to the Spirit to confirm your feelings.

Good feelings are nice and all, but don't necessarily come from the Lord. An idea or thought can seem like a great idea, giving you happy-like feelings, but actually have dire consequences.

Nothing wrong with double checking.

[kayne]

Have you talked to your visiting teachers or your home teachers or Bishop about this? They may have some advice.

Keep up your daily religious observances. It's amazing when answers to your prayers pop out at you during scripture study or while praying (and sometimes about something else entirely!).

You're in my prayers. *hugs*

I disagree with this. Blind faith is stupid, and is NOT the same as complete trust in the Lord, and thus doing as he asks without an explanation first.

Also, a pause of doubt is not like Satan. It is human. Satan uses our humanness against us, but that's not the same as being of Satan. When feeling a pause of doubt that's when you reach out to the Spirit to confirm your feelings.

Good feelings are nice and all, but don't necessarily come from the Lord. An idea or thought can seem like a great idea, giving you happy-like feelings, but actually have dire consequences.

Nothing wrong with double checking.

i probably worded that bad. double checking isnt wrong exactly. but one mark key difference is Satans promptings are of the rationalization aspect. and too much of that can generally be concluded as from a bad source.

admittely the concept is hard to explain and i tried to and probably failed. but just saying Satans prompting often provoke rationalization of some degree.